Regrets

I continually get asked what kind of regrets I live with? What mistakes do I fixate on every single day? They seem to think I have a long list of enemies, and/or events in my life that cause me to lie awake a night dwelling upon how this happen and what I could have done in the perfect moment in time to have bettered the situation. In actuality, I don't sweat it. I live my life regret/free.

Saying I live regret-free is almost worse than fixating on certain consequences and dwelling on past event. Reliving those moments my be very a beneficial part of closure, acceptance, and/forgiveness. Those moments are can be very cathartic. All of those techniques can be extremely constructive during such complicated times. I advocate those feelings. I say "go, express yourself." Anyway you want, cry, dance, sing, laugh, act like a kid again if even for just one night. We all need to take a jump back from our everyday lives and make time to PLAY!! LAUGH!! And Most of ALL LOVE!!

I can honestly say that I live a regret-free life because I have been dealt a loosing hand one-to-many-times, and I'm still kickin'! I'm sure there are plenty more crappy hands that will come my way in this "gave of life", but I'll keep fighting through them.

I'm not completely devoid of feelings and hope. I have wishful thinking for the future. I, of course, wish that I could be around all of my family and friends as I am going through such an awful poking, prodding, surgeries, procedures, there to help me through the horrible side effects, etc.  I don't regret not getting diagnosed with cancer a thousand miles away from my closest family and friends. I was terrified. I needed more information and luckily at that time my boss had an awesome doctor to refer to me. That is how my cancer journey began. The most ironic part is that I would find the love of my live two weeks later. And he chose to stick around even though I gave him a no-haggle out clause. If that isn't love that I don't know want it.

Where do the regrets factor in? They seem like a useless expenditure of time and energy. I am already in a frail state. I still have cancer, but it hasn't beat me yet!! No regrets here. I'm not looking to add any regrets, especially when there is still a future ahead of me! I have the most amazing group of supporters constantly around me. My mom and my dad are my rock, my sister and her husband are un-freak-en-believable! My husband has been beyond incredible!! All my extended family, my hospital family, all my glorious friends spread all over the place... I can't thank you all enough!!!!

With all this gratitude, there is no room for regret. If there is something from my past I have not done yet, "I grab the bull be the horns, and just do it!" No more waiting for the perfect time. There will never be a "perfect time" to learn the ukulele, so there's no time like the present!! Jumping out of an airplane...why the heck not? I could die in the sky, or the cancer could kill me. I'm will to take that chance. Most of all, I find myself never wanted to end conversations. I know it doesn't sound glamorous, or exciting, but I just want to take everyone whom is important to me everywhere I go. That way I'm never alone.

This blog is also a reminder to never have regrets. The story, thoughts, and words are all mine. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many fantastic people. I have seen them at their best and and at there worst. Regardless, of what we look like on the outside, our souls run deep. Sometime no words need to be spoken. Then on the flip side, it is a glorious feeling to see a patient walk out of the hospital after months of treatments.

I like to say that there is "so much more beauty in the broken because our scars give us character, we dare to be different and everything is new to us again." We all change after being in the hospital for expended periods of time. Bonds are formed deeper, trust is a must, and everyone you meet becomes like family to you. Walking down the long corridors of the hospital you see so many different stories as you walk the hall. On the left a joyous family of three. The little girl is practically jumping out of her tights. Obviously, they got good news. Then you turn to the right and you see a mother sitting on a bench with a bag a personal belongings. She reaches in and pulls out a teddy bears. She begins to sobs alone on that bench. Two completely different outcomes just minutes from each other. A few moments pass. The mother stands up. She was watching the little girl dancing. She walks towards the family. She kneels down in front of the girl and offers her the bear. The little girl looks up at her parents. The whole family and the woman move to a nearby table. The young mother explained that her son didn't survive his surgery, but he would be proud to share his favorite bear with someone as out-going and fun as you! They all smiled through their tears and the little girl's parents said it was ok to take. They exchanged phone numbers so they could do bear "check-ins", they hugged, and then they went on with the rest of their days. As the mother of the deceased boy started walking my way, she was no longer crying. She was smiling. She got some closure she needed in the moment. It was a truly remarkable sight to see!

Whatever you are doing, do it with purpose, then you with have no reason to regret it.

Stamps on our lives

Some people come into our lives and quickly become "disposable".  Others enter our lives unexpectedly and leave a beautiful "stamp" behind.  These "stamps" become an important part of our future.  They represent the qualities and attributes of all the people in our lives that are admirable, as well as, respected. I am incredibly grateful to all of the amazing family members, friends, doctors, nurses, and acquaintances whom have "stamped" my life in so many enchanting ways.

If someone brings positivity into your life and shares their joy with you, take full advantage of it.  Even if they are only in your life for a short while, be happy for the impact they made on each day spent together.  Each person you meet you will forever carry a piece of them with you.  You have left a "stamp" on each other's lives.  The memories you share are always attainable, no matter how much time passes, the distance that may grow between you, and/or any silly disagreements that may test your relationship.  We can easily summon the happy experiences whenever we want to hear each other's voices/laughs, see each other's faces, and feel each other in our hearts.  We are only an introspection away.

Although life is confusing and relationships are challenging, even the bad times have silver linings.  There are so many struggles along life's journey, but there is always a hand to reach out to. It is impossible to predict who that person will be during the specific time in your life, but don't be afraid to expose your vulnerability.  Allow yourself to accept the help you need when you need it.  You never know how much it could help and influence someone else who may be struggling.  They just may need someone to come along and "stamp" their life and encourage them to fight the battle they are facing no matter how difficult the struggle may be.

Glimmers

Over the years,  I have been asked many times a series of questions time and time again; i.e. What inspires you?  Who inspires you?  How do you stay so positive?  How can you laugh and joke around so much while your body is going through such turmoil?  How can you go over to the children's hospital and have dance parties, make-over parties, arts/crafts afternoons and therapy sessions with their children's parents all while battling through your own cancer fight?  My answer is quite simple.

With all of the terror, crime, political agendas, stress, depression, illness and frustration surrounding us daily, how do we keep moving forward?  Why do we even bother getting out of bed in the morning? Horrific and tragic circumstances are occurring every day!  It's sad, frustrating, terrifying and maddening!  These appalling incidences are preventing people from going about their day-to-day lives.  I can't let cancer and the complications from my cancer completely derail my life.  Yes, it has drastically changed my life, but we all have to adjust to change, right?

What inspires me? What keeps me "rocking" through each day is what I have affectionately come to call the "glimmer" moments in life.  That one twinkle, or on particularly "sparkly" days those moments during the day that makes me laugh unexpectedly.  Not just a snicker.  I'm talking a serious belly laugh from deep down inside, or a smile that lights up and awakens your soul.  A wholehearted and heartwarming  smile, not just a smirk.  That brief period of time, that pumps life back into me and chips away at the "wall" that continually gets built up around me to protect myself from getting hurt over and over  again(life has punched me in the gut repeatedly).  That "glimmer" of hope, love, and a blissful future instead of the fear, anxiety and sadness that fills the majority days is what I live for.  That "glimmer" allows me to escape into a euphoric daydream surrounded by the beauty and majestic artistry that is present and ever changing.  Witnessing that angelic moment in time each day.  That "glimmer", as I like to call it, touches not only my heart, but my soul.  It is the necessary cleanse and the daily reboot I need to start each new day.  It is a constant reminder for a better tomorrow not only for me, but for us all.  The "glimmer" is something different for each one of us.  We all prioritize our lives differently.  The most important factor is that we all maintain that drive towards balance and inspiration, as well as, keeping an eye on the look out for the "glimmer" in each day.  As long as I see that there is still good in the world I know there is still happiness surrounding the ones I love.  In the grand scheme of it all that is first and foremost.  I will do anything and everything to take away any form of negativity from my loved ones.

I truly believe that life is about the "little things" and the "glimmers" life has to offer.  Those are the moments we remember forever.  Each time we think about them they will bring a smile to our faces, peace within ourselves, and kindness to share with those around us.  Next time you are having a stressful day, or just a bad day in general, try to see that glimmer of light ahead.  I promise that it is out there even during your darkest hours.

I'm Free

Death is never an easy subject to talk about. Some people believe if you don't talk about it nothing will happen, as if it doesn't even exists. Others believe it's like saying the word "Beetlejuice". If you say it to many times it will happen in an instant. We all have all have different "theories" and "superstitions" when it comes to death.

There are also so many "fads" to helps us stay younger longer so that we can live longer, but is it worth it? Is it worth spending hundreds, thousands, or even millions of dollars on treatments and surgeries when death is imminent? These costly procedures cannot prevent deadly illnesses, deadly accidents, murder, acts of terrorism and/or suicide.

As human beings we are meant to age. The aging process is beautiful. Every scar, wrinkle, gray hair, aching bone, etc. should be celebrated. It is the war paint we wear every day. That is something to be proud of!

Those of us whom die continue to served a purpose on this Earth. It may not always be clear, but nevertheless there was a reason why that life was taken. Sorrow and grief often overshadows this understanding for a very long time. After a while acceptance and understanding is realized. That is when the healing can commence.

No matter how it happens. No matter how young or old. No matter the last time you saw the deceased. The pain and suffering are emotions that are unavoidable.

Since being diagnosed with cancer I have witnessed and dealt with more dealth than I ever thought I would in a lifetime. It never gets easier, but I have written this poem to help me stay positive though such a sorrowful time. Maybe it can help some of you during difficult times in your life.

I'm Free 

Don't grieve for me now, for I am free.
I am following the path I have laid out for myself.
I have done the best I could with what I had and what I knew,
But it was time for me to walk along another path.
It was time for me to end one journey and start anew.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
Leaving you is only the physical part,
I will forever stay true within your heart.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened by times of sorrow,
I wish you all the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full,
I have savored so much,
Good friends, good times, the touch of a loved one.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief.
Please don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share it with me,
Because I am free now and I am forever with you.

When one door closes, another one opens...

Sometimes you can't explain what you see in another person
It just the way they take you to another place no one else has even taken you before

You came into my life during one of the worst times
When I truly hated who I had become and the life I was living
I was no longer leading a life
I was simply going through through the motions
I was broken
I was beaten down and so badly bruised
I was so clearly damaged
I was fading fast
The end was near

But you, you fought your way in
You carried the tools to break down my protective shields
You saved me
In so many ways, you saved me

You loved me
You loved me despite all of my flaws
You didn't see them as flaws, but as beauty
You gave me the strength to love myself

Because of this powerful bond we have formed.
We would go to the ends of the Earth for each other.
Most importantly, I'm all in. I am trusting you when I fall

When I tell you I need you. You never take it lightly. That act of kindness alone means so much to me. Even though, I try everything imaginable in order to not be so dependable. I also feel I have to hold myself to a higher standard during this cancer battle. I need to be there for the family and "my" kids at the children's hospital/cancer center. I have to stay strong for all of the young boys and girls going through such a difficult illness. I have to be a shoulder to cry on for the parents(especially to explain the mumb-jumbo) the doctors spew at the families. I've been in the "game" long enough, so I better understand "doctor jargon" and "nurses chatter".

Being able to help educate, comfort, and advocate for these patients is the least I can do for these people whom have become my friends and their frightened families. I cannot show signs of my pain, struggle, weakness and fear because those emotions make me vulnerable and they will project onto those whom I'm trying to help. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or having pity for me.
Cancer can change any and everyone's life at any given moment.
Yes, at times I need help. I need more and more help as time goes on, but I won't allow my illness define, or stop me from enjoying the things I love.

Love the people who saw you when you were invisible to everyone else. My heart is filled with sadness for so many of the patients at the Children's hospital. Most of the kids there were born with a rare illness, cancer, etc... These children live in a hospital and get bounced around from facility to facility. They are constantly being poked and prodded. The only people the see are their parents, doctors and nurses. The should be outside playing with friends not in a hospitals hooked up to countless machines. These poor kids feel invisible. Can you imagine then only bedroom you've ever known being a hospital room?

Cancer is all consuming. There are many MANY challenging kinds, but there are many positive sides too. You just have you look a little harder for the positives. Most of the time they sneak up on you though. They are most definitely worth the wait!

P.S. Try step out of your comfort zone and get a hot stone massage. If not today, someday. Allow yourself "me" days and don't feel guilty about rechargeing your batteries, so you can be a better wife, mother, father, friend, and extended family member, etc...

Life is full of excitement if you let be!

Live it up!!

There are things you'd love to hear
That you will never hear from the person whom you'd like to hear them from
But don't be so deaf as to not hear it from the ones whom say it from the heart.

All too often we get caught up in our own thoughts and what we "believe" we want that we don't qrealize the incredible things going on around us in the moment. Time is precious. We mustn't wait for the possibility of a "pipe dream" come true. We must live in the moment. Often times it proves to be the right choice.

Life isn't about waiting around watching the time go by, it's about living life! Get out there and LIVE!

Sparkle

I know that you don't think you're beautiful.
But maybe that's because
You never get to see your eyes light up the way I do.
Like when you're watching your favorite movie, or listening to your favorite song.
Your eyes sparkle brighter than diamonds, and your face glissen with joy.
You never get to see how beautifully blissful you look.
You always tell me that you must look ridiculous singing along to the radio in the card, or cutting to movie quotes in everyday conversations.
What you don't see.
What you don't understand is that all of those moments make up who you are.
All of those moments, all that sparkle, made me fall in love with you.
I wouldn't have it any other way....

25 More

I have no idea why, but I have been formally requested to post another list of 25 things you may, or may not know about me. My "old lady gang" paid a tech at the hospital to send me an email because they don't know how to use the "fakakta" (their words, not mine) computer. Ha! I miss that crazy bunch of oldies! This one is for you ladies! Hanoe Hobn!!!!

1. I am obsessed with flossing, like psycho obsessed. Sometimes I floss for 20 minutes or more!

2. I believe I am a rock star in the shower. I belt out tunes, dance like I actually have rhythm, and perform choreography from dance videos(well attempt).

3. I love taking pictures, but hate being in pictures...especially with the whole cancer deal. I always feel puffy, pale, ugly, and sickly.

4. I LOVE hugs! The big bear hugs. The kind where you just feel engulfed in love and warm. They are genuine and you never want them to end! I could hug like that all day long, even with strangers, but I think I would probably get put on some kind of watch list or something.

5. I have always wanted to "try my hand" at stand-up comedy, but I'm too afraid I'd get booed off the stage.

6. I'm not sure where we all go after this life, but if we have a choice I'm going to hang around as a spirit and freak all ya'll out(not in a mean way, a funny way)! 😉

7. Number 6 kind of proves that I'm an ass...eek 😬

8. I'm an old school kind of chick. I still write out most of my notes, lists, etc with pen and paper. I write in a personal journal. I'm like an old person on a computer. I can do minimal activities without assistance.

10. One of my favorite songs of all time is "Sherry" by Franky Valli.

11. I HATE overhead lighting and overly bright lamps. Soft lighting is the perfect lighting. Eww, that makes me sound like some kind of porno director! I'm not. Again, I promise!

12. I enjoy wearing sandals, but walking around with bare feet totally freaks me out!

13. I know I talk a lot about individuality and being your own person, but in truth I am a very envious person. I hide my jealousy because I am genuinely happy for my family and friends, but inside I must admit I am covetous. I am also furious at my health for taking so much from me and not allowing me to reach all my goals.

14. Every since I was a little kid I have had to have a cherry dip cone from Dairy Queen. It's been part of my summer tradition for years.

15. It makes me sound like I'm 5, but I collect Hello Kitty stuffed animals wearing t-shirts from cities I've had to travel to for treatments, or where we have lived.

16. I get a new tattoo every year for my birthday. I have 12, so far.

17. Robert Frost, Ansel Adams, and Count Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy are 3 of the most influential men I believe have ever lived. I am inspired by them everyday.

18. I sincerely love volunteering at children's hospitals and with the elderly. I only wish I could do more for all those whom are suffering.

19. My biggest fear is that I will die at a young age( fairly soon, unfortunately ), and I will never succeed at anything in my lifetime.

20. My favorite drink in the world is chai tea, iced or hot. I could drink 10 glasses a day, I swear!

21. I despise the color navy blue. Don't ask me why, I just don't like the color...except for my Mark Teixeira t-shirt. Go Yanks!! 

22. I have never been able to sit through an entire Badger sporting event because I get such anxiety I have to walk away for a while and calm down...haha! I'm a mess!

23. I am terrified of birds! They totally creep me out! I never remember liking them, but the major turning point was when we visited Alcatraz and a seagull crapped on my brand new shirt and in my eye! It was horrible and devestating! I am still scarred by it to this day!

24. My favorite perfumes are Acqua di Gio by Armani and Daisy Dream by Marc Jacobs.

25. Most people don't know how spontaneous I am, but I rarely shy away from trying anything new. Life is too short not to have fun!!

Hofenung ayer gliklekh ( Hope your happy) old lady gang! I miss you ladies! I'm sorry to the rest of you for unfortunately learning more random stuff about me. Hopefully some of it was at least humorous!! Cheers!!

The Hurt and the Healing

Someday, we'll forgive the hurt. The reason we cried, and caused us so much pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge. We must let things resolve in their own way on their own time.

After all, what matters is not the first chapter, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran this "race" we call life.

So, smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love all over again.

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people.

We do it for ourselves to get well and move on to a happier, more successful life!!!!!!

Forgiveness

To forgive is not to forget,

To forgive is really to remember,

That nobody is perfect,

That each of us stumbles,

When we want so much to stay upright, 

That day each of us said things,

That day we wish we never would have let our emotions get in our way,

Let us forget us those horrible fights,

Love is more important than being right,

To forgive is to honestly remember that we are so much more that our mistakes,

Love expresses to all of us that we are often more kind and caring, 

We are also more expecting of the flaws of others,

The question is; Can we except our own flaws?

To forgive is to remember,

That the odds are in our favor,

We all need to be forgiven at times,

We also need to forgive others whom have wronged us,

Sometimes life gives us more than we can handle,

To forgive is to gracefully remember,

That in our hearts we have the ability the begin again...and again...and again.

Why...

No one ever said life would be easy, at least not to me. I completely understand that concept. We have to "work hard to play hard". What about all of the random events that play out in our lives? Those moments that "pull the carpet out from under us". Those devestating and life changing moments. What is the explanation for those event?

*Why must the good die young?
*Why do we all take so much for granted?
*Why do we have to grow up? I miss fun classes, seeing friends everyday, sports after school, the dances, just genuine fun!
*Why do you loose so many friends when you get a cancer diagnosis? It's not contagious, I promise!
*Why is being sick so lonely?

*Why do people get cancer(at any age), or othe dibilitating diseases?

*Why does the wind deflate from your wings just as your ready to sore?

*Why does severe illness cause you to loose the friends you used to love so much?

*Why is it that the one person you so deseperately what to talk to shut you out?

*Why can't you enjoy the time you left on Earth with family, friend, traveling? Oh that's right my surgeries, procedures, doctor's appointments, and prescriptions  cost me every penny I have.

My cancer is spreading pretty quickly. Who knows, I could go tomorrow , or in a year or two. I just wanted to express my greatest appreciateing by sharing most of my inner most thoughts and personal situation. You are all more than friends, you are family. Family I love. Family I will cherish forever. Family I guarantee to never take for granted!

Thank you my dear friends, my blood family, and my adopted family. If you are fighting an up hill battle, just keep dusting yourself off when you fall and stay strong! A new surge of energy and optimism will come along to guide you along the path less traveled. The path to your "truth" and your happiness. It will be well deserved, honorable, and created by you! What could be more remarkable? 

The Flame Within

The Flame Within

I see the flickering flame,
And marvel at its brightness
Its warming nature
Though its light
Is quite pale and soft
Somehow
The brightness
Illuminates the room,
And manages 
To brighten
My heart and fill my soul
For in this flame
Burns a steady promise
Of a love and friendship shared
Across miles and miles
On this earthly plane,
And when I feel the steady warmth
Flowing from within my veins,
And see the light shining 
Like a tiny beacon of hope
I know that this little candle 
Is a symbol of love, heart,
And truth.
Thank you, dear friend.
In finding you,
I am, once again, finding me.

I'm sorry...

I know I'm boring old news. Heck, it's more fun to watch paint dry than to listen to my on-going sob story. I'm annoyed of my own story and, I don't blame everyone else being "over" my "cancer journey". I'm sorry it isn't very entertaining.

Most of my friends are married with children, or whom are expecting children. It's beautiful. They are giving life to a little baby to which someone gave birth to. Friends my age are evolving and having families. I so desperately want to visit them all but I worry about getting the little ones sick, or my health concerns interfere with plans we put in place & and penciled in.

Excuse my langue, but even my geriatric friends are more energetic than I am. I think to myself daily "shit, how can I screw things up, or they not like it. I try to follow all my doctors instructions explicitly, everything from top to bottom. I'm still a mess. I had my 7th year anniversary of my diagnosis on April 7th. It was my golden anniversary....whoo hoo!! 😷😔

Family and friends I do see all approach me with their "kid gloves" on, like I'm going to break at any moment. I understand. My health is unpredictable. They are just being cautious, but I know my own body. I can ALWAYS use a hug. I am a grow-up the kid gloves are not necessary. I am still a person. I joke around, laugh, sing in the shower and in the car, I want to visit family. I enjoy catching up with friends. It have been nice being back in my home, but I miss my husband, Buckley and his big old Saint Bernard head, and my cuddle-bug Milo!

I must admit feel I have completely lost any and all identity I once had. I am just a patient, just a number where ever I go. It's heartbreaking. My doctors don't seem to be as proactive as they used to be. If they are giving up on me, then what is the point in me continuing along this path? The pain is unbarable and we have to travel so far for me to get the blood infusions and iron infusions I need. It's the worst feeling in the world. I'm useless and disposable.

Each one of us has the opportunity within us to write our own futures and forge forth toward our own opportunities. I have learned to face my fears and take chances in life , before it's too late.

Life is a book - Your book

Life is a book,
Written over ages,
It is not what is on the cover,
It is what's on the pages,

Sometimes dark storm clouds roll in,
These clouds invade the sun,
Taking over the sky above,

The lightening strikes and the thunder loudly cracks,
Rain pours down to nourish the earth, and provides a fresh start for us all
Mother Nature is healing itself, and allowing us to view our lives at a new angle and through untainted eyes. The light is much clearer.

Light comes just when you thought you've lost all things into the darkness.

We all have that light inside us. Don't let it burn out. As long as that fire inside is still flickering, the passion is still there. Hold on to that light, and always reach for the stars!!

Cancer changes us all...

I'm sure you are all very busy with your own everyday life routines and necessities. I would never want to add any extra stress, or burden to your lives in any way. I would like to offer a proposal. I suggest that on days we have "free" time, or can allocate some "personal" time, we take full advantage of the rare occasion. It's surprising how revitalizing it can be taking a few moments to read a newspaper articles, in its entirety, or the entire newspaper. When is the last time you have gotten lost in a good book. Wouldn't it be lovely to enjoy a picnic on a warm spring day with the company of someone you adore at the park without having to watch every move every child takes. Feeling the sun warm your skin, the scent of fresh flowers floating in the air, the calming waves of the ocean, the lake, a river, or a babbling brook near by. Wouldn't it be nice to just close your eyes and take a deep breath of that delightful fresh air! Breathing in those glorious scents as we rock back and forth in an Adirondack chair enjoying a soft breeze and the companionship of lovely friends and family. The time flies by as we sit and rock without obsessing over the many tentions throw our way. Before we know it the day has turned to night. Thankfully, we are still comforted by the beautiful spring night, the enchanting conversation beneath the twinkling starts. In that moment, we allow our worries to fade away for an instant and we entitle ourselves to a short instance of serenity. Those moments are all too rare. Don't forget to savor them, hold them close, and store them in your memory for those days when you feel as those you can no longer hold on to the life you're living. No "rut" is too deep to dig out of, especially if you're willing to ask for help when you need it. It's those significant times in your life that will give you the strength to pull yourself through even the darkest of hours.

I have had to call on many of those memories lately. The minute I am about to lose hope. I'm talking seconds away from "rock bottom", the tables have turned(or at least shifted), and I am given my second, third, fourth, etc ounce of hope again. My faith in humanity gets restored, even if only for a while. I have no explaination for it, no rhyme or reason, just pure dumb luck. Without it I would have been gone years ago. "Sure as shit". Please excuse my language, but I would have never made it to 30 years old. That's for sure. Either someone wants to see me suffer through this life, or my Grams, Gramps, my aunt Sister Pat, and those whom have passed before me are "pulling the strings" up there and keeping me on my "game". They must see something in me I haven't been able to see in a long time now. My family has always been a bunch a tough "old birds". It's not easy to take one of us down! I won't back down. I've said it before, so I might as well say it again. I'm gonna go down swinging! Never without a fight!

So many supporters from all over the nation/world have offered me encouragement. What kind of coward would I be if I let all of those people down? I cannot, and I will not do it. I am so unbelievably grateful that I have a match lined up for my bone marrow/step cell transplant. I hope and pray I will be able to get the funding required to begin the process of procedures needed before my health deteriorates further. If my condition worsens, who knows what the outcome may be. It my be beyond the point of repair. Between all of my current medical bills, the pre-procedure costs, the transplant, and post procedure care...the numbers are alarming!!!! It's terrifying! I had absolutely no clue how much of an epidemic this has become in America. Too many people die because they cannot afford the care they need! Too many people get disability when they don't truly need it, and people like me suffer without any form of financial aid! It makes my stomach churn! We are familiar with the costs and uncertainties of healthcare and medical costs. Everyday there is another hurdle to overcome, another hospital/doctor's office bill and they all become more frightening than the day before! The laws are ever-changing and the fine print gets longer and longer. More rules and regulations and many more hurdles to jump. With all of my current medical bills, the pre-procedure costs, the transplant, and post procedure care...the numbers are alarming!!!! It's terrifying! I honestly don't know if I find a facility, funding, etc if it will be a success for not. Nothing in life is guaranteed, especially when it comes to healthcare. My husband and I don't have that kind of money to gamble with. We cannot keep relying on family and we cannot have fundraisers constantly. I hate feeling like a charity case, but my options are very limited. It makes me feel very weak and a kind of like a loser.

The most difficult part about dealing with a serious illness is the isolation. Not many people want to "hang out", or "party" with a cancer patient. It's even more difficult now being 1,000 away from my husband. I currently need 24 care because of my serious aniema condition and my the spread of my cancer. We are also visiting other multiple hospital and cancer centers to find the best place for my treatment. If I do find the proper facility in the Midwest, it will keep me away from my husband and the home we built the together even longer. I'm not sure I can do that, but living off of only one income that is our only option. I never knew I could miss someone so much. I miss my little family(Jeff, Milo & Buckley)it hurts! Cancer hurts, but it doesn't compare to the heart break of being away from my boys.

The things I miss the most:
   - Holding my Husband's hand

   - The fact that he let me hug him as long as I need/want to
   - Falling a sleeping in my hubby's arms
   - Dancing to "our" song randomly in the kitchen, or living room
   - Going on "dates"
   - Feeling powerful, not powerless

   - His loyalty

   - His unwavering love

   - His huge heart

   - They fact that he thinks my "crazy side" of my personality is cute & fun

Cancer changes every aspect of your life physically and emotionally.  Some days it's difficult to get out of bed, others you just have to take one day-at-time. It's the little thinks that bring happiness. The smallest gesture can change the mood of an entire day. Having someone there to hold your hand or give you a hug when there are no words to be said. The hug, or a friendly caring touch says it all.

God Bless My Hometown

Strength is no longer a term I take lightly. The dictionary defines strength as; 

1. the quality or state of being strong; 
    bodily or muscular power; vigor.   
2. mental power, force, or vigor.

I define strength as something much more. Strength comes from within and becomes all encompassing. It becomes like another sense. It takes over without any provocation, but it only lasts so long before it too begins to weaken. The fear paralyzes the strength. It's terrifying. All I can do now is take life one of day at a time. Some days are worse than others. I hope I can hold on long enough to get the treatment I need. I can't deny that I'm scared. Each day gets harder. I'm blessed to have friends and family in my life to lean on for strength I no longer have. I need it now more than ever.

*The following is an article written by an amazing journalist Amanda Lutey associated with the local news publication in my hometown. I am honored to share it on my blog.*

**Special shoutout to Emily West for all the work she put into getting this article published and setting up the fundraiser! Thanks Em!**

A woman fighting cancer is staying with her family in Beaver Dam while waiting for the opportunity to get a bone marrow and stem cell transplant.

Megan (Farrell) Kleinman said since she began having health issues, she has been to more than 25 hospitals and cancer centers, has had more than 60 surgeries or procedures and been treated by more than 100 doctors.

Born and raised in Beaver Dam, the daughter of Kevin and Sandy Farrell and the sister of Danielle, Kleinman attended Washington Elementary School, Beaver Dam Middle School and graduated from Beaver Dam High School in 2003. She attended Northern Michigan University in Marquette, Mich., for two years before transferring to Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, Ill., where she earned a bachelor’s degree in English literature and communications.

Kleinman said her health concerns began while still a senior in high school when she had her gallbladder removed in March 2003. In January 2004, she received a diagnosis of endometriosis. It is a condition where the tissue that forms the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterine cavity, which causes pelvic pain and menstrual irregularities. In March 2004, she had her appendix removed.

After college, Kleinman said her health problems continued – with worsening symptoms but no answers from doctors.

“I was getting shuttled from one doctor to the next,” Kleinman wrote. “By 2008 I had no clear diagnosis and I had a couple deaths in my family that were unexpected. I was at a breaking point. I knew I needed a change, so I decided in one day I was going to move across the country.”

A week later, she packed her car and moved to Arizona, after securing a transfer from her job in retail.

“I really didn’t know anyone in Arizona,” Kleinman wrote. “I had one friend out there from high school. I just felt numb in the beginning. I was just going through the motions but not really living. That all changed when I landed a dream job. I was hired at a nanny agency to help place nannies with families. I loved it because I was able to work with both the nannies and the families. I got to have relationships with both groups. I also revamped the website and was putting my degree to use. I was on track to becoming a partner in the company. I had a wonderful relationship with the owner of the company. We became fast friends.”

Her friend introduced Kleinman to the man who would become her husband.

Things were looking up, but she was still experiencing health issues.

“I tried my best to ignore them. I hoped they would resolve themselves,” Kleinman wrote. “I was ready to be happy and prosperous again. My job was heading in a fantastic direction and I had met an amazing guy. I thought my luck was changing.”

Not even one year after landing her perfect job, and only two months into dating Jeff, whom she calls the man of her dreams, Kleinman was diagnosed with cervical cancer in April 2009.

Doctors changed the diagnosis to endometrial cancer. Kleinman went through multiple rounds of chemo and radiation and underwent a full hysterectomy in May 2010, followed by more radiation.

The cancer continued to spread, complicated by infections, problems with scar tissue and anemia.

“I have soft tissue sarcoma, parathyroid lesions and aplastic anemia,” Kleinman wrote.

Kleinman said her parents, sister and brother-in-law have gone above and beyond to help her financially and emotionally.

“I am extremely lucky to have an incredibly supportive family, and that the amazing guy I was dating when I got diagnosed stuck around,” Kleinman wrote. “I was sure he would walk away. I practically told him to, but he never left my side. In fact, he married me.”

The couple will celebrate their sixth anniversary in September.

“He works tirelessly just so we can pay our bills. My parents have taken on second jobs when they should be retiring so they can help with my medical bills,” Kleinman wrote. “My sister has organized a few fundraisers over the years to help pay for medical bills and procedures/surgeries I’ve needed. We are still buried in bills.”

Her friend, Emily West, who also graduated from BDHS, organized a pop-up shop as a Chloe + Isabel merchandiser and is donating 100 percent of her commission to help Megan.

“It’s people like Emily that give you the hope to keep fighting,” Kleinman wrote. “Emily and I have know each other since we’ve been around 12 years old. No matter how close, or far apart we have lived, we have always stayed in touch. She is a beautiful person both inside and out.”

Kleinman has been in Wisconsin, staying with her parents in Beaver Dam since a few days before Christmas.

“My health has put me in a position in which it is dangerous for me to be home alone. I often faint due to blood loss,” Kleinman wrote. “I have so much swelling due to the lesions in my throat I have a lot of trouble swallowing. I choke on the medications I need to take daily. Since I’ve been home, my dad has had perform the Heimlich maneuver four times.”

She will return to her home in New York with her husband soon. Kleinman has been waiting two years for a bone marrow transplant. She said her donor match is the doctor who first diagnosed her in Arizona.

“He is retired now and lives in Colorado, but we have maintained a friendship over the years. He’s a great man. I don’t have any grandparents left living, so he is not only a former doctor, and a friend,” Kleinman wrote. “He’s like family to me.”

Kleinman said they need to pay down some of their current bills before going forward with the transplant, because her insurance will only cover half the cost. She worries, because if her body rejects the transplant, the insurance will cover none of the transplant costs.

Kleinman maintains a blog and offers advice to others there.

“Don’t let life pass you by. Don’t assume you’ll have one more day. Stop pushing back all of the things you’ve been waiting to do. Embrace life while you still can. I know that I regret not doing more while I was in better health,” Kleinman wrote.

West opens pop-up shop in March

Emily West, who graduated from BDHS with Megan in 2003, is helping raise funds for Megan through an online boutique.

After graduating from BDHS, Emily graduated from Marian College with a bachelor’s degree in business administration in accounting, economics and finance. She went to work in Milwaukee as a mutual fund accountant, but joined the Navy after the market crashed in 2009.  She served in the Navy until last August, and then moved to her husband’s hometown of Hailey, Idaho.

“I decided to become a merchandiser for Chloe and Isabel in February because I wanted to have a way to financially contribute to those in need,” West wrote.

West typically donates 50 percent of her commissions, but is donating 100 percent in March to help Megan with her medical expenses.

“Megan has been a true source of inspiration for me - her strength, courage, tenacity, and continued positivity in the face of her extremely unfortunate circumstances,” West wrote. 

West said March is customer appreciation month, so customers who spend $200 will receive a $50 credit for future purchases.

To shop this month and help Megan, visit https://www.chloeandisabel.com/boutique/emilywest.

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Dear Meg

Dear Meg,

Your 31st birthday is steadily approaching and your future remains to be a series of uncertainties.  The best way to explain it, and/or label it a "possible future of undeniable chaos".  There are no plans for the future.  Your future is purely dictated by your health.  You have had to forfeit all control to your cancer.  It's offical, the white flag has been flown.  You have surrendered.  You have given every ounce of yourself to dreadful disease.  You have bled, cried, suffered, pleaded, prayed, and turned to every source of comfort possible.  None seem to lead to resolution.  They only lead to anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, desperation, and difficulties for family and friends.  The family and friends whom haven't written me off years ago.  Living with a serious illness causoes a natural rift between those closets to you, as well as, acquaintances, and strangers alike.

When a milestone, such as a birthday, rolls around.  It is inevitable that you will reevaluate the past year.  Remember all of the hopes and dreams you had?  All the big plans you had for your for that year/for the future. Then you remember you spent most of the last year in a hospital bed, or trapped inside your house.  Going out is to dangerous for my extremely immunity.  There isn't a lot to be done from a hospital bed, or laid up on the couch at home.  Even the opportunity to have children has been taken away from me.  What's left for me?  More pain and suffering?  What is worth celebrating anymore?  I am always ready to celebrate other people's accomplishments.  They are worthy of celebration.  Regrettably my minor achievements are few and far between, not to mention, pretty worthless far from reputable.

This whole note to myself experiment is turning out to be a major bore and quite the downer.  I would be lying if I said I was happy all the time. I would be lying if I didn't say that I cry myself to sleep every night(that is if I get any sleep). I again would be lying if I said that I'm going to beat this cancer. I know longer know. It gets more painful, difficult, tiresome physically and completely financial draining. It's not just me. It affect my husband by putting strain on out relationship, it deeply affects my parents, sister, brother-in-law financial, it also have ending many of my friendships.

Worst of all I feel like I've lost the person I used to be. I miss the Meg that was lively, active, spontaneous, a little bit wild. How rowdy can you get when you're constantly hooked up to medical machines and IV's. But, I digress. I may not have the strength, or energy to function as a normal 30 year old girl, but I have had the chance to observe many family dynamics throughout during my years being a patient and volunteer at various hospitals. I see some patients that have a revolving door of visitors, but they never stay long. Most of the time they are just dropping something off and don't bother to take 10 minutes out of their day catch up with their loved one. I also see patients who only get visitors once a week, but they stay for hours to really catch up with their friend or family member. I try to fill in the "lonely times" when the children's parents have to work, when the sons and daughters have to work when the elderly are alone. I become a floater. I love bringing smiles to just migh need a smile, I enjoy bringing in puzzles for the elderly and other activities for the kids.

I feel so selfish this year being so away from my Upstate family. I happy to be putting my traditional treatments on hold for a little bit to focus on a faster growing and a bit more serious situation.

How do we know who to trust anymore. I get 20 different opinions from 20 different doctors. We have to be the masters of our own bodies and speak out about I really going on inside of you. Doctors are very intimidating, but by going I prepare it was allow both of you to put together a treatment plan.

There aren't any miricles happying in hospitals these days, but miracles do still happen.

Choices

The journey of life sometimes steers us down unfamiliar paths.  Life has an interesting way of pointing us, and often guiding us in directions we were never expecting to travel.  Some good and some bad, depending how we react to the situations we've stubble upon.  While walking along these paths we become more and more courageous with each step we take, be it big or small.  As our courage grows we gain the strength to continue moving forward and face our fears.  With each new stride we open ourselves up to an abundance of a discoveries and new beginnings.  No matter how difficult and terrifying they may be, we must keep traveling along the "road of life".  The future has endless experiences to offer, and many more exciting life events to enjoy.

Don't let life pass you by. Don't assume you'll have one more day. Stop pushing back all of the things you've been waiting to do. Embrace life while you still can. I know that I regret not doing more while I was in better health. I never would have thought that at 30 years old I would feel the bodily restrictions of most 80+ year olds. 

I am not one to tell people what to do, or impart unwanted advice, but I would like to share a bit of what I have learned in my 30 years. I am probably going to sound like a teacher, a preacher, a parent, etc, and for that I am sorry. I have learned more over the past seven years than the prior 23. Society will be filled with temptation, ignorance, arrogance, and cynicism. They will always be there and cannot be ignored. It is the choices we make. The decisions we choose in which to deal with our burdens and obstacles that express our true character. 

The road to our future is long, winding, and filled with many surprises. There is no escaping the inevitable, but we all have the prerogative to live our lives in the manner in which we see fit. We all write our own stories.  I can no longer always be angry and depressed by the "cards I've been dealt". I can only live my life one day at a time. I will always be willing to listen to thoughts and suggestions about my well-being, but sometimes the conclusion will ultimately come to a stalemate. In that situation we will have to agree to disagree. There is no use in fighting the issue. A life without choices is a life not worth living. Always follow what "feels" right to you. When you trust your heart, there is no reasoning for regret.

If I Needed You

If I needed you

Would you come to me

Would you come to me

For to ease my pain

If you needed me

I would come to you 

I would swim the seas

For to ease your pain

For the past four or five years I have been told that before/after I faint and when I'm in excruciating pain I close my eyes and replay that song over and over.  I have even asked whomever I'm with me to sing with me. None of my nurses, doctors, or family members have ever been able to tell me the name of the song, or sing along with me.  The medical professionals always said that I sing it with a weak voice and very softly.  Each time I sing the song I also have a strong emotional response.  The tears I cry in that moment are not only from the pain, and all the constant internal struggles that I endure every day of my life.  I have continued to sing that song during troubled times and I often hum it to "my" kids at the children's hospital when I tuck them into their beds for the night.  This song has been a source of calming in my life.  A song I don't recall ever hearing and that those I play it around me genuinely never recognize it at all. That is until now.

I recently recieved an email from a nurse/friend I saw more often than not when I lived in Arizona.  She and I became fast friends.  We lost touch, because we don't have many chances to see each other.  She still lives in Phoneix and I live in New York.  It's challenging to make cross country trips.  Fortunately, we text, talk and email as much as we can.  Recently I came across a particular exciting email was a complete surprising to me. The subject line read:"If Ever You Need Me".  In the email she explains how she has never given up on me, or of successfully finding the name of the song and the right version.  Some of you may think this is a small, menial, and inferior task for my nurse in Arizona.  I know not knowing that song has been driver her crazy too.. This song has been an enigma and such a nuisance, to both of us, over the years.  

We all must find our best, most peaceful, and successful ways of cope.  No matter what decision you make in life you will always need to remember, when you need someone, they will come to you, for to ease your pain. The best part of this song also recites:

If you needed me, I would come to you

I would swim the seas, For to ease your pain.  Allow those around you from the start. It's extremely challenging and unbelievabley terrifying. Accept the help you need. Spoken from a true hard-ass.

Be the best you! I know that is what gets me through my darkest hours. Happiness is a privilege, hold tight to those kite strings. One, or many can easily fly away. 

Bits and Bobs

Life sucks!  Sometimes it's as simple as that.  There is no way around it.  It's that moment when you just have to throw your hands in the air and surrender to the circumstances in order to start over with a clean slate.  We all go through peaks and valleys as we navigate our individual journey along the many "paths" presented to us each day.  Luckily there are many different "roads" to follow.  If the first choice doesn't turn out as we hoped, or expected, we can go back to start and choose another "path".  It's frustrating, aggravating, discouraging, sad and often very lonely when your life is controlled by a horrible disease that is slowly killing you.  Forgive me for such a cynical and disgruntled start to this blog post.  Not only am I overwhelmed by my own health situation, my family has started the new year with many stressful, challenging, and traumatic situations.  It is only mid January.  I'm terrified to see what the rest of the year has yet to bombard us with.

Every step I take, every decision I make, and all plans I make are alway tentatively made.  I can never RSVP 100% yes to events, dinners, parties, or even meeting up with a friend at the dog park for a little while.  Most of (ok, pretty much all of the time) I have to decline invitations to any type of occasions, so I don't have to call at the last minute to cancel the arrangement we mutual agreed upon.  I hate disappointing my friends and family.  My only option is to distance myself from everyone I love because I cannot continue this "song and dance" forever.  It's heartbreaking for me.  I have reached a point in my cancer battle that some days I can't even get out of bed.  That feeling is undeniably petrifying.  I look and feel like a big 'ole hot mess most every day.  I understand that some/most of my friendships have dissolved.  Why would anyone want to waste time dealing with my illness(the physical side effects are brutal), and/or be bored out of their mind because I'm on bed rest.  Every one is better off if I just fade away while every one else is out living it up and enjoying life.

Cancer has not only taken away my social life, but the professional and philanthropist areas of my life as well.  I continue to have this internal struggle with feeling like a worthless bum.  I don't contribute anything to my family, my friends, the U.S., the world, even the universe.  I do much more damage than good.  Just call me "hurricane Meg", "tornado Meg" for the Midwestern states and "shake-a-shaka boom-boom Meg" out on the west cost.  I had to have at least one fun nickname to describe my destructive forcefield.

As I look back, the legitimately pensive part of my life is that I have been a "professional patient" for over half my life.  Almost seven of those years have been with a confirmed cancer diagnosis.  It's outrageous and depressing to think about my life strictly by the numbers.  I suppose it's fitting though.  Most days I feel more like a science project, or just a number in the line-up of other patients.  It's easy to forget underneath all of my health concerns is a person.  Even though I am 30 years old, and I have been to more doctors and hospitals than anyone would ever care to see.  Underneath it all I am still a scared little girl.

The most alarming, uncomfortable and extremely embarrassing component to being a "professional patient" is that I don't think there is a single area inside, or on the surface of my body that hasn't been seen/examined by physicians, nurses, techs, pretty much the entire medical staff.  All my "bits" and "bobs" have been poked, prodded, pinched, squeezed and squished at one point or another.  My insides have been scoped, scraped, lasered, explored, and cut.  Every inch of my body has been scanned, x-rayed, and put through series-upon-series of multiple other tests and treatments.  There isn't an area of my body that hasn't been seen, examined and re-examined.  All discretion has been "thrown out the window" by now.

There is no longer and mystery, privacy, or boundaries with my doctors, or the rest of the healthcare staff.  Honestly... What is left to see?....oh, that's right, nothing!  All my healthcare professionals have seen all my "goodies", more than I care to admit.  The simple thought of what doctors and nurses see on a daily basis make me think of the Dr. Suess book "Oh, the places you'll go".  It's more like "Ew, the places you have to go".  Those poor doctors.  I can barely look at myself from shoulders up in the mirror, muchless look at my unmentionables.  Sometime I wonder what doctors are really thinking about when they see their patients with all their "bits" and "bobs" hanging out.  It's utterly embarrassing as a patients at the doctor's office, but what do doctors think about when you have a chance meeting outside of the office setting?  Are they thinking..."Yep, I just checked her whoo-ha for "the herp" yesterday.  Lucky for that guy she's hanging all over the test came back negative.  By the looks of her "extracurricular" activities, I'll be doing another STD check very soon".  Maybe they are recounting about a few days ago when they had to cram a tube up dear old Mrs. Burton's bum when they bump into her at the grocery store, and how difficult it's going to be sharing the results with her at the follow-up appointment tomorrow.  I'm sure most physicians try to remove themselves from doctor-mode when they are outside of the office, but it has to be impossible to completely detach from what they encounter because of their field of profession.  I don't know from personal experience, but plastic surgeons must have the best stories!  I can only imagine the unrealistic requests and the uttermost ridiculous expectations certain people have that result in some pretty hilarious stories!

It's all these "bits" and "bobs" that make up who we are and how we function.  It's important to take care of them no matter how agonizing and awkward it is to seek medical attention.  Doctors are available to us as a reliable resource to help every one feel their best and maintain our optimal health.  They have all seen numerous people's "bits", "bobs", "whoo-ha's" and "booties".  I let fear and insecurities prevent myself from far too many things I've wanted to do, and things I needed to do in my life.  Never limit yourself when a simple phone call can help prevent a future without choices and provide a future filled with endless potential.