Everyday

Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed.
Everyday is filled with pain, anxiety, exhaustion and fear.
Everyday I wonder, "Is today the day"?
Everyday I put on a brave face, but I am crumbling inside.
I will continue to be as strong as I can be, but I feel myself weakening day-by-day.
I am more afraid than ever.
I am more alone than ever because I do not want to burden anyone with my issues when so many of you have your own challenges you are working through. I would gladly help you resolve your hardships than divulge into mine.

To be honest, I don't have many friends. I suppose I should rephrase that. I have many fantastic friends. Unfortunately, most of them live many miles away. The friends that live locally are either fellow patients and/or healthcare workers. As you can imagine, our gossip topics don't get too risqué, or off the topic of medicine. Most of the time our conversations starts something like "Hey Edna! What was your blood pressure this morning"? Edna responds "145/80". Lillian shouts back "Mine was 138/78...you're buying lunch today"! Thrilling banter, I know, but I digress.

No matter how mundane, lackluster, agonizing, frustrating, intrusive, tedious and often embarrassing is, I cannot let my cancer beat me! Most certainly not without a fight! I do wish I would receive good news at my appointments instead of constantly walking into my lead doctor's offices and seeing that look on his face. That look of dissatisfaction and despair. No words need to be exchanged. He knows I cannot hear the words out loud in that moment. Being the wonderful doctor he is, he stands up from his desk chair, walks over to me and takes my hand in his. That simple gesture provides the comfort I desperately need in that moment. No sooner than he takes my hand, I begin to cry. I cannot hold back the tears. My doctor is so patient that he consoles me until I am ready to hear the news about the condition of my health. Thank you to all of the doctors, nurses, PA's, NP's, technicians(Lab, cultures, diagnostic , radiology, and so many more!

It is getting increasingly difficult to but on a brave face.
I'm scared. More scared that ever.
Life is tough. Well all know that. We go through a serious of ups and downs. I can't help but hope that this "down" portion of my life will soon be over. I never thought I would have cancer for 8 years!!
Although these have been the most difficult years of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally and especially financially! I have had many reasons to smile and life along the way! Nothing will keep me from smiling, making others smile, and enjoying life while I can!!

I smile because I am loved.
I smile because I love so many beautiful people in my life.
I smile because smiles are infectious.
I smile because of all of you.
I smile because I am grateful.
I smile because I am alive.
I smile because I can.
So, I smile everyday.