Before I Die

As many of you may, or may not know my health has taken a hard turn down a steep slope.  I am mustering up all the fight, strength and energy I have inside me to get myself through each day.  Each new morning brings on afternoons and evenings of new obstacles and higher hurdles to jump over.  Many times I feel as though I am running a race I will inevitably lose, but I can't and I won't give up that easily.  I'm a stubborn cuss that refuses to be defeated without utilizing every ounce of my being to overcome this horrible disease!  Life is too precious and too short to give up on.

One of the nurses at the cancer center approached me the other day with a very personal and intriguing question.  This particular nurse and I have grown close over the past year, but the subject matter of our conversations are usually regarding my health, or light-hearted topics.  As we've grown closer, we have began to share more intimate detailsu of our lives.  We are very much alike, but we also learn many life lessons from each other.  I very much enjoy her company and our many meaningful chats.  Her recent question surprised me, but also gave me reason to evaluate my past, as well as, my future.  The question she asked was "What does the bucket list for your life contain"?

At 30 years old, I haven't thought a lot about all the things I want to do before I die.  I always assumed I would have more time to contemplate my "to do" list.  I have been pondering her inquiry since she brought up the topic.  It may not be much, and each new day could add, or remove an item, but this is my list as of today.

Meg's Bucket List

*Pet a sea otter and a penguin, pretty much any zoo animal(preferably one that won't eat me, but I'm flexible).

*Ride atop an elephant.

*Snuggle/cuddle a baby elephant.
*Hang out ALL DAY with the HILARIOUS James Corden! He is a hoot and a half! Being a part of one of his carpool karaoke skits, or even hid out under a blanket in the backseat during the carpool would be an epic experience! My dream carpool companions would be James Corden, Lady Gaga, Barabara Streisand, and me, of course! We would rock it!!
*Have a drink with Rory McIlroy, Graeme McDowell & my hubby in Ireland and then hit the links for a round, or two.
*Kiss the Blarney Stone, then thoroughly sanitize my lips afterwords.

*Visit Edinburgh, Rome and many other cities in Europe; Florence, Vienna, Vatican City, Amsterdam, Prague, London, Paris. I would also love to visit Ireland, Bora Bora, Austrialia and Fiji (sitting 1st class on the plane, of course).
*Live abroad for at least a year(or at least for a few months). I want to soak in as much culture as I can before I die.
*Spend one entire day with the incomparable Adele. I want to experience one day surrounded and immersed within her talent and beautiful lifestyle. She is not just a singer. She is a true artist and shines with exquisite brilliance. Even though she has achieved such epic celebrity status, she remains humbled and appreciative by her extraordinary gift. She has inspired me I'm more ways than I could ever put into words. It would be on honor to be in her presence.
*Learn the art of Fencing.

*Take a ride in a hot air ballon.

*To ride in a helicopter over beautiful scenic views!
*Have Tarek and Christina from HGTV's Flip or Flip come and flip my house, or Joanna and Chip Gains fix up my house. It sure needs it. They both have such incredible skill, style and taste.

*Have a child, or twins via adoption or surrogacy since I am unable to birth a child.
*Live long enough to see my child/children grow up.

*Dance "The Carlton" with Alfonso Ribeiro.
*Have Tom Selleck record my out-going messege on my cell phone.
*Better yet! Have Tom Selleck, Ted Dansen & Steve Guttenberg record "Goodnight Sweetheart" for me to listen to before bed(since I have so many challenges sleeping). It would be truly magical if they changed the lyrics to "goodnight sweet Meg, goodnight".  It would absolutely melt my heart! OMG... I am blubbering like a baby as I write this!
*Film a scene in a movie, on a TV show, or even a commercial with Cheri Oteri and Melissa McCarthy. How ridiculously awesome would that be!?!?

*Meet Tom Selleck(he's so dreamy and an American icon), I would be honored to meet the entire cast and crew of Blue Bloods(the show has truly impacted my life),Steve Martin, Bruce Willis, Elton John, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Gary Sinise, Jeff Daniels, Craig T. Nelson, Dermot Mulrouny, Will Ferrell, Tony Bennett, Sandy B.(Sandra Bullock), Kathy Bates, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Melissa McCarthy, and the phenomenal Christina Aguilera! Having a round table discussion with this incredible group of men and women, listening to where they've been and what rolls they played, but also what they enjoy doing on there down time. Feeling a connection with these people on a human level. Not a creep-o weird way though. Just a personal level, not a actor/fan level.

*Meet Carrie Underwood and/or Adele. If possible sing a few words from one of their songs together. That would be a dream. They are both so outrageously talented and beautiful both inside and out!!

--SIDEBAR-- I know this list is extensive, but hey, that's what a bucket list is right? A list of hopes and dreams that will likely never come to fruition, but wishful thinking. Back to the list...

*Be a guest or the guest bartender on WWHL with Andy Cohen! I'm not cool enough to be a regular guest... Boo 😢 But I digress...

*Be a guest on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and have an epic lip-sync battle! Honestly, I don't even have to be on the show(even though I'm a world class lip-sync-er), I'd be honored just to be in the audience and maybe he would catch a glimpse of me in the audience. I know that sounds super stalkeresques(maybe even a bit creepy), but it is only because I truly admire his talent!

*Meet my absolute favorite band, since I was 14, Fall Out Boy and if possible have them serenade me with my favorite song... "Donnie, what a catch" - If I got the chance to hug Patrick Stump I could die a happy girl! I would want to hug them all of course, but through articles and interviews I've read regarding the band, I feel the same way he does about many different topics. I also adore his voice! His vocals are phenomenal and the melodies just make me melt.
*Have FOB design/customize a personalized, somewhat feminine tattoo that incorporates all of the band member's signatures and/or signature symbol for me to have permanently imprinted on my body.

*Appear as an extra in a Justin Timberlake, Meghan Trainor, Carrie Underwood, or Kenny Chesney music video. I would love to make a cameo is. Justin Timberlake movie, as well!!

*Land a voice-over gig for a movie or TV show.

*Finish tattooing my arms into full sleeves.

*Become a published author/well-known blogger.

*Receive a giant hug from Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson. He just looks so huggable. He also has the most stunning smile!
*Paying off any/all debt my family has accrued because of my medical bills and the many other expenses they continually have to help out with just to keep me on my feet since I am unable to work. The fact that they have to financially support their 30 year old daughter and miss out on thing they want to do because of their sickly daughter makes me cry multiple times a day. I want to give them their lives back, their freedom, their happiness.

*Give my parents, my sister, brother-in-law and my husband the vacation of a lifetime!

*Reenact some of my favorite SNL skits with past and present cast members. Playing Colette Reardon's crazy pill-popping friend along side Cheri Oteri would PHENOMENAL!(On account of my on-going illness and the pill popping routine I've come a custom to).

*Skate on the ice at Rockefeller Center and see the tree lit up in all its Chtistmas glory!

*Take a trip through the Caribbean islands on a gorgeous yacht with friends and family.

*Start a charity foundation/Non-profit that brings different weekly activities to long-term hospital patients, both young and old.
*Provide my family and friend with at least a sliver of the joy and support they shown me over my entire life. Being able to give them back ten times the love and generosity they have shown to me over my lifetime would be a true blessing.
*Open a store/business that all of my family could work at. We could all take a step back from the daily grind of working for "the man" and take time to enjoy life while maintaing a successful business. At the same time giving hired employees equal perks and respect for a job well done.
*Grant the wishes of as many people as I can. Everyone deserves to experience at least one dream come true within their lifetime, not matter how big or small.

*Lastly, I want to pass away with dignity, having lived my "best life", and with those closet to me being proud of me. Without each and every one of you I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you doesn't begin to express my love and appreciation.

I would love to anonymously pick up the tab for another family as well as my own each time I go out to dinner. Seeing the the smiles on their faces are priceless.

It is a shame that so many of us are unable to check off most(if any) items off of our bucket lists because of the many stresses that life presents us with daily.  Life, all too often becomes routine and mundane.  Cancer frequently prevents me from being as spontaneous as I would like to be.  To be honest, it often hinders plans I make months in advance.  Cancer has altered my life in a plethora of ways.  When I get the chance and my health is cooperative, I see glimpses of pre-cancer Meg.  She is still inside me.  Unfortunately, she is being squashed by a bunch of tumors, scar tissues, and an abundance of other abnormalities.  

My bucket list provides me with the motivation I need when all I want to do is "throw in the towel".  Giving into my illness is not an option.  I have too much left to accomplish.  I hope that I will have the opportunity to one day complete my bucket list.  What is on your bucket list?

Still I wonder, Do dreams ever really come true?

Benny & Linda

My cancer and tumors have been known to wreak havoc on most of my bones, muscles, joints and nerves.  It is not a glamorous lifestyle to lead.  Well, not so glamorous to most, but I rock the cancer patient look.....obviously! :). Okay, okay, that is wishful thinking.  I don't rock the sickly look anymore than the other patients.  I am likely one of the biggest hot messes there. Ha!  After dealing with cancer for this long, style, fashion and makeup are delegated to the back burner.  Hopefully, one day, they will make it back into the rotation.  As of now, the only style choices I make is in regard to covering up.  I decide which hat, or head wrap I want to were.  After choosing the appropriate headwear, I match a cardigan sweater/zip-up sweatshirt (it's always cold in the hospital) to the chosen headgear.  Lastly, I match my unders to form a complete ensemble.  It is a must to have clean and cute under-roos on just, in case, my bum decides to poke out from behind the gown.  Especially when the doctors and nurses tell me to keep the gown untied because that makes it easier for them when they are performing procedures and exams.  Are you kidding me?  I cannot and will not keep my gown wide open for a doctor to come in just to poke and prod at me.  The doctors and the nurses don't go out of their way to make my time at the hospital easier, so I am sure to tie my gown every single time.  It takes two seconds for them to untie the ties. I think they can easily manage that.  I get frustrated when I am being told to do something because it's easier for the doctor.  Where is the concern for the patient?  We are the ones being tortured and they have the nerve to ask us accommodate them?!?  Sheesh!  Even if I went in for procedure and treatments stark naked, the doctors would find something to bitch about.  Your IV is in the wrong spot, your tattoos make it difficult to find veins for blood draws, oh, you recently fell and have a huge bruise, now your cold and shivering.  These are all things that have no control over.  Each patient is different and not typical.  With all the training the docs and nurses have, you'd think it would be easy for them to acclimate.  Instead the doctors have a tendency to put their utensils down and walk out of the exam room.  They only return if and when everything is up to their standards.  It's ridiculous!  I am doing everything I can to be 100% prepared for any and every day at the hospital.  One would think the doctors and nurses are there to aid in the wellbeing of their patients, but all too often that isn't the case, but, I digress.

There are so many challenges, stresses and frustrations I am faced with on a daily basis.  It's easy to forget about all of the other patients struggling inside and outside of the hospital.  We all take our lives for granted at one time, or another.  I know I have and I still do.  I have been fortunate to have full use of all my extremities.  Many people are not so lucky.  These people could have been born without function, or the ability to use them may have been taken away due to disease and/or injury.  These people fight everyday just to take a step, hold a piece of cutlery, and/or even speak.  There are an abundance of diseases and injuries that can strip us of the most menial tasks.

I recently had to go through some physical therapy to rehab my hip and ankle after taking a bad fall.  Shortly after I started my therapy, I found myself spending a lot of my extra time in the occupational therapy unit.  I had physical therapy four times a week to start and the sessions became less and less as I got stronger.  The funny thing was that I was still spending the same amount of time, maybe even more, in the OT unit.  No, I wasn't putting in over time towards my rehab, I was focusing on the therapy of a certain young man.  I saw this boy every time I was there for my therapy.  He sat quietly in his wheelchair, doing his exercises while his mom and therapist gave him instructions.  He was very attentive always looked eager to try a new exercise.  I watched him get a little bit stronger each day.  One day the boy's mother approached me.  She lightly tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could have a moment of my time.  I was pleased to speak with her.  I had been admiring her dedication and the love she has for her son.  She took me to the side and thanked me.  I was caught off guard.  Why was she thanking me?  I was clueless, so I asked her why she was thanking me.  She explained that her son has multiple sclerosis and is autistic.  My heart broke as those words came out of her mouth.  She was visibly shaken and holding back the tears as she went into more detail about her son.  I consoled her the best I could and listened to her courageous words.  

His name is Benny.  He was diagnosed with MS shortly after he was born and was diagnosed autistic at age six.  He recently turned fifteen, and has been mute his entire life.  He communicates through his computer, or using sign language.  Therapy had always been a struggle for Benny.  He never put much effort into the exercises.  He would often fight with his mom about going to therapy.  He had no drive or motivation.  Benny's mother told me that all changed the day I started my therapy.  She told me that I was the bright ray of light that was needed to cut through the darkness.  Linda(Benny's mom) illustrated my first day at therapy according to her.  She said I walked through the doors with a huge smile on my face, took two steps and then nailed my knee on one of the exercise machines(sounds about right).  Instead of getting angry or upset, she said that I burst into laughter and made fun of myself.  After such an abrupt and noticeable entrance I introduced myself to everyone as Meg.  I added that they could call me klutz, crash, crazy, etc.... I'll answer to most anything! Ha!  Linda saw a smile on Benny's face for the first time in a long time.  She also saw that he put a little mor effort into his session that day.  As, the time passed I chatted with all the patients and therapists.  I found myself staying after my therapy was done to uplift and encourage other patients as they rehabilitated their injuries and bodies.  Friendships began to bloom with many of the patients, but none like me and Benny.  I would bring in different music for us to play while patients were doing their exercises and rehabbing.  I even started a little chair dance/shimmy for the "down" times.  Therapy had become a lot of fun and we all took serious interest into each other's rehab.  We were all cheerleaders for each other.  Physical therapy became more fun, a little silly and freeing instead of stale and boring.

I finished the therapy I needed for my injuries fairly quickly, but I didn't stop going to the OT unit.  These people had become my friends and I care for them all deeply.  I want to see them succeed.  I could also feel that Benny was going to have a breakthrough soon.  He was putting in so much effort, making strides for his healthcare and smiling through it all.  Watching him improve each day was thrilling!  He was taking charge of his life for the very first time!  It gives me goosebumps thinking about how far he has come and the progress he has made.  The most exhilarating part of all is that Benny, at age fifteen said his first words!

This morning I was saying my goodbyes for the day, gathering my things and putting the "normal" music back on before saying goodbye to Linda and Benny.  I got everything done I needed to before heading out for the day, so I walked over to Linda. We were chatting and looking at our calendars for next week while Benny was finishing up with his therapist.  A couple minutes later Benny was done. I leaned in, hugged Benny, and then I hugged Linda.  I looked over to Benny once more to tell him I would see him tomorrow.  As I was saying the words Benny put his hand up, as if to sign something to me, but he didn't sign anything.  He softly whispered May-Gan. My chin hit the floor. My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I looked over to Linda.  She had the same face on.  We were speechless.  We both knelt down beside Benny.  He spoke again.  May-gan. Thanks you. Thanks you May-gan.  I was floored and filled with emotions.  Then Benny turned his head to Linda.  He slowly sounded out Love you.  Love you mom.  We both lost it!  We hugged him, we hugged each other, hell, we even hugged the custodial worker whom had no idea what was going on.  We could not contain our elation!!  It was an amazingly memorable moment.  I'm so happy I was there to witness it.

No one knows if and when Benny will speak again, only Benny knows, but I will be by his side not matter what.  Not only did Benny speak for the first time today, he restored faith in so many of us.  He is living proof that miracles do happen.  They really do come true.  With hard work, faith, and hope in your heart good things do come to those who wait.

Humanity

If we don’t feel solely with our hearts, we don’t belong

If we don’t see as one, through rose-colored glasses, the world is wrong

Beyond the wars we fight, both internally and externally

Comes the hate and the insanity

We all have an individual personality 

We are all connected through humanity

We are the child with cancer who still wears a smile

We are the kid from the projects facing trial

We are the pregnant teen feeling lost and used

We are the elderly man at home being abused

We are the young couple tip-toeing through a marriage on the rocks

We are the homeless person living in a cardboard box

We are the cold and hungry, the sad and depressed

We are the lonely child whom never felt blessed

We are the woman whose life was filled with pain

We are the man standing alone in the pouring rain

We are the child who struggles day to day

We are the teenage girl who ran away

We are the soldier killed while fighting an unjust war

We are the young man who can dream no more

We are the inmate locked away for life

We are the elderly man whom has lost his wife

We could benefit from a life led by hope and love rather than cruelty and vanity

And have a sense of belonging to humanity.

We will never know what is going on with the rude waiter from dinner, the jack-wagon who cuts us off in traffic, the naughty kid that continually hits our heels with a cart at the grocery store, or the rude person talking extremely loud on their phone.  Yes, these acts are irritating, but we should all try to refrain from lashing back at these behaviors.  We all have so much going on in our lives, and we all have bad days.  Instead of continually being rude and unsympathetic, we should all try to uplift one another.  Each new day could use many more smiles, laughs, hugs, love and happiness.  There is plenty of pain, frustration, stress, fear, and uncertainty in the world.  Life is too short to be carrying around all that negativity.  It may not always be easy, but we must allow the small things to slide off of shoulders.  Acknowledge the negative issues, but embrace the positive.