I wish I knew...

I love volunteering at children's hospitals, and on the children's floors, but I have to admit that the feeling is very bittersweet. Once I leave for the day, the same thought comes to mind. Will I ever be a mother? I am emotionally ready to have a child, but at this point in our lives we could not bring a baby into the mix. Jeff is working up the ranks in the golf industry, which doesn't provide a typical work schedule. My health is always a concern as well. I would never want to bring a baby into our hectic lifestyle. I only wish I knew if I will on day be called mommy. The hardest part is knowing that even if my health does improve, and we become more stable in our lifestyle, I will still not be able to give my husband a child. Cancer took away the chance of me ever getting pregnant. Adoption or surrogacy are our only options. What if no wants to help us when the time is right? We've already had a rocky road, and we only entering our thirties. I can't imagine we will ever be on the top of any adoption list. I know there are many women out there who have similar complications becoming a mother. I am not trying to take away from their pain and frustrations in any way. I can usually reason with myself and the life that has been handed to me. I have been dealing with my cancer for four years. I have come to terms with it. I won't ever fully understand why I have been afflicted by such a horrible illness, but I face it head-on each, and every day. I was told almost three years ago that a hysterectomy was necessary. Ever since then I have mourned a loss in my life. I don't know if that void will ever be filled. That is a wound that keeps getting deeper, and a hurt that never goes away.