Holiday Nostalgia

Do to on-going health issues(as many of you know), and many continuous financial issues that I have had to endured over the past six years prevent me from being with my family during many months of the year.  I suffer from depression, anxiety, and insomnia on a day-to-day basis, but each of those conditions are wildly exhasterbated when I am forced to miss family gatherings.  Especially the holidays.  I would sacrifice a limb, I would take a bullet, I would make this day my last for one more magical day with my family and friends.  For "Pete's Sake", I would sell my soul to the devil himself just to celebrate a traditional holiday once again!

We had plans to be with family during Thanksgiving, but my health took a turn for the worse.  On top of that our heater at the house decided to quit functioning.  It was inevitable, we would not be traveling back to Wisconsin for Thankgiving. We would not be spending quality time with those we love, and rarely see. We would not get to delight in the delicious Thanksgiving meal and all the tasty treats.  I barely moved out of bed other than to vomit(gross...sorry), and my husband coordinated everything with the heating company.  What a pleasant Thankgiving, eh?  I shouldn't complain. There are many people with much less. We all deserve generosity, caring, and help during the holidays.

I didn't think I would be able to spend any holidays with my family this year, but much to my surprise my doctors gave me clearance to travel!  I am absolutely elated that I get to spend Christmas with my remarkable family.  Being back in the town I grew up in is like living in a fairytale.  Reminceing about all the holidays I commorated in this close knit community.  I took it for granted for all those years.  I can now see the heart, the soul, the whimsy, the compassion, the love, and the honor that each and everyone brings to this town and so many towns like it around the world.  It's breathtaking.  I am blessed that my "blinders" have been stripped off just in time.  My eyes have been broader to notice the stunning elegance and grandeur that the holidays allocate to those whom take the time to observe the meaning behind the glitter and shimmer.

We live in a fast-passed, high-energy, money-hungry, over-worked and exhausted world.  I am certainly guilty of it myself.  I am not a life coach, a therapist, a counselor, or a social worker. I will never claim to be one.  I just "call 'em like I see 'em".  Most of us need to take a step back for a while.  Relaxation is a GOOD thing.  It will make us more productive, and a hell of a lot nicer to be around.  The holidays are the perfect time to take a break.  Spend time with family and friends.  There doesn't even have to be gifts involved.  I know figuring out what to buy for people can be extremely taxiing on a person.  Just spend time together.  I think everyone would be surprised how rewarding that type of holiday can be.  Friendship and love is a timeless gift.

Happy Holidays! XOXO

Wishing and hoping for more time

THOUGHTS


Dawn turns to day,
As stars are dispersed;
Wherever I lay,
I think of you first.

The sun has arisen,
The sky, a sad blue.
I quietly listen,
The wind sings of you.

The thoughts we each keep,
That are closest to our hearts,
We think as we sleep,
And you're always my last thought.



CRY


I know I cry a lot,
For many reasons,
Such as, sad movies, abandoned dreams,
Songs that remind me of the past, and on
Particularly rough day most anything can
Bring on the tears. But lately, what I've been
Crying about the most is myself.
I know it is terribly selfish and insensitive to
All of those around me whom have shown me so
Much support and unconditional love.
I can't help dwelling on the person I used to be,
The person I lost, and the future I may never
Experience.

Holiday Wishes

It's more than obvious that the holiday season is in "full swing".  The stores aisles are filled with gift ideas, decorations for inside and outside, all the traditional holiday baking fixin's, and all sorts of cute gift wrapping paper, as well as, adorable stocking stuffers. The city workers put up lights along all of the treelined streets, all of the greenery in the community parks, and they fancy up the lampposts, as well as, many other areas of the town. There is a crisp chill in the air, shimmering snow on the ground, holiday songs blaring, both classic and new.  The best part of this glorious holiday season is coming home after a long day, changing into cozy PJ's, making yourself a warm mug of tea, hot chocolate, coffee, or apple cider, snuggling into a warm blanket, and putting on a favorite holiday movie or cherished holiday music.  It doesn't get much better than that!

It's not the gifts that bring us joy and happiness during the holiday season.  Yes, of course, they help.  Who doesn't enjoy recieving gifts? I would never turn down a gift, ha! Believe me, I am no Mother Theresa.  I try to give back as much as I can because I have been shown so much support, love and encouragement over the years.  My entire life, not only just the cancer years. I am fortunate to be able to give back without risking my health, or the health of others.  Anything I can do to help a friend, or a complete stranger in need, I will do my best to help out.  Nothing will stop me from putting a smile on the face of someone feeling down.  Even the strongest person needs a little(or big) miracle sometimes....or should I say say a little magic?

Most people who read this post may I think "she's officially lost her marbles"! That could very well be true. I'll be the first to admit it, but I think bringing back simplicity, love, and time shared with the ones we love need to be returned to the spirit of Christmas and the Holiday season.  Allow yourselves to smile "just because" and take a step back from the "daily grind" and the rut of the same ole stale routine we get stuck in without even recognizing it.


What I would like to know is what are your Holiday wishes this year? Do you want to embark on an amazing vacation? Do you want to change careers? Do you hope to get married or have a baby this year? Do you want to get a puppy? Do you want to change you hair color or cut?

I am very interested to hear all of your holiday wishes, if you are willing to share them with me. You never know I might be able to put in a good word and turn that wish into reality!

Feel free to share your wish with me through:
A comment on this blog site
A comment on Google+
Facebook
Twitter

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Love outlives us all

If you love something, love it completely, cherish it,
Say it, but most importantly, show it. Life is finite
And fragile, and just because something is there one
Day, it might not be the next. Never take that for
Granted.

Say what you need to say, then say a little more.
Say too much. Show too much. Love too much.

Everything is temporary, but love.
Love outlives us all.

Never forget the little things in life

It's the small moments 

And memories

In life that

Make up the 

Big picture of our lives

I apologize for my extended absence from my blog.  I have had some unexpected setbacks regarding my healthcare and personal plans.  Both of which have put me in a bit of a "funk".  I've been a mess both physically and emotionally.  I had a trip planed to go back home to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving to see family and friends. I was going to spend an entire week back in my hometown!  My doctors gave me clearance and I was as gitty as a child on Christmas morning.  I was elated to be traveling back home for a traditional Thankgiving with my family and catching up with some friends!  Naturally, nothing went as planned.  I never made it home.  My health took a massive downward spiral right before we were supposed to leave.  Talk about an emotional breakdown.  I was looking forward to that trip for so long and the "rug got ripped right out from under me".  My heart broke into a million pieces.  I cried every day I was supposed to be there.  I have no clue when I will be able to get back to WI.  Knowing that is devastating as well.

Cancer has not only taken away the monumentous and extremely eventful moments in my life.  It is absolutely depressing not being able to partake in those events, but most of all I miss the "little things" in life that make life unique and personal.

I miss:

"girls nights out",

going to the mall with my gal pals

going out to dinner with family and/or friends and not throwing it all up, 

sleeping through the night, 

dancing in the rain, 

going to the movies, 

dressing up and feeling pretty(even slightly pretty)

slow dancing,

being able to RSVP definite "yes" to events,

not having to struggle to swallow food & drink,

and having the spunk back in my personality.

Sorry this post was a bit somber and melancholy.  I am slowly coming out of my state of gloom and doom.  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  We all have so very much to be thankful for.  I know I am unbelievably fortunate to have the most incredible people in my life.  I couldn't ask for more.  We all must remember to give thanks for all of the blessings in our live more than just once a year. 

Time

You came into my life
At a bad time
When I truly hated who I was
And what I had become
I was broken, damaged, and fading.

But you fought your way in
And you saved me

You loved me
And by doing so
You gave me the strength
To love me too

Now there's laughter in all of our days
For we have grown stronger
We have learned to push our grief away
Of every single day
For we know that tomorrow may never come
And that our goodnight may well be our last goodbye...

Our time on Earth is precious.  That is the most important life lesson I have learned. I'm so fortunate to have been given this knowledge at at young age.  We all need to take time to pamper ourselves, spend more time with family and the ones we love most.  Each and every one of us will regret it if we don't. Yes, we all need jobs to pay the bills, but we don't need jobs that ruin relationships with our significant others, our children, our friends, and so on. Balance is always a challenge to find in life, but it is absolutely worth fighting for.  Make sure your number one priority/priorities know how important they are before time takes the away.  We only get one shot at life.  Take your time, and make sure to hit that bullseye!

Live like you were dying

How does one live like they are dying when it hurts too much to do the simplest of tasks?  Walking is a challeng because of the 30-40 pounds of tumors in each of my legs, certain noises cause excruciating pain because of the excessive ringing and swooshing sounds in my ears.  Worst of all I can't enjoy the food I would like to eat.  It either makes me physically sick, or I struggle to swallow it and the pain takes over the enjoyment of a nice meal.  We must not forget all of the financial stresses and struggles life weighs us all down with.  Everything and anything comes with a price tag that seems to be going up with each passing year!  Sheesh, I sound like a world-class crybaby.  I'm sorry for complaining about my personal problems.  All of us face struggles on a daily basis.  That brings me to a question I have been pondering quite a bit lately.  Why is life so difficult for some people and a breeze for others?  I know that many people put on a facade for the world to see and it's a much different story behind the scenes.  That leads me to another question.  Why are so many of us afraid to be our "true selves".  We hide behind masks, stories, theories, reputations, family histories, etc.  We are all individuals. We should act that way.  I know it's much easier said than done.  I'm terrified of what people think of me.  If someone looks at me strangely I will feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day, or at least until I get home and take an upper...ha!

I truly envy those who love whom they are.  Those whom embrace their quirks and "march to the beat of their own drum".  Continue being unique, eccentric, eclectic, and real.  Forge forward with your message and your unwavering acceptance.  Hopefully one day the rest of the world will follow.

When Life Gets in the Way

I am sorry I have been absent lately.  Life has been throwing me many curveballs, twists, and an abundance of turns.  I'm no longer sure which way is up, or which is down.  I must admit I am terrified, incredibly anxious, hurting, both physically and mentally.  I have many decisions to make in the near future.  I could have never imagined I would be in this position at this time in my life.  I am living in a fog right now, but I am searching for clarity.  Once I find it I will return to a more often writing schedule.  I miss blogging, but I would never publish material unworthy of reading.  You all deserve better than that.  I only want to share with each of you my best.  Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement!

I would like to share some words and phrases that have inspired me.

When you have a really bad day,
Try to treat the world better than it had treated you.

Always hold on to hope.
When you feel your hope is lost find a shoulder to lean on.
You'd be surprised where you can find the love you need.

Teardrops

If I showed you my teardrops,

Would you collect them like rain,

Store them in jars,

That are labeled with "Pain",

Would you follow their tracks,

From my eyes down my cheeks,

As they write all the stories, 

I'm too scared to speak,

Would you stop them with kisses,

Bring their flow to a halt,

As you teach me that pain,

Isn't always my fault,

Would you hold my face gently,

As you dry both my eyes

And whisper the words,

"You're too precious to cry",

If I showed you my teardrops,

Would you show me your own?

And learn though we're lonely,

We are never alone.

As long as we allow love in our lives, we all have a constant companion.

Never be afraid to love and let yourself be loved.

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Silent Struggles - Project Guinea Pig

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Silent Struggles - Project Guinea Pig: I am a fairly vocal person.  Anyone with whom I have ever crossed paths with would likely say the same.  I am fortunate to be able to chat w...

Silent Struggles - Project Guinea Pig

I am a fairly vocal person.  Anyone with whom I have ever crossed paths with would likely say the same.  I am fortunate to be able to chat with many different types of people, spanning many topics and genres.  I acquire abundant amounts of knowledge from the men, women and children I spend time with each day.  Whether our conversation lasts ten minutes, or we have a number of discussions over ten years, I cherish, and devote myself entirely to each interaction.  This "talent", if you will, is what led me to an interesting idea.  I would like to make my blog more interactive.  Instead of me rambling on about my life, I would like to help others find their path out of their own "silent struggles".

I am calling this new endeavor "Project Guinea Pig".  The name is not locked in.  I am open to suggestions.  I'm not too keen on the idea of calling myself a pig, but I can roll with it.  Anyway, the premise behind the name is to create an open environment between myself and my readers.  I am choosing to put myself in the roll of "guinea pig".  This concept is very similar to the popular column titled "Dear Abby".  I used to read/buy newspapers solely for the "Dear Abby" column.  I have secretly always wanted to be the next "Dear Abby".  The original "Dear Abby" passed away a while back and a new "Dear Abby" has since taken over the duties.  I don't think there is going to be an opening for a new "Dear Abby" anytime soon, so I am venturing forward and fabricating my own communal outlet for my readers.

Here's how it works:

My blog will become a sounding board for myself, as well as, for each and every reader.  I will continue to write about the day-to-day events I face, and I will answer questions, test theories, and become a "guinea pig" of sorts to each of you.  You can choose to contact me while maintaining complete anonymity, or share your identity with us all.  Readers can connect with me on various forms of social media.

    - Through the comment section of my blog.  midtwentiescancerpatient.blogspot.com
    - Through Facebook.  Just add me as a friend
    - Through Twitter.  Follow mimiLeigh8285
    - On both Twitter and Facebook you can choose to message me directly, or post to my wall.

If this experiment is well received I will create separate Facebook and Twitter accounts.  If any of you have connections with any forms of publication, i.e. magazines, newspapers, web-azines, blogs, please let me know.  I would love to associate myself with current and/or prospective publications.  I sure could use the paycheck.  Working remotely and being a cancer patient doesn't exactly put me at the top of the stack when it comes to employment, but I digress.

As I mentioned above, I would love to take my blog to the next level.  I want to give the readers a voice.  It is more than likely that each of you have friends, family members, teachers, therapist, etc that you can bounce ideas off of and voice frustrations with.  I am not here to take the place of those relationships.  I am here to provide another outlet for the questions, theories, and/or natural wonderment about the things that might not be so pleasant.  The things we are too shy, embarrassed, apprehensive, nervous, and/or scared to ask without complete anonymity.  I am also willing to test out popular theories surrounding healthcare, cancer, social interactions, etc.  This does not open the door to disgusting or disturbing questions/theories.  I am suggesting that the topics may be difficult to discuss openly with those closest to you.

Being diagnosed with cancer at age 24, and being forced into my fair share of uncomfortable situations, I am no longer timid or coy around doctors.  I am also surrounded by an eclectic group of people each day.  Some of them have lived for many years, and others have barely begun their journey through life.  In addition to the age range of people I am around each day, I am encompassed by many various types and ever-changing family dynamics.  I am a personal witness to many trials and tribulations of family life.  My own family structure can be helpful to many of you.  Of course, any and all of my findings will be discussed and portrayed with absolute anonymity.  Names, dates, specific situations, etc will all be changed to protect the privacy of everyone involved, myself excluded.  I am conducting this experiment, and quite frankly, I have no shame.  My identity will be the only one revealed.

*Please note that all of the questions asked, theories tested and information shared will be chosen by my own discretion.  Please also note that I am battling cancer.  Unfortunately unexpected occurrences happen quite frequently.  It may take some time before I can respond to questions posted.  I will answer each question as soon as possible.  I will also post any and all dates that I know I will be away from my blog and social media.  I would like to also express that due to my condition, I am given many different types of medication.  Some of these medications can cause me to have an altered mindset.  I will not answer or post any information when I am taking the afore mentioned medications.  That too, may cause a delay in response time.  I apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause, but I want to provide the most clear and concise answer to each and everyone who seeks my advice.  Lastly, and the most important point of notice is that I am not a doctor, a therapist, a counselor, or an expert of any kind.  I am a friend.  I am a patient.  I am a voice of reason and/or clarity.  I am not claiming to be a professional of any kind.  I am also not receiving any form of payment for my services at this time.  That does not mean that I will not look into making this a career option for myself in the future either by self publication, or working with an established publication.

I am looking forward to embarking upon this new adventure with all of you.  I hope you will all join in the experience!!

Breathe...Just Breathe

Somehow the time just slips away,

And today, becomes yesterday

I just need to get away,

Stop everything and breathe.

I feel myself wearing thin,

Always showing a fake grin,

Yet inside I’m caving in,

I’m stuck and I can’t breathe.

I used to be so full of bliss,

How did things come to this?

I’m drowning in the abyss,

All alone and I can’t breathe.

I tell myself to hold on,

Just stay strong until the dawn

Then all of this will be gone,

And I’ll be free to finally breathe.

The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Digging Deeper

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The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Before I Die

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The life of a 20-something cancer patient: Lois

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When All You See is Gray

As children, most of us viewed the future as an incredible adventure, but in reality the future is not as glamorous as we imagined.  Growing up and becoming an adult is much more difficult than expected.  The visions of an enchanting future begin to fade as we age.  With each year a new struggle emerges.  The harshness of the "real world" sets in.  The negatives begin to outweigh the positives.  The truth is that adulthood is filled with failure, loss, frustration, confusion, anxiety and many more challenges.  As bright-eyed children, these "truths" never enter our minds.  We see the world as a blank canvas waiting for us to paint our beautiful future.  Unfortunately, as time passes, the picture on the canvas is not filled with vibrant colors and striking grandeur.  Our canvases are filled with much more darkness than we could have ever imagined as kids.  Nothing about life is as simple as black or white, and the vivid boldness of rich colors become muddled by the black clouds that unexpectedly enter our lives.  The portrait we fantasized about as innocent children becomes unrecognizable with each passing year.  There is no longer a sparkling image guiding us through life.  All that is left is a gritty haze of gray.

I am not saying that as we grow older all of days, months, years are filled with emptiness and despair.  There are many events, occasions, and chapters in our lives that abundantly radiant and stimulating.  I am expressing that I was unprepared for the cruelty and brutality that proves evident as we enter adulthood.  It is not for a lack of warning, or communication about what comes along with growing up.  No one can predict what fate has in store for each of us.  We all walk our own "paths" in life.  The decisions we make and the actions we take guide us through the twists and turns.  Some of the occurrences are unavoidable, and others are a result of the choices we make.  Either way, we all must cope with the consequences and figure out how to get back "on track" towards our goals in life.  That is where the stress, the battle, the strain and the intense effort comes into play.  The approach we take and the method in which we choose fight through adversity is what will either make us, or break us.  

There are so many times that I have wanted to give up, wave the white flag, and surrender to the pain.  I have questioned over and over, why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Is this what will kill me?  Is this life worth living?  Will this suffering ever end?  I don't have the answers to these questions.  I'm not sure if I will ever know why I was "dealt this hand", or why I was diagnosed with cancer at 24 years old.  I'd like to think it's because I am stronger than most, I can handle anything that comes my way without "breaking a sweat", or that I am the one that is going to "beat all odds" and come out on top.  I will be the triumphant cancer warrior!  It's easy to dream about these feats of victory, but I don't honestly believe them.  I am not a superhero.  I am weak and frail.  I am sad and scared.  I am anxious and constantly worried that today will be my last.  My canvas is not filled with striking and prominent colors, nor is it a gorgeous work of art.  All I see on my canvas is murky, disorganized disarray of gloom.  I do, however, search for streaks of brightness that break through the shadowy gray depiction of this chapter of my life.  These "pops of color" come in many shapes, sizes and forms.  When I see them, I hold them close as long as I can.

I have been very lucky to have had many lively hues burst through the many different tones of gray on my canvas.  Some of them have faded away into the background, and others have remained a distinguishable illustration on my ever-changing portrait.  These colors are represented by my extremely supportive family and friends, all of the amazing nurses, doctors and technicians whom have cared for me, my fellow cancer fighters, and the many courageous children I have met over the 6+ years of my cancer battle.  They all have provided me with wisdom, guidance, strength, hope, love and an everlasting bond that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.  

Life is tough.  I know that goes without saying, but I'm saying it.  LIFE IS TOUGH!  We all endure many, many obstacles throughout our lifetimes.  No one bigger, or less important than others.  It goes without fail, we will all have a "wrench" thrown at us during our lives that will interfere with our plans.  It will undoubtably cause us to drastically change course and direction, but we all have the opportunity to get back on the "straight and narrow" if we choose to.  We can either let fear defeat us, or take the time to fix the issue and get back on track toward our wants, needs and goals.  I have been fortuitous in the fact that all of the incredible people whom have come in and out of my life have taught me so many vital and significant lessons.  For too long, I could only see a gray landscape ahead of me.  I can now see the stunning burst of vibrancy that light up my canvas and bring back its spirit and soul.  We all leave a print on the lives of the people we meet.  Each splash of color can either be smudged out, painted over, or can hold it's place forever.  It is our prerogative to choose which colors stay and which go.  No matter which decision we make,  it is abundantly clear that a little paint can go a long way.    

Lois

It's no secret that my health has been as tumultuous as a F5 tornado for a while now. It has been a complete whirlwind with treatments, appointments, procedures, hospital stays, and traveling to various cities to consult with multiple doctors and treatment facilities. On top of all that, I have had to participate in an abundance of conference calls to organize my new treatment schedule. After going through the torture of everything I mentioned above, I am embarking upon the biggest, most evasive, life altering, terrifying, demanding, taxing, and hopefully successful surgery I will likely ever have to endure in my lifetime.

I am on a required bed rest and must avoid any and all public places to boost my immunity as much as possible in order for my body to prepare itself for my upcoming surgery. Unfortunately, I have been recently diagnosed with pneumonia that will push back the timeline of my surgery. It was frustrating to hear that the healthcare plan we had setup was now forced to be changed on account of my respitory ailment. I must admit that the news came as a shock and left me very upset. I am accustom to the ever changing, tilt-a-whirl type of chaos that is my life. I was hoping this one time, my body would cooperate and allow this process to work out the way my doctors, my family and myself had outlined. I was naive to think that my pawn in the "game of life" would ever reach a peak point, or cross the finish line until my adorable friend changed my way of thinking and my attitude towards living with cancer. She has been battling her cancer on-and-off for almost 13 years. She has maintained a positive outlook, a sense of humor, elegance and class. I admire her and use her illuminating gusto as A driving force while I push through the many set backs, awful treatments and excruciating pain that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. This task can feel seemingly impossible at times, but I'm not ready to give up the fight(yet anyway).

 

Whenever I am feeling lost, lonely, scared and crushed by the "weight of the world on my shoulders", I turn to dear sweet Lois. She is a spectacular woman and quite the "spitfire" at the hospital. She absolutely cracks me up every time I am around her. Her love and zest for life is a beautifully refreshing ray of light, especially at a cancer center/hospital.

Lois is a vibrant 82 year old woman with more gumption and moxie than any young girl in their teens, or early twenties. This woman has lived life to the fullest and well beyond! I hope she has many more years to continue along her life's journey. She has gone on so many exciting adventures and has plans to go on many more. I love listening to her outrageous stories. She speaks about her life with such a commanding and assertive presence, but never preaches to those around her. She has so much conviction and determination. I am truly honored to know this incredible lady.

Every time we are together she asks to see my tattoos. She always wants to know if I have gotten any new ones, and what other ideas I have to finish my "sleeves". LP( her nickname, it stands for Lois Peterson) always spends detailed time examining and admiring my tattoos, even though she has seen them multiple times. She marvels at the creativity, the interesting design work and how impulsive, yet practical, I am for permently engraving such artful precision and meaningful techniques of a form of painting on my body. It is so sweet how intrigued she has become about my tattoos and the meaning behind each one that I have. LP has a phenomenal and intricate way of looking at life. She sees beneath the superficial layers of everyone she meets. It's almost as if she can feed of other people's energy and understand them in a way no one else would ever be able to. She never boasts about this talent, or claims to be a psychic or a medium. She just takes the time to sincerely listen to those she meets and realizes how they "tick", as well as, how they communicate. LP has told me many times that I am going to accomplish extraordinary things in my lifetime because I am intuitive, logical, yet spontaneous, and because I allow myself to lead with my heart and soul more often than with my brain. I'm not so certain that is a good or bad thing, but I would love for that premonition to come to fruition someday. Regardless, I have learned so many life lessons from Lois. All of her wisdom, advice, and her insatiable passion for life will live on inside of me for the rest of my days.

Lois is also an absolute delight to be around. I can't help but laugh every time I'm with her. She is hilarious and says/does the most random things.

For example, she has told me thousands of times that she wishes I was her granddaughter because the "punk-ass hoodlums" that she has to claim as her grandchildren are little tyrants that get whatever they want. She even expressed to me that she believes their parents are terrified of them, so they give into their countless demands. She sends me into side-splitting laughter when she talks about her "devious" grandkids. She honestly has no filter, and doesn't give a damn who hears her! On a few occasions LP has expressed to me that she would drop those "greedy, self-righteous delinquents" at anytime and adopt me as her grandchild. She is such a silly lady! 

LP is extremely blunt. She often remenises about her nightly cocktail she would drink before bed. I lost count of how many times she has asked me to smuggle in a flask of hooch for her into the hospital. Of course, I don't bring her booze, but I find it humorous that she continues to ask.

The other question LP asks me at least once a day is when I'm going to bust her out of the hospital, so we can go get tattoos. Lois is a tiny little pocket person(she stand at 4'6"). She has no tattoos, yet she wants me to break her out of the cancer center to go get matching tattoos. How adorable, right?

LP has so much spunk and pizzazz. I can only hope I am as awesome as she is when I'm in my 80s. Hell, I would be happy being half as cool as Lois is.

Overall, the greatest words of wisdom Lois has ever passed on to me is that "Somedays we just need to view the world through the eyes of an innocence child". Sometimes that is the only way to get through the most arduous of days. I couldn't agree more. When life throws you a "curve ball" gather your friends for a pick-up baseball game at "The Sandlot". You'll soon find out the "The Beast" you were dreading is your biggest fan and your life's mascot! 

Second Chances

Since being diagnosed with cancer six years ago, my life has been a wild and unpredictable ride. I have heard from friends, family and even hospital staff that the life I am living at 30 years old is unfathomable. Many of them have expressed to me that if they didn't know me, they wouldn't believe my story. I don't blame them. This is not the life I expected to live for the past six years. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do to change my situation. I wake up everyday with cancer and I go to bed each night with cancer. There are many moments that I feel I am past my breaking point. I feel I could shatter and crumble at anytime. I am asking all of you to help me. Don't let me fall again. Don't let my remains be swept away. I am not yet ready to lay down and die. I ask each of you to give me strength when I am weak. Give me courage when I am afraid. Please give me the hope for a second chance at life. Sometimes we all need a second chance because life wasn't quite ready for us the first time around.

I believe that life is an opportunity, we all deserve to benefit from. Life is beauty, and we should all admire it. Life is a dream, only if we choose to realize it. Life is a challenge, instead of giving into it we must meet it. Life is a duty, and we all have the right to complete it. Life is a game, we all get to choose how we play it. Life is a promise, never forget to fulfill it. Life is sorrow, we all must overcome it. Life is a song, don't ever be afraid to sing it out loud. Life is a struggle, learn to accept it and make it work in your favor. Life is tragedy, at some point we all must confront it. Life is an adventure, dare to jump into it without looking back. Life is luck, some of it is luck we make, other times it is luck that we happily stumble upon. Life is much too precious, do anything and everything not to destroy it. Life is a gift, fight for it!

I hope that one day I will get a second chance. A chance at a life free of cancer and free of so many daily challenges. Life will never be easy, or stress free, but I would be elated if I could stay away from hospitals for an extended period of time. 

If I were given the opportunity for a second chance at life, or a "do over" I would embrace every possibility at a blissful and successful life.

The one thing that will remain constant in my life, with or without cancer is my drive to make everyday worth living. Each morning I tell myself to let my smile change the world, and to never let the world take the smile off my face. Smiles are contagious and an effortless way to brighten even the darkest of days. 

No one can ever guarantee everyday will be cheerful and bright, but no one can ever take away your spirit and spunk. Always allow yourself to feel each and every emotion that enters your mind, but do not dwell in the negative moments. Life is perpetually evolving. Things will get better with time. 

I am going to sound terribly cliché here, so please forgive me. Always remember that "This too shall pass". 

Live the life you want to live. Don't let anyone dictate who your are or whom you will become. Only you can live your "Best Life". Welcome the good experiences along with the bad. Both will make us stronger, wiser, and happier people. That is what we all strive for, right? Give yourself as many second chances you need to live your "happily ever after"!

Living an Unwanted Life

Lately I have been called a hero by some of my friends, my family, fellow patients and even some of the hospital staff. It blows me away that anyone would think of me as a hero. I am no hero. That's for sure! I am far from hero status. I am just a girl trying beat cancer by enduring whatever I have to in order to live another day. I have heard a lot from those around me that they consider me a hero because of the parties I throw and the children's hospital and that I take time out of everyday I am at the hospital to chat with fellow patients. That, in no way, lends the title hero to me. All of those children and the friends I've made, young or old, have made me a better person. I am incredibly fortunate to make connections with most everyone I meet at the hospital or at doctor's offices. The joy I get from interacting with such remarkable people, and hearing their life stories help me continue the battle with my health issues each day.

The heart is the strongest organ/muscle in the body. It has so many functions and is vital to stay alive. No matter how strong it is it's exceedingly fragile and easily broken. Too many of us guard our hearts which often restrict us from the love and true passion we could all feel and share. Just like our bones can break, our hearts can ache from intense pain. It is important to remember that our hearts will heal over time, and will be ready to let a stronger love in. The love we deserve and will deeply cherish forever.

As I reflect upon my life, I can't help but feel I am living an unwanted life. I am grateful to be alive and to be surrounded by unconditional love and support from so many amazing people in my life. My husband has to put up with all of the difficulties my cancer presents on a daily basis. My parents, sister and closest friends get bombarded with calls, texts and emails that contain babble and ramble on about my health woes. I'm sure they all get annoyed by me pitying myself. I try my best not to burden those around me with the issues surrounding my cancer, but I must admit that sometimes the pain and frustrations becomes too much to handle on my own. I don't thank all of the marvelous people in my life that are always there for me enough. I am sorry about that. Your kindness and generosity is not lost on me. I am forever indebted to you all. You all hold a special place in my heart. That will never change. 

Being the "sick girl"(and to have been going through it for so long), I get mostly "fluff" answers and empathetic sincerity from those around me. It doesn't matter if I've know them my entire life, or have just recently met them. I make them uncomfortable causing them to tell me what they think I want to hear because they don't want to upset me. It's a very sweet gesture, but when I ask questions I'm looking for honest answers. The most frustrating thing side effect of being sick is the 180 degree turn most of my friends have made to "accommodate" for my health concerns. Yes, I am sick. Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I have had to drastically change my "path" in life, but I'm still Meg. My exterior and my internal make-up may have been forced to change, but I am the same goofball kinda girl I have always been. I frequently and repeatedly sense that my friends and family are "walking on egg shells" around me because they are terrified that they are going to break me. I can feel their nervous energy, which in turn, makes me uneasy. It has caused many of my relationships to suffer. Avoiding me and my health issues is easier than understanding them, for the majority people. The last thing I would want to do is hinder any experiences for my friends and family. Therefore, many of my relationships have dissolved instead of strengthen. Above all else, that is the worst side effect of my cancer diagnosis. Pain is a close second. Pain comes and goes, but true friendships never fades. Sometimes it skyrockets and ever other aspect of life falls behind the torment and discomfort, but that feeling never lasts forever.

I am not very good at hiding my pain. From what I've been told by family and friends, I get an unsettling look on my face, and I become very quiet. Anyone who knows me that I am a chatty gal. Silence is a tell-tale sign that my illness is getting the best of me in that moment. 

Recently, I have been getting asked one particular question a lot. An abundance of people have been asking; What does it "feels" like to have cancer? That question is challenging to answer. I deal with new pain, on-going pain and multiple levels of pain from one day to the next. My pain travels throughout my entire body. It is impossible to answer that question because my body, my mind, and many other "life issues" change daily. Some days the tumor on my spine makes it hard for me to get out of bed, or even walk. The tumors in my legs often make me feel like I'm walking with 50 pounds bags of flour strapped to them. I often get headaches, fatigue, nausea, dizziness, overpowering pain and fainting spells. I am living a life I have very little control of. I am living and unwanted life because the only other option is death. No one would ever to choose to live a life with a serious illness. My life is intimidating and my health dictates what I can and cannot do. It makes me feel like a child. I have to be constantly monitored, so that I don't inflict more injuries and damage to my body. I have many battle scars from fainting and smashing my head into a hard surface.  Each morning is a new unexpected "adventure" when pain is the only constant in my life anymore.

The physical pain can be relentless at times, and other times it's bearable.

The emotional pain and struggles stay with me at all times. I am saddened by the restrictions my cancer has presented me with over the years, and that impedes with my cyclic life.

Above all else the financial stress is the most formidable and demanding facet of my cancer battle. I am not the only one coping with this responsibility as I fight for my life. My cancer fight has affected my entire family with a myriad demands. They are forced to face with helping pay by medical bills all too often. Without the help of my family, friends, doctors and even a few complete strangers, I would be unable  to continue my healthcare. It continues to be a daily struggle and I carry a lot of guilt because of these financial requirements. All we can do is take it one day at a time, but that is easily said then done.

Throughout my cancer fight I have been fortuitous and fairly prosperous to have manageable hardships. I am lucky to be able to walk, be able to breath on my own, and to be able to continue a fairly "normal" life, as of yet. There is no way of knowing what the future has in store for me. If I live or die, I'm not going on without a fight!!

I won't sugar coat it, CANCER SUCKS, but having cancer has taught me a lot at the same time. I know more about the body and how it functions. Much more that I would learn in school. I have learned that cancer does not define me. I think I have always been a loving and compassionate person, but having cancer has heightened and improved these important areas of my life. I know the doctors are busy doing the technical work(which is fantastic) the best form of healing is spending time with my family and friends. They all give me the strength when I am weak, the confidence to face my fears, and the hope to keep fighting!

The worst pain of all is the hurt my family and friends go through. They are bystanders during this horrible time in my life. I want them all around me as much as possible but I know they have their own lives to live. They are all with me in spirit guiding me through this journey. I feel the support deep within my soul each and everyday. The encouragement is shown to me through phone calls, texts, cards, emails, hugs, and "I love you's". I will never find the right words to thank you all for helping me as I continue to kick cancers tushy!

As you have read above in this post, my treatments are very expensive. At times we are so tapped out financial that we are barely able to by food. We work as long and as hard as we possibly can to improve our income, but we just can't get ahead. It a horrifying, stressful and an extremely difficult time in our lives.

I recently found out that I got approved for a surgery at Sloan-Kettering in NYC. This surgery could significantly improve my condition. The surgeon at MSK is one of the best(if not THE best) oncology surgeons in the U.S. There is also a chance that there is too much damage to my spine ad pelvis, so paralysis is a risk. My spine and pelvis are crumbling from the tumor which could also cause paralysis, so what do I have to lose? I hope the surgery will be a success!

I know this was a super long post, so I will wrap it up! My fantastic sister has started up the GoFundMe site for donations to help with the trip to NYC. I truly hate asking for handouts. I feel like such a bum/charity case. My eyes fill with tears and my heart breaks when I am forced to reach out to family and friends for financial help. I apply for as much aid I can, but nothing ever works out. I no longer know what to do. We struggle with our regular bills and MSK is not going to be cheap. My insurance only covers 40% percent, so the rest is out of pocket. Who knows how expensive this surgery is going to cost. I can't imagine it will be cheap. My family is also going to be in NYC with me. They will have to get a hotel and will need to eat out a lot since they can't cook. Sloan has given up a list of hotels that have hospital rates, but it is still NYC. Not much is cheap there even if it is only a ten minute walk to the hotel. We also need to by train tickets from Syracuse to NYC and my parents will be driving to Syracuse before we head to MSK. The expenses add up quickly. I could be there for 4 days or 4 weeks. There is no way of knowing until we get there.

If you are willing and able to donate to the GoFundMe campaign, please do. Your generosity is cherished and will never be forgotten. Thank You!!!!

The link to the GoFundMe site is posted below⬇️

http://www.gofundme.com/cazf2g

Let Freedom Ring

Sing it with me:

"Celebrate Good Times...C'mon"...

"The land of the free and the home, of the, Brave"...

"Put on your red, white & blue. There's life at both ends of that red dirt road"...

"Cut a rug with your tight Wranglers on"...

I hope all of you had a fantastic 4th of July! I hope you all enjoyed cookouts fit with Grills, Smokers and meats-a-many in every backyard across America. If BBQ's aren't your "cup of tea", I hope you enjoyed catered events with tray-passed delicious crostini topped with an abundant variety of tapenade. Whether you were on rooftop terraces, at city/town parks, on decks throughout the USA, or at a number of any other venues. I hope you were surrounded by the ones you love, and held the spirit of loved one far away in your hearts. 

As another year passes, and the seasons change, I encounter more questions about my life. Not only my life, but about life in general. The thought I continually ponder is; Are we ever truly free?

No matter what stage of life we are currently in, there are always difficulties and challenges we will encounter. Once we jump one hurdle another will certainly come along. We live as a free nation, but within ourselves, how much freedom do we truly possess? As children we are restricted by our parents, school, curfews, and our age. From adolescence to adulthood, the number of obstacles that hinder our freedom only increase. In addition to the daily struggles I mentioned before we can add on many more tedious and taxing attributes of life, such as; work, finances, kids, health, etc...

I am in no way saying we should be a bunch of wandering bafoons or Neanderthal-esque drifters. We are all responsible for our own lives and each facet that makes up who we are. I do feel we need to give ourselves a little more slack on the "leash of life". Most of us live a life that is so tightly wound and stressful, it is difficult to feel very free. More often than not I feel trapped within my own life. There are many times I want to quit. When I feel that I can no longer go on my mind always goes to Robert Frost and the poem I view as my own personal mantra. Specifically the line that reads:  

"I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over"

I cannot even begin to think of the number of times I have reflected on my life and it has brought me to "Birches" by Frost. That line, specifically, stands out to me. Those times I feel hopeless, I take time to myself and find a way to escape. At this time in my life, I find my release through reading and writing. Those activities allow me to let go of all of my troubles for a while and clear my head. I can then return to reality with renewed strength and a clearer mindset. On the "remote of life", reading and writing is my "pause" button. Time keeps on ticking and the minutes pass, but reading/writing can give me the break I need to recharge. 

I am happy we are able to celebrate America's freedom each year, but most days, I have trouble believing in, or feeling free when life has beaten me down so much. This may sound extremely selfish, but I have been, all too often, jilted by life. These thoughts may affect my life daily, and I may dwell on the negative too much at times, but as long as I maintain hope I will never give in. As long as I have people in my life I love so fiercely and that love me back just as much, I will not stop fighting. Lastly, as long as I have a place to retreat to when life becomes unbearable, I will be free.

Happy Independence Day!

Before I Die

As many of you may, or may not know my health has taken a hard turn down a steep slope.  I am mustering up all the fight, strength and energy I have inside me to get myself through each day.  Each new morning brings on afternoons and evenings of new obstacles and higher hurdles to jump over.  Many times I feel as though I am running a race I will inevitably lose, but I can't and I won't give up that easily.  I'm a stubborn cuss that refuses to be defeated without utilizing every ounce of my being to overcome this horrible disease!  Life is too precious and too short to give up on.

One of the nurses at the cancer center approached me the other day with a very personal and intriguing question.  This particular nurse and I have grown close over the past year, but the subject matter of our conversations are usually regarding my health, or light-hearted topics.  As we've grown closer, we have began to share more intimate detailsu of our lives.  We are very much alike, but we also learn many life lessons from each other.  I very much enjoy her company and our many meaningful chats.  Her recent question surprised me, but also gave me reason to evaluate my past, as well as, my future.  The question she asked was "What does the bucket list for your life contain"?

At 30 years old, I haven't thought a lot about all the things I want to do before I die.  I always assumed I would have more time to contemplate my "to do" list.  I have been pondering her inquiry since she brought up the topic.  It may not be much, and each new day could add, or remove an item, but this is my list as of today.

Meg's Bucket List

*Pet a sea otter and a penguin, pretty much any zoo animal(preferably one that won't eat me, but I'm flexible).

*Ride atop an elephant.

*Snuggle/cuddle a baby elephant.
*Hang out ALL DAY with the HILARIOUS James Corden! He is a hoot and a half! Being a part of one of his carpool karaoke skits, or even hid out under a blanket in the backseat during the carpool would be an epic experience! My dream carpool companions would be James Corden, Lady Gaga, Barabara Streisand, and me, of course! We would rock it!!
*Have a drink with Rory McIlroy, Graeme McDowell & my hubby in Ireland and then hit the links for a round, or two.
*Kiss the Blarney Stone, then thoroughly sanitize my lips afterwords.

*Visit Edinburgh, Rome and many other cities in Europe; Florence, Vienna, Vatican City, Amsterdam, Prague, London, Paris. I would also love to visit Ireland, Bora Bora, Austrialia and Fiji (sitting 1st class on the plane, of course).
*Live abroad for at least a year(or at least for a few months). I want to soak in as much culture as I can before I die.
*Spend one entire day with the incomparable Adele. I want to experience one day surrounded and immersed within her talent and beautiful lifestyle. She is not just a singer. She is a true artist and shines with exquisite brilliance. Even though she has achieved such epic celebrity status, she remains humbled and appreciative by her extraordinary gift. She has inspired me I'm more ways than I could ever put into words. It would be on honor to be in her presence.
*Learn the art of Fencing.

*Take a ride in a hot air ballon.

*To ride in a helicopter over beautiful scenic views!
*Have Tarek and Christina from HGTV's Flip or Flip come and flip my house, or Joanna and Chip Gains fix up my house. It sure needs it. They both have such incredible skill, style and taste.

*Have a child, or twins via adoption or surrogacy since I am unable to birth a child.
*Live long enough to see my child/children grow up.

*Dance "The Carlton" with Alfonso Ribeiro.
*Have Tom Selleck record my out-going messege on my cell phone.
*Better yet! Have Tom Selleck, Ted Dansen & Steve Guttenberg record "Goodnight Sweetheart" for me to listen to before bed(since I have so many challenges sleeping). It would be truly magical if they changed the lyrics to "goodnight sweet Meg, goodnight".  It would absolutely melt my heart! OMG... I am blubbering like a baby as I write this!
*Film a scene in a movie, on a TV show, or even a commercial with Cheri Oteri and Melissa McCarthy. How ridiculously awesome would that be!?!?

*Meet Tom Selleck(he's so dreamy and an American icon), I would be honored to meet the entire cast and crew of Blue Bloods(the show has truly impacted my life),Steve Martin, Bruce Willis, Elton John, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Gary Sinise, Jeff Daniels, Craig T. Nelson, Dermot Mulrouny, Will Ferrell, Tony Bennett, Sandy B.(Sandra Bullock), Kathy Bates, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Melissa McCarthy, and the phenomenal Christina Aguilera! Having a round table discussion with this incredible group of men and women, listening to where they've been and what rolls they played, but also what they enjoy doing on there down time. Feeling a connection with these people on a human level. Not a creep-o weird way though. Just a personal level, not a actor/fan level.

*Meet Carrie Underwood and/or Adele. If possible sing a few words from one of their songs together. That would be a dream. They are both so outrageously talented and beautiful both inside and out!!

--SIDEBAR-- I know this list is extensive, but hey, that's what a bucket list is right? A list of hopes and dreams that will likely never come to fruition, but wishful thinking. Back to the list...

*Be a guest or the guest bartender on WWHL with Andy Cohen! I'm not cool enough to be a regular guest... Boo 😢 But I digress...

*Be a guest on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and have an epic lip-sync battle! Honestly, I don't even have to be on the show(even though I'm a world class lip-sync-er), I'd be honored just to be in the audience and maybe he would catch a glimpse of me in the audience. I know that sounds super stalkeresques(maybe even a bit creepy), but it is only because I truly admire his talent!

*Meet my absolute favorite band, since I was 14, Fall Out Boy and if possible have them serenade me with my favorite song... "Donnie, what a catch" - If I got the chance to hug Patrick Stump I could die a happy girl! I would want to hug them all of course, but through articles and interviews I've read regarding the band, I feel the same way he does about many different topics. I also adore his voice! His vocals are phenomenal and the melodies just make me melt.
*Have FOB design/customize a personalized, somewhat feminine tattoo that incorporates all of the band member's signatures and/or signature symbol for me to have permanently imprinted on my body.

*Appear as an extra in a Justin Timberlake, Meghan Trainor, Carrie Underwood, or Kenny Chesney music video. I would love to make a cameo is. Justin Timberlake movie, as well!!

*Land a voice-over gig for a movie or TV show.

*Finish tattooing my arms into full sleeves.

*Become a published author/well-known blogger.

*Receive a giant hug from Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson. He just looks so huggable. He also has the most stunning smile!
*Paying off any/all debt my family has accrued because of my medical bills and the many other expenses they continually have to help out with just to keep me on my feet since I am unable to work. The fact that they have to financially support their 30 year old daughter and miss out on thing they want to do because of their sickly daughter makes me cry multiple times a day. I want to give them their lives back, their freedom, their happiness.

*Give my parents, my sister, brother-in-law and my husband the vacation of a lifetime!

*Reenact some of my favorite SNL skits with past and present cast members. Playing Colette Reardon's crazy pill-popping friend along side Cheri Oteri would PHENOMENAL!(On account of my on-going illness and the pill popping routine I've come a custom to).

*Skate on the ice at Rockefeller Center and see the tree lit up in all its Chtistmas glory!

*Take a trip through the Caribbean islands on a gorgeous yacht with friends and family.

*Start a charity foundation/Non-profit that brings different weekly activities to long-term hospital patients, both young and old.
*Provide my family and friend with at least a sliver of the joy and support they shown me over my entire life. Being able to give them back ten times the love and generosity they have shown to me over my lifetime would be a true blessing.
*Open a store/business that all of my family could work at. We could all take a step back from the daily grind of working for "the man" and take time to enjoy life while maintaing a successful business. At the same time giving hired employees equal perks and respect for a job well done.
*Grant the wishes of as many people as I can. Everyone deserves to experience at least one dream come true within their lifetime, not matter how big or small.

*Lastly, I want to pass away with dignity, having lived my "best life", and with those closet to me being proud of me. Without each and every one of you I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you doesn't begin to express my love and appreciation.

I would love to anonymously pick up the tab for another family as well as my own each time I go out to dinner. Seeing the the smiles on their faces are priceless.

It is a shame that so many of us are unable to check off most(if any) items off of our bucket lists because of the many stresses that life presents us with daily.  Life, all too often becomes routine and mundane.  Cancer frequently prevents me from being as spontaneous as I would like to be.  To be honest, it often hinders plans I make months in advance.  Cancer has altered my life in a plethora of ways.  When I get the chance and my health is cooperative, I see glimpses of pre-cancer Meg.  She is still inside me.  Unfortunately, she is being squashed by a bunch of tumors, scar tissues, and an abundance of other abnormalities.  

My bucket list provides me with the motivation I need when all I want to do is "throw in the towel".  Giving into my illness is not an option.  I have too much left to accomplish.  I hope that I will have the opportunity to one day complete my bucket list.  What is on your bucket list?

Still I wonder, Do dreams ever really come true?

Benny & Linda

My cancer and tumors have been known to wreak havoc on most of my bones, muscles, joints and nerves.  It is not a glamorous lifestyle to lead.  Well, not so glamorous to most, but I rock the cancer patient look.....obviously! :). Okay, okay, that is wishful thinking.  I don't rock the sickly look anymore than the other patients.  I am likely one of the biggest hot messes there. Ha!  After dealing with cancer for this long, style, fashion and makeup are delegated to the back burner.  Hopefully, one day, they will make it back into the rotation.  As of now, the only style choices I make is in regard to covering up.  I decide which hat, or head wrap I want to were.  After choosing the appropriate headwear, I match a cardigan sweater/zip-up sweatshirt (it's always cold in the hospital) to the chosen headgear.  Lastly, I match my unders to form a complete ensemble.  It is a must to have clean and cute under-roos on just, in case, my bum decides to poke out from behind the gown.  Especially when the doctors and nurses tell me to keep the gown untied because that makes it easier for them when they are performing procedures and exams.  Are you kidding me?  I cannot and will not keep my gown wide open for a doctor to come in just to poke and prod at me.  The doctors and the nurses don't go out of their way to make my time at the hospital easier, so I am sure to tie my gown every single time.  It takes two seconds for them to untie the ties. I think they can easily manage that.  I get frustrated when I am being told to do something because it's easier for the doctor.  Where is the concern for the patient?  We are the ones being tortured and they have the nerve to ask us accommodate them?!?  Sheesh!  Even if I went in for procedure and treatments stark naked, the doctors would find something to bitch about.  Your IV is in the wrong spot, your tattoos make it difficult to find veins for blood draws, oh, you recently fell and have a huge bruise, now your cold and shivering.  These are all things that have no control over.  Each patient is different and not typical.  With all the training the docs and nurses have, you'd think it would be easy for them to acclimate.  Instead the doctors have a tendency to put their utensils down and walk out of the exam room.  They only return if and when everything is up to their standards.  It's ridiculous!  I am doing everything I can to be 100% prepared for any and every day at the hospital.  One would think the doctors and nurses are there to aid in the wellbeing of their patients, but all too often that isn't the case, but, I digress.

There are so many challenges, stresses and frustrations I am faced with on a daily basis.  It's easy to forget about all of the other patients struggling inside and outside of the hospital.  We all take our lives for granted at one time, or another.  I know I have and I still do.  I have been fortunate to have full use of all my extremities.  Many people are not so lucky.  These people could have been born without function, or the ability to use them may have been taken away due to disease and/or injury.  These people fight everyday just to take a step, hold a piece of cutlery, and/or even speak.  There are an abundance of diseases and injuries that can strip us of the most menial tasks.

I recently had to go through some physical therapy to rehab my hip and ankle after taking a bad fall.  Shortly after I started my therapy, I found myself spending a lot of my extra time in the occupational therapy unit.  I had physical therapy four times a week to start and the sessions became less and less as I got stronger.  The funny thing was that I was still spending the same amount of time, maybe even more, in the OT unit.  No, I wasn't putting in over time towards my rehab, I was focusing on the therapy of a certain young man.  I saw this boy every time I was there for my therapy.  He sat quietly in his wheelchair, doing his exercises while his mom and therapist gave him instructions.  He was very attentive always looked eager to try a new exercise.  I watched him get a little bit stronger each day.  One day the boy's mother approached me.  She lightly tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could have a moment of my time.  I was pleased to speak with her.  I had been admiring her dedication and the love she has for her son.  She took me to the side and thanked me.  I was caught off guard.  Why was she thanking me?  I was clueless, so I asked her why she was thanking me.  She explained that her son has multiple sclerosis and is autistic.  My heart broke as those words came out of her mouth.  She was visibly shaken and holding back the tears as she went into more detail about her son.  I consoled her the best I could and listened to her courageous words.  

His name is Benny.  He was diagnosed with MS shortly after he was born and was diagnosed autistic at age six.  He recently turned fifteen, and has been mute his entire life.  He communicates through his computer, or using sign language.  Therapy had always been a struggle for Benny.  He never put much effort into the exercises.  He would often fight with his mom about going to therapy.  He had no drive or motivation.  Benny's mother told me that all changed the day I started my therapy.  She told me that I was the bright ray of light that was needed to cut through the darkness.  Linda(Benny's mom) illustrated my first day at therapy according to her.  She said I walked through the doors with a huge smile on my face, took two steps and then nailed my knee on one of the exercise machines(sounds about right).  Instead of getting angry or upset, she said that I burst into laughter and made fun of myself.  After such an abrupt and noticeable entrance I introduced myself to everyone as Meg.  I added that they could call me klutz, crash, crazy, etc.... I'll answer to most anything! Ha!  Linda saw a smile on Benny's face for the first time in a long time.  She also saw that he put a little mor effort into his session that day.  As, the time passed I chatted with all the patients and therapists.  I found myself staying after my therapy was done to uplift and encourage other patients as they rehabilitated their injuries and bodies.  Friendships began to bloom with many of the patients, but none like me and Benny.  I would bring in different music for us to play while patients were doing their exercises and rehabbing.  I even started a little chair dance/shimmy for the "down" times.  Therapy had become a lot of fun and we all took serious interest into each other's rehab.  We were all cheerleaders for each other.  Physical therapy became more fun, a little silly and freeing instead of stale and boring.

I finished the therapy I needed for my injuries fairly quickly, but I didn't stop going to the OT unit.  These people had become my friends and I care for them all deeply.  I want to see them succeed.  I could also feel that Benny was going to have a breakthrough soon.  He was putting in so much effort, making strides for his healthcare and smiling through it all.  Watching him improve each day was thrilling!  He was taking charge of his life for the very first time!  It gives me goosebumps thinking about how far he has come and the progress he has made.  The most exhilarating part of all is that Benny, at age fifteen said his first words!

This morning I was saying my goodbyes for the day, gathering my things and putting the "normal" music back on before saying goodbye to Linda and Benny.  I got everything done I needed to before heading out for the day, so I walked over to Linda. We were chatting and looking at our calendars for next week while Benny was finishing up with his therapist.  A couple minutes later Benny was done. I leaned in, hugged Benny, and then I hugged Linda.  I looked over to Benny once more to tell him I would see him tomorrow.  As I was saying the words Benny put his hand up, as if to sign something to me, but he didn't sign anything.  He softly whispered May-Gan. My chin hit the floor. My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I looked over to Linda.  She had the same face on.  We were speechless.  We both knelt down beside Benny.  He spoke again.  May-gan. Thanks you. Thanks you May-gan.  I was floored and filled with emotions.  Then Benny turned his head to Linda.  He slowly sounded out Love you.  Love you mom.  We both lost it!  We hugged him, we hugged each other, hell, we even hugged the custodial worker whom had no idea what was going on.  We could not contain our elation!!  It was an amazingly memorable moment.  I'm so happy I was there to witness it.

No one knows if and when Benny will speak again, only Benny knows, but I will be by his side not matter what.  Not only did Benny speak for the first time today, he restored faith in so many of us.  He is living proof that miracles do happen.  They really do come true.  With hard work, faith, and hope in your heart good things do come to those who wait.

Humanity

If we don’t feel solely with our hearts, we don’t belong

If we don’t see as one, through rose-colored glasses, the world is wrong

Beyond the wars we fight, both internally and externally

Comes the hate and the insanity

We all have an individual personality 

We are all connected through humanity

We are the child with cancer who still wears a smile

We are the kid from the projects facing trial

We are the pregnant teen feeling lost and used

We are the elderly man at home being abused

We are the young couple tip-toeing through a marriage on the rocks

We are the homeless person living in a cardboard box

We are the cold and hungry, the sad and depressed

We are the lonely child whom never felt blessed

We are the woman whose life was filled with pain

We are the man standing alone in the pouring rain

We are the child who struggles day to day

We are the teenage girl who ran away

We are the soldier killed while fighting an unjust war

We are the young man who can dream no more

We are the inmate locked away for life

We are the elderly man whom has lost his wife

We could benefit from a life led by hope and love rather than cruelty and vanity

And have a sense of belonging to humanity.

We will never know what is going on with the rude waiter from dinner, the jack-wagon who cuts us off in traffic, the naughty kid that continually hits our heels with a cart at the grocery store, or the rude person talking extremely loud on their phone.  Yes, these acts are irritating, but we should all try to refrain from lashing back at these behaviors.  We all have so much going on in our lives, and we all have bad days.  Instead of continually being rude and unsympathetic, we should all try to uplift one another.  Each new day could use many more smiles, laughs, hugs, love and happiness.  There is plenty of pain, frustration, stress, fear, and uncertainty in the world.  Life is too short to be carrying around all that negativity.  It may not always be easy, but we must allow the small things to slide off of shoulders.  Acknowledge the negative issues, but embrace the positive.

A Wink and a Smile

You can't just give up on someone because the situation's not ideal.

Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems.

They're great because both people care enough about the other person

To find a way to make it work.

No matter how close, or how far away you are from friends and family, true relationships never end.  There will be plenty of rough patches along the road, but there will be many positive moments, as well.

The pain, the struggles, the abundance of tears, extreme exhaustion, constant fear, the medications, and all of the side effects from my treatments, my surgeries, infections are the "icing on the cake", or in my case, a glob of gum stuck to my shoe.  Gross!! I know!! Through all of those unbearable tests, I knew I always had my family and friends supporting me.  They may have been many miles away, but they were with me in spirit and in my heart.  Without that out-pouring love and strength I would have never had the courage, or endurance to maintain my cancer fight.

I must admit that when I first got my diagnosis I thought I would go through treatments, start some new medications, and within a few months to a year of enduring cancer I would healthy again.  I was going to follow my doctor's orders to eliminate the cancer and I would possibly have to go through some rehabilitation in order to return to a "normal" life.  After that...Bing, Bang, Boom I would have kicked cancer's ass!!  Obviously I was wrong. 

Fighting cancer for six( and counting ), certainly takes a toll on a girl.  My energy level is at an all-time low.  I have to miss so many occasions, gatherings, parties, and even my weekly Target trip is a struggle( oh how I love me some Target).  Most of all I miss being so far away from my incredible family and all of my life-long friends.  The perfect example is that recently I had to miss the wedding of one of my dearest friends.  I tirelessly fought my health and my doctors to give me the go ahead to travel back to WI to see my beautiful friend marry her the love of her life, and her best friend.  I am still devastated that I couldn't be there to celebrate such a momentous event in a girl's lifetime.

I have never been the type of girl whom shows her emotions in public settings. I would rather be a fly on the wall than the center of attention.  I prefer to keep my tears and intimate feelings for when I'm alone, or with my closest of friends.  It's like night and day...get me alone for a one-on-one, in a small group setting I'll babble on for hours.  Seriously, people have to remind me to drink because I haven't shut my yapper for like 45 minutes!  Ha!!  Lately things have changed and I've been crying everywhere I go.  When friends and family ask about my health, I cry.  When I look through old pictures, I cry.  When someone wants to go out for a meal, I cry because it's a waste of money for me to go. I will just end up vomiting it all up, usually even before we leave the restaurant.  Sorry, I know that was gross, but it's true.  When I see photos and posts uploaded by my friends and family I get extremely jealous and envious.  I, of course, am so very happy that my friends and family members are doing well and basking in success!  I just wish I had that opportunity myself.  I  constantly feel worthless, sickly, like a financial burden, and a puffy hot mess(For real, I'm sure people are thinking "Is that the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man"?)  Those are difficult feelings to address and overcome.  They are always lingering.  

Besides feeling hideous and insecure everyday, my stomach is always in knots.  The churning in my stomach is not only from my illness, it is also brought on by guilt, shame, uncertainty and paralyzing fear.  Most of all my stomach and brain are always reeling because I don't know how much time I have left of my life. Do I have days, weeks, years?  How much longer will this torture continue?  Why was I chosen to to live life this way?  What did I do to deserve all of this pain and anguish.  I have/could ask these questions for years and never get a straight answer.  I try not to dwell on the questions anymore, like I used to, but those feelings still enter my mind regularly.  I no longer wallow in self pity, but I can most certainly get lost and become preoccupied by the "what ifs" and frustration of the situation.

I want to live a long full life.  I want to go back to the fun-loving, silly, and carefree days I used to enjoy.  I do have "good" days during this portion of my life.  Unfortunately they are few and far between, but I am a super lucky girl that I continue to have these joyful days!  They are a spectacular pick-me-up after endless treatments and time spent in the hospital.

Life, in general, is challenging for all of us (well most of us).  We never know what each new day will bring.  My motto is to find something to celebrate on everyday.  No matter how you choose to celebrate is in the "eye of the beholder".  It can be something small like splurging on a tasty treat, or going on a vacation!  We all need  a break from the daily grind from time-to-time.  Life is much too short to spend every second dealing with work and other various responsibilities.  Of course, those factors are important and need to be addressed, but we all need time to take a step back sometimes and decompress.  Guaranteed the mess, the stress, the frustration, the bills and any/all emotional hardships will still be there after taking a few moments to yourself, but taking the time to breath and relax for a few moments will vastly improve your well-being.  Allowing yourself to slow down a bit and regroup will also bring clarity and a calmer demeanor which, in turn, will provide for a more productive evening/weekend.  That also means you will have more time to spend with family and friends.  Nothing trumps quality time with loved ones.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

Each treatment I have, every time I get poked and prodded by needles, each scan performed, every awful drink (barium) I have had to choke down, and sporting the beauty of a hospital gown (or my moo-moo as I tend to call it) is all worth it.  As long as I can continue to making such joyful memories and life-long friendships, I will happily be a human pin cushion and a "regular" at the hospital.  

There is and elderly man at the cancer that tells me over and over again that I am like Norm from Cheers.  I make quite an entrance when I walk through those hospital doors and everyone knows Meg has arrived.  His name is Augustus, but everyone calls him Auggie.  It's such a heartwarming feeling when fellow patients are just as excited to see you as you are to them.  If I have time I stop and I'll swap stories with the adorable oldies before I head back for my treatments.  If I don't have time to chat I always make sure to walk by them and give them a wink and a smile.  They love it!  They are so stinkin' cute!!  I'm always all bubble when I walk into my treatment area.  The technicians, nurses and doctors used to always question why I looked so happy as I walked into my radiation session.  Now they all know it's because of my precious friends I see the minute I walk through the hospital doors.  I wouldn't have it any other way!