Time to stop hiding behind the mask

First off I'd like to say Happy Halloween!!!  I hope everyone has enjoyed dressing up, dressing their kids up, passing out candy, and indulging in some yummy treats as well.  I know I've splurged on too many Halloween goodies this year.  Oh well, that's what the holidays are for.

As I've been watching the parade of costumes today,  and I had a realization.  I realized that for too many years, I have been hiding behind a mask.  I've been afraid to show my "true colors".  I've always been scared of what people might think of the "real" Meg.  Of course, I'm always myself around my family, but with my friends it's been a different story.  I've always tried to "fit in", or mold myself into the person I think people want me to be.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't been "fake" around my friends, but I have a tendency to hid parts of who I am.  I've always been fearful of the criticism I would get if I showed all sides of my personality.

Last night, as I was talking to my husband, I saw that I was knocking down those barriers I've always put up.  Jeff lets me be me.  He accepts "the many faces of Meg".  He embraces them.  I don't think he knows the profound affect that has had on me.  I can fully let my guard down when I'm with Jeff.  He listens to me, and helps me through every twist and turn life throws at me.  He's seen me at my best, and at my absolute worst.  Through it all, he still loves me.

I've always labeled myself, as I've gone through the different phases of life.  I was "the chubby kid", I was "the funny girl", I was "the crazy one", and I was "the sickly one".  I let whatever was going on in my life at that time define who I was.  For the past two and a half years, I have let my cancer define me.  I'm ready to break down that wall.  I will no longer let my cancer dictate who I am, and who I am to become.  I want people to look at me, and talk about me as Meg.  I am no longer going to label myself, or allow others to label me.  I'm Meg...take it, or leave it.

As Halloween comes to an end for another year, remember to take off the mask.  It's so easy to hid behind the image of what we think, or society thinks we should be.  No one is perfect.  We all have many different personality traits, and quirks.  I think it is so important to let them all shine through.  I know that I'm finished putting up walls, and trying to morph myself into the person I think I should be.  I like who I am.  I proud to say that I am Meg.  My mask is off...for good!

The best days can happen even when you feel at your worst

I can honestly say that I have had more bad days in the past two and a half years than good days.  That doesn't mean that I haven't had some fantastic days.  The days aren't always all bad, but at some point during each day I usually hit a rough patch.  These difficult times used to be too much to handle, or so I thought.  I've learned over time how to deal with the bad moments, so they don't ruin an entire day.  Sometimes it just doesn't work.  There are days that I spend most of my time in bed trying to alleviate the pain.  Other days I'm so nauseated that I spend hours upon hours in the bathroom.  Fun...huh?!?  Believe me, it's anything but fun.  I've come to terms with the fact that, right now, I am going to have more days that will be a struggle for me than days that won't.  I make the good days count though.  Make no mistake about that!

As I mentioned in my previous post, I got married while I was going through treatments.  It wasn't ideal, but it was something I wanted to do.  I didn't want to wait to become Mrs. Kleinman.  I wanted to marry the man of my dreams as soon as possible.  I'm going to get a little morbid here, but I didn't want to die without having the chance to get married.  I've dreamt of my wedding since I was a little girl.  I wanted to see that dream come true.  I had seen my sister walk down the aisle a few years ago.  She was so beautiful, and beaming with happiness.  I wanted to feel what she felt on that day.  I wasn't going to let cancer get in my way.

I began planning the minute Jeff proposed to me.  I couldn't wait to get this "wedding train" moving.  I looked at different venues, flowers, invitations, save-the-dates, bridesmaids dresses, etc.  I was constantly on the Internet searching for everything I would need for my wedding.  The only thing I waited on was my dress.  I wanted my mom to be with me when I picked out the perfect dress.  She came out for a visit, and we just happened to stumble upon this little wedding dress boutique.  It looked expensive from the outside, so I was hesitant to go in.  My mom, on the other hand, was all for it.  I gave in, and we went inside to take a look.  As luck would have it, the first dress I saw and tried on was "the one".  It was stunning, and exactly what I had told my mom I was looking for.  The lady in the store got my measurements, and that day we ordered my wedding dress.  I remember coming home and telling Jeff I found my dress.  None of us had planned on even looking for dresses that day, much less ordering one.  It was meant to be, just like Jeff and I were meant to be.

Everything after that just fell into place.  The venue we chose(the golf club where Jeff worked at the time) helped us with everything.  They organized the ceremony site, and they setup the cocktail hour.  They created the dinner site and dinner menu, and they made the reception area sparkle.  It was all so amazing.  They even gave us leads on photographers and DJ's.  They both did outstanding at our wedding.  The only hiccup we had was regarding the cake.  The cakes made by the pastry chef at the wedding venue tasted like cardboard...gross.  We tried so many different kinds, and they were all awful!  Luckily, my mom came to the rescue again.  We found a place that could make all the cakes we wanted(8 individuals and 1main cake), and they were delicious!!

When the "big day" arrived, I was ready to party.  My bridesmaids and I got to the venue early, so we could get our hair and make-up done.  The club treated us like queens.  They had things for us to snack on, water, and champagne.  The morning flew by, and before I knew it, I was getting into my gorgeous gown. I was filled with emotions.  My bridesmaids, my hair dresser(who is also my amazing friend), and my mom were all around me.  The moment was indescribable.  I held back the tears, as a felt all the love around me. The moment I first broke down was when my dad came upstairs before we began pictures.  It was the first time he saw me in my dress, and with my hair and make-up complete.  He came over to hug me, and I lost it.  I was so happy I was able to share such a special day with my family and friends.  I was also so incredibly grateful for how much time, effort, and money my parents put into this unbelievable event.

After we were all beautified, it was time for pictures, and then finally time for the ceremony to begin.  We got through pictures without a hitch.  We were all enjoying posing for the camera.  The time flew by, and before we knew it, it was time to get married!  I was so nervous, not about marrying Jeff, but about the flight of stairs I had to walk down by myself, in a gown and high heels.  I was sure I was going to trip, or I was going to faint.  Thank goodness I made it down then stairs with no trouble.  I met my dad at the bottom of the steps.  Tears began to well up in my eyes again.  I kept them in until it was time for my dad to give me away.  I saw the tears in his eyes, and I just broke down.  The rest of the ceremony was a mix of laughing and crying.  Jeff and I wrote most of the ceremony, so it was very personal to us and our love.  I think most of our guest felt they had gone through our journey to marriage right along with us.  

The ceremony seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, and ta-da....we were married!

We made the most of the rest of the evening.  We were surrounded by our families, and our friends.  Everything was absolute perfection.  The dinner was filled with delicious food, and great company.  The reception was phenomenal!  The music was nonstop, as we danced the night away.  There was not one moment during that day that I felt like a cancer patient.  I let myself solely be a bride, and a wife.  It was the happiest day of my life.  I didn't let my health take that away from me.  I never thought I would be a cancer patient, and a bride at the same time.  I wasn't going to let that stop me from making my wedding an event to remember!

I try to maintain that attitude to this day.  Like I said, I have many challenging days, but I don't let them keep me down.  I push through them, so that I can move onto the next.  There are a lot of times when I have to cancel plans, or miss events.  I try not to, but my health has to come first.  You better believe though, if I'm feeling ok enough to venture out for an event, I'm going to make the most of it!  We all should live our lives that way.  Make everyday an adventure.  Enjoy the company of those around you.  Really live life, don't let it pass you by.  It's never too late to make changes, and to view life in a different light.  I choose to look at life through rose colored glasses.  I will continue looking at life this way from now on, I promise, that will never change.

It's hard to feel pretty

I have gone through many of ups and downs along this journey, that is, my life.  I am so happy for all the good times, and proud of myself for getting through the tough times.  There is one area, in which, I still struggle on a daily basis.  When I look in the mirror, I see a sick person.  It's difficult for me to see Meg.  I focus on all of the flaws, and changes that my body has gone through over the years.  Most days I'm embarrassed to go outside because of the way I look, and the way I feel.

I was a bit of a tomboy growing up.  I liked to play sports and didn't really care about the type of clothes I wore, or how my hair looked.  I remember that all changed when I entered in eighth grade.  Obviously, my body was changing.  I began getting into make-up, different hairstyles, and I started to care more about my clothing choices.  I was never a super glamorous person, or do I feel like I was ever "over-the-top" with my style.  I just wanted to look "nice".  I wanted to feel good about the way I looked.  I wanted people to see that I put in the effort to look pretty.  Over the years I became comfortable with the way I looked, and the process it took to look that way.  I can remember so many instances when my parents, or my friends would yell at me for taking so long to get ready.  I never went anywhere without make-up, or my hair fixed to what I thought was perfection.  I'll be the first to say that I was very insecure.  I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I was only comfortable as this made up version of myself.

Since being diagnosed with cancer I have changed a great deal regarding the way I look.  I have gone through many different weight changes.  I have gone through through the gamut of hairstyles due to hair loss, and changes with the strength and texture of my hair.  I have dealt with many new, and strange body issues.  I have had many changes in my skin.  Medications have changed the way I look and feel.  I have experienced a lot of issues regarding the way things feel, smell, and taste.  These things have all affected my day-to-day life.  Not to mention that I vomit as much as twenty times as day.  It's difficult to feel pretty, or to maintain perfect make-up and hairstyles when I'm vomitting so often throughout each day.  All of these changes were very depressing to me.  I felt like I lost control over my own body.  I never felt pretty.  I was disgusted with the way I looked.  I was also terrified that my husband would be embarrassed by the way I looked, and would never want to be seen in public with me.  He has never once told me that I look ugly, or that he is embarrassed to be around me because of the way I look(he's probably embarrassed to be around my for many other reasons though...haha).

Jeff and I got married while I was undergoing cancer treatments.  I was so fearful that I would look horrendous on my wedding day.  I remember that I cried at every dress fitting I had because I felt so ugly.  I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do about the way I looked.  I wasn't allowed to workout because it was too strenuous.  My skin was being effected by all of the medications.  The only thing I could do was delay my chemotherapy until after the wedding.  I wanted to have my own long hair on my wedding day.  I still had trouble feeling beautiful, even on that very special day.

It has been two and a half years, and I'm still uncomfortable with the way I look.  I am so fortunate to have an amazing husband who always tells me I'm beautiful, even when I know I'm a hot mess!  I have come to terms with a lot of the issues that have presented themselves to me during this time.  I realize now that I have to deal with effects my disease and treatments.  I can't change them, so I have to live with them.  I am much more comfortable being "natural".  I don't wear make-up often, I wear glasses everyday, and 9 out of 10 days my hair is in a ponytail(that is when I have hair long enough to put up).  I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I believe that my inner beauty is outshining my outer beauty.  I am letting my personality define how I "look" to those around me.  As long as I have a smile on my face I feel beautiful.

We all go through changes in our outward appearance.  Pregnancy, illness, weight gain, weight loss, acne, etc.  All of these things are going to effect the way we think about ourselves and our bodies.  Don't let little things thing take away from the type of person you are.  I was becoming a depressed, and sad person because of the way I looked.  That is not the person I am.  I am happy and cheerful 99% of the time.  I had to let that shine through.  I had to stop worrying about the way I looked on the outside.  I can't control those factors right now.  I can't let them change the person I am.  I like the person I am no matter what type of package it comes in.  Be proud of who you are.  We all need to love ourselves as we go through the many changes life has in store of us.

Living the hospital life

For the past 8 years I have been pretty much living at one hospital, or another.  I was never a permanent resident of the hospital, but I've spent days/weeks confined to a hospital room.  In the beginning, I hated every minute I was at the hospital.  I didn't want people to come visit me because I felt "gross".  I didn't want people to see me in this horrific state.  The worst part of it all was that I had no control over anything I wanted to do.  I was told when I could shower(which was never enough), I had to call a nurse if I wanted to use the bathroom, I was in a hospital gown with my patoot showing all the time, and I was told what and when I could eat.  Every moment of every day was planned out for me.  I remember thinking to myself at night,  I wish I could make decisions for myself instead of always being told what to do.  I didn't think that dream would ever become reality.  I continued following every order doctors and nurses where giving me.

That all changed after I moved to Arizona.  Before making the move across the country, I always had my parents with me at all my doctor appointments and hospital stays.  The doctors used to always direct all of their concerns, or findings to my parents.  They spoke to my parents about everything before they would even come to me.  These doctors were treating my like a child.  Yes, I was young and scared, but I still wanted to be involved in my health care.  It's my body they are talking about.  Why am I missing out on conversations with doctors?  Why aren't I kept in the loop?  Half the time I didn't know what was going on with my treatment.  I wasn't sure why they were doing the tests they were doing.  I didn't know what the plan was.  I didn't even know what medications they were pumping through my IV.  My parents would try to explain it all to me, but sometimes they were unclear about what the plan was.

I am not trying to bad-mouth doctors, or hospital systems.  I am simply saying that we all need to take charge of our own health care(and our lives in general).  We all need to take command of our lives.  When I moved out west, I was all by myself.  I didn't have my parents there to "deal" with the doctors.  The doctors, in turn, also only had me to communicate with.  They couldn't direct the concerns and issues to my parents.  I was the only one the doctors had to discuss my health findings with.

For the first time, I was in control of my life and my treatment options.  I'm not going to lie.  I'm sure I've been a royal pain-in-the-ass many times.  I ask every detail about every medication.  I don't just take my doctor's word.  I research every diagnosis they claim.  I come back to every doctor with every question and concern I have before I start any kind of treatment.  It is my right to know what the "plan of attack" is.  It's my right to accept, or refuse any type of procedure, treatment, or medication the doctors suggest.  I accept, or decline after carefully thinking through each option presented to me.  I know my body.  I know what "works" for me.  I finally feel like I have taken control of my life.  I am the only one who lives in this body everyday, and goes through the struggles that come with it.  Therefore, I am the only one who can make the final decisions on what stays and what goes.  I give the final say on what things to try next.  It feels good to finally feel in control, and to fully understand all the options/rights I have.

I am a firm believer in opening up to family and friends about whatever issue you may be pondering.  I always ask my family and close friends what they think I should do, when it comes to making a big decision.  The input of others, and exploring all avenues, will only help you make the best decision for yourself.  Take the suggestions of others to heart, but ultimately do what feels like the right choice for you. I know I will continue following my gut...it hasn't let me down yet.

The other end of the spectrum

I'd like to begin by thanking everyone for all the heartfelt comments I've received in regards to my last post.  Sarah is a spectacular little girl.  She's a fighter and has such a passion for life.  Many people have asked why Jeff and I haven't adopted her.  We have talked about it, and it is an option for the future.  Now isn't the right time.  I am not healthy enough to be her mother 100% of the time.  She also has a very intense form of cancer.  Her health care is all covered by the state of Arizona.  If Jeff and I were to adopt her, we would have to provide her with health care coverage.  Jeff and I struggle financially, and could not take on her medical costs.  She is better off financially, and is provided twenty-four hour care being considered a child of the state.  I will always be there for her emotionally, and will continue to support her any way I can.  When the time comes, Jeff and I would love to adopt her.  She is already a part of our family.

Sarah's story was difficult to write about.  She didn't choose the path life has directed her in.  She has been force to grow up fast, and has been forced to deal with issues most of us will never encounter.  She keeps her head up and her will to live strong.  I would like to tell you about another person I have met, whose story has also effected me in many ways.  This person's name is Clive.

About two months ago, I noticed a new face at the hospital.  Like I said many times, I am a social butterfly at the hospital.  I try to talk to everyone, and become friends with all the nurses, doctors, patients and patients families.  Some of them I am closer to than others.  I guess I just kind of "feel out" each personal encounter.  There are some people who prefer to be left alone, so our conversations are short, and there may be days that there is only a polite "hello" and a smile exchanged.  There are others who will talk your ear off.(I love those types of people because I am the same way.  If you know me, you know I'm a chatterbox).  I can talk for hours with these people and never miss a beat.  I pride myself on being able to read people, and knowing what type of person they are.  The one person I had trouble reading was Clive.  He didn't really offer up any kind of emotion, and I never saw him smile.  He looked angry all the time, but I could see sadness in his eyes.  I was curious, and I wanted to know more about this mysterious man.

About two weeks after his arrival to the hospital, I finally decided to approach him.  I went over to him, pulled up a chair next to his, and introduced myself.  He never took his eyes off of the TV.  That didn't bother me, so I went on talking.  I told him a little about myself, and asked him his name.  He told me it was Clive, still without showing any emotion,  or acknowledgement.  I thought to myself, he's not much of a talker, so we'll just watch TV together.  I made a comment about the show we were watching, and that's when I finally got him to respond.  I can't remember what exactly I said, but when I said it he looked at me and just said "I love this show!"  I was surprised to hear him say that, but I was happy he was talking to me.  We continued to watch the show.  We were laughing and carrying on like no one else was around.  My nurse came up to me and said they were ready for me to go in for my next dose.  I asked if it would be ok if I waited until the end of the show.  My nurse told me it was ok and walked back to the nurses station.  Clive looked at me and said that I didn't have to stay with him.  I took my hand and put it on his.  I looked him square in the eyes and said that I wanted to stay there with him.  After I said that I could see tears welling up in Clive's eyes.  I was unclear what was causing this man, who has shown no emotion since arriving at the hospital, to cry.

Clive wiped a tear from his eye with his other hand, and then he said something I was completely not expecting.  He looked at me and said that no one has touched him in years.  I thought to myself, "what does he mean by that".  I was confused to say the least.  He continued talking.  He told me that he has spent the majority of his life striving for fame and fortune.  He went on to say that he has pushed everyone away his whole life.  He could never trust anyone.  He was an only child, and he moved away from his family at a young age.  He never got married, and never had children.  He told me his life, to him, was always about making money.  Nothing else matter as much as getting rich.  He kept his eyes and head down while telling me all of this, as if he was ashamed.  When he looked up, he looked right into my eyes and said "look at me now".  He explained to me that he worked hard his whole life, and that he has made more money then he ever thought he would.  Then he said the said the phrase that really hit me hard.  He said that he has never been happy.  I'm was shocked to hear that.  Clive is eighty-four years old, and he has never been happy?  I couldn't believe it.

Clive went on to tell me a little more about his life, and how he got to where he is today.  I was listening, but my mind was still reeling.  I was overwhelmed that this man couldn't remember a happy time in his life.  He finished his story, and looked at me with that same sadness in his eyes.  I kept my hand on his, and took his other hand with my other hand.  I looked at him with tears in my eyes.  I told him right then and there, that I was going to change that.  He was no longer going to feel alone, sad and unhappy, not with me around.  I asked him if I could give him a hug.  I remember him saying "if you want to".  I gave him the biggest hug I could(without squeezing the guts out of the poor guy).  I had to go for my next dose of treatment then, but I told him to stay put...we had another episode of King of Queens(the show we were laughing about earlier) to watch.  He smiled and said he wasn't going anywhere.

When I finished my treatment I went out into the area where Clive was.  I was excited to get back to our conversation.  I was making a bee-line right to him, when I got stopped by a nurse.  She asked me what I said to Clive.  I told her that it was nothing specific, that we were just chatting.  She said that he was like a "new man".  She went on to tell me that she had never seen him smile, and she has never even heard him talk, other than to complain.  She said he was so nice to her.  I looked at her and said "you can't always judge a book by it's cover".  I told her that all he needed was to be opened up, and a little "Meg time"...hehe!  She said it was like night and day.  She was praising me for the impact I made on Clive.  I smiled and said that I was just returning the favor.  Sarah had made that same impact on me.  She hugged me and told me to go "work some more magic".  I spent the next two hours with Clive talking about everything imaginable.  We made a strong connection that day, a connection that has continued to grow.  Now I see a sparkle in his eyes.  He loves talking to the nurses and patients(he said he's still not to keen on the docs).  He tells me everyday how happy he is and my heart just melts.

No matter how young or old, people continue to amaze me.  I learn so much from those around me.  Whether it be old friends, new friends, family or complete strangers.  I try to take something away from every conversation I have.  Every person I meet has an effect on me.  Take time to listen to others and share the things you learn with the ones who mean the most to you.

You find strength in the most unexpected places

I want to start by apologizing for the issues regarding my last two posts.  I'm not sure why a section got deleted from the original post.  I hope after reading the additional post, the first post was more understandable, and the sense of cohesion was there that I intended.

My last two posts are very special, and very personal to me.  I started this journey with a angry and bitter attitude.  I couldn't comprehend why this was happening to me.  I didn't know how, or what to feel.  I shut down.  I became a person I didn't like, and a person I never thought I would become.  I was always a happy kid(at least from what I can remember).  Through my teens and early twenties I remained that happy person.  Some might say overly happy.  I remember thinking that I was always the funny/goofy one in my group of friends.  I hate to say it, but we are always labeled.  In groups of friends, or family members, there is always "the pretty one", "the smart one", "the shy one", "the crazy one", etc.  I was always "the funny one".  I was ok with that.  I loved making people laugh.  I still love to make people laugh!  We all have more than one quality, of course, but there is always that one quality that stands out amongst the rest.  When I got diagnosed with cancer I lost my identity.  I wasn't "the funny one" anymore.  I felt like I had nothing to offer.  I was a shell of who I once was.

That all changed the day I met Sarah.  Since that day in the courtyard, Sarah and I have been inseparable.  That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but we spend a lot of time together.  Sarah lives at the hospital with five other children.  They share a communal room.  They each have their own beds, a night stand, and a glider chair.  The children share a room because of their ages.  The youngest is six and the oldest is eleven. It's easier for the younger children to cope with their illness and treatments if they are all together.  All of the children go to different departments throughout the day, but they all come back to the same room.  The children have made extraordinary bonds with each other.  They are all there to support one another.  The parents of the children are allowed to come and go as they please.  The parents have all made strong bonds with the other children, as well as, with the other parents.  It's like one big happy family.  It is a beautiful site to see.

I became a regular visitor to that room.  When I was in-between treatments, I would go visit the children and the parents.  I started going to treatments earlier and staying later, so I could spend more time with those amazing kids.  I was getting to know everyone, and understanding their cancers.  I was also learning more about their lives before cancer, and their lives while fighting the disease.  Sarah was the only girl who didn't open up much about her family.  I never saw anyone come to visit her.  I figured I just missed when they visited.  Most of the parents work full-time jobs, so they can't always be around during the day.  Since I am usually there during the day time, I assumed her family came at night.  I was growing closer and closer to these children everyday.  I deeply cared for them all.  Their parents were growing closer to me too.  They would ask me to look after their son or daughter while they were away at work, or whatever else they were doing that took them away from the hospital.  I was happy to help the children and parents any way I could.  As we were all becoming friends, or "our little hospital family", as we like to call it.  I still hadn't  met Sarah parents.  I was concerned.  One day I finally decided to ask a nurse.  I wasn't sure if she would be able to tell me anything because I wasn't a relative of Sarah.  When I asked the nurse, I was shocked to hear what she told me.

Sarah was a child of the state.  I didn't know what that meant exactly.  I asked the nurse to explain.  She told me that two weeks after Sarah got her final diagnosis, her mother abandoned her.  She went on to tell me that Sarah's mom was a single mom with two children(one being Sarah).  The nurse explained to me further that she had a conversation with Sarah's mom shortly after her daughter was diagnosed and admitted to the hospital.  Sarah's mom was frantic, wondering how she would take care of a sick child, another son, and work forty hours a week.  The nurse said that she did her best that night to calm her down.  She gave the worried mother phone numbers and names of people to call for assistance with her daughter's treatment.  The nurse thought that Sarah's mom was settled down, and understanding of the options available to help the family after their discussion.  She was ready to help them more in the morning after everything sank in.  Then the nurse then told me the heartbreaking news.  That was the last time she ever saw, or heard from Sarah's mom.  She didn't even say goodnight to her child before leaving her alone and helpless.

I just burst into tears.  My heart was aching for this little girl.  How could a family abandon a child?  I was overcome with emotions.  I was so sad for her.  I was angry at her mother.  I was angry at the world for putting such an amazing little girl through so much.  I decided that I would be the mother she never had.  I would be there to support her, love her, cry with her, laugh with her, whatever she needed.  I would be there for her.  I wasn't going to abandon her.  I was going to make our bond run deeper.  She was giving me so much strength and confidence to fight my cancer.  I wanted to show her that she could always count on me.  I went back into the room with Sarah and the other children.  I put my brave face on, because I didn't want Sarah to see that I was upset.  I went right over to her and give her the biggest hug.  I told her I was going to be by her side every step of the way.  I promised to never let her down. 

She began to cry.  I'm not positive why, but I believe it was because it was the first time she felt unselfish love.  I let her know I would love her always.  I have stuck to my word, and I have been by her side everyday.  We are both battling cancer, so sometimes we can be with each other physically, but I always check in on her.  I love her as if she was my own.

Sarah has shown me such strength.  She always has a beaming smile on her face.  She has had that from day one.  Even though, she has been abandoned, stricken by illness, and has an uncertain future, she remains so positive and genuine.  She has been my angel here on earth.  She has made my terrible cancer journey bearable.  She allows me to step back from it all, and think like a kid again.  She has given me back that sense of innocence.  She has restored my hope.

Sarah was abandoned at the hospital when she was five years old.  She is now eight.  She has been living at the hospital and fighting this unbelievable fight for three years.  Her outlook on life is undeniable.

I believe we all will come across a "Sarah" in our lifetime, but not everyone will take the time to appreciate the life lessons that can be learned.  Take the time to re-evaluate your lives.  Take time to "smell the roses". Take time to find your "Sarah".

Deleted section...

I'm a little bit frustrated.  For some reason this paragraph got deleted from my last post twice.  I won't let me edit it into my prior post, so I am adding it as a new post.  I mentioned the little girl Sarah at the end of one of the paragraphs.  This section was supposed to be there to explain how she affected my life, but for some reason it disappeared.  This is what it said...

I had gotten into a pretty straight forward treatment routine.  I went in for treatments when the doctors told me to.  I followed exactly what the nurses told me to do.  I tried to go through my days as quickly as possible at the hospital.  I wanted nothing to do with anything related to the hospital, or other patients.  That all changed the day I met Sarah.

I usually just went back to my room between treatment doses.  I would either watch TV or read.  On this particular day I was feeling very anxious.  I couldn't seem to shake the feeling, so I thought maybe walking around would help.  It was a gorgeous winter day in AZ(approximately 70 degrees and sunny).  I decided to go out into the courtyard.  The courtyard was always filled with doctors, nurses, patients and visitors.  I was in my own world.  I didn't pay attention to anyone else.  I was just trying to get rid of this anxiety.  I sat down on a bench next to a beautiful water fountain.  I just sat there watching the water pass through it.  I was starting to feel more calm.  Just then a little girl came up to me.  She asked if she could sit next to me. I said "of course".  I knew she was a patient of the hospital.  She was wearing a hospital gown, hospital issued slippers and was attached to an IV pole.  I was in the same getup and also attached to an IV pole.  We were quite the pair.  She asked me my name and some general questions.  I asked her the same.  She told me that this spot was her favorite spot in the whole hospital.  We sat there chatting and watching the water fountain.  Not long after the little girl sat down, a nurse came over and asked if she was ready to go plant flowers.  She looked at me and then looked at the nurse.  She said she was ready, but only if I could plant flowers with her.  The nurse said I was welcome to join the group.  The little girl grabbed my hand and lead me over to the flower boxes.  There were five other children there planting flowers.  She introduced me to them all and we joined in the fun.  We talked and laughed while we planted.  When all the flowers were planted, the nurses took the children back to their rooms to get cleaned up.  The little girl hugged me and told me she would see me soon.  She brought a smile to my face and warmth to my heart.  I went back to my room to wash the dirt off of my hands.  My nurse walked in and I quickly began apologizing for being outside so long.  She told me to quit apologizing.  She came out to get me for my second dose, but saw me with the children.  She said she could see bonds forming between me and the children, especially the little girl standing next to me.  She wanted me to finish planting with them.  She told me treatment could wait a little longer.

That little girl who sat next to me on the bench was Sarah.  We have formed an unbreakable bond.  She has taught me so many things, and makes everyday better.

Life isn't easy

We all have tough times in our lives.  Some have more than others, but it's inevitable that we will all go through difficult situations.  These struggles can be minor and easy to work through, or they can be more severe and take a lot longer to improve.  Life always challenges us.  They way we choose to confront these challenges is what determines the outcome.

I'll be honest.  I used to think that attitude, spirituality and prayer would do nothing to help make a bad situation good.  I always thought life was more about actions, and that everything had to be concise.  I believed that only things I could prove, or that had evidence behind it would improve a difficult time of life.  It all made sense in my head.  It was easy to make a timeline, a chart, or write out an agenda.  For example, if someone is struggling financially(which most of us have or will at some point in our lives).  The way to save money and get back living comfortably is to make a budget.  The answer to the problem is right there on paper.  It's that easy right?  More often than not it isn't that easy to get out of rough patch.  I wanted to believe that I could somehow put the answers to all my health issues on paper.  I wanted to be able to follow the timeline, and know exactly how and when I would beat this cancer.  I kept that thought process for a long time.  I was so stubborn(I blame my parents for giving me my stubborn side...haha).  I refused to try other avenues to better my situation.  I figured if I couldn't see the plan, or see that changes happening immediately, then it wouldn't work.  To me it was pointless to try anything other than what the doctors were telling me to do.  I took my medications and went to treatments.  I didn't feel that anything else would help.

I was told all the time that people were praying for me, or they would tell me God was looking out for me.  Don't get me wrong, I was greatly appreciative of their prayers.  I was very touched to hear that so many people around me were thinking of me, and they were taking time out of their days to say a prayer for me.  I just didn't believe that prayers and positive thinking was going to heal me.  I went along thinking that the only way I would get through this was to follow doctors orders.  It is important to stick to the treatment plan that doctors and patients agree upon, but that isn't the only way to heal.  I learned that the day I met Sarah.

My life was filled with many positive, uplifting people.  My parents, sister, brother-in-law, husband, my in-laws, my extended family and my amazing friends have always had my back.  They have all been so supportive, and have tried to keep me as positive as possible.  I was still feeling that having a cheery disposition wasn't going to help me get through my treatments, or kill this cancer.  It was wonderful to see that everyone around me was so upbeat, but I remained depressed.




Since that day in the courtyard, I no longer stay in my room between treatments.  I am out talking to other patients and nurses.  The children who were all planting flowers live at the hospital because their cancers are so evasive.  They have a large room where they all stay.  I make it a point to visit them every chance I get.  They changed my view of life as a cancer patient.  They taught me that it is important to remain positive, and to continue having fun.  Life doesn't stop when you get diagnosed with cancer unless you let it.  My faith, spirituality, hope and happiness were restored that day in the courtyard.  I have chosen to pass along the lessons I learned from the kids.  I have not succeeded if I don't put a smile on the face of everyone I see during the day.

Highs and Lows

We all go through life experiencing highs and lows.  That's a given.  Sometimes the highs can be something so simple, like a hug from an old friend.  They can also be something more extravagant, like getting married or winning the lottery(wouldn't that be nice).  The lows can follow the same trend.  It's important to appreciate the highs and learn from the low points life throws at us.

My biggest struggle lately has been coping with not being able to have children and experience pregnancy.  Halloween is approaching.  I go to the stores and see all the cute costumes and the children running around excited for trick-or-treating.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever have a child to take trick-or-treating.  Not to mention, it seems like all of my friends are having babies.  Some of them are on their second, or third child. I see all of the statuses and pictures they post on Facebook.  I am so happy for them, but inside I'm saddened by the thought of not having the chance to go through pregnancy.

I think it is more difficult to deal with the lows that have stripped you of something you thought was a "sure thing".  When I pictured my future I always assumed I'd get married and have children.  That was just the way life would be.  I never even thought about having that chance taken away from me.  I didn't have much of a choice in the matter.  I could forgo surgery, and hope that tumors would go away and not spread, or I could have surgery and know those tumors were gone.  It was pretty much a no-brainer.  My husband put it best when he said that we could try to have a baby, and the outcome could be worse.  I could possibly get pregnant, but during the process one of us or both of us could die.  The risks were just too high.

I know there are so many children in the world who need good homes.  Jeff and I hope to be able to adopt a child one day.  I just can't help feeling sad about not being able to carry a child myself.  I feel like a failure.  So many people can have children so easily, but I can't.  I can give my husband a family.  I will be honest, it makes me angry.  I feel like so many things have been taken away from me because of my health.  I've learned to deal with that.  I know I haven't had the life of a "normal" person in their 20's.  I know I will have life long issues to contend with as a result of the cancer and other medical issues.  I've come to terms with all of those things.  I still struggle with the fact that I will never be able to make a family for Jeff.  I have taken that opportunity away from him.  It makes my heart ache.

Jeff has never once said anything negative about the decision to have the hysterectomy and remove the tumors.  He is has always been positive.  He continually reassures me that it was the right thing to do, and we can adopt when we are ready.  I smile and agree, but in the back of my mind there are so many thoughts running around.  I wonder if he is just telling me these things to make me feel better about the situation?  Does he really have feelings that run deeper?  Does he resent me for having the surgery?  Does he wish he made the choice to walk away when this all started?  I don't blame him if he does have those thoughts.  We can be as positive as we want to be, but the truth is we may never be able to have child.  Adoption is expensive, and are never 100% guaranteed.  The thought of never being a mom, and never seeing my husband be a dad(because I know he will be an amazing father) scares me.

I am envious of the women who are able to bring a life into this world.  I have to continue thinking that someday Jeff and I will be parents.  I have to remember that with every low, a high is soon to follow.

What I've learned...

I think I'm a pretty smart person.  I went through school...I did all my book learning. ;)  I thought I knew what life had in store for me.  I thought I could clearly see my path ahead of me.  I was ready to follow it.  I was ready to be completely independent and in charge of my own destiny, but life lead me down another path.  This path being filled with many peaks and valleys, as well as, a lot of bumpy roads.  Many times I wanted to just end it all.  I would be lying if I said I didn't think about giving into my illness and saying goodbye to the world.  There have been nights when I have had the pill bottle in my hand, ready to take them all, go to sleep, and just not wake up.  I thought that would be my way out.  I thought this would make it easier on everyone.  We have been going through this for too long.  It's time for me to give up.  I thought I figured out the answer to this mysterious puzzle.  I was going to kill myself.

I don't want you all to think I gave into that decision lightly.  I have been in and out of hospitals since I was 18, when I got my gall bladder out.  That surgery just sparked everything and my body hasn't been the same since.  I have been to over 25 hospitals and cancer centers, I have had over 60 surgeries/procedures, and I have seen over 100 doctors.  I was at my wits end, to say the least.  I felt I didn't have a life, at least not a life worth living.  My only option was suicide.  That was the only thing clear in my mind at that point.

Every time I finally thought this was the night I'm going to do it.  Tonight will be my last night on earth, I always thought of my amazing family and incredible friends.  My mom and dad's faces came to mind.  I could hear my sister's voice telling me I can't give up.  I thought to myself, what will they think about me just quitting the fight and succumbing to my cancer?  They have been right there beside me through this whole ordeal.  They have been fighting just as hard, and just as long as I have been.  They aren't giving up.  Why should I?  I also thought of my wonderful husband.  He's never walked away from the difficulties we've endured.  He always remains so positive and sees me beyond my cancer.  He sees the "real" me.  I can't give up.  I can't quit when everyone around me is supporting me and helping me through every step of the way.  Every single time I thought about forgetting about it all and letting my cancer win, I put those pills down.  I have too much to live for.  I have fight left in me.

I am not trying to preach to anyone, or tell anyone how to live their lives.  I just want you all to take a look at what you have right in front of you.  Tell your family and friends that you love them.  Don't be afraid to let your emotions show, or ask for help when you're feeling low.  Friends and family will always be there to pick you up.  I promise, they won't let you down.  In turn, do the same for them.  Help them through hard times, even if you're going through your own struggles, they will return the favor.

I wouldn't be here today with out my outstanding family and truly wonderful friends.  I thought I had to keep all of my health issues to myself, so that I didn't burden those around me.  Always remember that your family and friends are around you because they want to be. They choose to be around you.  Let them in, and help them along their paths.  The reward will be plentiful.

A little bit of history

I don't think I will typically be posting twice in one day, but I was thinking that I should provide a little bit of a back story.  So, here it goes.

I was diagnosed with cancer in April 2009.  At first my diagnosis was cervical cancer.  I was terrified to hear the word cancer come out of my doctor's mouth!  I immediately had every awful thought run through my head.  I thought for sure that it meant I was going to die.  I was ready to say my goodbyes and throw in the towel.  My doc calmed me down and said that with surgery and treatment I would beat this and go on to live a normal life.  Ha!! That didn't happen!  As the doctors began running more test and finding more issues.  The diagnosis was no longer just cervical cancer.  The treatment was no longer just a quick surgery and a round of radiation.  Ugh!  I had no idea what to think or feel.  I was pretty new to Arizona.  All my friends and family were in WI, or scattered in other areas of the country.  I had just started dating a new guy(my now husband-so cute I know!).  I didn't know what to do.  By the time all of my tests and doctor's appointments were done I was exhausted!  Little did I know, that would be the "easy" part.  My final diagnosis was a rare form of cancer with tumors that were attacking multiple organs. OMG!!!  How do you process information like that?  I didn't know how to deal with it.  I didn't even cry.  I was in complete shock!  I drove back to my house(that I was sharing with two roommates), and I hid in my room.  I couldn't even get up the nerve to call my parents, my sister, or any of my friends.  I just sat on my bed and stared at the wall.  What was going to happen to me?  Am I strong enough to fight this?  Should I move back home?  Should I stay here?  There were so many questions without any answers.

I finally got the nerve up to call my parents.  My mom answered and I said "mom, I have cancer".  I can still hear that whole conversation as I sit here typing.  She began to cry and she said "what are you thinking"?  I said nothing.  I couldn't speak.  I was(for the first time ever) at a complete loss for words.  I still wasn't crying over my final diagnosis.  I was thinking...what is wrong with me?  You just got a horrible diagnosis and you're feeling nothing!  You must be crazy!  It's happened, you've finally just lost it! I did eventually cry over the news that I had gotten.

Like I said, I had just started dating a new guy.  We had only been on a few dates, but I was quite smitten with him.  I didn't want to lose him, but I knew I would after telling him about my health issues.  I didn't have the courage to call him, so I text him(lame I know, but I was so afraid of his response).  I told him that I had cancer and that I totally understood if he wanted to end our relationship.  He completely shocked me when he said he didn't want to walk away from what we had.  He knew that there was something special between us.  That was the first time I cried after receiving such awful news.  I knew that I wasn't going to be going through this alone.  My family and friends were all there for me.

After many conversations with my doctors and family, we decided it would be best for me to stay in AZ.  There were better treatment facilities out here for me, and I now knew I wouldn't be alone.  Jeff(my now husband) promised to helped me through this.  My family and friends have been helping me through every twist and turn this crazy journey throws at me.  I cannot thank them enough!

I have been battling this cancer for two and a half years now.  Some days are horrible and other aren't so bad.  My tumors have come and gone and come back again.  I have tried many different types of medication and treatments.  I have learned that keeping a smile on my face and being surrounded by the ones I love is what is going to get me through this.

Many of the nurses, doctors and other patients ask how I can keep a smile on my face everyday.  Most of the time I tell them they are crazy, because there are a lot of days it's hard to put that smile on.  I have made the decision to make this part of my life a positive one.  I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself,  blaming anyone and everything, and feeling like a victim.  I tell those people who ask me why I have a smile of my face that it is because of them.  I have a smile because they are fighting to find a cure or treatment that will work for me, they are providing me the health care that I need and most importantly my fellow patients, family and friends are giving me the strength to fight this!  I am no longer fighting this just for me, I'm fighting for everyone in my life.  You all give me the courage to say, I'm going to beat this!

First Post!

So, most of you are probably thinking that this will be a pretty boring blog.  Maybe it will be to most of you.  The title of this is "The life of a 20-something cancer patient", but I don't plan on boring everyone will random medical info and facts about my treatments.  Don't get me wrong...there will be some of both included in this blog.  My main focus of this is to share with everyone stories from myself and other cancer patients I come across.  I have learned so much about myself as well as many others going through this difficult time in my life.  For so long, I have thought of my diagnosis as a punishment or a curse.  I wondered why I got such a terrible hand dealt to me.  I now feel differently.  I don't know if I will beat this cancer, or if it will shorten my life.  I just know that I need to live in the moment.  I am surrounded by such diverse and interesting people everyday, as well as amazing family and friends spread all around the country.  They have all made such huge impacts on my life, and I have started viewing this experience in a whole new light.  I hoping that I can open some of your eyes to this crazy, but interesting world.  I know that most people see hospitals as scary and uninviting.  Believe me, that is how I used to think of them.  After being in and out of them for almost 9 years straight, I now see how truly life-changing they can be.  I hope this intrigues some of you to follow me along this journey.  I think it may make you think twice about what you once perceived.