I think I'm a pretty smart person. I went through school...I did all my book learning. ;) I thought I knew what life had in store for me. I thought I could clearly see my path ahead of me. I was ready to follow it. I was ready to be completely independent and in charge of my own destiny, but life lead me down another path. This path being filled with many peaks and valleys, as well as, a lot of bumpy roads. Many times I wanted to just end it all. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about giving into my illness and saying goodbye to the world. There have been nights when I have had the pill bottle in my hand, ready to take them all, go to sleep, and just not wake up. I thought that would be my way out. I thought this would make it easier on everyone. We have been going through this for too long. It's time for me to give up. I thought I figured out the answer to this mysterious puzzle. I was going to kill myself.
I don't want you all to think I gave into that decision lightly. I have been in and out of hospitals since I was 18, when I got my gall bladder out. That surgery just sparked everything and my body hasn't been the same since. I have been to over 25 hospitals and cancer centers, I have had over 60 surgeries/procedures, and I have seen over 100 doctors. I was at my wits end, to say the least. I felt I didn't have a life, at least not a life worth living. My only option was suicide. That was the only thing clear in my mind at that point.
Every time I finally thought this was the night I'm going to do it. Tonight will be my last night on earth, I always thought of my amazing family and incredible friends. My mom and dad's faces came to mind. I could hear my sister's voice telling me I can't give up. I thought to myself, what will they think about me just quitting the fight and succumbing to my cancer? They have been right there beside me through this whole ordeal. They have been fighting just as hard, and just as long as I have been. They aren't giving up. Why should I? I also thought of my wonderful husband. He's never walked away from the difficulties we've endured. He always remains so positive and sees me beyond my cancer. He sees the "real" me. I can't give up. I can't quit when everyone around me is supporting me and helping me through every step of the way. Every single time I thought about forgetting about it all and letting my cancer win, I put those pills down. I have too much to live for. I have fight left in me.
I am not trying to preach to anyone, or tell anyone how to live their lives. I just want you all to take a look at what you have right in front of you. Tell your family and friends that you love them. Don't be afraid to let your emotions show, or ask for help when you're feeling low. Friends and family will always be there to pick you up. I promise, they won't let you down. In turn, do the same for them. Help them through hard times, even if you're going through your own struggles, they will return the favor.
I wouldn't be here today with out my outstanding family and truly wonderful friends. I thought I had to keep all of my health issues to myself, so that I didn't burden those around me. Always remember that your family and friends are around you because they want to be. They choose to be around you. Let them in, and help them along their paths. The reward will be plentiful.
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