Meg...not just the "sick girl"

We all encounter many challenges in life. Sometimes life just isn't fair. I never would have thought at 28 years old I would receive a new cancer diagnosis after battling the disease for four years. It's difficult to remember what a "normal" life feels like. Most days I feel like a child. I still need to be need to be supervised, as if I am 8 years old...not 28. I am unable to drive, but on occasion I do, just to remember how it feels. Shh...don't tell. I am unable to be left unattended overnight, or in public because of my fainting spells. I learned that the hard way, figuratively and literally. I have cracked my head open numerous times, and have fainted in public more that I would like to admit. The funny thing about fainting in public is that most people believe a diet coke is a cure all. I can't tell you how many free diet cokes I have gotten after passing out. Random, but true. Generally the fainting is a result of excessive puking. Sorry to be gross. I cannot remember the last time I went a day without throwing up. Let me tell you, throwing up in a public facility is pretty disgusting. I honestly don't think there is a Target store that I haven't puked in. Yuck!

Out of all the challenges cancer has presented me with, the physical changes have been the most difficult to deal with. I've lost hair, and it has grown back with different strength and texture. I have had numerous body and skin changes. Most days I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. The lost of control has been hellacious. My weight constantly changes due to medications, bloating, tumor size, eating difficulties and restrictions, and being constantly hooked up to an IV. I have also encountered many environmental changes. The weather, and what gets kicked up in the air really affects my health. Another annoying side effect of cancer is sensitivity to clothing and make-up. The feeling of denim and other materials makes my skin crawl. I can pretty much only wear cotton. Most make-up products cause me rashes and skin irritabilities, so I have to go au-natural. I'm not saying that the natural look is bad. It's a lot quicker and easier. I do, however, find it difficult to feel pretty. The last day I felt pretty was almost three years ago on my wedding day.  Since then I have lost who I am.

Most days I feel as though I am just Jeff's sick wife, or Kevin and Sandy's sick daughter. I am often referred to as "the sick one". How hard is it to remember Meg? Am I no longer worthy of a name? I can handle the pain, the nausea, the radiation burns, being endlessly poked and prodded, the physical and mental changes, and spending most days in the hospital, but I can't cope with my loss of identity. I am not just the sick wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I am still Meg. I still love to laugh and act silly with family and friends. I love to shop, watch movies, and listen to music. I may need to rest more than I used to, but inside I am the same Meg. I know that cancer is a big part of me, but it isn't all of me. My life, as well as the lives of those close to me has been changed forever due to the diagnosis of cancer. Life impacts the people we become, but life does not dictate who we are. P.S. I'm sorry that my posts get published as one long paragraph. I type them with the appropriate breaks, but they don't show up on the blog differently. I haven't been able to figure out why. If anyone knows how to fix this please share with me how to do so.