Friday, October 31, 2014
The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Tricks and Treats
The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Tricks and Treats: Happy Halloween! I hope you all enjoy costume parties, taking family and/or friends trick-or-treating, and indulging in some Halloween good...
Tricks and Treats
Happy Halloween! I hope you all enjoy costume parties, taking family and/or friends trick-or-treating, and indulging in some Halloween goodies! I know I haven't been able to resist putting a bag, or four, of decadent sweets in my shopping cart! HA! I am grateful to be able to enjoy some yummy treats today because I have been dealt my fair share of tricks in the past few months.
I am terrible at tricking people. I always give myself away with a smile, or nervous energy. I'm much more suited for treating those around me. Unfortunately, I am extremely gullible to tricks, spooks and scares. I never see them coming. Recently, I was subject to the most gut wrenching ruse. I was completely unprepared for the nightmare I was embarking upon. My entire world was turned upside down without any warning.
About two months ago I went into the hospital for a fairly routine procedure. Little did I know that within the next 48 hours I would be told I was going to die. If hearing that news wasn't bad enough, being deceived by my doctors was the "icing on the cake".
Said procedure had been scheduled and re-scheduled multiple times. When the actual day came for the surgery, my husband was unable to be there due to work obligations. The hospital had given me such short notice that Jeff was inadequately staffed to take the day off. I wasn't concerned. Over the years I have gotten used to going through some procedures and/or surgeries on my own. As I mentioned earlier, this was a rather conventional operation. I had my medi-van transportation set up, and Jeff would care for me when he returned home. I felt that I had all my "ducks in a row". I would be in-and-out in a matter of a few hours. Needless to say, that is not how the plan played out. There were many unexpected complications that occurred while I was on the operating table. Since none of my family was at the hospital the doctors made all the decisions regarding my healthcare. They never even bothered to call my emergency contacts.
After a slue of obstacles, my heart stopping twice, and after almost bleeding to death, I slipped into a coma. I later found out that the doctors had put me into a medically induced coma. At this time, I was laying lifeless in a hospitals bed with a ventilator, heart monitors, IVs, and a number of other machines attached to me. I was expected to be in this coma for a month or two!! The most outrageous piece of information was that none of my emergency contact had yet been called! How ridiculous is that?!?!?
A couple hours after being placed in a medical coma, to everyone's surprise, I woke up. It was a shock to everyone, especially me! I had tubes down my throat, wires hooked up to every inch of my body, and monitors blaring. Three nurses ran into my room. I was hysterical. I had no clue as to what happened, and I didn't recognized anyone around me. The nurses were trying to calm me down and explain what was going on, but in my frenzied state all I heard was blurred noise. I had so many questions. I was terrified and I needed answers. I finally ended up pulling out my ventilator tube, tore off all my leads and wires, and ripped out my IV. I did not want anyone putting anything more into my body without me knowing what it was and what it was for. The nursing staff was in a panic. They called my doctor and tried to calm me down before he arrived. I was scared, anxious and furious! I waited for my doctor to get to my room, so I could get some answers. The nurses tended to my wounds as I warily awaited my doctors arrival. I saw the shock on his face when he strutted into my hospital room. He was obviously amazed to see me awake and sitting up. I immediately started badgering him with questions. He responded abruptly with one word answers and absolutely no compassion. His disposition was one more of anger than care and concern. Quite frankly his attitude disgusted me. I stood up and grabbed my clothes. I began changing when he told me if I leave I will bleed out and die. I looked up at him, stared straight into his eyes, and said "come again". He glared back at me, said "you heard me" and walked out of the room. I was floored by the "bomb" my doctor just dropped on me. I was completely appalled by his behavior. He never bother to explain to me what was going on inside my body. I had to be updated by one of the nurses. She told me as much as she knew. While they were in surgery they discovered that my blood was not clotting. I had to have two blood transfusions. If I went home I would likely bleed out. I was in a state of utter fear and apprehension. I had two choices. One, stay in the hospital and the doctors would put me back into a medically induced coma, or two, go home and die. Since the day I got diagnosed with cancer I said that I will not die alone in a hospital bed. I opted to go home. I was prepared to die. I could no longer run away from it.
My buddy Tony came to the hospital, picked me up, and took me home to my bed. He could sense that something wasn't right. He didn't press the issue. He calmly walked me to the van without asking any questions. He acted the same way he always did even though he could sense the gravity of the situation. He slowly helped me into the van. When I was securely seated, he jumped in the driver's chair. He turned back at me and said "let's ride doll face". I smiled softly in response to his kind words. He looked at me in the rearview mirror and smiled back at me. He winked at me and said "there's that sparkle I'm used to seeing". I reached over and took his hand in mine. I held firmly, yet gently and whispered "thank you". It was one of those moment that you just connect with a person. Your heads and your hearts are in the same place. Few words need to be said, but those words convey many emotions. He held my hand for the entire drive. It was the comfort I most certainly needed. As he parked in my driveway, he came around the van to help me out. He gave me a hug(which wasn't unusual), but that hug embodied much more than just a friendly hug. That hug communicated all of the the feelings we couldn't find the words to express.
Once I entered my house, I took my boys outside and then headed to bed. All three boys cuddled up with me as I laid there replaying the memories of my life. I turned my phone off, and drifted to sleep expecting not to wake up. I wasn't happy, but I also wasn't sad. I had come to peace with my impending death.
A few hours later my husband arrived home in a panic. He rushed into the bedroom. I was obviously not deceased. He had talked to my family. Everyone was unnerved and confused. I was expecting to not wake up after the threat my doctor gave me. Since I was still alive, I explained the best I could as to what all happened. We all cried, screamed, yelled, and ultimately broke down. I was at the weakest point I have ever been. My mom jumped in her car and drove to New York to help me figure all of this out. She knew her little girl needed her.
If the operation and the stressful situation after the surgery wasn't enough, I still needed to figure out what the next steps of my healthcare were. Did I need to plan my funeral, or was there a treatment option? I contacted my doctor and set up a meeting with him to discuss my future. I could feel his cold-as-ice attitude as he walked toward me. He was not ready to have calm and logical conversation. He had come to give me an ultimatum. He told me either you let me put you in a medically induced coma for a month, or possibly TWO! If I didn't agree to that he said that he considered me a quitter and no longer would be my oncologist. I was enamored by his harsh words and belittling behavior. I knew right then that he would no longer be my doctor.
Talk about terrified. I had recently been told that my blood is not clotting and I would bleed out without treatment, and I just lost my doctor. I felt stuck. The only thing I could think to do was reach out to my original oncologist from Arizona. He is semi-retired, but still consults on my healthcare. I knew I could turn to him. I contacted him as soon as possible and without hesitation he started working on a plan of action. He never missed a beat. This man found my cancers after many doctors failed to, he has treated/consulted my health for years, he is my bone marrow match, and now he is going to save me from this awful blood condition. He is truly my hero.
Once all of the doctors, treatments, and care plans were established, mom and I traveled back to Wisconsin with my first born fur baby in toe. I needed to have 24 hour care and maintain a strict routine to regiment my blood. The best place for me was at my parent's home, in my childhood town of Beaver Dam. I could get some treatment there and the rest in near by Madison. The one major downfall was that I had to leave my husband and my two other fur babies for an entire month! The internal struggle was torturous. I couldn't imagine being away from my hubby and two of my boys for so long, but we all knew it was best for my health. I traveled the almost 1000 miles back to Wisconsin. It was wonderful being with my parents and being able to see my sister and brother-in-law a couple times, but I missed my little family back in NY. I was uneasy about being so far from home. What if something happened and my health declined quickly? Would my husband make it to WI in time? All of those questions ran through my mind constantly. I just had to be hopeful that I was making the right decision.
Thankfully, everything worked out as planned. I got the treatments I needed and my blood is clotting again. I am back in NY and jumping back into chemo and radiation, so I can get my cancers back in check. I have found a new doctor that I connect very well with and trust immensely. I have restored faith in the hospital and cancer center. I also have renewed confidence in myself. My family continues to show me that they will go to the ends of the earth for me. I could not be more grateful and fortunate to all the amazing people in my life.
I have been handed far too many tricks lately. I'm hoping that after today I will receive many more treats than tricks. Either way, I now know I have to the strength to "weather the storm" and find my way back to optimism and determination.
Wishing you all few tricks and many treats!
I am terrible at tricking people. I always give myself away with a smile, or nervous energy. I'm much more suited for treating those around me. Unfortunately, I am extremely gullible to tricks, spooks and scares. I never see them coming. Recently, I was subject to the most gut wrenching ruse. I was completely unprepared for the nightmare I was embarking upon. My entire world was turned upside down without any warning.
About two months ago I went into the hospital for a fairly routine procedure. Little did I know that within the next 48 hours I would be told I was going to die. If hearing that news wasn't bad enough, being deceived by my doctors was the "icing on the cake".
Said procedure had been scheduled and re-scheduled multiple times. When the actual day came for the surgery, my husband was unable to be there due to work obligations. The hospital had given me such short notice that Jeff was inadequately staffed to take the day off. I wasn't concerned. Over the years I have gotten used to going through some procedures and/or surgeries on my own. As I mentioned earlier, this was a rather conventional operation. I had my medi-van transportation set up, and Jeff would care for me when he returned home. I felt that I had all my "ducks in a row". I would be in-and-out in a matter of a few hours. Needless to say, that is not how the plan played out. There were many unexpected complications that occurred while I was on the operating table. Since none of my family was at the hospital the doctors made all the decisions regarding my healthcare. They never even bothered to call my emergency contacts.
After a slue of obstacles, my heart stopping twice, and after almost bleeding to death, I slipped into a coma. I later found out that the doctors had put me into a medically induced coma. At this time, I was laying lifeless in a hospitals bed with a ventilator, heart monitors, IVs, and a number of other machines attached to me. I was expected to be in this coma for a month or two!! The most outrageous piece of information was that none of my emergency contact had yet been called! How ridiculous is that?!?!?
A couple hours after being placed in a medical coma, to everyone's surprise, I woke up. It was a shock to everyone, especially me! I had tubes down my throat, wires hooked up to every inch of my body, and monitors blaring. Three nurses ran into my room. I was hysterical. I had no clue as to what happened, and I didn't recognized anyone around me. The nurses were trying to calm me down and explain what was going on, but in my frenzied state all I heard was blurred noise. I had so many questions. I was terrified and I needed answers. I finally ended up pulling out my ventilator tube, tore off all my leads and wires, and ripped out my IV. I did not want anyone putting anything more into my body without me knowing what it was and what it was for. The nursing staff was in a panic. They called my doctor and tried to calm me down before he arrived. I was scared, anxious and furious! I waited for my doctor to get to my room, so I could get some answers. The nurses tended to my wounds as I warily awaited my doctors arrival. I saw the shock on his face when he strutted into my hospital room. He was obviously amazed to see me awake and sitting up. I immediately started badgering him with questions. He responded abruptly with one word answers and absolutely no compassion. His disposition was one more of anger than care and concern. Quite frankly his attitude disgusted me. I stood up and grabbed my clothes. I began changing when he told me if I leave I will bleed out and die. I looked up at him, stared straight into his eyes, and said "come again". He glared back at me, said "you heard me" and walked out of the room. I was floored by the "bomb" my doctor just dropped on me. I was completely appalled by his behavior. He never bother to explain to me what was going on inside my body. I had to be updated by one of the nurses. She told me as much as she knew. While they were in surgery they discovered that my blood was not clotting. I had to have two blood transfusions. If I went home I would likely bleed out. I was in a state of utter fear and apprehension. I had two choices. One, stay in the hospital and the doctors would put me back into a medically induced coma, or two, go home and die. Since the day I got diagnosed with cancer I said that I will not die alone in a hospital bed. I opted to go home. I was prepared to die. I could no longer run away from it.
My buddy Tony came to the hospital, picked me up, and took me home to my bed. He could sense that something wasn't right. He didn't press the issue. He calmly walked me to the van without asking any questions. He acted the same way he always did even though he could sense the gravity of the situation. He slowly helped me into the van. When I was securely seated, he jumped in the driver's chair. He turned back at me and said "let's ride doll face". I smiled softly in response to his kind words. He looked at me in the rearview mirror and smiled back at me. He winked at me and said "there's that sparkle I'm used to seeing". I reached over and took his hand in mine. I held firmly, yet gently and whispered "thank you". It was one of those moment that you just connect with a person. Your heads and your hearts are in the same place. Few words need to be said, but those words convey many emotions. He held my hand for the entire drive. It was the comfort I most certainly needed. As he parked in my driveway, he came around the van to help me out. He gave me a hug(which wasn't unusual), but that hug embodied much more than just a friendly hug. That hug communicated all of the the feelings we couldn't find the words to express.
Once I entered my house, I took my boys outside and then headed to bed. All three boys cuddled up with me as I laid there replaying the memories of my life. I turned my phone off, and drifted to sleep expecting not to wake up. I wasn't happy, but I also wasn't sad. I had come to peace with my impending death.
A few hours later my husband arrived home in a panic. He rushed into the bedroom. I was obviously not deceased. He had talked to my family. Everyone was unnerved and confused. I was expecting to not wake up after the threat my doctor gave me. Since I was still alive, I explained the best I could as to what all happened. We all cried, screamed, yelled, and ultimately broke down. I was at the weakest point I have ever been. My mom jumped in her car and drove to New York to help me figure all of this out. She knew her little girl needed her.
If the operation and the stressful situation after the surgery wasn't enough, I still needed to figure out what the next steps of my healthcare were. Did I need to plan my funeral, or was there a treatment option? I contacted my doctor and set up a meeting with him to discuss my future. I could feel his cold-as-ice attitude as he walked toward me. He was not ready to have calm and logical conversation. He had come to give me an ultimatum. He told me either you let me put you in a medically induced coma for a month, or possibly TWO! If I didn't agree to that he said that he considered me a quitter and no longer would be my oncologist. I was enamored by his harsh words and belittling behavior. I knew right then that he would no longer be my doctor.
Talk about terrified. I had recently been told that my blood is not clotting and I would bleed out without treatment, and I just lost my doctor. I felt stuck. The only thing I could think to do was reach out to my original oncologist from Arizona. He is semi-retired, but still consults on my healthcare. I knew I could turn to him. I contacted him as soon as possible and without hesitation he started working on a plan of action. He never missed a beat. This man found my cancers after many doctors failed to, he has treated/consulted my health for years, he is my bone marrow match, and now he is going to save me from this awful blood condition. He is truly my hero.
Once all of the doctors, treatments, and care plans were established, mom and I traveled back to Wisconsin with my first born fur baby in toe. I needed to have 24 hour care and maintain a strict routine to regiment my blood. The best place for me was at my parent's home, in my childhood town of Beaver Dam. I could get some treatment there and the rest in near by Madison. The one major downfall was that I had to leave my husband and my two other fur babies for an entire month! The internal struggle was torturous. I couldn't imagine being away from my hubby and two of my boys for so long, but we all knew it was best for my health. I traveled the almost 1000 miles back to Wisconsin. It was wonderful being with my parents and being able to see my sister and brother-in-law a couple times, but I missed my little family back in NY. I was uneasy about being so far from home. What if something happened and my health declined quickly? Would my husband make it to WI in time? All of those questions ran through my mind constantly. I just had to be hopeful that I was making the right decision.
Thankfully, everything worked out as planned. I got the treatments I needed and my blood is clotting again. I am back in NY and jumping back into chemo and radiation, so I can get my cancers back in check. I have found a new doctor that I connect very well with and trust immensely. I have restored faith in the hospital and cancer center. I also have renewed confidence in myself. My family continues to show me that they will go to the ends of the earth for me. I could not be more grateful and fortunate to all the amazing people in my life.
I have been handed far too many tricks lately. I'm hoping that after today I will receive many more treats than tricks. Either way, I now know I have to the strength to "weather the storm" and find my way back to optimism and determination.
Wishing you all few tricks and many treats!
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