The life of a 20-something cancer patient: I'll Be Seeing You

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: I'll Be Seeing You: We all go through life dodging curveballs, and searching for happiness.  As I age, it becomes more and more challenging to bounce back after...

I'll Be Seeing You

We all go through life dodging curveballs, and searching for happiness.  As I age, it becomes more and more challenging to bounce back after a fall.  Not only the physical aspect, but the emotional fatigue that consumes me.  The fear, anxiety, guilt, and sorrow beat me down so viciously sometimes, that I no longer know which way is up.  I truly believe that taking chances, and forging ahead on the path unknown, brings great reward.  Doing what is right for me and my family is the most important decision I could ever make.  Moving on, and turning the page in my "Book of Life" will hopefully lead me to my "Happily Ever After".  That is the ultimate goal in life, right?

Living with cancer, and spending most days with other seriously ill patients, I have grown somewhat accustomed to death.  That sounds incredibly morbid.  Unfortunately, it's the truth.  I am in NO WAY saying that I am used to watching people die.  Death is unpredictable, and a horrible experience.  It doesn't matter if I am extremely close to the person, or barely know them.  When a person passes away, the news is always unsettling.  Another casualty of spending so much time in a hospital is saying goodbye.

Saying farewell to a fellow patient and their family is always difficult.  It is a mix of so many emotions. If the patient is leaving because their condition has improved, the whirlwind of emotions are all over the map.  Feelings ranging from elation to sadness run wild.  It is always wonderful to hear that a friend's health is improving, but it is also hard to say goodbye.  Suddenly a person who has become a staple in your life is no longer there.  Not seeing them everyday creates a missing piece in your life.  All the modern conveniences of today allow us to stay connected, but it is inevitable that there will be a strain on the relationship.  On the other hand, if the cause for farewell is due to death, saying goodbye becomes much more permanent.  The emotional flood that comes with a person's passing is unpredictable, and quite often unbearable. 

It is no secret that Jeff and I have moved around a lot in the past few years.  We are logical and methodical when it comes to uprooting our lives.  Each move has been for the betterment of both of our lives.  Job opportunities, healthcare advancements, and an improved quality of life has always been at the forefront of every move.  It is no different in regards to our upcoming move to New York.  The chance at a fresh start, and a better life is leading us to the east coast.  We are thrilled to begin this new chapter, but that does not make saying goodbye any easier.

Today was the beginning of the end in my Memphis journey.  Learning from my Phoenix departure, I knew that the children are the most stubborn when it comes to change.  I wish I would have given the kids at Mayo in Scottsdale more time to adjust to me leaving before moving away.  This past Sunday, I visited the group of children and parents that I have grown particularly close to.  I explained to the kids that I would soon be leaving Memphis to get the healthcare I need in New York.  They, of course, understand the importance of getting the best healthcare for my condition.  Most of them have traveled from their homes to receive care in Tennessee.  The children and I both took the conversation very seriously.  We both understand that this move is imperative to my well-being, but none of us want to say goodbye.  I know that we will always be in each other's hearts, but sometimes we need something a bit more tangible to hold on to.  

The children have a community iPod and speaker dock in their room.  I downloaded a special song to the iPod for the kids.  After I spoke to the children and parents about my leaving, and they voiced their questions and concerns, I told them I had something I wanted to share with them.  I cued up the iPod, and played the song I had uploaded for them.  Most of the music on their iPod is trendy, and recent.  I wanted to expose them to a song with some depth and meaning.  I told them that whenever they missed me, they could play this song, and they would know I was still right there with them.  I told them that I would do the same when I missed them...which will be everyday.  I hugged them all, and let them know that I would be back to visit them soon.  I pressed play as I walked out of the room.  I heard "I'll Be Seeing You" by Billie Holiday play as I walked down the hall.

I went to see the kids today before I had my treatment.  They were all in great spirits this morning.  We chatted about our weekends, and caught up on all the gossip.  I brought in some make up and nail polish for the girls.  We gave each other makeovers, and mock manicures.  I brought in some scrap fabric for the boys.  We made superhero outfits out of the various pieces.  It was so much fun!  All too soon the time came for me to head downstairs for my treatments.  The kids were still laughing and playing when I left the room.  Two steps into the hallway, I heard a faint melody.  Soon after I heard Billie Holiday softly sing, "I'll be seeing you. In all the old familiar places"...  I was stopped in my tracks.  My heart melted.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  I stood outside the doorway while the song played.  I began to hear little voices sing along with the tune.  I was a ball of emotion, crying my eyes out.  Then suddenly a smile came to my face as I heard the children singing with Billie.  I was overwhelmed by the love we share.

Goodbye never get easier, but the memories stay with us forever.  I will be able to relive that moment for the rest of my life, and for that I am truly fortunate.  I'll be seeing you Memphis.

Fitting In

I have been trying to "fit in" my entire life.  To be honest, I will deny it to anyone who asks.  If anyone inquires about clicks I have been in, or the types of people I flock to, I will always answer the same way.  "I am an independent individual."  Or, my personal favorite.  "I am a free-spirit".  These statements are partially true.  I wouldn't classify myself as any particular type of person.  I get along with almost everyone.  I love to chat with a variety of people.  I can talk to anyone for hours.  It doesn't matter their age, race, or social status.  Even though I no longer actively search to be a part of the "in-crowd", I continue to seek acceptance in social settings.  I never want to feel like a "loser", or "outcast".  I became all too familiar with that feeling in my younger years.  That pain, and sadness is something I will carry in my heart for years to come.  It is an emotional scar, but it will never define who I have, or will become.

We have all experienced rejection from friends, family, and/or complete strangers.  I am lucky that for every person who rejected me, I have had a wonderful friend/family member who has love me exponentially more.  As I age, I learn much more about myself, and those around me.  In the past I thought I needed to change who I was to better "fit in".  I was willing to alter my personality, and my interests to be popular.  I wouldn't dare change who I am these days.  I am satisfied with the person I have become.  Of course, there is always room for improvement.  Instead of letting my surroundings dictate the person I am, I incorporate new and different traits to enhance my personality.  

The lesson that has made the biggest impact in my life is excepting, and appreciating change.  It's no secret that I have moved around a lot in my lifetime.  It started in college.  Since age 18 I have lived in in seven different states.  I have visited many more.  In each state, I have grown and evolved as an individual.  I have discovered the person I want to be.  I have explored my passions.  I have also opened myself up to wealth of knowledge, and experiences.  Each state helped mold my ever-changing lifestyle.  

I no longer strive to "fit in".  Popularity really is not what it's cracked up to be.  I prefer finding people and places that "fit" into my life.  Happiness comes from within, and being surrounded by everything I love makes me happy.