Your 31st birthday is steadily approaching and your future remains to be a series of uncertainties. The best way to explain it, and/or label it a "possible future of undeniable chaos". There are no plans for the future. Your future is purely dictated by your health. You have had to forfeit all control to your cancer. It's offical, the white flag has been flown. You have surrendered. You have given every ounce of yourself to dreadful disease. You have bled, cried, suffered, pleaded, prayed, and turned to every source of comfort possible. None seem to lead to resolution. They only lead to anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, desperation, and difficulties for family and friends. The family and friends whom haven't written me off years ago. Living with a serious illness causoes a natural rift between those closets to you, as well as, acquaintances, and strangers alike.
When a milestone, such as a birthday, rolls around. It is inevitable that you will reevaluate the past year. Remember all of the hopes and dreams you had? All the big plans you had for your for that year/for the future. Then you remember you spent most of the last year in a hospital bed, or trapped inside your house. Going out is to dangerous for my extremely immunity. There isn't a lot to be done from a hospital bed, or laid up on the couch at home. Even the opportunity to have children has been taken away from me. What's left for me? More pain and suffering? What is worth celebrating anymore? I am always ready to celebrate other people's accomplishments. They are worthy of celebration. Regrettably my minor achievements are few and far between, not to mention, pretty worthless far from reputable.
This whole note to myself experiment is turning out to be a major bore and quite the downer. I would be lying if I said I was happy all the time. I would be lying if I didn't say that I cry myself to sleep every night(that is if I get any sleep). I again would be lying if I said that I'm going to beat this cancer. I know longer know. It gets more painful, difficult, tiresome physically and completely financial draining. It's not just me. It affect my husband by putting strain on out relationship, it deeply affects my parents, sister, brother-in-law financial, it also have ending many of my friendships.
Worst of all I feel like I've lost the person I used to be. I miss the Meg that was lively, active, spontaneous, a little bit wild. How rowdy can you get when you're constantly hooked up to medical machines and IV's. But, I digress. I may not have the strength, or energy to function as a normal 30 year old girl, but I have had the chance to observe many family dynamics throughout during my years being a patient and volunteer at various hospitals. I see some patients that have a revolving door of visitors, but they never stay long. Most of the time they are just dropping something off and don't bother to take 10 minutes out of their day catch up with their loved one. I also see patients who only get visitors once a week, but they stay for hours to really catch up with their friend or family member. I try to fill in the "lonely times" when the children's parents have to work, when the sons and daughters have to work when the elderly are alone. I become a floater. I love bringing smiles to just migh need a smile, I enjoy bringing in puzzles for the elderly and other activities for the kids.
I feel so selfish this year being so away from my Upstate family. I happy to be putting my traditional treatments on hold for a little bit to focus on a faster growing and a bit more serious situation.
How do we know who to trust anymore. I get 20 different opinions from 20 different doctors. We have to be the masters of our own bodies and speak out about I really going on inside of you. Doctors are very intimidating, but by going I prepare it was allow both of you to put together a treatment plan.
There aren't any miricles happying in hospitals these days, but miracles do still happen.
This whole note to myself experiment is turning out to be a major bore and quite the downer. I would be lying if I said I was happy all the time. I would be lying if I didn't say that I cry myself to sleep every night(that is if I get any sleep). I again would be lying if I said that I'm going to beat this cancer. I know longer know. It gets more painful, difficult, tiresome physically and completely financial draining. It's not just me. It affect my husband by putting strain on out relationship, it deeply affects my parents, sister, brother-in-law financial, it also have ending many of my friendships.
Worst of all I feel like I've lost the person I used to be. I miss the Meg that was lively, active, spontaneous, a little bit wild. How rowdy can you get when you're constantly hooked up to medical machines and IV's. But, I digress. I may not have the strength, or energy to function as a normal 30 year old girl, but I have had the chance to observe many family dynamics throughout during my years being a patient and volunteer at various hospitals. I see some patients that have a revolving door of visitors, but they never stay long. Most of the time they are just dropping something off and don't bother to take 10 minutes out of their day catch up with their loved one. I also see patients who only get visitors once a week, but they stay for hours to really catch up with their friend or family member. I try to fill in the "lonely times" when the children's parents have to work, when the sons and daughters have to work when the elderly are alone. I become a floater. I love bringing smiles to just migh need a smile, I enjoy bringing in puzzles for the elderly and other activities for the kids.
I feel so selfish this year being so away from my Upstate family. I happy to be putting my traditional treatments on hold for a little bit to focus on a faster growing and a bit more serious situation.
How do we know who to trust anymore. I get 20 different opinions from 20 different doctors. We have to be the masters of our own bodies and speak out about I really going on inside of you. Doctors are very intimidating, but by going I prepare it was allow both of you to put together a treatment plan.
There aren't any miricles happying in hospitals these days, but miracles do still happen.
