We all go through life somewhat blindfolded. We cannot predict what the present day, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even what next year has in store of us. We do our bests to make plans, schedules and organized the future as much a possible, but we never have complete control of our lives. Whether you believe in God, or another form of higher power guides us through life, we can't avoid the unexpected. Bad news and difficult days are unavoidable. On the other hand, some of the most wonderful days happen without any warning. I am not sure if I believe in a higher power, but I do believe in fate. I have faith and hold myself to a high moral standard. My faith comes from those around me. They way my parents raised me, the amazing relationships I have with my extended family, and the wonderful friends I have met along my life journey is my form of religion. I learn from my successes and my mistakes, as well as, gain knowledge from the highs and lows my friends and family have endured. I also think the loves ones in my life that have passed on before me surround me with their strength and courage. That may sound completely crazy to some people, but the thought of the ones I love so dearly looking out for me keeps me going and fighting everyday.
Throughout my entire cancer battle I have been asked if I think I'm going to die. I've also been asked numerous times if I am afraid of death. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am in fear of death. I struggle the most with the fact that my life will likely end before I am ready to go. At times my mind becomes completely consumed by the possibility of my life being cut short. I have arduous time coping with probability that I will die at a young age. At 29 I should be thriving. I should have a career and a family of my own, or at least be starting to have children. The option to have biological children has been taken away from me, and we could not bring a baby into a home with sick mother. It wouldn't be fair to the little one. We could not financially support a child with all of my medical expenses. I feel like a failure as a wife, a daughter and a sister. I will never be able to give my husband a child, my parents a grandchild, or my sister a niece/nephew. It breaks my heart.
I will pursue every option presented to me in order to beat this horrific disease. I must admit there are many more times that my body feels like it no longer has the vitality and energy to keep going. The treatments leave me feeling more drained and depleted than ever before. Does this mean the end is near? Is my body telling me it can no longer tolerate the treatments? My body is telling me one thing while my mind is saying another.
There are so many more things I want to do, see, explore, learn, and discover before my time is up. I would love to travel the world, muster the courage to perform a comedic act at an open mic night, taste exotic cuisine from many different regions, and watch the sunset/sunrise over the ocean while feeling the sand in my toes and the cool ocean breezes. I desperately want to experience all of these things, but right now they out of reach due to my health. Above everything else, I'm not ready to part ways with my incredible family, friends, and fur babies. As an adult, my relationships with my family and friends have so much more depth and meaning. I have met and formed bonds with so many lovely people as I have aged. I could sit and talk with them for hours on end. I have also realized who my true friends are. These friends have are more than just buddies, they have become family. Nothing can break connections that strong.
I understand that death is ultimately a part of life. I have been told, and I'm beginning to believe that my departure will be sooner rather than later. That is an extremely heavy burden to hold. I'm am overwhelmed by the thought of my life ending before I am prepared to go. I am terrified to leave an unfinished life behind. Another important factor is being able express my love and gratitude to my loved one. I don't want to die before sharing my immense appreciation to the fantastic people in my life. I also don't want to have these conversations prematurely. That would be morbid and awkward. I guess the most pressing question is how do I say goodbye? Sidebar...I hope all of you that grew up in the 90s or loved Boys II Men are reciting the lyrics to "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" right now. I totally am! Sorry, that was super random, but I had to mention it. I want to be able to say goodbye to all the fabulous people in my life, but when is the right time? Is there an appropriate time to bid adieu? The last thing I want to do is have a gruesome and/or pessimistic conversation with the most important people in my life, but I want them all to know how they have changed my life in the most remarkable ways!
I want to take the time to thank all of you lovely people for reading my blog. My stories are completely random and all over the board, but that's my life. I am so grateful to each and every one of you for taking the time to read my kooky life adventures! You will never know how much it means to me.
I have inserted the Boys II Men lyrics for a little reminiscing!
How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
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