You can't just give up on someone because the situation's not ideal.
Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems.
They're great because both people care enough about the other person
To find a way to make it work.
No matter how close, or how far away you are from friends and family, true relationships never end. There will be plenty of rough patches along the road, but there will be many positive moments, as well.
The pain, the struggles, the abundance of tears, extreme exhaustion, constant fear, the medications, and all of the side effects from my treatments, my surgeries, infections are the "icing on the cake", or in my case, a glob of gum stuck to my shoe. Gross!! I know!! Through all of those unbearable tests, I knew I always had my family and friends supporting me. They may have been many miles away, but they were with me in spirit and in my heart. Without that out-pouring love and strength I would have never had the courage, or endurance to maintain my cancer fight.
I must admit that when I first got my diagnosis I thought I would go through treatments, start some new medications, and within a few months to a year of enduring cancer I would healthy again. I was going to follow my doctor's orders to eliminate the cancer and I would possibly have to go through some rehabilitation in order to return to a "normal" life. After that...Bing, Bang, Boom I would have kicked cancer's ass!! Obviously I was wrong.
Fighting cancer for six( and counting ), certainly takes a toll on a girl. My energy level is at an all-time low. I have to miss so many occasions, gatherings, parties, and even my weekly Target trip is a struggle( oh how I love me some Target). Most of all I miss being so far away from my incredible family and all of my life-long friends. The perfect example is that recently I had to miss the wedding of one of my dearest friends. I tirelessly fought my health and my doctors to give me the go ahead to travel back to WI to see my beautiful friend marry her the love of her life, and her best friend. I am still devastated that I couldn't be there to celebrate such a momentous event in a girl's lifetime.
I have never been the type of girl whom shows her emotions in public settings. I would rather be a fly on the wall than the center of attention. I prefer to keep my tears and intimate feelings for when I'm alone, or with my closest of friends. It's like night and day...get me alone for a one-on-one, in a small group setting I'll babble on for hours. Seriously, people have to remind me to drink because I haven't shut my yapper for like 45 minutes! Ha!! Lately things have changed and I've been crying everywhere I go. When friends and family ask about my health, I cry. When I look through old pictures, I cry. When someone wants to go out for a meal, I cry because it's a waste of money for me to go. I will just end up vomiting it all up, usually even before we leave the restaurant. Sorry, I know that was gross, but it's true. When I see photos and posts uploaded by my friends and family I get extremely jealous and envious. I, of course, am so very happy that my friends and family members are doing well and basking in success! I just wish I had that opportunity myself. I constantly feel worthless, sickly, like a financial burden, and a puffy hot mess(For real, I'm sure people are thinking "Is that the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man"?) Those are difficult feelings to address and overcome. They are always lingering.
Besides feeling hideous and insecure everyday, my stomach is always in knots. The churning in my stomach is not only from my illness, it is also brought on by guilt, shame, uncertainty and paralyzing fear. Most of all my stomach and brain are always reeling because I don't know how much time I have left of my life. Do I have days, weeks, years? How much longer will this torture continue? Why was I chosen to to live life this way? What did I do to deserve all of this pain and anguish. I have/could ask these questions for years and never get a straight answer. I try not to dwell on the questions anymore, like I used to, but those feelings still enter my mind regularly. I no longer wallow in self pity, but I can most certainly get lost and become preoccupied by the "what ifs" and frustration of the situation.
I want to live a long full life. I want to go back to the fun-loving, silly, and carefree days I used to enjoy. I do have "good" days during this portion of my life. Unfortunately they are few and far between, but I am a super lucky girl that I continue to have these joyful days! They are a spectacular pick-me-up after endless treatments and time spent in the hospital.
Life, in general, is challenging for all of us (well most of us). We never know what each new day will bring. My motto is to find something to celebrate on everyday. No matter how you choose to celebrate is in the "eye of the beholder". It can be something small like splurging on a tasty treat, or going on a vacation! We all need a break from the daily grind from time-to-time. Life is much too short to spend every second dealing with work and other various responsibilities. Of course, those factors are important and need to be addressed, but we all need time to take a step back sometimes and decompress. Guaranteed the mess, the stress, the frustration, the bills and any/all emotional hardships will still be there after taking a few moments to yourself, but taking the time to breath and relax for a few moments will vastly improve your well-being. Allowing yourself to slow down a bit and regroup will also bring clarity and a calmer demeanor which, in turn, will provide for a more productive evening/weekend. That also means you will have more time to spend with family and friends. Nothing trumps quality time with loved ones. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!
Each treatment I have, every time I get poked and prodded by needles, each scan performed, every awful drink (barium) I have had to choke down, and sporting the beauty of a hospital gown (or my moo-moo as I tend to call it) is all worth it. As long as I can continue to making such joyful memories and life-long friendships, I will happily be a human pin cushion and a "regular" at the hospital.
There is and elderly man at the cancer that tells me over and over again that I am like Norm from Cheers. I make quite an entrance when I walk through those hospital doors and everyone knows Meg has arrived. His name is Augustus, but everyone calls him Auggie. It's such a heartwarming feeling when fellow patients are just as excited to see you as you are to them. If I have time I stop and I'll swap stories with the adorable oldies before I head back for my treatments. If I don't have time to chat I always make sure to walk by them and give them a wink and a smile. They love it! They are so stinkin' cute!! I'm always all bubble when I walk into my treatment area. The technicians, nurses and doctors used to always question why I looked so happy as I walked into my radiation session. Now they all know it's because of my precious friends I see the minute I walk through the hospital doors. I wouldn't have it any other way!
