A little bit of history

I don't think I will typically be posting twice in one day, but I was thinking that I should provide a little bit of a back story.  So, here it goes.

I was diagnosed with cancer in April 2009.  At first my diagnosis was cervical cancer.  I was terrified to hear the word cancer come out of my doctor's mouth!  I immediately had every awful thought run through my head.  I thought for sure that it meant I was going to die.  I was ready to say my goodbyes and throw in the towel.  My doc calmed me down and said that with surgery and treatment I would beat this and go on to live a normal life.  Ha!! That didn't happen!  As the doctors began running more test and finding more issues.  The diagnosis was no longer just cervical cancer.  The treatment was no longer just a quick surgery and a round of radiation.  Ugh!  I had no idea what to think or feel.  I was pretty new to Arizona.  All my friends and family were in WI, or scattered in other areas of the country.  I had just started dating a new guy(my now husband-so cute I know!).  I didn't know what to do.  By the time all of my tests and doctor's appointments were done I was exhausted!  Little did I know, that would be the "easy" part.  My final diagnosis was a rare form of cancer with tumors that were attacking multiple organs. OMG!!!  How do you process information like that?  I didn't know how to deal with it.  I didn't even cry.  I was in complete shock!  I drove back to my house(that I was sharing with two roommates), and I hid in my room.  I couldn't even get up the nerve to call my parents, my sister, or any of my friends.  I just sat on my bed and stared at the wall.  What was going to happen to me?  Am I strong enough to fight this?  Should I move back home?  Should I stay here?  There were so many questions without any answers.

I finally got the nerve up to call my parents.  My mom answered and I said "mom, I have cancer".  I can still hear that whole conversation as I sit here typing.  She began to cry and she said "what are you thinking"?  I said nothing.  I couldn't speak.  I was(for the first time ever) at a complete loss for words.  I still wasn't crying over my final diagnosis.  I was thinking...what is wrong with me?  You just got a horrible diagnosis and you're feeling nothing!  You must be crazy!  It's happened, you've finally just lost it! I did eventually cry over the news that I had gotten.

Like I said, I had just started dating a new guy.  We had only been on a few dates, but I was quite smitten with him.  I didn't want to lose him, but I knew I would after telling him about my health issues.  I didn't have the courage to call him, so I text him(lame I know, but I was so afraid of his response).  I told him that I had cancer and that I totally understood if he wanted to end our relationship.  He completely shocked me when he said he didn't want to walk away from what we had.  He knew that there was something special between us.  That was the first time I cried after receiving such awful news.  I knew that I wasn't going to be going through this alone.  My family and friends were all there for me.

After many conversations with my doctors and family, we decided it would be best for me to stay in AZ.  There were better treatment facilities out here for me, and I now knew I wouldn't be alone.  Jeff(my now husband) promised to helped me through this.  My family and friends have been helping me through every twist and turn this crazy journey throws at me.  I cannot thank them enough!

I have been battling this cancer for two and a half years now.  Some days are horrible and other aren't so bad.  My tumors have come and gone and come back again.  I have tried many different types of medication and treatments.  I have learned that keeping a smile on my face and being surrounded by the ones I love is what is going to get me through this.

Many of the nurses, doctors and other patients ask how I can keep a smile on my face everyday.  Most of the time I tell them they are crazy, because there are a lot of days it's hard to put that smile on.  I have made the decision to make this part of my life a positive one.  I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself,  blaming anyone and everything, and feeling like a victim.  I tell those people who ask me why I have a smile of my face that it is because of them.  I have a smile because they are fighting to find a cure or treatment that will work for me, they are providing me the health care that I need and most importantly my fellow patients, family and friends are giving me the strength to fight this!  I am no longer fighting this just for me, I'm fighting for everyone in my life.  You all give me the courage to say, I'm going to beat this!