Regrets

I continually get asked what kind of regrets I live with? What mistakes do I fixate on every single day? They seem to think I have a long list of enemies, and/or events in my life that cause me to lie awake a night dwelling upon how this happen and what I could have done in the perfect moment in time to have bettered the situation. In actuality, I don't sweat it. I live my life regret/free.

Saying I live regret-free is almost worse than fixating on certain consequences and dwelling on past event. Reliving those moments my be very a beneficial part of closure, acceptance, and/forgiveness. Those moments are can be very cathartic. All of those techniques can be extremely constructive during such complicated times. I advocate those feelings. I say "go, express yourself." Anyway you want, cry, dance, sing, laugh, act like a kid again if even for just one night. We all need to take a jump back from our everyday lives and make time to PLAY!! LAUGH!! And Most of ALL LOVE!!

I can honestly say that I live a regret-free life because I have been dealt a loosing hand one-to-many-times, and I'm still kickin'! I'm sure there are plenty more crappy hands that will come my way in this "gave of life", but I'll keep fighting through them.

I'm not completely devoid of feelings and hope. I have wishful thinking for the future. I, of course, wish that I could be around all of my family and friends as I am going through such an awful poking, prodding, surgeries, procedures, there to help me through the horrible side effects, etc.  I don't regret not getting diagnosed with cancer a thousand miles away from my closest family and friends. I was terrified. I needed more information and luckily at that time my boss had an awesome doctor to refer to me. That is how my cancer journey began. The most ironic part is that I would find the love of my live two weeks later. And he chose to stick around even though I gave him a no-haggle out clause. If that isn't love that I don't know want it.

Where do the regrets factor in? They seem like a useless expenditure of time and energy. I am already in a frail state. I still have cancer, but it hasn't beat me yet!! No regrets here. I'm not looking to add any regrets, especially when there is still a future ahead of me! I have the most amazing group of supporters constantly around me. My mom and my dad are my rock, my sister and her husband are un-freak-en-believable! My husband has been beyond incredible!! All my extended family, my hospital family, all my glorious friends spread all over the place... I can't thank you all enough!!!!

With all this gratitude, there is no room for regret. If there is something from my past I have not done yet, "I grab the bull be the horns, and just do it!" No more waiting for the perfect time. There will never be a "perfect time" to learn the ukulele, so there's no time like the present!! Jumping out of an airplane...why the heck not? I could die in the sky, or the cancer could kill me. I'm will to take that chance. Most of all, I find myself never wanted to end conversations. I know it doesn't sound glamorous, or exciting, but I just want to take everyone whom is important to me everywhere I go. That way I'm never alone.

This blog is also a reminder to never have regrets. The story, thoughts, and words are all mine. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many fantastic people. I have seen them at their best and and at there worst. Regardless, of what we look like on the outside, our souls run deep. Sometime no words need to be spoken. Then on the flip side, it is a glorious feeling to see a patient walk out of the hospital after months of treatments.

I like to say that there is "so much more beauty in the broken because our scars give us character, we dare to be different and everything is new to us again." We all change after being in the hospital for expended periods of time. Bonds are formed deeper, trust is a must, and everyone you meet becomes like family to you. Walking down the long corridors of the hospital you see so many different stories as you walk the hall. On the left a joyous family of three. The little girl is practically jumping out of her tights. Obviously, they got good news. Then you turn to the right and you see a mother sitting on a bench with a bag a personal belongings. She reaches in and pulls out a teddy bears. She begins to sobs alone on that bench. Two completely different outcomes just minutes from each other. A few moments pass. The mother stands up. She was watching the little girl dancing. She walks towards the family. She kneels down in front of the girl and offers her the bear. The little girl looks up at her parents. The whole family and the woman move to a nearby table. The young mother explained that her son didn't survive his surgery, but he would be proud to share his favorite bear with someone as out-going and fun as you! They all smiled through their tears and the little girl's parents said it was ok to take. They exchanged phone numbers so they could do bear "check-ins", they hugged, and then they went on with the rest of their days. As the mother of the deceased boy started walking my way, she was no longer crying. She was smiling. She got some closure she needed in the moment. It was a truly remarkable sight to see!

Whatever you are doing, do it with purpose, then you with have no reason to regret it.

Stamps on our lives

Some people come into our lives and quickly become "disposable".  Others enter our lives unexpectedly and leave a beautiful "stamp" behind.  These "stamps" become an important part of our future.  They represent the qualities and attributes of all the people in our lives that are admirable, as well as, respected. I am incredibly grateful to all of the amazing family members, friends, doctors, nurses, and acquaintances whom have "stamped" my life in so many enchanting ways.

If someone brings positivity into your life and shares their joy with you, take full advantage of it.  Even if they are only in your life for a short while, be happy for the impact they made on each day spent together.  Each person you meet you will forever carry a piece of them with you.  You have left a "stamp" on each other's lives.  The memories you share are always attainable, no matter how much time passes, the distance that may grow between you, and/or any silly disagreements that may test your relationship.  We can easily summon the happy experiences whenever we want to hear each other's voices/laughs, see each other's faces, and feel each other in our hearts.  We are only an introspection away.

Although life is confusing and relationships are challenging, even the bad times have silver linings.  There are so many struggles along life's journey, but there is always a hand to reach out to. It is impossible to predict who that person will be during the specific time in your life, but don't be afraid to expose your vulnerability.  Allow yourself to accept the help you need when you need it.  You never know how much it could help and influence someone else who may be struggling.  They just may need someone to come along and "stamp" their life and encourage them to fight the battle they are facing no matter how difficult the struggle may be.

Glimmers

Over the years,  I have been asked many times a series of questions time and time again; i.e. What inspires you?  Who inspires you?  How do you stay so positive?  How can you laugh and joke around so much while your body is going through such turmoil?  How can you go over to the children's hospital and have dance parties, make-over parties, arts/crafts afternoons and therapy sessions with their children's parents all while battling through your own cancer fight?  My answer is quite simple.

With all of the terror, crime, political agendas, stress, depression, illness and frustration surrounding us daily, how do we keep moving forward?  Why do we even bother getting out of bed in the morning? Horrific and tragic circumstances are occurring every day!  It's sad, frustrating, terrifying and maddening!  These appalling incidences are preventing people from going about their day-to-day lives.  I can't let cancer and the complications from my cancer completely derail my life.  Yes, it has drastically changed my life, but we all have to adjust to change, right?

What inspires me? What keeps me "rocking" through each day is what I have affectionately come to call the "glimmer" moments in life.  That one twinkle, or on particularly "sparkly" days those moments during the day that makes me laugh unexpectedly.  Not just a snicker.  I'm talking a serious belly laugh from deep down inside, or a smile that lights up and awakens your soul.  A wholehearted and heartwarming  smile, not just a smirk.  That brief period of time, that pumps life back into me and chips away at the "wall" that continually gets built up around me to protect myself from getting hurt over and over  again(life has punched me in the gut repeatedly).  That "glimmer" of hope, love, and a blissful future instead of the fear, anxiety and sadness that fills the majority days is what I live for.  That "glimmer" allows me to escape into a euphoric daydream surrounded by the beauty and majestic artistry that is present and ever changing.  Witnessing that angelic moment in time each day.  That "glimmer", as I like to call it, touches not only my heart, but my soul.  It is the necessary cleanse and the daily reboot I need to start each new day.  It is a constant reminder for a better tomorrow not only for me, but for us all.  The "glimmer" is something different for each one of us.  We all prioritize our lives differently.  The most important factor is that we all maintain that drive towards balance and inspiration, as well as, keeping an eye on the look out for the "glimmer" in each day.  As long as I see that there is still good in the world I know there is still happiness surrounding the ones I love.  In the grand scheme of it all that is first and foremost.  I will do anything and everything to take away any form of negativity from my loved ones.

I truly believe that life is about the "little things" and the "glimmers" life has to offer.  Those are the moments we remember forever.  Each time we think about them they will bring a smile to our faces, peace within ourselves, and kindness to share with those around us.  Next time you are having a stressful day, or just a bad day in general, try to see that glimmer of light ahead.  I promise that it is out there even during your darkest hours.