Digging Deeper

We aren't really close anymore,
But then again, were we ever?
I told you my secrets
And I let you in,
But you only got to know the little things
So, were we close?
Or, was it just the big things
That held us together,
And all the small things that let us fall apart?

                   K.B.G



I immerse myself in either reading, or writing while I go through my Cancer treatments. Some of the treatments take hours.  It can become very lonely, not to mention, depressing.  Luckily, I have found an outlet during my breaks.  I'm so grateful that I am a "chit-chatty" type of person which allows me the ability to talk to almost anyone.  I have also been told by many of my elderly friends that I have an old soul, a smile that brings cheer to even the darkest of days, and a sense of humor that can make, even those whom are not incontinent, pee their pants!  Ha! I adore them all so very much!

I side-tracked there a bit, sorry.  Getting back to the quote. I read all sorts of book, magazines, periodicals, and news stories during my treatments.  I have come across this passage a lot lately.  It has stuck in my head.  I can't seem to shake it.  The words have truly resonated with me. I have come to a few conclusions why these words are repeating in my head.

How many of our friends and family members do we "honestly" know.  There are many people, including myself, that never disclose all of our thoughts and feelings.  I assume most people do not want to expose themselves to that type of vulnerability.  I most certainly understand that, but by keeping our feelings and frustrations to ourselves we are only hurting ourselves in the long run.  Having a "true" relationship with someone relies on trust and not judging one another.  Without such support, that void inside of us continues filling with painful thoughts, anxious behavior, nauseating fear, and an extreme depth of emptiness. 

This quote reminds me to plunge deeper into my emotions within myself, and with those around me.  I hope my loved ones can find the strength to divulge their most intimate thoughts and feelings to whomever they seem fit.  Expressing our emotions are the way we, as humans, can cleanse our bodies and souls.  We can take huge steps away from our pasts and towards a successful future.

As I reflect on this quote the last line hits home.

  "Was it just the big things in life that held us together, or the small things that let us fall apart"? 

Focusing on the "big things", or "superficial flaws" only provides a temporary band-aid over our wounds.   The "small things" run deeper. These injuries are emotional. They require more than a band-aid.  These feelings will take a long time to heal, and will leave an everlasting scar.  The scars, flaws and imperfections are constant reminders of the unbearable pain we endured, which resulted in our "battle wounds".  With the help of those we trust and feel safe with we can reverse the process before causing larger scars.  Whether it be a family member, a friend, or a complete stranger, let your words and feelings be heard.  No one owes you support or comfort, but by voicing what is going on inside of you the pain can begin to subside, the heavy burden can lighten, and we can find our much needed closure.

Cancer has taken away so many things I love, but it has opened up a new "chapter" in my life. I have never felt so connected to all my emotions. I was content with pushing down the agony growing inside of me.  "Ignorance is bliss", right?  I refuse to live that way any longer.  I am forced to acknowledge my short-comings and review all the evidence, as to, locate the source of my pain, sadness, and depression.  

I have also been able to help the ones I love explore their emotions.  I am connected with my peers, and many others on a level that most people are unconsciously unaware off.  This may sound entirely unreasonable and foreign to many people, but I believe that I do not have any acquaintances.  It doesn't matter if I talk to a person for 10 minutes, or ten years. Each person has made an impact on my life.  We all write our own "life stories", but what excites me most is the imprint I may have left on someone else's life just by listening.  Taking the time, not only, to express and listen to the "big things" in life, but also taking stock in the "small things".  The resolve could be closer that we know. You and I could be that extra push to help achieve clarity.  Along with clarity, we are apt to "pay it forward" after seeing what a difference listening and/or a small gesture can make in a person's life. 

On another note, most of you know I recently turned 30. My blog website is currently: midtwentiescancerpaient.blogsot.com

I started this blog in my mid-twenties  without thinking I could/would be continuing this fight for my life. 

So, should I change the name of internet domain, so should I keep it? Thoughts?

Also, any suggestions for a new domain name?

Thank you!

All of me

Sometimes I wonder how you do it.
How can you sit back watching the intense pain and emotional hurt destroy me.
Without an ounce of guilt, or compassion
You do things to me, about me, or without me ever knowing.
And you still look at me the same way you always have
With those eyes so poignantly searching for the answers inside me
The answers I ache to hear.

You want all of me.
I have nothing left to give.
You want to know how I feel
And if I am truly hurting inside.
All you have to do is ask.
I will tell you.
I will let you know that this has been the first pain to consume my entire life.
I will tell you that you were the one who took my heart and locked it away.
My heart is hidden and numb from the on-going series of set-backs.
You placed my fingers in between each of yours.
But, in the end,
You took my heart and you shredded it to pieces.
You could have just ripped it in half.
Then it would be easier to put back together.
But instead,
You destroyed it.
Piece by piece you shredded it.
And no one can fix it.
No one wants to.
Because they look at what I have become.
A girl with permanent tears painted on my face.

I am now just an empty void.
There is no desire, or want to continue this way.
Because now there is only the fear of ruining
what I have tried so hard to build up.
The fight has left me weak and febble. 
I no longer know were to turn
The light at the end of the tunnel weakens daily.
I just barely see it.
All hope is lost, the darkness will soon be all that is left.

Cancer has not just changed me, it has changed all those around me.
It has taken away more that I could have ever imagined
And left me but a shell of the person I once was.
Live everyday day as if it is your last. 
Life is so fragile, it can be taken from you in the blink of an eye.
Find your peace.
Find your comfort.
Never let anyone, or anything take that from you.

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: 2015

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: 2015: Happy New Year!  I know I'm a couple weeks late.  I have been fighting bronchitis, Pneumococcal Pneumonia, and various back issues since...

2015

Happy New Year!  I know I'm a couple weeks late.  I have been fighting bronchitis, Pneumococcal Pneumonia, and various back issues since before Christmas.  Snore...I know.  It's all very unexciting.  I am on the mend with a few other residual side effects popping up.  The doctors and I are monitoring my health conditions closely to prevent any life-threatening, or long term consequences due to the magnitude of what my body is fighting at this time.

The doctors here want to send me to New York City, or back to Houston to me consult with "experts" in my cancer fields.  I have more than enough worries and concerns about traveling to these hospitals.  I am a complete pain in the tushy to travel with.  I get car sick, experience extreme anxiety, and often have to stop to throw up.  Sorry that's gross, but it's the truth.  It is also difficult to for my family and/or husband to take a week, or more off of work to cart my bum around to these facilities.  Much worse is that they have to sit in waiting rooms for hours on end, bored out of their skulls, while waiting for me to escape the torture testing being performing on my body.  How can I possibly ask my family to take time out of their lives to spend countless hours at the hospital waiting for me, and to foot the bill for the travel expenses?  Jeff and I are completely drained from all our bills and medical expenses.  It truly makes you think...Is is all worth it?  Cancer has consumed six years of my life, and I have no idea how much longer it may, or may not continue.  I so desperately want to keep fighting to prove the doctor's wrong, and to provide a source of strength for the precious children battling the cancer fight as well.  I have failed at many things in my life.  I cannot fail at this!  If I do, what was the meaning of my life?  I have contributed nothing to the world.  I have been an endless burden and source of stress for far too many years.  I want to be the daughter that my parents can be proud of and gloat about once-in-a-while.  That sounded terribly selfish...sorry.  I also want to be half of the good-natured and wholesome woman my sister is.  She has always been my role model, an all I've ever been to her is her annoying little sister that turned in to her sickly little sister.  I wish I could be as fun-loving and genuine as my brother-in-law.  His intelligence, wit and laughter motivates me daily.  I would love to be a better daughter-in-law and sister-in-law.  It is difficult for us to visit them due to our financial, and medical situation.  I want them to know the "real" Meg, not just sickly Meg.  Most of all I want to be a better wife to my remarkable husband.  He is on the "front lines" dealing with all of the good days, but struggling to make it through the challenging and difficult days.  He works hours on end, gets little sleep, and takes me to all of my doctors appointments.  Not to mention, all of the  middle-of-the-night Emergency Room trips.  He has never complained...not once.  I don't deserve such love and support, especially after so many years.  By this time all of the wonderful people in my life must be exhausted and frustrated with my health woes.  I exude the extensive irritation that is brought to their lives.  I suffer with all the frequent hardships I place upon my family and friends.

I have lost many friends since being diagnosed with such an awful disease, but I have also gained some sincerely lovely souls because of our connection to cancer.  I do wish I wasn't pushed into isolation due to my illness, but I understand it.  I can't go to bars, clubs, many parties, and/or go on vacations because I have to be near my doctors and cancer center.  Most days I feel like I am stuck at a standstill.  I have never said this aloud, but I feel like I am the closest to death than I have ever been.  I'm terrified.  I not afraid of actually passing away.  I just want to be around for all of the glorious moments in life that are yet to come.  I want to celebrate holidays and birthdays with my family and friends.  I want to travel.  I want to work again, and I hope to one day be able to adopt a child for Jeff and I to raise.  What a wonderful world that would be.

Sorry for being Spappers MaGee there for a bit.  I just need to reveal my truth.  2015 is a pivotal year for me.  I will be turning 30 years old on this day next month.  Jeff and I will celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary and many of my family member have milestone birthdays this year.  I want to be around for all of these events.  I know that if I do pass on, I will be at each of these celebrations in spirit.  You can't completely get rid of me...ha!  I will haunt all y'all!

I believe that when a gentle breeze graces your face, and the calming sensation that takes over you body is a kiss from a loved on whom has passed on.  You do not see, or hear them, but you can almost feel them their with you.  With that tender breeze brings a sense of silence and warmth.  True reflection finds us when we need it most.  Never shy away from it, breath it in.  Allow for time in each and every hectic day to stop, take a breath, and believe.

This song always puts a smile on my face and allows me to understand the most important thing in life...HAPPINESS!  Cherish it and share it.

It's so important to make someone happy

Make just one someone happy
Make just one heart to heart you, you sing to

One smile that cheers you
One face that lights when it nears you
One girlyour - your everything to

Fame, if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minutes
Where's the real stuff in life, to cling to?

Love is the answer
Someone to love is the answer
Once you've found her,
Build your world around her

Make someone happy
Make just one someone happy
And you will be happy too

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Tinsley

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Tinsley: One of the most profound senses of comfort, in my opinion, is when someone is there to hold your hand.  Holding someone's hand is a sim...

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Courage and Strength

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Courage and Strength: It takes strength to be firm, It takes courage to be gentle. It takes strength to conquer, It takes courage to surrender. It takes stre...

Tinsley

One of the most profound senses of comfort, in my opinion, is when someone is there to hold your hand.  Holding someone's hand is a simple gesture that warms the heart and can magically eases the pain.  Whether you are scared, nervous, anxious, sad, frustrated, and/or angry a gentle grasp of two hands can help heal even the deepest wounds.

I recently made(well, ordered and enhanced) blankets for the children at the hospital to replicate the feeling of coziness when there may be no one around to hold their hand.  I know cuddling up in a blanket provides me relaxation, and allows me to escape the agony, if even for a short period of time.  "My" kids have caught onto my hand holding/security blanket concept, and recently adopted it as there own.  Whenever they are sick, having a pain filled day, or have been though many procedures/treatments they can grab hold of their personalized source of relief.  Every time I go to visit them, I see the their specifically illustrated sports team and Disney themed blankets on there beds.  Many of the parent have approached me to tell me, (as they fight back tears) how creative, patient and sincere I am with the children.  In that moment they told me of how my time, effort, and generosity benefit the parents just as much as the children.

Yesterday was the holiday party for the children at the cancer center.  As they were playing with their new toys, many parents and grandparents surrounded me to thank me for activities I have thought up and organized over the past year.  They thanked me fifty times over.  I explained to them that their thank you's and acknowledgement was unnecessary.  I am thrilled every time I get to spend time with all of the precious children going through such a challenging time in their lives.  I also want to support their families while their children, nieces, nephews, siblings, and grandchildren battle such terrible illnesses.  I understand the struggles they face financially and emotionally.  My family and I are going through the same obstacles.  Many of the families use me as a sounding board.  They come to me for advice and to explain the diagnoses from the medical staff.  Since I have been dealing with health woes for years, I understand most of the medial jargon.  I can translate most, if not all, the doctor lingo to maintain their understanding of what their child is going through.  It is always encouraging to see the relief on the parent's faces after I give them the run-down in layman's terms.

One of the most humbling and sincere questions I have ever been asked(and will likely be the only time this will be requested of me) came to my attention a few weeks ago.  Tinsley is a 7 year old girl whom was diagnosed with a large brain tumor one year ago.  She recently had to undergo a risky surgery to remove the tumor before it damaged any more of her brain, and to relieve pressure in her skull.  I was devastated when I heard that the surgery was her only option.  My heart ached for her and her family.  Then she blindsided me with a very specific inquiry.   She told me that she knew the surgery was her only hope.  Then she shocked me with her question.  She asked me to be in the operating room with her while the doctors operated on her.  She basically gave me an ultimatum.  She very firmly declared that she would not have the surgery unless I was in the OR.  She went on to explain that only way she would survive the surgery was if I held her hand during the operation.  I was obviously hesitant to give her any sort of answer.  I told her that she should have one of her parents in the OR with her.  She glared directly into my eyes and said "no".  The only person she wanted there during the surgery was me.  She was adamant about her choice.  I refused to answer her question until I talked to her parents and her medical team.  I had no idea how to cultivate the conversation I needed to have with Tinsley's family.  I was terrified to discuss the issue with her parents.  I felt I was imposing on a parental duty.  The last thing I wanted to do was step on anyone's toes.  The beginning of our chat was cold, sterile, and a bit hostile.  Her parent's didn't understand why she wanted me in the OR instead of them.  I expressed to them that I would only go through with Tinsley's appeal with permission from them. I confronted them about their trepidations.  I reasoned with them about all of their concerns.  I also reassured them that I only had their daughter's best interest at heart.  After listening to what I had to say and discussing between themselves, they asked me to go through with it.  The understood how crucial this surgery was and they wanted to make sure Tinsley was in the best frame of mind before enduring such an invasive procedure.  I was overcome with surprise, and to be perfectly honest, I was filled with fear after they made their decision.  They would, of course be able to view the operation from the upstairs lounge, so they would still be "with" her while the surgeons performed the extraction.  Both of them hugged me before telling me that they knew Tinsley needed me right there beside her.  I was the strongest and most qualified for the job.  That sent a wave of anxiety over me.  I was fearful that I would let Tinsley and her parents down.  I was also nervous about getting in the way of the doctors and nurses while they were doing their jobs.  The fear was paralyzing, but I knew I had to do this for my dear friend and her loved ones.

The doctors were operating on her brain, so they had a shield up from the small girl's shoulders.  I was sitting on Tinsley's left side, so I wouldn't see anything too grafic.  Before the operation began the surgeons took me to prep and sanitize before entering the OR.   I didn't see or say any thing except for whispering in the sweet little girl's ear that I would be right there beside her the whole time.  Within minutes the four hour surgery began.  I never let go of her precious tiny hand.  I kept one of my hands grasped under her's and with my other hand I would sketch small familiar pictures, and write encouraging words with my finger tip on the top of her small lifeless hand.  I kept an eye on her vital signs, tightly held her hand, and glanced up at her parents every so often to assure them everything was going as planned.  Before I knew it the surgeon was closing the incision and getting ready to wheel her to recovery.  The medical staff allowed me to stay by her side until she woke up.  When she came to she said that she felt my presence with her the entire time.  Hearing those words filled my heart.  I gave her a giant hug and told her I was going to step out and let her parents come back to see their baby girl.  I was rushing to get out of the recovery room because I didn't want Tinsley to see me cry.  I second I reached the waiting room I crumbled.  My tears were a mixture of relief, happiness, inspiration and  hope.  This one little girl has left an impression on my life that can never be tarnished.

Luckily, the surgery went off without a hitch.  The doctors explained to her parents how well she did and she should heal up nicely.  The sense of relief was tangible throughout the entire hospital unit.

After talking to the doctors Tinsely's parents made a bee line to me.  They embraced me tightly and thanked me profusely.  Trying to hold back my tears and turn into a blubbering mess again, I squeaked out that I did nothing.  It was Tinley's strength and will to live that got her through the surgery.  She taught me many life lessons that day.  Lesson about love, life, strength, courage, a having a fighting spirit.  Those lessons will live in my heart forever.

Tinsley thought she needed me that day, but it turns out I was the one in need of a hand to hold to restore my faith in healthcare.  Witnessing a miracle first hand fails in comparison to anything I have ever experienced in my life.  I am deeply humbled by the entire situation.  We all need someone to be there through our darkest hours.  Tinsley and her parents knew she specifically needed my hand to hold that day.  As difficult as it was her parents acknowledged that, they granted their daughter's wish.

Hospitals and cancer centers provide miracles every day.  That particular day four people's lives were forever changed.  That day will live with me until my dying day.  Tinsley has enriched my life in a way I never could have imagined.

We all have to admit that life is the most difficult puzzle we will ever try to put together.  Remember to do the things in life that are best and most important to you.  Do what your heart, head, and gut tell you is right.  Things might fall apart for a while, but eventually the rest of the pieces will fall into place.

Courage and Strength

It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to endure hardships,
It takes courage to overcome the struggle.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

Life is worth fighting because it empowers us with abiding strength,                                          Courage is waking up everyday with the determination to fight.

Don’t be afraid to face the battle head-on,                                                                                       Hiding from life’s difficulties only revels our cowardness.

The triumph over the war will be well worth it,                                                                          Providing each of us the strength of integrity from deep within.