Regrets

I continually get asked what kind of regrets I live with? What mistakes do I fixate on every single day? They seem to think I have a long list of enemies, and/or events in my life that cause me to lie awake a night dwelling upon how this happen and what I could have done in the perfect moment in time to have bettered the situation. In actuality, I don't sweat it. I live my life regret/free.

Saying I live regret-free is almost worse than fixating on certain consequences and dwelling on past event. Reliving those moments my be very a beneficial part of closure, acceptance, and/forgiveness. Those moments are can be very cathartic. All of those techniques can be extremely constructive during such complicated times. I advocate those feelings. I say "go, express yourself." Anyway you want, cry, dance, sing, laugh, act like a kid again if even for just one night. We all need to take a jump back from our everyday lives and make time to PLAY!! LAUGH!! And Most of ALL LOVE!!

I can honestly say that I live a regret-free life because I have been dealt a loosing hand one-to-many-times, and I'm still kickin'! I'm sure there are plenty more crappy hands that will come my way in this "gave of life", but I'll keep fighting through them.

I'm not completely devoid of feelings and hope. I have wishful thinking for the future. I, of course, wish that I could be around all of my family and friends as I am going through such an awful poking, prodding, surgeries, procedures, there to help me through the horrible side effects, etc.  I don't regret not getting diagnosed with cancer a thousand miles away from my closest family and friends. I was terrified. I needed more information and luckily at that time my boss had an awesome doctor to refer to me. That is how my cancer journey began. The most ironic part is that I would find the love of my live two weeks later. And he chose to stick around even though I gave him a no-haggle out clause. If that isn't love that I don't know want it.

Where do the regrets factor in? They seem like a useless expenditure of time and energy. I am already in a frail state. I still have cancer, but it hasn't beat me yet!! No regrets here. I'm not looking to add any regrets, especially when there is still a future ahead of me! I have the most amazing group of supporters constantly around me. My mom and my dad are my rock, my sister and her husband are un-freak-en-believable! My husband has been beyond incredible!! All my extended family, my hospital family, all my glorious friends spread all over the place... I can't thank you all enough!!!!

With all this gratitude, there is no room for regret. If there is something from my past I have not done yet, "I grab the bull be the horns, and just do it!" No more waiting for the perfect time. There will never be a "perfect time" to learn the ukulele, so there's no time like the present!! Jumping out of an airplane...why the heck not? I could die in the sky, or the cancer could kill me. I'm will to take that chance. Most of all, I find myself never wanted to end conversations. I know it doesn't sound glamorous, or exciting, but I just want to take everyone whom is important to me everywhere I go. That way I'm never alone.

This blog is also a reminder to never have regrets. The story, thoughts, and words are all mine. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many fantastic people. I have seen them at their best and and at there worst. Regardless, of what we look like on the outside, our souls run deep. Sometime no words need to be spoken. Then on the flip side, it is a glorious feeling to see a patient walk out of the hospital after months of treatments.

I like to say that there is "so much more beauty in the broken because our scars give us character, we dare to be different and everything is new to us again." We all change after being in the hospital for expended periods of time. Bonds are formed deeper, trust is a must, and everyone you meet becomes like family to you. Walking down the long corridors of the hospital you see so many different stories as you walk the hall. On the left a joyous family of three. The little girl is practically jumping out of her tights. Obviously, they got good news. Then you turn to the right and you see a mother sitting on a bench with a bag a personal belongings. She reaches in and pulls out a teddy bears. She begins to sobs alone on that bench. Two completely different outcomes just minutes from each other. A few moments pass. The mother stands up. She was watching the little girl dancing. She walks towards the family. She kneels down in front of the girl and offers her the bear. The little girl looks up at her parents. The whole family and the woman move to a nearby table. The young mother explained that her son didn't survive his surgery, but he would be proud to share his favorite bear with someone as out-going and fun as you! They all smiled through their tears and the little girl's parents said it was ok to take. They exchanged phone numbers so they could do bear "check-ins", they hugged, and then they went on with the rest of their days. As the mother of the deceased boy started walking my way, she was no longer crying. She was smiling. She got some closure she needed in the moment. It was a truly remarkable sight to see!

Whatever you are doing, do it with purpose, then you with have no reason to regret it.