As my ten year high school reunion nears, I can't helped by reflect upon my life since graduation. Whew, I cannot believe it has been ten years already! That is a lot to take in! The fact that we are all getting older doesn't bother me. I believe that we get better as we age. I am, however, floored by how quickly the years flew by. In many ways I still feel like that 18 year old girl excited, and filled with anxiety about the future. On the other hand, I feel like a 90 year old woman who is bruised, and broken. The past ten years have been a wild ride, to say the least.
I think it's safe to say that I did not live the "typical" life of a girl in her twenties. I am not complaining. I have no huge regrets to this date, but I do wish I could have spent more nights puking as a result of excess drinking rather than from serious health issues. That is a wildly ridiculous wish, but it is my truth. I don't feel cheated from a "normal" college, or young adult experience. I attended my fair share of parties, made many irrational decisions, and have plenty of embarrassing memories in my arsenal. I also harbor a wealth of jealousy to all of you who had the opportunity to live your twenties footloose, and carefree. That makes me sound like a bitter old hag, but again that is the truth that surges inside of me. On occasion, I allow myself a small amount of pity for the adventures, and adolescence behavior I missed out on. I refuse to dwell for too long on what I thought my twenties would be like. Instead, I choose to reminisce about all the wonderful experiences I may not have encountered if I followed the path I mapped out for future after high school. Surprises and uncertainty quickly grounded me. Cancer forced me to slow down. It showed me the importance of living for today instead of living in a transitional state. Cancer allowed me to fully appreciate the people, and the places around me. I am unsure if I would have made as many meaningful relationships in my life without being blindsided by cancer. I think a part of me has always known that my life would be a roller-coaster. I never fit the "typical" mold.
I remember when I was in second grade. We were given the task to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I was super excited about this particular assignment. I knew immediately what I wanted to be, and exactly how I would draw it. The teacher handed out blank pieces of paper. I was giddy with anticipation. I watched my fellow students pass the paper down rows until finally receiving the pristine white sheet for myself. I had all of my colored pencils lined up on my desk. The tip of the pencil could not touch the paper fast enough. I was in the zone. I used the entire thirty minutes to sketch my masterpiece. The teacher collected the sheets when time was called. She ushered us out to recess, and informed us that she would be looking over our drawings while we were outside. She also told us that she was going to pick the top five to share with the rest of the class. I was sure I was going to be one of the top five. I was confident I picked the best job, and my picture was immaculate. I stewed with excitement all through recess. Then, the time came. We were back in the classroom, and my teacher began calling off the names of the top five pictures. I was completely devastated after realizing she was not going to call my name. I sat in disbelief, and utter confusion as the "special" five explained their drawings and career choices. I was crushed, and I'm positive you could read it all over my face. After the presentations, the teacher returned the reject depictions to the rest of us. As she handed the paper back to me, I could see a large red mark in the middle of my masterpiece. Once the sheet was in my hand I could read the writing. It was stamped with the word REDO! Underneath the bold red REDO, it said to see her after class. I was overwhelmed by sadness and fear. None of the other students had received such awful feedback on their drawings. I dreaded facing my teacher at the end of the day. When the time came, I waited for my fellow classmates to shuffle out of the room. I sat in my desk with my head down until all of the children were gone. When the cost was clear, I approached my teacher about the assignment. She told me matter-of-factly that being a cheerleader was not a real job. I had to pick a "real" career, and redo the assignment. She went on to explain that I wouldn't be docked any points if I brought it to her first thing in the morning. I was furious! I put all my effort into that picture. When I returned home, I promptly started my homework, leaving my redo assignment until last. I was still angry that I had to draw another picture, so I quickly sketched a picture of a lawyer. I used one color, and left it very simple. It was nothing compared to the beautiful art piece I created earlier in the day. As soon as I arrived at school the next day, I headed straight to my classroom. My teacher wasn't in the room, so I left the paper on her desk. The morning went on like any other day. When it came time for recess, the teacher asked me to hang back for a minute. I did as I was told, and waited for my classmates to clear out. My teacher thanked me for redoing the assignment as asked. I got full credit for completing it before school started. The only comment she had for me was that the giant frown I drew on the face of me as a future lawyer was unnecessary. I've always had a bit of flair for the dramatic....
It is important to have a direction in life, but don't put blinders on to the world outside of your goal. Life doesn't always pan out the way we plan. In fact, the best things in life usually enter when we aren't looking. Being faced with difficult diagnosis, and a multitude of daily obstacles, I have realized that life is truly about the connections we make. Memories are made when we embrace the people and places in our lives. The best lesson I have learned over these past ten years is to push forward to the goals we set in life, but to remember that life is honestly about the journey. The destination will remain the same. Take the time to explore. You never know what you might find.
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