Set Free

My emotions and anxiety have been running on high since receiving a new cancer diagnosis two weeks ago. I am stuck in a state of disbelief, frustration, shock, and sadness. I never would have guessed that after four years of fighting one type of cancer, I would be told that a new type of cancer has emerged. If that wasn't already a tough pill to swallow, I was told that it looks like I was misdiagnosed months before. Needless to say, I am still trying to digest all of this new information. If I would have known that the result of fighting one type of cancer would be the diagnosis of a new cancer, I might have chosen a different path four years ago. I would have chosen a easier path for those closest to me. They have been put through so much because the decisions I have made regarding my healthcare. I wish I wasn't such a burden to all the incredible people in my life. I am more than aware that medicine is unpredictable, and often times hard to understand. One can go crazy trying to figure out why and how this happened. Believe me, I have spent countless hours trying to understand why this heavy burden has been placed on me. I have blamed myself for years. I must not have taken good enough care of my body, or I must have done something horrible in my past that I am being punished for. My mind reels as I try to figure out why this is all happening to me. I have yet to come up with a clear answer to this on-going question. I continually try to stay strong through everything. I walk into he hospital everyday with a smile on my face even though I'm crying inside. I push through all the tests, treatments, and surgeries. I try my hardest not to complain, scream, or give into the pain, but behind closed doors I am breaking. The tears flow everyday. I can't remember the last day I went without crying. The breakdowns are no longer just about the pain, but about the loss of hope. It doesn't help that I am constantly being passed around from doctor to doctor. Each doctor has their own thoughts about my "case". The comment I hear most is that my chart is too complex for each new doctor who reads the notes of past oncologists. Once again I get passed on to another physician. Being referred to just a "case" doesn't help boost my morale. If the doctors won't fight for me, why should I keep fighting? Lately I have just wanted to be set free from it all. I live my life as a prisoner to my health. I have never been one to give up, but is it considered giving up after fighting for so long? I will not only be setting myself free from cancer, but I will be setting my family and friends free from the burdens they acquired from dealing with my health issues. Is it better to go out on my terms, or should I wait until my body can no longer go on?