Why?

In the past two months, I have witnessed four cancer deaths.  Three of the deceased are young children.  The sadness runs deeper than that I have ever known.  I cannot find the words to express the torturous pain I'm feeling.  All I can say is that...it's just not fair!  Why does this have to happen?  Why does cancer have to enter our lives, and inflict so much agony upon us?  WHY????

This is a question that can never truly be answered.  No doctor, nurse, family member, or friend can tell us why cancer has to disrupt our lives.  Cancer comes without warning, and all too often takes loved ones away before we are ready to say goodbye.  There is no rhyme, or reason to it's destructive path.  There will be no comfort, no closure until there is a cure.

The one aspect, I find most troubling about cancer is it's pure randomness.  Why does a cancer diagnosis in one person result in imminent death, but results in remission in another?  Why does cancer spread to other parts of the body in person "A", but remains localized in person "B"?  I'm sure that these questions plague many cancer patients, and the family members of loved ones with cancer. The one question that I ponder the most, might be the question that sets me apart from others with cancer.  It is all to common to ask, Why me?  The answer I want to know is, Why not me?

I would give my life, for the life of one those children, that cancer stole.  It is unfair that such a horrible illness has to take the life of a young child.  That little boy, or girl had so much love, compassion, creativity, knowledge, and life to share.  Why did they get ripped away from their future?  Why I am still alive instead of one of these children?

I have seen cancer take the life of too many people days, weeks, or months after diagnosis.  These people completed all of their treatments, taken all of their medications, and followed their doctor's orders to without fail, yet cancer still took their lives.  Why didn't they go into remission?  Why did they have to die?

I am a terrible patient.  I talk back, I make my own schedule, I sometimes follow my doctor's orders, and yet, I continue on.  I'm still alive.  Alive, and continually fighting this awful disease.  Cancer has uprooted my life, and the lives of those around me for almost five years.  We have dealt with enormous hurdles, physical and emotional struggles, countless frustrations, and more pain than happiness, yet I'm still here.  Why hasn't cancer claimed my life?

There is no clear answer to why.  I have racked my brain, questioned every doctor, endlessly asked my family, but no one can tell me why.  I have come to the realization that I might not ever know why cancer takes some people, and not others.  I have found comfort knowing that it is not yet my time.  I will continue along my life's path, trying not to skew too far off course, and to live only that in which I know to be true.

Live, Laugh, Love