The Sunny Side of the Street

I have been pondering life and death more now than I ever have.  As many of you know, I am not afraid of death.  I have come to the understanding and have accepted that I will likely parish at a younger-ish age.  I already feel like a 90 year old woman most days. The pain is relentless, and sucks most of the life out of me. Please don't take this as a complaint. I know it could be worse. I have witness much worse.  It is heartbreaking to watch everyone around me suffering.  That is no way to avoid the inevitable, but just sitting around and waiting for death is wildly absurd and depressing.  The sadness and torture radiates through your family and friends.  Cancer is a wide spread disease.  Your loved ones are suffering right along side you.  The situation is a bit of a "Catch 22".  You want your family and friends enjoy their lives, but the envy is boiling over inside.  I can rarely muster up the strength to crawl out of bed each day only to go through a slue of tests, doctor's visits, treatments and procedures.  These past two months have been extraordinarily difficult.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I want to give up and "throw in the towel"...if you will.

My entire body hurts daily.  I become physically ill...i.e. The bubble guts, vomiting, fainting and extreme fatigue.  I cannot make plans further than one day in advance because I don't know what my health will spring on me at anytime.  I have ruined many nights for my husband and other family members, I have had to miss concerts/sporting events, I have had to cancel dinners with friends, I'm forced to be absent at vacations, forgo my plans of traveling and many, MANY other plans due to my health woes.  My spirit crushes each time I am unable attend such wonderful life events.  

I will be the first person standing up to badmouth and berate this horrible disease and all the the side effects of the entire cancer process.  I would gladly give up everything I own to be cancer-free.  I don't just want my cancer taken away, but all of the serious/deadly illnesses that affect millions of people everyday. We only have this ONE life to live. I want to make the most of time on this Earth, instead of struggling to just to "keep afloat".

I know I sound outlandishly bitter and like a royal pain in the bum, but I still remember the important things in life.  In fact, cancer has made me view life much clearer.  I know what my priorities are whom I want to be surrounded by.  Cancer has allowed me to strengthen those bonds, as well as, to cherish every moment of everyday.  The smallest gestures often express the most generosity.  

Be true to yourselves. Do not give into the "norm".  Follow your heart's desires.  We ALL deserve to be a part of guiding our destiny along our chosen path.  No matter which path you choose there will continue to be unexpected twist and turns. Without them life wouldn't be worth living. Every once in a while chaos snaps us back to reality. It keeps our heart's pumping and adrenaline coursing through our veins. Without a little spit-fire in our lives keeping us on our toes, life would become mundane and even boring.

This verse from one of my songs perfectly reflects what I feel.
 "Grab your coat and get your hat

Leave your worries on the doorstep

Life can be so sweet

On the sunny side of the street"

This quote also has so much meaning.

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” - Ansel Adams

Never lose that drive and energy that makes you excited for each new day.  You never know when a miracles may come true, or a prayer may be answered.  

Even when that water seems too deep..."Just Keep Swimming"