Madeline

One of the little girls at the hospital asked a question today that completely caught me off guard. She asked me "What does happiness feel like?" Initially I was speechless. I was surprised that this young girl asked such a serious question. She went on to say that she doesn't think she has ever felt happiness. A little background about Madeline. She is nine years old. She was born with a rare form of leukemia. She has been in and out of hospitals her entire life. Her family has taken her to numerous different facilities in multiple states, in hopes of finding a treatment that works. They have been back in Tennessee for about a year. Most of their family and friends live in this area, so her parents thought this would be the best place to settle down. They also have two other children they wanted to establish roots for. I sat on the edge of Madeline's bed, and took her hand in mine. I looked into her eyes. I could see the fear and sadness hiding within them. I asked her what she meant. She told me that everyone around her is always sad. She said that her mom and dad always cry when then are with her, and she barely ever gets to see her brothers. Her brothers are afraid of the hospital, so her parents rarely bring them to visit her anymore. She began to cry, and said that she was the reason why her family is so sad. I couldn't hold back any longer. I felt the tears roll down my cheek. I was crushed by this sweet little girls words, and the pain she has endured. I pulled myself together, and told her than I'm sure she has felt happiness. I asked her about Christmas, and her birthday. I asked her how she felt when she was with her family, and opening gifts with them. She said it was fun, but she still always felt sad. I asked her to remember a day that she laughed more than she cried. I asked her to remember a day that she woke up with a smile on her face, and went to sleep still having a smile on her face. What she told me blew me away. She told me that the only day like that she could remember was a few weeks ago when I first came to her hospital room and read to her. She explained to me that was the first day she forgot that she was sick. We read book after book that morning. I remember thinking to myself how much this adorable little girl enjoyed listening to me read to her. She pointed out things in the pictures I wouldn't have noticed myself. She also always wanted to be the one to turn the page. By the third book, she was reading along with me. I didn't want to leave her room, but I had to go to my treatment. The only thoughts in my mind during my treatment were of Maddie. I got out a pen and a piece of paper. I wrote her a poem that she could read anytime she wanted. Normally I go straight home after my treatment therapies, but that day I asked my medi-van driver if he would swing by the Children's Hospital on our way back to my apartment. The driver honored my request, and we headed to see Madeline. I got to her room just as she was settling in for a nap. I whispered to her that I wrote her a poem. She took the piece of paper from my hand. She held it against her chest and drifted to sleep. The next day when I went to see her she thanked me for the poem. We didn't talk about it much after that. I have written her a few poems since then. I see that she keeps them in her nightstand, but I thought that was the extent of her connection to the poems. Today she told me that she feels happy when she reads the poems I have written for her. She said that my poems always bring a smile to her face. Maddie told me that when she feels sad, or alone she reads the poems to make her feel better. Lastly, Madeline told me that if she gets better, she wants to be a writer just like me, so she can make people feel the happiness that I have brought to her. My heart melted in that moment. I took her in my arms, and held her close. The only words I could get out were...when you get better Maddie, when. I haven't been able to think about anything else but Madeline today. I truly believe it is the small things in the life that make the biggest impact in the lives of others. Maddie has taught me that no matter how big, or small a gesture is, it is worth the effort. You could change a person's life and not even know it. Madeline has forever changed my life.