As children, most of us viewed the future as an incredible adventure, but in reality the future is not as glamorous as we imagined. Growing up and becoming an adult is much more difficult than expected. The visions of an enchanting future begin to fade as we age. With each year a new struggle emerges. The harshness of the "real world" sets in. The negatives begin to outweigh the positives. The truth is that adulthood is filled with failure, loss, frustration, confusion, anxiety and many more challenges. As bright-eyed children, these "truths" never enter our minds. We see the world as a blank canvas waiting for us to paint our beautiful future. Unfortunately, as time passes, the picture on the canvas is not filled with vibrant colors and striking grandeur. Our canvases are filled with much more darkness than we could have ever imagined as kids. Nothing about life is as simple as black or white, and the vivid boldness of rich colors become muddled by the black clouds that unexpectedly enter our lives. The portrait we fantasized about as innocent children becomes unrecognizable with each passing year. There is no longer a sparkling image guiding us through life. All that is left is a gritty haze of gray.
I am not saying that as we grow older all of days, months, years are filled with emptiness and despair. There are many events, occasions, and chapters in our lives that abundantly radiant and stimulating. I am expressing that I was unprepared for the cruelty and brutality that proves evident as we enter adulthood. It is not for a lack of warning, or communication about what comes along with growing up. No one can predict what fate has in store for each of us. We all walk our own "paths" in life. The decisions we make and the actions we take guide us through the twists and turns. Some of the occurrences are unavoidable, and others are a result of the choices we make. Either way, we all must cope with the consequences and figure out how to get back "on track" towards our goals in life. That is where the stress, the battle, the strain and the intense effort comes into play. The approach we take and the method in which we choose fight through adversity is what will either make us, or break us.
There are so many times that I have wanted to give up, wave the white flag, and surrender to the pain. I have questioned over and over, why me? What did I do to deserve this? Is this what will kill me? Is this life worth living? Will this suffering ever end? I don't have the answers to these questions. I'm not sure if I will ever know why I was "dealt this hand", or why I was diagnosed with cancer at 24 years old. I'd like to think it's because I am stronger than most, I can handle anything that comes my way without "breaking a sweat", or that I am the one that is going to "beat all odds" and come out on top. I will be the triumphant cancer warrior! It's easy to dream about these feats of victory, but I don't honestly believe them. I am not a superhero. I am weak and frail. I am sad and scared. I am anxious and constantly worried that today will be my last. My canvas is not filled with striking and prominent colors, nor is it a gorgeous work of art. All I see on my canvas is murky, disorganized disarray of gloom. I do, however, search for streaks of brightness that break through the shadowy gray depiction of this chapter of my life. These "pops of color" come in many shapes, sizes and forms. When I see them, I hold them close as long as I can.
I have been very lucky to have had many lively hues burst through the many different tones of gray on my canvas. Some of them have faded away into the background, and others have remained a distinguishable illustration on my ever-changing portrait. These colors are represented by my extremely supportive family and friends, all of the amazing nurses, doctors and technicians whom have cared for me, my fellow cancer fighters, and the many courageous children I have met over the 6+ years of my cancer battle. They all have provided me with wisdom, guidance, strength, hope, love and an everlasting bond that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
Life is tough. I know that goes without saying, but I'm saying it. LIFE IS TOUGH! We all endure many, many obstacles throughout our lifetimes. No one bigger, or less important than others. It goes without fail, we will all have a "wrench" thrown at us during our lives that will interfere with our plans. It will undoubtably cause us to drastically change course and direction, but we all have the opportunity to get back on the "straight and narrow" if we choose to. We can either let fear defeat us, or take the time to fix the issue and get back on track toward our wants, needs and goals. I have been fortuitous in the fact that all of the incredible people whom have come in and out of my life have taught me so many vital and significant lessons. For too long, I could only see a gray landscape ahead of me. I can now see the stunning burst of vibrancy that light up my canvas and bring back its spirit and soul. We all leave a print on the lives of the people we meet. Each splash of color can either be smudged out, painted over, or can hold it's place forever. It is our prerogative to choose which colors stay and which go. No matter which decision we make, it is abundantly clear that a little paint can go a long way.
