Today I Pledge

TODAY I PLEDGE.... .To see only good in others .To do something different .To forgive a past offense .To fill a need for someone .To laugh every chance I get .To forget yesterday's mistakes .To maintain a positive attitude .To practice listening to others .To share my thoughts with others .To spend sometime in solitude .To go an extra mile for another .To step outside my comfort zone .To change one thing about myself .To only speak words of affirmation .To take a backseat to someone else .To write down my innermost thoughts, so I never forget the feelings I've felt .I pledge to stay true to myself now and forever

Family

Happy father's day everyone! I hope you are all enjoying time with your fathers today whether it's in person, or in spirit. I can't be with my pappy today, but he knows how much I love him! Parents are such special, and important people. They are the ones who always have your back, and are your biggest supporters....NO MATTER WHAT! There aren't enough words to explain how incredible my family is! I am the luckiest girl in the world! It's important to respect and love your family so deeply every day of the year, not just on one degisnated day of the year. I know I thank my lucky stars everyday for my amazing family!!!

Family-Life after death

I'm not a very religious person.  I don't understand the whole concept of organized religion, but I do consider myself a spiritual person.  My family has had to deal with more deaths than we could have expected within in the past few years.  Death is always difficult to cope with, but I have grown to accept death as a process of life.  I think that is because I have been faced with my own death.  Obviously being diagnosed with cancer has made me think about my life ending earlier than I expected. My personal views are that when someone passes away their spirit always stays with you, and they watch over people who need them.  Out of the members of my family whom have passed, I continually feel my grandmother's(my mom's mom), and my aunt Sister Pat(my dad's) sister spirits around me.  I feel safe with them watching over me.  That may sound crazy to some of you, but I can feel their presence around me. A strange occurrence that recently happened to me confirms my spirituality. I had an appointment with one of my new doctors.  I had been having a rough morning regarding my health, and missing my family.  I went to my appointment as scheduled.  When the nurse called me back she could tell that I wasn't feeling well.  All I really wanted was a hug.  I needed that feeling of family around me.  I was sitting in the room waiting for the doctor when I heard a knock on the door.  The doc was coming in for my consult.  When he opened the door, I was in complete disbelief.  He was the spitting image of my grandpa(my dad's dad).  I was always very close with him.  He died when I was pretty young, but I still have vivid memories of him.  I felt a complete sense of calm come over me.  He made me feel more comfortable in an instant.  He reaffirmed that this move to Memphis was the right move for us.  My doctor even gave me a hug at the end of my appointment.  It felt just like a hug from my grandpa.  I know that my family members who have passed on sent him to me, so I would feel confident in this move. Whether living, or deceased there is always someone looking out for you.  I never thought of it that way before.  I always thought you had to look out for yourself, and reaching out to others made you weak.  I realize now that it's ok to ask for help, and in turn helping others get through their problems can impact your life in so many ways.

Just Keep Swimming

Normally when I make a move, or a big life change I tend to reflect and dwell on the past.  I worry myself until I’m nauseas because I'm so terrified about making the wrong decision.  This time is very different.  I not scared, or nervous about being in a new area with new doctors.  I am looking forward to taking advantage of the opportunities Memphis has to offer.  I’m also ready for the challenges that lie ahead of me.   It still makes me laugh at how many people ask me how I can be so happy and cheerful while going through all of these medical issues.  Am I supposed to live in a box?  Am I supposed to succumb to my cancer?  I refuse to do that!  I will keep fighting day-after-day with a smile on my face.  I am going to try and put as many smiles as I can on the faces of nurses, doctors, and fellow patients everyday.  The smiles and witty banter brings just as much joy to me as I hope it does to the others.   The “old Meg” used to take the small pleasures in life for granted.  Now I cherish those moments.  I love that my husband kisses me goodbye before he leaves for work each morning.  I love that I get to hug him everyday when he gets home.  I love talking on the phone, text messaging, and emailing my friends and family.  It puts a huge smile on my face to hear my mom laugh on the other end of the phone.  I love that I can ask my dad any question imaginable, and he’ll have an answer for me.  He's an extremely intellegent man but sometimes he might be feeding me complete bull, but I believe every word.  My parents really are my heros.  I also love that my sister and I can send each other random movie quotes via text, just to brighten each other’s day.  I have the most incredible, and supportive family, as well as, an amazing group of friends! I have made a promise to myself to live the rest of my life to the fullest.  I don’t know if this disease will cut my life short, or if I will beat this once and for all.  Either way, I am happy with the way I am living my life.  I am finally following my true passions.  My life has made a sharp turn off the path I thought I was traveling, but I’m enjoying the path I’m on the best I can.  This path has come with many difficulties, but it has also come with wonderful memories, and made some of my dreams come true.  There is no doubt that there will be many more challenges ahead.  I’m ready to face them head on because I know I have an amazing support system behind me.  I am going to steal a quote from Finding Nemo. It is very fitting for my lifestyle.  ”Just keep swimming, just keep swimming”.

Never give up

When things go wrong as they sometimes will; When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill; When the funds are low, and the debts are high And you want to smile, but have to sigh; When care is pressing you down a bit- Rest if you must, but do not quit. Success is failure turned inside out; The silver tint of the clouds of doubt; And you can never tell how close you are It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit- It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Ruth

This week has been a whirlwind, to say the least.  I have been going from doctor-to-doctor, and hospital-to-hospital.  It's been stressful because I am trying to organize my regular treatment plan, and get set up with all of my new doctors.  It's has been extremely overwhelming, but through it all there is always a bright spot. Yesterday I met a woman at treatment.  She was in the chemo chair next to mine.  After I got all plugged in, and started my treatment, she turned to me.  She introduced herself as Ruth, and asked me my name.  I told her my name is Megan, but most people call me Meg.  She told me that Meg was a lovely name.  We began talking to each other about our illnesses, treatment, and life in general.  As we were talking she kept referring to me as Anne.  I corrected her the first few times, but it didn't seem to stick.  Another patient that was in the room with us whispered to me that she had Alzheimer's disease.  It all clicked for me then.  I must remind her of this Anne from her past.  I just went on listening to her stories.  We laughed and cried together.  I think we covered each other's life stories within two hours.  It was the first "real" connection I've made with another patient since moving to Memphis.  It was nice, even though she thought I was Anne.  Seeing the smile on her face made it all worth it. Her treatment was over before mine, so she was getting unhooked from the machines, and getting ready to go home for the day.  She kept giving me a strange look while the nurses were getting her ready to leave.  Before she left she gave me a big hug, and said I'll see you soon Anne.  I went along with it and told her I couldn't wait to chat with her again soon. About ten minutes later she walked back into the treatment room.  She sat down next to me, and said " You're Meg right"?  I said "Yup I'm Meg".  She realized that she had been calling me Anne the whole time.  She apologized for calling me the wrong name.  She told me that I reminded her so much of her granddaughter that recently passed away.  She felt like she was talking to her granddaughter again.  Tears began rolling down her cheeks.  She thanked me for allowing her to access those memories again.  She hasn't been able to remember much about her lately, but I brought those feelings and thoughts back to her.  I began crying because of her story.  I was so touched that I could help her retrieve those memories.  That moment was so special for both of us. Since being diagnosised with cancer, I have learned so much about myself.  I see the world in a different light.  Everyone has a story, and I enjoy hearing them all.  I am a better, more well-rounded person because of the experiences I've gone through,and the people I have met.  I've always considered myself a good listener, but I know consider myself a great listener.  I don't just listen to a person talk.  I absorb what they are saying, and try to improve my quality of life from what their story taught me.

A New Beginning

The move from Phoenix to Memphis happened so fast! It seems as though it was all a blur. I'm happy to be settled into our new home. We have a lot of exploring left to do, and adjusting to do, but we are enjoying Tennessee so far. I only wish that Jeff wasn't rushed right into golf season here after coming off a busy golf season in AZ. Jeff is such a trooper, and adjusts easily to his surroundings. He fits right in at his new club. He's loving all of the responsibilities, and the fantastic people he is working with. I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy for us. Eventhough, I have only been in TN for a short time, it already feels like home. The people are so genuine, and polite. I fully understand the term "southern hospitality" now. The biggest thing I'm trying to get used to is being called "Miss Meg", or Ma'am. Coming from the rudest state in the United States, it's comforting to feel so welcomed by the city, my doctors, and the people Jeff works with. I have been evaluating my views on religion since moving to TN. We are right on the bible belt, so religion is very prominent. I don't consider myself a religious person, but I do believe I am a spiritual person. That spirituality has grow with this move. I have more faith and trust in people. I also feel, as though, there are many people looking out for me. I have lost some family and friends, with whom I ws very close with over the past few years. I believe they are watching over me, and have my best interest at heart, as well as, the family and friends I have around me at all times. The most recent experience with my spirituality is regarding a doctor's appointment I had yesterday. I am a firm believer in quality bed-side service and care, so I usually request a conference call with my doctors before metting them in person. I can get a sense of him, or her before my actual appointment. The appointment I had yesterday didn't allow for me to talk to the doctor before my appointment. I was extremely nervous and anxious. I didn't want to walk into an uncomfortable situation. To my surprise when the doctor walked in and he was the spitting imagage of my Grandpa(my dad's dad). I was very close to him as a child. I immediately felt comfortable with this man. To me, that proved that the family members who have gone before me are looking out for my best interest. They want me to stay calm and feel comfortable during this difficult time in my life. My family and friends who have passed away, as well as, all my family and friends still around me help get through everyday! I can't thank you all enough. No matter which road life leads us down, we must find a way to happiness.

How I love my life daily

It's not how much you accomplish in life
that really counts,
but how much you give to others.

It's not how high you build your dreams
that makes a difference,
but how high your faith can climb.

It's not how many goals you reach,
but how many lives you touch.

It's not who you know that matters,
but who you are inside and out.

Believe in the impossible,
hold tight to the incredible,
and live each day to its fullest potential.
You can make a difference
in your world.

You have the capability to change the lives of others
just by being there to listen, being a should to cry on,
or a hand to hold.

Love purely,
and that love will be given in return.

Tales from the hospital

It is absolutely amazing the things you see, hear and experience at the hospital. It varies from the Emergency Room to being admitted to the hospital. I have been to more ER's than I can count, and I have been admitted to quite a few hospitals as well.

I am blown away by the different types of doctors, nurses, and facilities that I have come across. I understand that both doctors and nurses have multiple patients with all different needs. Each institution, and staff run their programs in more ways than I can count. There are some hospitals that are run like a well-oiled machine. Every patient is treated in the same manner. At these facilities I tend to feel like just a number. The doctors and nurses get only the immediate information, and provide care in a timely manner. They don't want to know anything more than they feel is pertainante to the matter at hand. Time is of the essence in these types of hospitals. Needless to say, the bed-side manner at these hospitals is less than welcoming.

Then there is the complete opposite. There are hospitals where the doctors and nurses want to know every detail of the current situation, and any prior illnesses, or hospitalizations. This type of facility can be as equally stressful because you are constantly being questioned, and asked to remember all of your medical history on the spot. When you're in pain, or in any type of discomfort, it's difficult to remember dates of every illness you've ever had! Considering my medical history, it's close to impossible to remember all of my medical situations. On a lighter note, in general, the bed-side manner is much more pleasant.

I am being pretty general in theses situations, but from what I have gone through, these are the typical experiences that will be had from hospital-to-hospital.

The patients are a completely different story! There are so many different types of personalities that come through the hospital system. I have encountered elderly men yelling down the halls saying no one will let them go to the bathroom. I have seen a team of heavy-set, and very intimadating lesbians threatening to beat up everyone in the waiting room if they aren't the next patients called back. There have been patients sitting next to me in the waiting room chairs asking me to put their head on my shoulder because they are so tired. I have had patients yell at nurses because they were mad that I was going back before them. They said I didn't look as sick as they were. I have also had the completely opposite, where a complete stranger has scolded a nurse for not getting me back fast enough!

Once you make it past the initial triage area it's a "crap shoot" what is waiting behind those hospital doors. I have had nurses who were nothing but rude to me the entire time I was in their care. I have also had nurses that are so caring and check on you every free second they get. The thing that amazes me the most is the education level of nurses. Some nurses you can ask any question, whether it be medical related or not,and they can answer without any hesitation. Then there are the nurses that are dumber than a box of rocks. I feel like I know more than they know about healthcare, and I could take better care of myself. These types of nurses usually end up hurting me more than helping me, and I have the bruises and scars to prove it!

Since I have a been around so many nurses and doctors, I have learned when to take control of my healthcare, and speak up when I feel something is wrong. I also have learned when to trust my gut and completely rely on trusted doctors and nurses.

My current health situation doesn't allow Jeff and I to get out-and-about much, but it has not limited us to the amount of crazy things we see and experience! We have many laughs, and many tears each time we are at the hospital, or any other facilities where I have treatment.

Jeff and I have the most abnormal lifestyle, but these are the cards when have been dealt right now. We choose not to be bitter, and just enjoy the time we have together, even if it's sitting in a hospital room! I have learned that no matter where you are, if you are with the ones you love, there is no better place to be! Oh, I have also learned to never piss off the nurses...they are the ones with the drugs! Haha!

The Climb

Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember,
The hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart
Start upward
And climb 'til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is ever too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it,
And you have the faith to believe.
For faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill,
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in yourself and your will.
For faith is a mover of mountains,
There's nothing that you cannot do,
So, start out today with faith in your heart,
And climb 'til your dream comes true!

Lady in Red

Everyday I walk by a woman sitting in the waiting room wearing a red outfit. It never fails, everyday she is in red from head-to-toe. We are always polite to one another, and exchange a friendly hello. That's as far as it usually goes because it seems she is always finishing her treatment when I'm coming in to start mine.

The other day I had a an earlier treatment time because I had a different appointment later in the day. I was excited to have the chance to talk to her. When I got to the hospital I didn't see her. I was bummed becuse I thought I missed her. Luckily, she was just in a different area and she soon returned to the main oncology area.

We got to to chatting about anything, and everything. I heard all about her children and grandchildren. I told her about my family, and my wonderful friends. We became fast friends. I felt comfortable able enough to ask her why she only wears red. She told me that her husband had recently past, and he loved the color red. He always said she looked beautiful in red, so she was wearing red to honor him. She told me she bought all new clothes, so she could wear red everyday. She said she didn't care what anyone else thought about it. She was doing it because it's simething she wanted to do, and it made her feel like her husband was still with her everyday.

I was so touched by her story. She didn't care what other people thought of her behavior. She was doing what was best for her. She wore red to help cope with the loss of the one she loved the most. I told her she looked beautiful in her red get-up, and to keep sporting her red outfits. I know her hubby is looking down smiling everyday seeing her heart-warming tribute to her late husband.

She really made me thing about my life and what I have been wearing. Going through treatments, I have heightened sensitivities to taste, smell, and especially touch. I cannot handle the feeling of denim, silk, and many other types of fabric. I can pretty much only wear cotton. I feel like a slob 90% of the time because I am wearing a sweatshirt and cotton pants. The only time I look semi-pretty is when I can find a nice cotton dress.

After talking to Anita( the lady in red ). She mad me realize it doesn't matter what we wear. Our clothes do not define us. We don't have to explain our outfits to anyone. Clothing is just clothing. There are so many more important things in life

Alice

I have ment so many fantastic people throughout all of my hospital stays. I have been admitted to hospitals in five different states. I have come across many nurses and doctors. It's hard to make connections to them all because of the different shifts they may work, or they are simply overwhelmed with patients to spend much one-on-one time with each person.

The strongest connection I have made with any worker in the medical field has been here in Arizona. I'm not trying to be rude, but comparatively the nurses in Arizona have terrible bed-side manner than any other state. I feel like I am mostly just a number to the nurses out here. The woman has made an incredible impact on my life is the charge nurse on the oncology floor at Mayo Clinic.

She is an older woman who recently lost her husband. She has no children, so she calls me her adopt-a-granddaughter. The most ironic part is that her name is Alice. My grandmother on my mother's side was named Alice. She and I were extremely close. She passed away a few years ago. Her passing was and still is extremely difficult for me to deal with. I think of her all the time.

I don't believe in a lot of weird spiritual stuff. I consider myself a pretty practical person, but I believe that my Grandma Alice sent nurse Alice to me. I used to go to my Grandma for everything; happy, sad, worry, anything that was on my mind. She always had a way to make me feel better and view the situation in a different light. With my family being so far away I can now go to nurse Alice with anything that is on my mind. I love having a grandmother type relationship again. No one will ever take the place of my Grandma Alice, but I once again have that outlet to go to anytime I need to. She knows that I will always be there for her as well.

The thing that made me know for sure that my Grandma Alice sent nurse Alice to me was a situation that was all too familiar with my grams. I was standing at the nurses station one day talking to some of the girls when I ask if anyone had a mint. I felt like I had bad breath. From over in the corner I heard Alice say "I have some Certs in my purse". She asked if I wanted spearmint or cinnamon. I immediately had a flashback of my Grandma. She ALWAYS had cinnamon Certs in her purse and would always give them to us kids. I had the biggest smile on my face, and I said I would love a cinnamon Cert. I didn't even know they still made Certs. It was a clear sign to me that my Grams was watching over me.

I believe miracles happen everyday. They may be as small as bringing a wonderful memory to our mind, or they can be as monumental as finding cures for illnesses. As I go through all of this I am trying to recognize and appreciate the many different types of miracles we all come across each and every day.

The Special Two

I was in the doctor's office the other week...a regular occurrence for me. I was sitting in the waiting room with approximately eight other people. There was a mother there with her two children. One of her son's had a form of MS or Downs Syndrome. Clearly, they were at the doctor for an appointment regarding his health. He was a new patient, so the mother was filling out a lot of paperwork and discussing her son's condition with the nurse. He other son was a ball of energy, and was wanting to be anywhere else than a doctor's office. The mother was trying her best to be take care of both of her son's needs. At one point I heard her younger son ask why they kept saying his brother was "special". He asked her why he wasn't "special" too. The mother kind of shrugged of his question because she was overwhelmed by paperwork and nurses questions.

I had been watching this situation and felt for the younger boy. I know it's difficult to sit still while all the attention is being put on his brother. I decided to go over to the woman and her sons. I asked them there names. Their mother said the boy with health issues was Patrick and the younger boy was Drew. I could see in the mother's eyes how stressed she was. I wanted to do something to ease her stress level. I asked Drew if he wanted to come over to the table and color with me. He looked at his mom. She gave him the ok, so we went over to color.

Shortly after getting to the coloring area, the nurse called my name to go back. I asked if a few other patients could go ahead of me, so I could stay with Drew while Patrick and his mother had their appointment. She said that was fine, so Drew and I continued to color. We decided to draw pictures for each other. He colored a horse for me. I made him a a cheerful sunshine picture. We were finishing up our art as Patrick and his mother came back into the waiting room. It was time for us to exchange pictures. I wrote "To my Special Friend" on his. He was so excited to see that I wrote that on his picture. He ran up to his mom and said, "Mommy, Mommy! I'm special too". Drew had a huge smile on his face and he ran back to me and gave me a big hug!

As the family was leaving the mother came over to me and put her hand on my forearm. She thanked me five or six times for helping with Drew while Patrick had his doctor's appointment. I told her it was no trouble, and that we had a lot of fun. She told me I was a beautiful soul as she brushed a tear from her eye. I told her it was my pleasure, and I gave the boys hugs as the family left the office.

I carry the picture Drew made for me in my purse everyday. It reminds me me that we are all special in our own ways. Embrace who you are and don't be afraid to show the "true" you at all times!

Hands

When I'm feeling sad
Put your hand in mine
When I'm feeling scared
Put your hand in mine
When I'm feeling lost
Put your hand in mine
When I'm feeling alone
Put your hand in mine

When I'm feeling happy
Put your hand in mine
When I'm feeling excited
Put your hand in mine
When I am feeling silly
Put your hand in mine
When I don't know what I'm feeling
Put your hand in mine

As long as I feel your hand grasping mine
I know I can get through anything
When you put your hand in mine
My heart is filled with warmth

This is no better feeling than having your hand in mine

Birches

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

This is a clip from one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost. I find it to be very intriguing, and I usually read it once a week.

I used to be very afraid of death. I couldn't even think about it without panicking. My view on death has changed drastically. I am forced to deal with it everyday. There is a good chance that my cancer could kill me. I am also around many people with serious diseases. I have learned to accept dealth for what it is. Death is a part of life. I'd like to think when I leave this world it will be as peaceful as swinging from a birch tree. When my time comes I will not be sad, but be happy for all of the wonderful memories I get to take with me.

I think about the stupid little fights that I had with my sister when we were young. We can know look back at them and laugh. Back then I never thought my sister would be my best friend, and the one person who knows me inside and out. She is my rock. She keeps me positive. I can feel how genuine her words are every time we talk. She keeps me level-headed and gives me the motivation to beat this awful disease! Thank you Danielle. I love you so much!

The other major issues I have had to come to terms with is that my parents might out-live me. That's a hard pill to swallow( no pun intended). Growing up you assume that everything will go in a perfect sequence; you go through school, you get married, you have kids and so on. My life has taking a different path. I was fighting illnesses since my senior year of high school, and continue to fight them. I was fortunated enough to find an amazing man who was crazy enough to marry me. I don't know why he would want to be stuck with a mess like me, but he's always there for me. I adore him. That word doesn't even do him justice. There is no word good enough to explain how wonderful my husband is!

I have had a wonderful life up to this point. I want to continue on grow and learning, but I'm ok with the fact that my life might end shorter than than planned. I have so many memories with so many amazing people! Even if I'm no longer on this Earth, I hope those memories live on! I know they'll stay with me forever! I treat everyday as if it's my last. I going to enjoy life, and spend time with the ones I love the most! My parents are incredible, but I'm unbelievably fortunate to have friends who make surprise visits to see me and organize cancer benefits for me! What more could I ask for?

Life is a gift! I'm not going to take it for granted anymore!

Question

Lately I have been coming across many people in my life, young and old, who have left me feeling perplexed.

I have seven tattoos. Most of them are covered at all times. They range from quarter size to a full forearm tattoo. When people do see them they always say things like: "Wow, you have tattoos". I also hear that I look too young and innocent to have tattoos. I get so confused by these statements. Everyone of my tattoos have meaning and are in no way offensive. Tattoos are becoming more and more accepted these days that I find it strange that people still have such terrible views of body art. Tattoos are for every person, all shapes, sizes, young, old, color, ect. I say express yourself whichever way best suits you! I know I'll continue getting tattoos for years to come whether people like it or not.

The other statement I hear ALL of the time is; "You don't look like you have cancer". What does cancer look like? I don't understand why people think I would change so drastically after my diagnosis. I know that weight changes and hair loss are the main physical side effects of a cancer diagnosis, but not everyone goes through the same changes. My weight has fluctuated in many ways, the texture and the strength of my hair has changed, and I have heightened sensitivities to taste, touch and smell. I don't think I make any big cammotions when my sensitivities flair. I just move on from them. I'm still crazy, fun-loving Meg! I just get tuckered out faster than I used to. :)

These things have been on my mind a lot lately. I just don't understand why so many people view you differently after making a personal change, whether it's by choice, or not.

Am I the only one who feels this way? What are your thoughts on this topic? I choose the people I want in my life by things we have in common and the connections we make. Why is there so much so superficiality when true beauty is in the flaws and individuality of people.

Old Soul

Today I was reminiscing about the time I have spent in the hospital.  I made a crazy realization.  I have learned more about life from the people I have encountered than I ever learned at any type of school.  I come across such a wide range of people.  I hear amazing stories about from people's history, and I learn many things about our present era.  I have friends that vary in ages from 94 to 6 years.  Each one of them has taught me something new.  My elderly friends love to talk about "the good ole days", and my younger friends teach me so much about what's going on in the world today.  They also help me to live my life with a more carefree attitude, and with a childlike innocence. 

Unfortunately I didn't get to spend much time with my grandparents before they passed away.  I never knew my mom's dad, or my dad's mom.  My dad's dad passed away when I was a child.  I got to spend the most time with my mom's mom, but she left far this Earth far too soon.  I had incredible connections with the grandpa and grandma that I did know.  I always loved listening to their stories of when they were growing up.  It was a completely different lifestyle for them compared to how I grew up.  I learned so much about our country's history than I ever could have in school.

There are a group of men who often have treatments the same time that I do.  I am so excited to see them every time they are at the hospital.  They enjoy swapping war stories, and childhood memories.  They talk about those times with such passion.  It is a delight to listen to.  I could sit with them all day.  They reminisce about how different things were back then, and laugh about experiences they had during their youth, as well as, during their middle age.  I sit with them in awe of their stories and ask all kinds of questions about the past.  Chatting with them is so much fun, not to mention informative.

The comment I continually get from the elderly patients is that I have an "old soul".  They tell me about how their grandchildren could care less about hearing about their pasts.  They are too wrapped up in whatever they are doing, whether it is on their phones, or computers.  They don't take the time to listen to what they have to say.  I am completely different.  I don't even have my devices out when I'm spending time with my friends.  I want them to know that they have my full attention at all times.  Like I said, I enjoy listening to the stories so much that I don't want to be distracted. 

It's not only my fellow elderly patients that tell me I have an "old soul".  My former boss used to tell me that all of the time.  Many of my nurses and doctors tell me the same thing.  They often tell me that I look like a 16 year old girl, but when I start talking I turn into an 80 year old woman.  I can't help but laugh when I hear that.  First, I don't think I look I am 16 years old, and second, I don't realize that I sound so old.  I think it is a result of the strange life I have been living the past 10 years.  I haven't lived a normal life.  I am around more elderly people than younger people.  When I am around younger people, they are usually very young.  In that situation I take on a parent type roll.  I am rarely around people the same age as me.

I feel so fortunate to be able to spend so much time around such enlightening company.  I feel that it is easier from people of my generation to get wrapped up in technology and not enjoy the simple things in life.  We grew up in such a booming technology era.  Using these things come second nature to us.  I am glad that I can step away from it all for a while each day.  I love the connections I make with my friends and family each day.  I don't think I would appreciate the people in my life, or the day-to-day experiences I encounter if I always stayed "connected" to my technological devices.

I used to think it was weird how many people told me that I have an "old soul".  I now view it as the most wonderful compliment I could ever receive.  I wouldn't want to have any other type of soul!

Fight for yourself

I have learned a lot about my rights as a patient over the past ten years.  I remember when I first started having health issues.  I freaked out every time I had to go to the hospital, or doctor.  I hated everything having to do with my healthcare.  When I was around doctors I accepted all of the information they gave me without asking questions.  I always felt like I was bothering the doctors/nurses by asking questions, and learning more about my conditions.  Doctors always seemed so rushed, so I didn't want to take up more time than necessary.  I also had my parents around to ask all of the tough questions.  They would relay the information onto me.

I no longer take what doctors tell me at face value.  They tend to tell people the bare minimum.  That is not acceptable in my book.  I want to know every detail when it comes to what's going on inside of me.  I'm not satisfied until I feel comfortable with my diagnoses.  My parents are all the way in Wisconsin, so I can no longer bank on them asking the questions that I don't.  I have been forced to take charge of my healthcare.  Jeff obviously has to work, so he is unable to accompany me to all of my doctor's appointments.  I have to do the research and not be afraid of taking the time I need with doctors/nurses to fully understand my current situation.

After every diagnosis I take the time to do my research.  I have learned of many trusted websites, and I ask for print-outs of the description and side effects of my conditions.  Without my health I have nothing.  I want to know everything that I will be going through, as well as, what I can do to improve my situation. 

I know there are many people out there who are frustrated with their current healthcare, like I was.  The best advice I could give to anyone is to take control of their health.  No matter if it may be something as simple as a cold, or something as evasive as cancer.  Ask whatever questions you may have to doctors/nurses and pharmacists.  They went to school in order to help people stay healthy.  They are around to help make everyone person's healthcare as successful as possible.  Use the resources that are available to you.

I am, in no way, trying to sound like I am preaching to anyone.  You have the right to choose the way you handle your healthcare, and the way you live your lives.  All I know is that I wish I was more confident and more in control of my health from the start.  I'm so thankful I discovered my confidence before it was too late.  I will never stop asking questions in order to better my quality of life!

Change

I used to be terrified of change.  I was much more comfortable having a routine, and knowing how each day was going to go (for the most part).  I planned as much as my life I could.  I didn't mind surprises, but I preferred knowing what was going to happen day-to-day.  I know that we cannot plan our entire lives, but I tried my hardest to plan it all.

I now know that it was ridiculous trying to organize every detail in my life.  Life is full of surprises, and unplanned events.  They are what make life interesting.  The first time I truly embraced change was when I decided to move to Arizona.  I had no clue what I was getting myself into.  My fiance had just passed away, I had never seen the place I was going to live, and I had a job with a crazy schedule.  I could no long avoid change.  I was about to turn my life upside down.  I experienced many difficult times during my first year in Arizona, but I also learned a lot about myself, and life in general.

I moved 4 times in 10 months, I went through 3 jobs, and I found it very hard to make connections with new friends.  I was totally a "fish out of water".  There were many times I wanted to give up and move back to Wisconsin.  I had people I could rely on in Wisconsin, people I could depend on.  I was all alone in Arizona.  The only person I could rely on was myself.  I didn't think I was strong enough to get through the terrible times I was going through. 

After being forced to move for the fourth time and struggling with my finances I decided to go for a drive.  I thought it might clear my head.  As I was driving around I started to have a panic attack, and was crying so hard I had to park.  I drove into a Kohl's parking lot where I had a complete meltdown!  I was ready to go back to my apartment, clean out the place, and drive back home.  I was at my wits end.  As I was crying my eyes out in the parking lot the song "Fighter" by Christina Aguliera came on the radio.  I was inspired by the words in the song.  I knew I could not give up.  I needed to make the necessary changes to better my situation.

I wiped my eyes, and drove back to my apartment.  When I arrived home, I immediately got on my computer and started to look for places to live.  I found a posting from a girl looking for a roommate.  I emailed her, and two days later I was moving in.  The move was just what I needed!  Living with a girl around my age, and someone who was very familiar with the area helped my push through my tough time.  She was born and raised in Arizona, so she showed me a lot of cool areas, and provided me with a lot of information.  Her knowledge and positive energy motivated me to get back on my feet, and I started enjoying Arizona.  Within a week I landed a new job, and made some new friends.  I was really starting to like Arizona, as well as, feeling like I made the right decision to move.

I was feeling better in so many ways.  I had a wonderful job, a nice place to live and a group of new friends I hung out with regularly.  I even felt like was ready to start dating.  After a couple months I was introduced to Jeff.  I definitely hit the jackpot finding him.  We began seeing a lot of each other.  I knew pretty soon into our relationship that he was "the one".  I had never felt as loved as I did with Jeff.  He treated me better than any boyfriend ever had before.  I loved him like never I loved before. 

Within two months of dating Jeff I was hit was the shocking news that I had cancer.  I thought for sure Jeff would break up with me.  Our relationship was still new.  I would have understood if he wanted to leave me.  I knew I would be going through a lot regarding my health.  I didn't want to become a burden to him.  After finally starting to enjoy Arizona, I thought I would have to leave in order to have people around that I knew could help me through my cancer struggles.  I was shocked when Jeff told me he wanted to continue our relationship.  I was reassured that this guy was one of a kind.  I knew this was the man I was going to marry.

Here we are a year and a half into marriage, and I couldn't be happier.  My treatments, and my health in general make for a lot of uncertainty in my life.  I don't think I would be able to handle all of the sporadic events in my life if it wasn't for the struggles I went through during my first year in Arizona.  I try to take all of the changes in life with stride.  I now know that change can be very good, and it spices up life.

Not having a daily routine used to scare me, but I have become accustom to all of the ups and downs life throws at me.  In fact, going through life as a cancer patient has strengthened me in so many ways.  Not only am I embracing all of the changes in life, I have become much more introspective, as well as, retrospective.  I do not dwell on the past, but I try to learn from it.  I look back at the person I used to be, and the person I am today.  I have changed in so many ways.  I feel that I have grown up in many ways since moving to Arizona.

Along with sticking to a routine I set for my life, I was a very selfish person.  I put myself first, and didn't appreciate the people around me as much as I do now.  I have realized that life doesn't need to be planned every step of the way.  The unknown isn't as scary as it used to be.  I am living for the moment, not organizing my life for the future.  I enjoy all of the little surprises life throws my way.  I believe that with every bad comes a good.  I am determined to continue living by that mantra.

I don't regret my past, but I have learned so much from person I used to be to the person I am today.  I also know what kind of person I want to be in the future.  Even though I am struggling with cancer treatments, and my life is full of craziness, I love it!  I have been given the opportunity to slow down, and truly appreciate life.  Jeff and I live a simple life, but it is filled with so much love and happiness!  I have gotten the chance to know myself as an adult.  The core of the person I am hasn't changed, but I feel I am a completely different person today than before.  It amazes me when I think back at how the experiences in my life have made me into a new Meg.  I feel stronger than ever before.

I think it is hard for many of us to stop and enjoy the little things in life.  Life is hectic, and full of change.  I hope we can all learn to slow down in order to love with all our hearts, live life to the fullest, and make ourselves into the best person we can be.  I know I'm going to try and be the best Meg I can be!

Blessing in disguise

It sounds so strange to say this, but I feel lucky to have been diagnosed with cancer.  Crazy right?!?  Don't get me wrong, I wish I didn't have to go through all of the struggles that come with a cancer diagnosis.  I also wish I wasn't such a burden on my family and friends.  My diagnosis has opened my eyes to so many things, and has made me appreciate the little things in life.

I am unable to work because of my strenuous treatments, and the unpredictability of my health.  In turn, Jeff and I only have one income to live off of.  His paycheck goes to bills and necessities.  We have also had to reach out to family and friends for financial help.  Our families are so generous and so many people donated to my cancer benefit.  I am forever grateful for all of the amazing friends and family, as well as, the people I don't even know that participated in the benefit.  The outcome was unbelievable and incredibly helpful.  I cannot thank everyone enough!

Being on such a tight budget has been a struggle, but it has opened up a whole new world to me.  I used to go out all the time, and spend money frivolously.  That is no longer an option.  I have had to learn an entirely new lifestyle.  I am not complaining.  I am fortunate for all of the things I have, and I try to no longer take anything for granted.  With any extra money we do have, Jeff and I spend it on things like music and movies.  I enjoy downloading different types of music and watching movies from all genres.  I have really enjoyed exploring classic music, such as artists like Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Louis Armstrong.  I also have fun with the music from 80's hairbands.  I totally rock out while I'm in the shower, or while I'm cleaning our apartment.  Along with divulging into new music, I enjoy watching old movies and foreign films.  I really appreciate the artistry behind them, and learn so much from them.

The activity I have love the most is plunging into writing.  I have always had a passion for writing, but never had the confidence to let anyone read anything I've written.  I no longer worry about the criticism I may get.  I am doing this for me.  It is very therapeutic, and I'm having fun learn new types of writing.  I also feel it is the best way for me to express myself.  Most of the time I am a very out-going person, but I can get very shy at times.

Along with making the most of my time alone, I am surrounding myself with good company.  I love having good conversations.  I can talk to some people for hours.  Whether it's hours or minutes, I fully embrace the time I share with the people in my life.  Life is too short not too.  There is nothing I enjoy more than being with friends and family.  My husband and I make sure take time every night just to talk.  We talk about anything and everything.  We turn off any distractions, and just enjoy being together.  Some nights we talk into the early hours of the morning.  I always feel bad when Jeff doesn't get much sleep, but I wouldn't trade our conversations for anything.  These conversations make our relationship and marriage stronger.  We are so disgustingly in love, but I wouldn't want it any other way!  He makes me so happy!  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have found such an amazing man!

When I first got my diagnosis, I felt like I was being punished.  I felt like I was cursed to have health problems for the rest of my life.  I know that I will have health struggles as long as I live, but I no longer consider my life to be cursed.  As my good buddy Jake always says, "it takes too much energy to be negative all the time".  I completely agree.  I have to stay positive if I want to get through all of this.  I want to always appreciate the wonderful things I have in my life.  I try to always have a smile on my face, but I also let myself cry and be angry when I need to.  I allow myself to feel every emotion that comes to me, but I don't allow myself to dwell on them.  I have learned to work through all of my emotions, and reach out to people when I need help with the difficulties life throws at me.

I wish I didn't have to live with cancer, but I am no longer letting cancer define me.  I feel that I am stronger than my cancer.  I can beat this.  Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I don't have days that I doubt that I can win this battle.  I can promise that I will continue to stay as positive as possible through all of this.

My life may not be glamorous, or that exciting, but I am so happy for the life I am living!  I have an amazing support system rooting for me every day.  I also feel like I am in the best emotional state I have ever been in.  I live each day as if it was my last.  Living with cancer the past 3 years has truly been a blessing in disguise.

Leaving lasting impressions

I have been having many difficulties lately regarding my health.  I recently found out that my cancer has spread, and I have had many troubles healing from common illnesses.  Because of this, I have been spent a lot of time admitted to the hospital.  I hate being admitted.  No one likes being in the hospital.  I'm pretty used to it, so spending time there doesn't bother me.  The thing that bothers me the most is that I can't visit my "kids", and other friends at the treatment center.

I keep in touch with everyone at the treatment center through phone calls and text messages, but of course it isn't the same as being there in person.  I miss seeing the smiles on the faces of the children, hugging my friends, and catching up with the nurses.  It's also difficult on my husband and our puppies.  The boys have to stay in their cages all day, and Jeff stays up way to late spending time with me at the hospital after work.  I feel like I'm inconveniencing everyone when I am admitted to the hospital.

After one of my recent admissions to the hospital, I went to visit the kids at the cancer center.  I was getting caught up with one of the nurses.  She was telling me that one of the little boys (Danny) had been having terrible nightmares.  They were so bad that he had to sleep in a different room because he was disturbing the other children's sleep.  I felt awful for him.  The nurse went on to tell me that he would wake up so frightened that he was terrified to go back to sleep.  I knew I had to do something to help.  I couldn't let him continue this pattern of disturbing nights.

I thought about what things comfort me.  I know when I'm scared, or anxious talking to someone helps me calm down.  Their voice distracts me from my fears.  I knew exactly what to do for Danny.  I went to Hallmark and bought a recordable book.  I recorded my voice reading the book and a little message at the end of the story.  The next day I took the book to Danny.  I told him if he was scared, or alone he could open this book and know I was with him.  That day I got admitted to the hospital once again.  The next morning I got a phone call from Danny's mom.  She was crying.  I was horrified to hear what she had to say.  I thought something happened to Danny.  To my surprise, she told me that the book worked wonders for Danny.  She said that he had a terrible nightmare, but the book helped him calm down and get back to sleep.  He was doing so much better at night that he was allowed to sleep in the room with the other kids again.  I was so happy to hear he had help for his nightmares.

I was going through a difficult time with my health for about a month after giving the book to Danny.  I was in the hospital for a while and then quarantined.  I was unable to go visit my "kids" at the treatment hospital.  I was missing them so much.  I got another phone call from Danny's mom a few days into my quarantine.  Again, I was nervous about what she had to say.  It turned out to be a wonderful call.  She was at the cancer center with the kids.  They had all been missing me, so Danny played the book for all of them.  After listening to the book they asked to call me.  I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I was so touched by how loving the children were and are everyday.  The call brought tears to my eyes, and brightened up such a difficult time in my healthcare.

That phone call made me realize the lasting impressions people leave on each other.  Even when we can't be together with the ones we love, we are always on their minds, and in their hearts.  The power of love is so strong.  I have felt it stronger than ever in the past couple years.  It's so important to love deeply and give love whole-heartedly.  It is the most amazing feeling!

Life after Death

As many of you already know, Sarah recently passed away.  Her death was sudden and unexpected.  I have been having a very difficult time dealing with this loss.  I had such an incredible connection with her.  She was the most amazing little girl.  I honestly felt as though she was my own daughter.  I'm so grateful to have had the time I spent with her.  She taught me so much about life and love.  I will carry the memories of her with me for the rest of my life. 

I never knew one person could have such an impact on my life.  She has changed the way I view life, and the connections I have with everyone in my life.  I have always had immense respect and love for my family and friends, but that love and respect goes much deeper than ever before.  I cherish every moment I spend with the people in my life.  I also recognize the different, and wonderful qualities that my friends and family posess.  I learn so much about the people in my life day-after-day.  I want to get to know everyone in ways that I have never known them before because I never know when I won't have the chance again.  I am not trying to be morbid, or live like everyone in my life is dying.  I just want live my life to the fullest.  Knowing and spending time with the people around me is one of the most special things, that I feel, life has to offer.

I have also embraced getting to know new friends.  I consider every person I meet a friend.  I try to take the time everyday to smile at everyone I pass, and appreciate people I have just met, as well as, people who have been in my life for years.  Keeping these connections bring so much joy and happiness to my life.  Sending and receiving emails, texts, phone calls, etc, fill my heart with so much warmth and love.

Sarah's passing has changed my life in so many ways.  I realized I was taking so many amazing aspects of life for granted.  It's interesting how different experiences in life can make you look at the day-to-day routine in a completely new way.  We all have to hug the ones we love, and take the time to enjoy life.  It's incredible how in the blink of an eye so much time can fly by.  I am devoted to slowing down, and exploring all the wonderful things in life!