Highs and Lows

We all go through life experiencing highs and lows.  That's a given.  Sometimes the highs can be something so simple, like a hug from an old friend.  They can also be something more extravagant, like getting married or winning the lottery(wouldn't that be nice).  The lows can follow the same trend.  It's important to appreciate the highs and learn from the low points life throws at us.

My biggest struggle lately has been coping with not being able to have children and experience pregnancy.  Halloween is approaching.  I go to the stores and see all the cute costumes and the children running around excited for trick-or-treating.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever have a child to take trick-or-treating.  Not to mention, it seems like all of my friends are having babies.  Some of them are on their second, or third child. I see all of the statuses and pictures they post on Facebook.  I am so happy for them, but inside I'm saddened by the thought of not having the chance to go through pregnancy.

I think it is more difficult to deal with the lows that have stripped you of something you thought was a "sure thing".  When I pictured my future I always assumed I'd get married and have children.  That was just the way life would be.  I never even thought about having that chance taken away from me.  I didn't have much of a choice in the matter.  I could forgo surgery, and hope that tumors would go away and not spread, or I could have surgery and know those tumors were gone.  It was pretty much a no-brainer.  My husband put it best when he said that we could try to have a baby, and the outcome could be worse.  I could possibly get pregnant, but during the process one of us or both of us could die.  The risks were just too high.

I know there are so many children in the world who need good homes.  Jeff and I hope to be able to adopt a child one day.  I just can't help feeling sad about not being able to carry a child myself.  I feel like a failure.  So many people can have children so easily, but I can't.  I can give my husband a family.  I will be honest, it makes me angry.  I feel like so many things have been taken away from me because of my health.  I've learned to deal with that.  I know I haven't had the life of a "normal" person in their 20's.  I know I will have life long issues to contend with as a result of the cancer and other medical issues.  I've come to terms with all of those things.  I still struggle with the fact that I will never be able to make a family for Jeff.  I have taken that opportunity away from him.  It makes my heart ache.

Jeff has never once said anything negative about the decision to have the hysterectomy and remove the tumors.  He is has always been positive.  He continually reassures me that it was the right thing to do, and we can adopt when we are ready.  I smile and agree, but in the back of my mind there are so many thoughts running around.  I wonder if he is just telling me these things to make me feel better about the situation?  Does he really have feelings that run deeper?  Does he resent me for having the surgery?  Does he wish he made the choice to walk away when this all started?  I don't blame him if he does have those thoughts.  We can be as positive as we want to be, but the truth is we may never be able to have child.  Adoption is expensive, and are never 100% guaranteed.  The thought of never being a mom, and never seeing my husband be a dad(because I know he will be an amazing father) scares me.

I am envious of the women who are able to bring a life into this world.  I have to continue thinking that someday Jeff and I will be parents.  I have to remember that with every low, a high is soon to follow.