Choices

I frequently get asked how I maintain a positive attitude since getting my cancer diagnosis four years ago.  In fact, I was asked three times at treatment today.  A little secret...I'm not always positive.  Okay, that's probably not much of a secret.  Through my blog, and personal interactions, I know most of the people in my life have seen me upset.  No one can be happy and positive ALL the time.  I might just have a backwards approach when it comes to my health.

In general, the patients and nurses at the hospital are pretty grumpy when going through treatments.  Understandably so.  The treatments are painful, time consuming, and leave you with a host of awful side effects.  Most patients get very emotional while being pumped full of chemo, or zapped by radiation therapies.  Some of these processes can take hours.  It's a lot for one person to handle.  More often than not, patients take out their aggression on the nurses and technicians.  I remember coming home in tears everyday when I went through my first course of treatments.  I thought crying, or becoming angry in front of my doctors would make me look weak, and they would give up on me.  Instead of letting my emotions out, I kept them bottled up.  I feel like I am inconveniencing the hospital staff if I let my emotions get in the way.  My husband always tells me I'm probably the most apologetic patient most doctors and nurses have ever encountered.  Instead of letting my frustrations out at the hospital, they come out when I get home.  My poor husband has to deal with all my meltdowns.  My parents have also gotten their share of phone calls, at all hours of the night, with me crying hysterically on the other end.  I am definitely not positive in those moments.

I think that I have a positive outlook because I have learned how to channel my energy.  How awful would it be to be Grumpy McGrumperson 24/7 for four years?  There is a quote by Jean Nidetch that has truly impacted the way I live my life.  "It's choice, not chance, that determines your destiny".  I have chosen to only focus on the things in life that make me happy, especially when I'm at the hospital. Taking the time to get to know fellow patients and hospital staff helps me get through everyday challenges.  We can lean on each other when times are tougher than usual, or when we just need someone to talk to.  I chose to be the person that others can come to when they need a shoulder to cry on.  This is particularly relevant when it comes to the children fighting such horrible illnesses.  Their families are going through so many struggles, and wealth of hurt themselves, that sometimes they forget sometimes all their child needs is their mommy, or daddy to tell them everything is going to be okay.  They are so focused on the finding the best medications, and treatment options to heal them, they forget how important it is to provide the same parent/child relationship that they would get outside of the hospital.  I am in no way implying that the parents of these children are doing any wrong by their child.  I see how much love and support surround the children I visit.  I just try to give the children, and other patients of all ages another outlet to voice their feelings.

As I was explaining this to one of the nurses that asked about my positive attitude, she looked at me with strange facial expression.  I asked her what the face was about.  She proceeded to tell me that taking on the problems of others sounds like a heavy burden to carry.  I told her that I couldn't disagree more.  To me, a burden is something placed upon you.  I open my arms and heart to these people because helping them through such hard times brings joy to my life.  We are both benefiting from the friendships and bonds.  Our parents, siblings, significant others and friends can't always be with us during treatments.  I just want the people around me to know that they aren't going through this alone.  I will be their strength when they feel weak.  I can be that person for them because I have such a strong support system around me.  Many of the patients I encounter daily don't have the abundance of support I have helping me through each day.  I know what it's like to feel all alone in a room full of people.  I don't want anyone to experience that feeling if they don't have to.  I can be there to hold their hand, or give them a hug.  I can be their sounding board, and their unrivaled support when they have nowhere else to turn.

Cancer has brought on a slew of difficulties to my life, and the lives of my family.  Physical struggles, emotional hardships, and extreme financial challenges have to be addressed on a daily basis.  I try not to dwell on how hard life can be.  I choose to make laughter and love the focus of my life, not my illness.  I have to credit cancer for making me a stronger and more independent person.  It has also shown me the things in life that are truly important to me.  The unconditional love that my family and friends show me, and the hope of a new day keep me motivated to beat cancer!  With each bad day comes a good day.  Forget about the bad, and cherish every good.