Before I Die

As many of you may, or may not know my health has taken a hard turn down a steep slope.  I am mustering up all the fight, strength and energy I have inside me to get myself through each day.  Each new morning brings on afternoons and evenings of new obstacles and higher hurdles to jump over.  Many times I feel as though I am running a race I will inevitably lose, but I can't and I won't give up that easily.  I'm a stubborn cuss that refuses to be defeated without utilizing every ounce of my being to overcome this horrible disease!  Life is too precious and too short to give up on.

One of the nurses at the cancer center approached me the other day with a very personal and intriguing question.  This particular nurse and I have grown close over the past year, but the subject matter of our conversations are usually regarding my health, or light-hearted topics.  As we've grown closer, we have began to share more intimate detailsu of our lives.  We are very much alike, but we also learn many life lessons from each other.  I very much enjoy her company and our many meaningful chats.  Her recent question surprised me, but also gave me reason to evaluate my past, as well as, my future.  The question she asked was "What does the bucket list for your life contain"?

At 30 years old, I haven't thought a lot about all the things I want to do before I die.  I always assumed I would have more time to contemplate my "to do" list.  I have been pondering her inquiry since she brought up the topic.  It may not be much, and each new day could add, or remove an item, but this is my list as of today.

Meg's Bucket List

*Pet a sea otter and a penguin, pretty much any zoo animal(preferably one that won't eat me, but I'm flexible).

*Ride atop an elephant.

*Snuggle/cuddle a baby elephant.
*Hang out ALL DAY with the HILARIOUS James Corden! He is a hoot and a half! Being a part of one of his carpool karaoke skits, or even hid out under a blanket in the backseat during the carpool would be an epic experience! My dream carpool companions would be James Corden, Lady Gaga, Barabara Streisand, and me, of course! We would rock it!!
*Have a drink with Rory McIlroy, Graeme McDowell & my hubby in Ireland and then hit the links for a round, or two.
*Kiss the Blarney Stone, then thoroughly sanitize my lips afterwords.

*Visit Edinburgh, Rome and many other cities in Europe; Florence, Vienna, Vatican City, Amsterdam, Prague, London, Paris. I would also love to visit Ireland, Bora Bora, Austrialia and Fiji (sitting 1st class on the plane, of course).
*Live abroad for at least a year(or at least for a few months). I want to soak in as much culture as I can before I die.
*Spend one entire day with the incomparable Adele. I want to experience one day surrounded and immersed within her talent and beautiful lifestyle. She is not just a singer. She is a true artist and shines with exquisite brilliance. Even though she has achieved such epic celebrity status, she remains humbled and appreciative by her extraordinary gift. She has inspired me I'm more ways than I could ever put into words. It would be on honor to be in her presence.
*Learn the art of Fencing.

*Take a ride in a hot air ballon.

*To ride in a helicopter over beautiful scenic views!
*Have Tarek and Christina from HGTV's Flip or Flip come and flip my house, or Joanna and Chip Gains fix up my house. It sure needs it. They both have such incredible skill, style and taste.

*Have a child, or twins via adoption or surrogacy since I am unable to birth a child.
*Live long enough to see my child/children grow up.

*Dance "The Carlton" with Alfonso Ribeiro.
*Have Tom Selleck record my out-going messege on my cell phone.
*Better yet! Have Tom Selleck, Ted Dansen & Steve Guttenberg record "Goodnight Sweetheart" for me to listen to before bed(since I have so many challenges sleeping). It would be truly magical if they changed the lyrics to "goodnight sweet Meg, goodnight".  It would absolutely melt my heart! OMG... I am blubbering like a baby as I write this!
*Film a scene in a movie, on a TV show, or even a commercial with Cheri Oteri and Melissa McCarthy. How ridiculously awesome would that be!?!?

*Meet Tom Selleck(he's so dreamy and an American icon), I would be honored to meet the entire cast and crew of Blue Bloods(the show has truly impacted my life),Steve Martin, Bruce Willis, Elton John, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Gary Sinise, Jeff Daniels, Craig T. Nelson, Dermot Mulrouny, Will Ferrell, Tony Bennett, Sandy B.(Sandra Bullock), Kathy Bates, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Melissa McCarthy, and the phenomenal Christina Aguilera! Having a round table discussion with this incredible group of men and women, listening to where they've been and what rolls they played, but also what they enjoy doing on there down time. Feeling a connection with these people on a human level. Not a creep-o weird way though. Just a personal level, not a actor/fan level.

*Meet Carrie Underwood and/or Adele. If possible sing a few words from one of their songs together. That would be a dream. They are both so outrageously talented and beautiful both inside and out!!

--SIDEBAR-- I know this list is extensive, but hey, that's what a bucket list is right? A list of hopes and dreams that will likely never come to fruition, but wishful thinking. Back to the list...

*Be a guest or the guest bartender on WWHL with Andy Cohen! I'm not cool enough to be a regular guest... Boo 😢 But I digress...

*Be a guest on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and have an epic lip-sync battle! Honestly, I don't even have to be on the show(even though I'm a world class lip-sync-er), I'd be honored just to be in the audience and maybe he would catch a glimpse of me in the audience. I know that sounds super stalkeresques(maybe even a bit creepy), but it is only because I truly admire his talent!

*Meet my absolute favorite band, since I was 14, Fall Out Boy and if possible have them serenade me with my favorite song... "Donnie, what a catch" - If I got the chance to hug Patrick Stump I could die a happy girl! I would want to hug them all of course, but through articles and interviews I've read regarding the band, I feel the same way he does about many different topics. I also adore his voice! His vocals are phenomenal and the melodies just make me melt.
*Have FOB design/customize a personalized, somewhat feminine tattoo that incorporates all of the band member's signatures and/or signature symbol for me to have permanently imprinted on my body.

*Appear as an extra in a Justin Timberlake, Meghan Trainor, Carrie Underwood, or Kenny Chesney music video. I would love to make a cameo is. Justin Timberlake movie, as well!!

*Land a voice-over gig for a movie or TV show.

*Finish tattooing my arms into full sleeves.

*Become a published author/well-known blogger.

*Receive a giant hug from Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson. He just looks so huggable. He also has the most stunning smile!
*Paying off any/all debt my family has accrued because of my medical bills and the many other expenses they continually have to help out with just to keep me on my feet since I am unable to work. The fact that they have to financially support their 30 year old daughter and miss out on thing they want to do because of their sickly daughter makes me cry multiple times a day. I want to give them their lives back, their freedom, their happiness.

*Give my parents, my sister, brother-in-law and my husband the vacation of a lifetime!

*Reenact some of my favorite SNL skits with past and present cast members. Playing Colette Reardon's crazy pill-popping friend along side Cheri Oteri would PHENOMENAL!(On account of my on-going illness and the pill popping routine I've come a custom to).

*Skate on the ice at Rockefeller Center and see the tree lit up in all its Chtistmas glory!

*Take a trip through the Caribbean islands on a gorgeous yacht with friends and family.

*Start a charity foundation/Non-profit that brings different weekly activities to long-term hospital patients, both young and old.
*Provide my family and friend with at least a sliver of the joy and support they shown me over my entire life. Being able to give them back ten times the love and generosity they have shown to me over my lifetime would be a true blessing.
*Open a store/business that all of my family could work at. We could all take a step back from the daily grind of working for "the man" and take time to enjoy life while maintaing a successful business. At the same time giving hired employees equal perks and respect for a job well done.
*Grant the wishes of as many people as I can. Everyone deserves to experience at least one dream come true within their lifetime, not matter how big or small.

*Lastly, I want to pass away with dignity, having lived my "best life", and with those closet to me being proud of me. Without each and every one of you I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you doesn't begin to express my love and appreciation.

I would love to anonymously pick up the tab for another family as well as my own each time I go out to dinner. Seeing the the smiles on their faces are priceless.

It is a shame that so many of us are unable to check off most(if any) items off of our bucket lists because of the many stresses that life presents us with daily.  Life, all too often becomes routine and mundane.  Cancer frequently prevents me from being as spontaneous as I would like to be.  To be honest, it often hinders plans I make months in advance.  Cancer has altered my life in a plethora of ways.  When I get the chance and my health is cooperative, I see glimpses of pre-cancer Meg.  She is still inside me.  Unfortunately, she is being squashed by a bunch of tumors, scar tissues, and an abundance of other abnormalities.  

My bucket list provides me with the motivation I need when all I want to do is "throw in the towel".  Giving into my illness is not an option.  I have too much left to accomplish.  I hope that I will have the opportunity to one day complete my bucket list.  What is on your bucket list?

Still I wonder, Do dreams ever really come true?

Benny & Linda

My cancer and tumors have been known to wreak havoc on most of my bones, muscles, joints and nerves.  It is not a glamorous lifestyle to lead.  Well, not so glamorous to most, but I rock the cancer patient look.....obviously! :). Okay, okay, that is wishful thinking.  I don't rock the sickly look anymore than the other patients.  I am likely one of the biggest hot messes there. Ha!  After dealing with cancer for this long, style, fashion and makeup are delegated to the back burner.  Hopefully, one day, they will make it back into the rotation.  As of now, the only style choices I make is in regard to covering up.  I decide which hat, or head wrap I want to were.  After choosing the appropriate headwear, I match a cardigan sweater/zip-up sweatshirt (it's always cold in the hospital) to the chosen headgear.  Lastly, I match my unders to form a complete ensemble.  It is a must to have clean and cute under-roos on just, in case, my bum decides to poke out from behind the gown.  Especially when the doctors and nurses tell me to keep the gown untied because that makes it easier for them when they are performing procedures and exams.  Are you kidding me?  I cannot and will not keep my gown wide open for a doctor to come in just to poke and prod at me.  The doctors and the nurses don't go out of their way to make my time at the hospital easier, so I am sure to tie my gown every single time.  It takes two seconds for them to untie the ties. I think they can easily manage that.  I get frustrated when I am being told to do something because it's easier for the doctor.  Where is the concern for the patient?  We are the ones being tortured and they have the nerve to ask us accommodate them?!?  Sheesh!  Even if I went in for procedure and treatments stark naked, the doctors would find something to bitch about.  Your IV is in the wrong spot, your tattoos make it difficult to find veins for blood draws, oh, you recently fell and have a huge bruise, now your cold and shivering.  These are all things that have no control over.  Each patient is different and not typical.  With all the training the docs and nurses have, you'd think it would be easy for them to acclimate.  Instead the doctors have a tendency to put their utensils down and walk out of the exam room.  They only return if and when everything is up to their standards.  It's ridiculous!  I am doing everything I can to be 100% prepared for any and every day at the hospital.  One would think the doctors and nurses are there to aid in the wellbeing of their patients, but all too often that isn't the case, but, I digress.

There are so many challenges, stresses and frustrations I am faced with on a daily basis.  It's easy to forget about all of the other patients struggling inside and outside of the hospital.  We all take our lives for granted at one time, or another.  I know I have and I still do.  I have been fortunate to have full use of all my extremities.  Many people are not so lucky.  These people could have been born without function, or the ability to use them may have been taken away due to disease and/or injury.  These people fight everyday just to take a step, hold a piece of cutlery, and/or even speak.  There are an abundance of diseases and injuries that can strip us of the most menial tasks.

I recently had to go through some physical therapy to rehab my hip and ankle after taking a bad fall.  Shortly after I started my therapy, I found myself spending a lot of my extra time in the occupational therapy unit.  I had physical therapy four times a week to start and the sessions became less and less as I got stronger.  The funny thing was that I was still spending the same amount of time, maybe even more, in the OT unit.  No, I wasn't putting in over time towards my rehab, I was focusing on the therapy of a certain young man.  I saw this boy every time I was there for my therapy.  He sat quietly in his wheelchair, doing his exercises while his mom and therapist gave him instructions.  He was very attentive always looked eager to try a new exercise.  I watched him get a little bit stronger each day.  One day the boy's mother approached me.  She lightly tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could have a moment of my time.  I was pleased to speak with her.  I had been admiring her dedication and the love she has for her son.  She took me to the side and thanked me.  I was caught off guard.  Why was she thanking me?  I was clueless, so I asked her why she was thanking me.  She explained that her son has multiple sclerosis and is autistic.  My heart broke as those words came out of her mouth.  She was visibly shaken and holding back the tears as she went into more detail about her son.  I consoled her the best I could and listened to her courageous words.  

His name is Benny.  He was diagnosed with MS shortly after he was born and was diagnosed autistic at age six.  He recently turned fifteen, and has been mute his entire life.  He communicates through his computer, or using sign language.  Therapy had always been a struggle for Benny.  He never put much effort into the exercises.  He would often fight with his mom about going to therapy.  He had no drive or motivation.  Benny's mother told me that all changed the day I started my therapy.  She told me that I was the bright ray of light that was needed to cut through the darkness.  Linda(Benny's mom) illustrated my first day at therapy according to her.  She said I walked through the doors with a huge smile on my face, took two steps and then nailed my knee on one of the exercise machines(sounds about right).  Instead of getting angry or upset, she said that I burst into laughter and made fun of myself.  After such an abrupt and noticeable entrance I introduced myself to everyone as Meg.  I added that they could call me klutz, crash, crazy, etc.... I'll answer to most anything! Ha!  Linda saw a smile on Benny's face for the first time in a long time.  She also saw that he put a little mor effort into his session that day.  As, the time passed I chatted with all the patients and therapists.  I found myself staying after my therapy was done to uplift and encourage other patients as they rehabilitated their injuries and bodies.  Friendships began to bloom with many of the patients, but none like me and Benny.  I would bring in different music for us to play while patients were doing their exercises and rehabbing.  I even started a little chair dance/shimmy for the "down" times.  Therapy had become a lot of fun and we all took serious interest into each other's rehab.  We were all cheerleaders for each other.  Physical therapy became more fun, a little silly and freeing instead of stale and boring.

I finished the therapy I needed for my injuries fairly quickly, but I didn't stop going to the OT unit.  These people had become my friends and I care for them all deeply.  I want to see them succeed.  I could also feel that Benny was going to have a breakthrough soon.  He was putting in so much effort, making strides for his healthcare and smiling through it all.  Watching him improve each day was thrilling!  He was taking charge of his life for the very first time!  It gives me goosebumps thinking about how far he has come and the progress he has made.  The most exhilarating part of all is that Benny, at age fifteen said his first words!

This morning I was saying my goodbyes for the day, gathering my things and putting the "normal" music back on before saying goodbye to Linda and Benny.  I got everything done I needed to before heading out for the day, so I walked over to Linda. We were chatting and looking at our calendars for next week while Benny was finishing up with his therapist.  A couple minutes later Benny was done. I leaned in, hugged Benny, and then I hugged Linda.  I looked over to Benny once more to tell him I would see him tomorrow.  As I was saying the words Benny put his hand up, as if to sign something to me, but he didn't sign anything.  He softly whispered May-Gan. My chin hit the floor. My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I looked over to Linda.  She had the same face on.  We were speechless.  We both knelt down beside Benny.  He spoke again.  May-gan. Thanks you. Thanks you May-gan.  I was floored and filled with emotions.  Then Benny turned his head to Linda.  He slowly sounded out Love you.  Love you mom.  We both lost it!  We hugged him, we hugged each other, hell, we even hugged the custodial worker whom had no idea what was going on.  We could not contain our elation!!  It was an amazingly memorable moment.  I'm so happy I was there to witness it.

No one knows if and when Benny will speak again, only Benny knows, but I will be by his side not matter what.  Not only did Benny speak for the first time today, he restored faith in so many of us.  He is living proof that miracles do happen.  They really do come true.  With hard work, faith, and hope in your heart good things do come to those who wait.

Humanity

If we don’t feel solely with our hearts, we don’t belong

If we don’t see as one, through rose-colored glasses, the world is wrong

Beyond the wars we fight, both internally and externally

Comes the hate and the insanity

We all have an individual personality 

We are all connected through humanity

We are the child with cancer who still wears a smile

We are the kid from the projects facing trial

We are the pregnant teen feeling lost and used

We are the elderly man at home being abused

We are the young couple tip-toeing through a marriage on the rocks

We are the homeless person living in a cardboard box

We are the cold and hungry, the sad and depressed

We are the lonely child whom never felt blessed

We are the woman whose life was filled with pain

We are the man standing alone in the pouring rain

We are the child who struggles day to day

We are the teenage girl who ran away

We are the soldier killed while fighting an unjust war

We are the young man who can dream no more

We are the inmate locked away for life

We are the elderly man whom has lost his wife

We could benefit from a life led by hope and love rather than cruelty and vanity

And have a sense of belonging to humanity.

We will never know what is going on with the rude waiter from dinner, the jack-wagon who cuts us off in traffic, the naughty kid that continually hits our heels with a cart at the grocery store, or the rude person talking extremely loud on their phone.  Yes, these acts are irritating, but we should all try to refrain from lashing back at these behaviors.  We all have so much going on in our lives, and we all have bad days.  Instead of continually being rude and unsympathetic, we should all try to uplift one another.  Each new day could use many more smiles, laughs, hugs, love and happiness.  There is plenty of pain, frustration, stress, fear, and uncertainty in the world.  Life is too short to be carrying around all that negativity.  It may not always be easy, but we must allow the small things to slide off of shoulders.  Acknowledge the negative issues, but embrace the positive.

A Wink and a Smile

You can't just give up on someone because the situation's not ideal.

Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems.

They're great because both people care enough about the other person

To find a way to make it work.

No matter how close, or how far away you are from friends and family, true relationships never end.  There will be plenty of rough patches along the road, but there will be many positive moments, as well.

The pain, the struggles, the abundance of tears, extreme exhaustion, constant fear, the medications, and all of the side effects from my treatments, my surgeries, infections are the "icing on the cake", or in my case, a glob of gum stuck to my shoe.  Gross!! I know!! Through all of those unbearable tests, I knew I always had my family and friends supporting me.  They may have been many miles away, but they were with me in spirit and in my heart.  Without that out-pouring love and strength I would have never had the courage, or endurance to maintain my cancer fight.

I must admit that when I first got my diagnosis I thought I would go through treatments, start some new medications, and within a few months to a year of enduring cancer I would healthy again.  I was going to follow my doctor's orders to eliminate the cancer and I would possibly have to go through some rehabilitation in order to return to a "normal" life.  After that...Bing, Bang, Boom I would have kicked cancer's ass!!  Obviously I was wrong. 

Fighting cancer for six( and counting ), certainly takes a toll on a girl.  My energy level is at an all-time low.  I have to miss so many occasions, gatherings, parties, and even my weekly Target trip is a struggle( oh how I love me some Target).  Most of all I miss being so far away from my incredible family and all of my life-long friends.  The perfect example is that recently I had to miss the wedding of one of my dearest friends.  I tirelessly fought my health and my doctors to give me the go ahead to travel back to WI to see my beautiful friend marry her the love of her life, and her best friend.  I am still devastated that I couldn't be there to celebrate such a momentous event in a girl's lifetime.

I have never been the type of girl whom shows her emotions in public settings. I would rather be a fly on the wall than the center of attention.  I prefer to keep my tears and intimate feelings for when I'm alone, or with my closest of friends.  It's like night and day...get me alone for a one-on-one, in a small group setting I'll babble on for hours.  Seriously, people have to remind me to drink because I haven't shut my yapper for like 45 minutes!  Ha!!  Lately things have changed and I've been crying everywhere I go.  When friends and family ask about my health, I cry.  When I look through old pictures, I cry.  When someone wants to go out for a meal, I cry because it's a waste of money for me to go. I will just end up vomiting it all up, usually even before we leave the restaurant.  Sorry, I know that was gross, but it's true.  When I see photos and posts uploaded by my friends and family I get extremely jealous and envious.  I, of course, am so very happy that my friends and family members are doing well and basking in success!  I just wish I had that opportunity myself.  I  constantly feel worthless, sickly, like a financial burden, and a puffy hot mess(For real, I'm sure people are thinking "Is that the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man"?)  Those are difficult feelings to address and overcome.  They are always lingering.  

Besides feeling hideous and insecure everyday, my stomach is always in knots.  The churning in my stomach is not only from my illness, it is also brought on by guilt, shame, uncertainty and paralyzing fear.  Most of all my stomach and brain are always reeling because I don't know how much time I have left of my life. Do I have days, weeks, years?  How much longer will this torture continue?  Why was I chosen to to live life this way?  What did I do to deserve all of this pain and anguish.  I have/could ask these questions for years and never get a straight answer.  I try not to dwell on the questions anymore, like I used to, but those feelings still enter my mind regularly.  I no longer wallow in self pity, but I can most certainly get lost and become preoccupied by the "what ifs" and frustration of the situation.

I want to live a long full life.  I want to go back to the fun-loving, silly, and carefree days I used to enjoy.  I do have "good" days during this portion of my life.  Unfortunately they are few and far between, but I am a super lucky girl that I continue to have these joyful days!  They are a spectacular pick-me-up after endless treatments and time spent in the hospital.

Life, in general, is challenging for all of us (well most of us).  We never know what each new day will bring.  My motto is to find something to celebrate on everyday.  No matter how you choose to celebrate is in the "eye of the beholder".  It can be something small like splurging on a tasty treat, or going on a vacation!  We all need  a break from the daily grind from time-to-time.  Life is much too short to spend every second dealing with work and other various responsibilities.  Of course, those factors are important and need to be addressed, but we all need time to take a step back sometimes and decompress.  Guaranteed the mess, the stress, the frustration, the bills and any/all emotional hardships will still be there after taking a few moments to yourself, but taking the time to breath and relax for a few moments will vastly improve your well-being.  Allowing yourself to slow down a bit and regroup will also bring clarity and a calmer demeanor which, in turn, will provide for a more productive evening/weekend.  That also means you will have more time to spend with family and friends.  Nothing trumps quality time with loved ones.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

Each treatment I have, every time I get poked and prodded by needles, each scan performed, every awful drink (barium) I have had to choke down, and sporting the beauty of a hospital gown (or my moo-moo as I tend to call it) is all worth it.  As long as I can continue to making such joyful memories and life-long friendships, I will happily be a human pin cushion and a "regular" at the hospital.  

There is and elderly man at the cancer that tells me over and over again that I am like Norm from Cheers.  I make quite an entrance when I walk through those hospital doors and everyone knows Meg has arrived.  His name is Augustus, but everyone calls him Auggie.  It's such a heartwarming feeling when fellow patients are just as excited to see you as you are to them.  If I have time I stop and I'll swap stories with the adorable oldies before I head back for my treatments.  If I don't have time to chat I always make sure to walk by them and give them a wink and a smile.  They love it!  They are so stinkin' cute!!  I'm always all bubble when I walk into my treatment area.  The technicians, nurses and doctors used to always question why I looked so happy as I walked into my radiation session.  Now they all know it's because of my precious friends I see the minute I walk through the hospital doors.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

Life Lesson Learned

We have all heard at some point in our lives that "laughter is the best medicine". It's not that I don't currently believe that, or haven't believed it in the past.  I love to laugh and crack jokes.  In fact, being silly and "goofing" around is a common occurrence in my life.  It makes me happy to see others laughing and enjoying funny moments.  I also use humor as a defense mechanism when I am nervous, anxious, scared, in pain and/or feeling depressed.  It amazes me how quickly and successfully a hearty chuckle can increase one's mood.  A challenging and difficult situation can easily be turned into wonderful day instead of an unpleasant period of time with a little humor.  No pill, or other medication can relieve stress and tension quite like partaking in witty banter and/or innocent shenanigans.

Due to my health, it's obvious that I don't get out much.  My life consists of hospital visits, doctor's appointments, intense treatment schedules, and as much rest as possible.  Pretty boring, right?  I can testify with absolute certainty that it's not much of an existence.  I have often considered ending my own life.  Sometimes suicide seems like the best solution during this extremely difficult time in my life.  The burden I bestow upon my husband, my family, my friends, and my medical staff would be resolved.  I would no longer be the origin of stress and frustration in the lives of those I love, respect and admire.  Right now I am worthless and contribute nothing to the world and/or the lives of others.  It's sad, but true.

I was fortunate enough to recently attend a comedy show.  The comedian is a hilarious fella my husband and I thought would be super fun to see in person.  The tickets were reasonably priced, so my hubby and I splurged on a night out.  There are numerous fun activities and entertainment the hubs and I have be forced to miss due to the poor state of my health.  It was exhilarating to have a night out on the town with my love instead of being at home nursing one of my many ailments.

The show confirmed the popular adage that laughter is the BEST medicine!!  It was so refreshing to spend the night enjoying life instead of fearing it, worrying about all my medical problems, getting physically sick over the possibilities of what issues I might encounter during the course of the comedian's set, and passing on a delightful night out.  This time I refused to succumb to my illness and instead I embraced lovely night!

I let go of all my negative thoughts and ignored the pain to the best of my ability, in order to take a break from the constant depression and anxiety cancer has brought to my life.  I indulged and basked in hearty laughter, the company of other fans, and pushed my cancer aside for as long as I could.

It is beyond fantastic that humor is universal and can penetrate through even the most difficult struggles life throws at us.

It's a shame that comedy cannot cure any physical or mental illnesses, but it can lessen and potentially numb all of one's aches and pains for a period of time.  I would gladly trade stomach cramps, watery eyes and/or fatigued face muscles from smiling/laughing all day and every day to avoid the horrific side effects of cancer.

Doctors, nurses and other members of the medical field are extraordinarily valuable members of society.  They have chosen a noble and honorable profession.  I appreciate, commend, respect, and admire the men and women that treat and heal patients battling an array of medical obstacles and conditions.  Without the dedication of these men and women many people would be forced to suffer, agonize and endure an abundance of medical troubles.  I am so very grateful for said men and women.  They ease the physical pain and cure us of many health concerns.  I cannot express my deepest gratitude to the community of healthcare professionals for all of the services they provide.  Unfortunately being sick takes a toll on us not only physically, but mentally, as well.  That is why we must take care of our mental stability individually.  Laughter is therapeutic. It not only provides an escape from our worries and internal struggles, laughter brings joy to our hearts and restores the passion in our souls. Doctors and nurses can only do so much.  We have to find outside sources of healing in order to clear many medical "hurdles" we will encounter throughout our lives.  What is better than allocating time to spend with family and friends?  Sharing love and laughs is the best way I have found to rejuvenate the body and prepare for any situations that come our way.

In honor of one of most adorable, supportive and delightful ladies I have the pleasure of being a part of my life.  I am going to sign off with the mantra she always reminds me to live by...Laugh, Dance and Believe 

I will continue living by these words as long as possible my precious Sherry Zuhlke! xoxo

The Sunny Side of the Street

I have been pondering life and death more now than I ever have.  As many of you know, I am not afraid of death.  I have come to the understanding and have accepted that I will likely parish at a younger-ish age.  I already feel like a 90 year old woman most days. The pain is relentless, and sucks most of the life out of me. Please don't take this as a complaint. I know it could be worse. I have witness much worse.  It is heartbreaking to watch everyone around me suffering.  That is no way to avoid the inevitable, but just sitting around and waiting for death is wildly absurd and depressing.  The sadness and torture radiates through your family and friends.  Cancer is a wide spread disease.  Your loved ones are suffering right along side you.  The situation is a bit of a "Catch 22".  You want your family and friends enjoy their lives, but the envy is boiling over inside.  I can rarely muster up the strength to crawl out of bed each day only to go through a slue of tests, doctor's visits, treatments and procedures.  These past two months have been extraordinarily difficult.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I want to give up and "throw in the towel"...if you will.

My entire body hurts daily.  I become physically ill...i.e. The bubble guts, vomiting, fainting and extreme fatigue.  I cannot make plans further than one day in advance because I don't know what my health will spring on me at anytime.  I have ruined many nights for my husband and other family members, I have had to miss concerts/sporting events, I have had to cancel dinners with friends, I'm forced to be absent at vacations, forgo my plans of traveling and many, MANY other plans due to my health woes.  My spirit crushes each time I am unable attend such wonderful life events.  

I will be the first person standing up to badmouth and berate this horrible disease and all the the side effects of the entire cancer process.  I would gladly give up everything I own to be cancer-free.  I don't just want my cancer taken away, but all of the serious/deadly illnesses that affect millions of people everyday. We only have this ONE life to live. I want to make the most of time on this Earth, instead of struggling to just to "keep afloat".

I know I sound outlandishly bitter and like a royal pain in the bum, but I still remember the important things in life.  In fact, cancer has made me view life much clearer.  I know what my priorities are whom I want to be surrounded by.  Cancer has allowed me to strengthen those bonds, as well as, to cherish every moment of everyday.  The smallest gestures often express the most generosity.  

Be true to yourselves. Do not give into the "norm".  Follow your heart's desires.  We ALL deserve to be a part of guiding our destiny along our chosen path.  No matter which path you choose there will continue to be unexpected twist and turns. Without them life wouldn't be worth living. Every once in a while chaos snaps us back to reality. It keeps our heart's pumping and adrenaline coursing through our veins. Without a little spit-fire in our lives keeping us on our toes, life would become mundane and even boring.

This verse from one of my songs perfectly reflects what I feel.
 "Grab your coat and get your hat

Leave your worries on the doorstep

Life can be so sweet

On the sunny side of the street"

This quote also has so much meaning.

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” - Ansel Adams

Never lose that drive and energy that makes you excited for each new day.  You never know when a miracles may come true, or a prayer may be answered.  

Even when that water seems too deep..."Just Keep Swimming"

Simple acts of kidness

I recently met a new patient at the Cancer center.  He is very shy, anxious and extremely introverted.  All of the doctors and nurses have had trouble getting to know him, and finding a way to connect with him.  He has not made any friends with the other children, and gets frightened by the doctors and nurses.  He clings on to his parents and spends hours working through puzzle books.  He goes through them page after page without missing a beat.  One day he ran out of ink in his pen.  He was incredibly distraught. His parents were at work, and he refused to use a pen from the nurses station because he struggles with germ-a-phobia.  I could see the nervousness and unsettling feelings he was experiencing.  I have been in that situation more times than I have EVER wanted to be, or admit.  I knew he needed find his "safety net".  He needed a sense of familiarity.  Many times that is the most soothing form of treatment.  I know when I am on the verge of a panic attack I take out my phone as look at pictures of my boys(my fur-babies).  The adorable photos and memories that come with the pictures help me relax.  I knew that I needed to bring this boy the sense of familiarity and comfort back to him.

That day after my treatments I asked my medi-van driver if he could take me to the nearest art/book store.  I was on a mission to bring a smile to this young boy's face.  He has just begun undergoing difficult treatments, he's scared and confused by the entire process.  I couldn't let him sit there with tears running down his checks and succumbing to the terrible pains of cancer.  I had my driver take me to the store.  I scoured every aisle looking for similar puzzle boos, and adding a few new ones to the mix for him to try.  I also brought him a brand new pack of multicolored pens.  They were completely sanitary and he had an array of color choices. 

When I returned back to the children's hospital I found him in the same seat he was sitting in before I left for store.  He was now sitting motionless with his had down on the table.  I knew he was waiting for his parents to come visit him after work.  I was uncertain if I should wait for their arrival, but I couldn't watch this sad and lonely boy any longer.  I gently approached him and introduced myself.  I explained to him that I too was going through cancer treatments and I know how challenging they can be.  I then told him that I wanted to be there for him whenever he needed a friend.  At that point he lifted his head from the table and looked straight into my eyes.  He then said something unexpected and wise beyond his years.  He told me that the light in my eyes showed strength, integrity and determination.  He also told me that the "water"(tears) in my eyes showed compassion and undeniable love.  I was floored by the way he expressed himself and the remarkable insight this young boy possessed.  He then asked what I saw in his eyes.  I took a moment to analyze his stunningly gorgeous eyes.  I asked him if I could hold his hand.  He was reluctant at first, but I had gained some trust, so he gently placed his hand in mine.  I embraced his hand and gazed into his sparkling eyes.  I told him I saw innocence, bravery, fear, and hope in his eyes.  

We both began to tear up.  We had made an honest an irreversible bond in such a short time frame.  I have always been told that I have an old soul.  I was never sure exactly what that meant until I met Silas.  He opened up my eyes to a new stage of cancer and life in general.  He brought back the hope and will to continue fighting my cancer battle, not only for myself, but for everyone battling a life threatening illness and for all their loved ones.  We must live for the day, and do what makes us happy and escape the fact that we have cancer (at least for a while).  I'll be the first one to say that I have hit many rock bottoms during my cancer struggle, but I somehow find a way to crawl out and start anew.  

After having the heart-to-heart with Silas, I brought out his surprise.  I gave him tools to use to express himself through art.  I brought him a bunch of new puzzle books, and a brand new packs of uncontaminated pens, colored pencils and crayons.  He was elated!  A simple gesture brightened his day.  I now restock his activity books every few weeks.  Seeing the smile on his face continues to melt my heart.  Every moment with him is unforgettable and an exceptionally rewarding gift.

Silas is very introverted and has difficultly talking to anyone but his immediate family.  Recently, he has let me in a little bit at a time.  He has short conversations with me and never hesitates to asks me to help him when he gets stuck on a problem in his puzzle books.  He even has given me a couple hugs along our friendship journey.  Giving me hugs was a huge accomplished for him.  I am beyond lucky to have been able break through his tough facade and get to know him on a more personal level.

Getting through to him has changed my life and warmed my heart.  It all starts with random acts of kindness. We all have the capacity within us to brighten someone's day.  Share the love!

The girl behind the mask

The pain...it hurts

I wish I could say I am okay

But that would be a lie

I am too tired to function properly

I struggle through each day...

Some days I resort to wishing for death

I feel so alone most of the time

I feel like no one understands

I am broken inside

I barely even have the will to live

I no longer have control of my life

Cancer dictates my every move

So, I put on a brave face

In my mask...I can hide.

At least for a while...