It's hard to feel pretty

I have gone through many of ups and downs along this journey, that is, my life.  I am so happy for all the good times, and proud of myself for getting through the tough times.  There is one area, in which, I still struggle on a daily basis.  When I look in the mirror, I see a sick person.  It's difficult for me to see Meg.  I focus on all of the flaws, and changes that my body has gone through over the years.  Most days I'm embarrassed to go outside because of the way I look, and the way I feel.

I was a bit of a tomboy growing up.  I liked to play sports and didn't really care about the type of clothes I wore, or how my hair looked.  I remember that all changed when I entered in eighth grade.  Obviously, my body was changing.  I began getting into make-up, different hairstyles, and I started to care more about my clothing choices.  I was never a super glamorous person, or do I feel like I was ever "over-the-top" with my style.  I just wanted to look "nice".  I wanted to feel good about the way I looked.  I wanted people to see that I put in the effort to look pretty.  Over the years I became comfortable with the way I looked, and the process it took to look that way.  I can remember so many instances when my parents, or my friends would yell at me for taking so long to get ready.  I never went anywhere without make-up, or my hair fixed to what I thought was perfection.  I'll be the first to say that I was very insecure.  I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I was only comfortable as this made up version of myself.

Since being diagnosed with cancer I have changed a great deal regarding the way I look.  I have gone through many different weight changes.  I have gone through through the gamut of hairstyles due to hair loss, and changes with the strength and texture of my hair.  I have dealt with many new, and strange body issues.  I have had many changes in my skin.  Medications have changed the way I look and feel.  I have experienced a lot of issues regarding the way things feel, smell, and taste.  These things have all affected my day-to-day life.  Not to mention that I vomit as much as twenty times as day.  It's difficult to feel pretty, or to maintain perfect make-up and hairstyles when I'm vomitting so often throughout each day.  All of these changes were very depressing to me.  I felt like I lost control over my own body.  I never felt pretty.  I was disgusted with the way I looked.  I was also terrified that my husband would be embarrassed by the way I looked, and would never want to be seen in public with me.  He has never once told me that I look ugly, or that he is embarrassed to be around me because of the way I look(he's probably embarrassed to be around my for many other reasons though...haha).

Jeff and I got married while I was undergoing cancer treatments.  I was so fearful that I would look horrendous on my wedding day.  I remember that I cried at every dress fitting I had because I felt so ugly.  I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do about the way I looked.  I wasn't allowed to workout because it was too strenuous.  My skin was being effected by all of the medications.  The only thing I could do was delay my chemotherapy until after the wedding.  I wanted to have my own long hair on my wedding day.  I still had trouble feeling beautiful, even on that very special day.

It has been two and a half years, and I'm still uncomfortable with the way I look.  I am so fortunate to have an amazing husband who always tells me I'm beautiful, even when I know I'm a hot mess!  I have come to terms with a lot of the issues that have presented themselves to me during this time.  I realize now that I have to deal with effects my disease and treatments.  I can't change them, so I have to live with them.  I am much more comfortable being "natural".  I don't wear make-up often, I wear glasses everyday, and 9 out of 10 days my hair is in a ponytail(that is when I have hair long enough to put up).  I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I believe that my inner beauty is outshining my outer beauty.  I am letting my personality define how I "look" to those around me.  As long as I have a smile on my face I feel beautiful.

We all go through changes in our outward appearance.  Pregnancy, illness, weight gain, weight loss, acne, etc.  All of these things are going to effect the way we think about ourselves and our bodies.  Don't let little things thing take away from the type of person you are.  I was becoming a depressed, and sad person because of the way I looked.  That is not the person I am.  I am happy and cheerful 99% of the time.  I had to let that shine through.  I had to stop worrying about the way I looked on the outside.  I can't control those factors right now.  I can't let them change the person I am.  I like the person I am no matter what type of package it comes in.  Be proud of who you are.  We all need to love ourselves as we go through the many changes life has in store of us.