Lately I have been feeling in many ways like a hypocrite. I walk around with a smile on my face while I'm crying inside. I have the words courage and strength permanently tattooed on my arm. When I am asked how I am doing I always say that I am well. My whole life I have taught myself to hide my pain. I have mastered the art of masking my true feelings. I am cheerful, bubbly, happy-go-lucky Meg. Don't get me wrong, many times I am doing well. I am excited to be around my friends and family, so my mood is gleeful. I am also a firm believer in a positive attitude producing a positive lifestyle. My trouble is finding the balance. I also struggle with feeling like a burden. I'm already the "sick girl". I would hate to turn into the "whiny sick girl". I am working on it though.
During my many hours at the hospital, I have had time to deeply think about the meaning behind the words courage and strength. These are extremely powerful and harmonious words. It's fascinating how two words can have such an impact on someone's life. I've realized that we should never be afraid of a scar. They simply mean we are stronger than whatever tried to hurt us. That scar is a symbol, a physical manifestation, of our courage and strength. We should wear our scars proudly! These words have such significance to me that they inspired me to write a poem to encourage myself and others to face challenges without fear, but with confidence.
It takes strength to be firm
It takes courage to be gentle
It takes strength to endure abuse
It takes courage to stop it
It takes strength to hold our heads high
It takes courage to break down and cry
It take strength to stand alone
It takes courage to lean on another
It takes strength to love
It takes courage to be loved
It takes strength to survive
It takes courage to live
Most importantly remember,
Maybe not today,
Or tomorrow,
Or even in a year,
But eventually,
Things will get better,
You will get better,
You will be able to look back,
And say with relief;
I MADE IT!!
Be bold, be brace, be fearless and be adventurous because you are fierce!! Don't let anyone tell you anything different!!
Friday, June 9, 2017
Panic
Silence. Darkness. Peace. Relaxation. Sounds like the perfect combination for restful night of sleep. For most it is, but such a night, for me, is filled with pain and anxiety. When the room is permeated with such an eerily quietness and a sense of calmness, my mind become restless. Deep and dark manifestation of my fears arise. My heart races, my hands and feet tremble, my breathing becomes erratic, my ears ring, the pain becomes unbearable, and if worse comes-to-worse, I will have a serious panic attack. The most difficult part of each night is the suffering all alone. While the world is happily in dreamland, I am fighting horrible inner and outer demons. Demons I have tried to conquer for many, many years.
Perhaps the most troubling aspect to my sleep deprivation is the restrictions that have been put on my life lately. Jumping back into intense treatment has really "done a number" on my body. I constantly feel depleted and honestly pretty worthless. Recently, I have been having trouble with my memory and a few other functions that I have never had issues with in the past. I can't help but wonder "Am I slipping away"? "If this is the end, will I get to say goodbye before I go"? Naturally I hope that I will have more time than less.
Listen to me go on-and-on about my petty problems. I have so much to be grateful and appreciative for. Life is an on-going battle, but if you have determined and uncompromising army around you, getting through the strenuous times can be much more navigable.
When I was first diagnosed I thought I could beat this thing all by myself. Eight years later I know that I can't and it's not shameful to ask for help. I still have my moments. I never want to be a burden to anyone, but I also know that cancer sucks! I wouldn't be here today without the support of my family, friends, and healthcare workers whom have all assisted me along this long and arduous journey.
I also want to thank all of you out there that take the time out of your days to read my blog! Words cannot express my gratitude! XOXO
Perhaps the most troubling aspect to my sleep deprivation is the restrictions that have been put on my life lately. Jumping back into intense treatment has really "done a number" on my body. I constantly feel depleted and honestly pretty worthless. Recently, I have been having trouble with my memory and a few other functions that I have never had issues with in the past. I can't help but wonder "Am I slipping away"? "If this is the end, will I get to say goodbye before I go"? Naturally I hope that I will have more time than less.
Listen to me go on-and-on about my petty problems. I have so much to be grateful and appreciative for. Life is an on-going battle, but if you have determined and uncompromising army around you, getting through the strenuous times can be much more navigable.
When I was first diagnosed I thought I could beat this thing all by myself. Eight years later I know that I can't and it's not shameful to ask for help. I still have my moments. I never want to be a burden to anyone, but I also know that cancer sucks! I wouldn't be here today without the support of my family, friends, and healthcare workers whom have all assisted me along this long and arduous journey.
I also want to thank all of you out there that take the time out of your days to read my blog! Words cannot express my gratitude! XOXO
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Everyday
Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed.
Everyday is filled with pain, anxiety, exhaustion and fear.
Everyday I wonder, "Is today the day"?
Everyday I put on a brave face, but I am crumbling inside.
I will continue to be as strong as I can be, but I feel myself weakening day-by-day.
I am more afraid than ever.
I am more alone than ever because I do not want to burden anyone with my issues when so many of you have your own challenges you are working through. I would gladly help you resolve your hardships than divulge into mine.
To be honest, I don't have many friends. I suppose I should rephrase that. I have many fantastic friends. Unfortunately, most of them live many miles away. The friends that live locally are either fellow patients and/or healthcare workers. As you can imagine, our gossip topics don't get too risqué, or off the topic of medicine. Most of the time our conversations starts something like "Hey Edna! What was your blood pressure this morning"? Edna responds "145/80". Lillian shouts back "Mine was 138/78...you're buying lunch today"! Thrilling banter, I know, but I digress.
No matter how mundane, lackluster, agonizing, frustrating, intrusive, tedious and often embarrassing is, I cannot let my cancer beat me! Most certainly not without a fight! I do wish I would receive good news at my appointments instead of constantly walking into my lead doctor's offices and seeing that look on his face. That look of dissatisfaction and despair. No words need to be exchanged. He knows I cannot hear the words out loud in that moment. Being the wonderful doctor he is, he stands up from his desk chair, walks over to me and takes my hand in his. That simple gesture provides the comfort I desperately need in that moment. No sooner than he takes my hand, I begin to cry. I cannot hold back the tears. My doctor is so patient that he consoles me until I am ready to hear the news about the condition of my health. Thank you to all of the doctors, nurses, PA's, NP's, technicians(Lab, cultures, diagnostic , radiology, and so many more!
It is getting increasingly difficult to but on a brave face.
I'm scared. More scared that ever.
Life is tough. Well all know that. We go through a serious of ups and downs. I can't help but hope that this "down" portion of my life will soon be over. I never thought I would have cancer for 8 years!!
Although these have been the most difficult years of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally and especially financially! I have had many reasons to smile and life along the way! Nothing will keep me from smiling, making others smile, and enjoying life while I can!!
I smile because I am loved.
I smile because I love so many beautiful people in my life.
I smile because smiles are infectious.
I smile because of all of you.
I smile because I am grateful.
I smile because I am alive.
I smile because I can.
So, I smile everyday.
Everyday is filled with pain, anxiety, exhaustion and fear.
Everyday I wonder, "Is today the day"?
Everyday I put on a brave face, but I am crumbling inside.
I will continue to be as strong as I can be, but I feel myself weakening day-by-day.
I am more afraid than ever.
I am more alone than ever because I do not want to burden anyone with my issues when so many of you have your own challenges you are working through. I would gladly help you resolve your hardships than divulge into mine.
To be honest, I don't have many friends. I suppose I should rephrase that. I have many fantastic friends. Unfortunately, most of them live many miles away. The friends that live locally are either fellow patients and/or healthcare workers. As you can imagine, our gossip topics don't get too risqué, or off the topic of medicine. Most of the time our conversations starts something like "Hey Edna! What was your blood pressure this morning"? Edna responds "145/80". Lillian shouts back "Mine was 138/78...you're buying lunch today"! Thrilling banter, I know, but I digress.
No matter how mundane, lackluster, agonizing, frustrating, intrusive, tedious and often embarrassing is, I cannot let my cancer beat me! Most certainly not without a fight! I do wish I would receive good news at my appointments instead of constantly walking into my lead doctor's offices and seeing that look on his face. That look of dissatisfaction and despair. No words need to be exchanged. He knows I cannot hear the words out loud in that moment. Being the wonderful doctor he is, he stands up from his desk chair, walks over to me and takes my hand in his. That simple gesture provides the comfort I desperately need in that moment. No sooner than he takes my hand, I begin to cry. I cannot hold back the tears. My doctor is so patient that he consoles me until I am ready to hear the news about the condition of my health. Thank you to all of the doctors, nurses, PA's, NP's, technicians(Lab, cultures, diagnostic , radiology, and so many more!
It is getting increasingly difficult to but on a brave face.
I'm scared. More scared that ever.
Life is tough. Well all know that. We go through a serious of ups and downs. I can't help but hope that this "down" portion of my life will soon be over. I never thought I would have cancer for 8 years!!
Although these have been the most difficult years of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally and especially financially! I have had many reasons to smile and life along the way! Nothing will keep me from smiling, making others smile, and enjoying life while I can!!
I smile because I am loved.
I smile because I love so many beautiful people in my life.
I smile because smiles are infectious.
I smile because of all of you.
I smile because I am grateful.
I smile because I am alive.
I smile because I can.
So, I smile everyday.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Bumps along the road of life
Unfortunately, being submerged in the world of cancer for so many years (8 years as of this month). I have seen many happy outcomes, but I have seen far too many devesating outcomes. Not all of them due to cancer. I volunteer on many different floors of the hospital, so I see many different types of illnesses. It's absolutely horrible to watch the patients suffer, it is heartbreaking to watch the family process all of the information in order to decide what the best option(s) for the patient's future.
Life is filled with an abundance of challenging decisions. Once we do make a decision we often feel guilty because we worry the we chose the wrong option. I know I second, third, four, etc guess my decisions.
Instead of dwelling on my decisions to the point of insanity, I have channeled my guilty and uncertainty into writing poems/journal entries to express my emotions.
Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us everyday...
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still LOVED,
Still missed,
And always remaining in our hearts.
Those we love can never be more than a thought away...
For as long as there's a memory, they live in our hearts to stay.
They are never truly gone as long as we don't allow ourselves to forget them.
A true friend can NEVER be forgotten.
Love one another
Be good to one another
Express your feelings to each other
Respect each othe
And tell each other that you love each other everyday
It is IMPOSSIBLE to hear I LOVE YOU too much!
Life is filled with an abundance of challenging decisions. Once we do make a decision we often feel guilty because we worry the we chose the wrong option. I know I second, third, four, etc guess my decisions.
Instead of dwelling on my decisions to the point of insanity, I have channeled my guilty and uncertainty into writing poems/journal entries to express my emotions.
Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us everyday...
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still LOVED,
Still missed,
And always remaining in our hearts.
Those we love can never be more than a thought away...
For as long as there's a memory, they live in our hearts to stay.
They are never truly gone as long as we don't allow ourselves to forget them.
A true friend can NEVER be forgotten.
Love one another
Be good to one another
Express your feelings to each other
Respect each othe
And tell each other that you love each other everyday
It is IMPOSSIBLE to hear I LOVE YOU too much!
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