The heart is the strongest organ/muscle in the body. It has so many functions and is vital to stay alive. No matter how strong it is it's exceedingly fragile and easily broken. Too many of us guard our hearts which often restrict us from the love and true passion we could all feel and share. Just like our bones can break, our hearts can ache from intense pain. It is important to remember that our hearts will heal over time, and will be ready to let a stronger love in. The love we deserve and will deeply cherish forever.
As I reflect upon my life, I can't help but feel I am living an unwanted life. I am grateful to be alive and to be surrounded by unconditional love and support from so many amazing people in my life. My husband has to put up with all of the difficulties my cancer presents on a daily basis. My parents, sister and closest friends get bombarded with calls, texts and emails that contain babble and ramble on about my health woes. I'm sure they all get annoyed by me pitying myself. I try my best not to burden those around me with the issues surrounding my cancer, but I must admit that sometimes the pain and frustrations becomes too much to handle on my own. I don't thank all of the marvelous people in my life that are always there for me enough. I am sorry about that. Your kindness and generosity is not lost on me. I am forever indebted to you all. You all hold a special place in my heart. That will never change.
Being the "sick girl"(and to have been going through it for so long), I get mostly "fluff" answers and empathetic sincerity from those around me. It doesn't matter if I've know them my entire life, or have just recently met them. I make them uncomfortable causing them to tell me what they think I want to hear because they don't want to upset me. It's a very sweet gesture, but when I ask questions I'm looking for honest answers. The most frustrating thing side effect of being sick is the 180 degree turn most of my friends have made to "accommodate" for my health concerns. Yes, I am sick. Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I have had to drastically change my "path" in life, but I'm still Meg. My exterior and my internal make-up may have been forced to change, but I am the same goofball kinda girl I have always been. I frequently and repeatedly sense that my friends and family are "walking on egg shells" around me because they are terrified that they are going to break me. I can feel their nervous energy, which in turn, makes me uneasy. It has caused many of my relationships to suffer. Avoiding me and my health issues is easier than understanding them, for the majority people. The last thing I would want to do is hinder any experiences for my friends and family. Therefore, many of my relationships have dissolved instead of strengthen. Above all else, that is the worst side effect of my cancer diagnosis. Pain is a close second. Pain comes and goes, but true friendships never fades. Sometimes it skyrockets and ever other aspect of life falls behind the torment and discomfort, but that feeling never lasts forever.
I am not very good at hiding my pain. From what I've been told by family and friends, I get an unsettling look on my face, and I become very quiet. Anyone who knows me that I am a chatty gal. Silence is a tell-tale sign that my illness is getting the best of me in that moment.
Recently, I have been getting asked one particular question a lot. An abundance of people have been asking; What does it "feels" like to have cancer? That question is challenging to answer. I deal with new pain, on-going pain and multiple levels of pain from one day to the next. My pain travels throughout my entire body. It is impossible to answer that question because my body, my mind, and many other "life issues" change daily. Some days the tumor on my spine makes it hard for me to get out of bed, or even walk. The tumors in my legs often make me feel like I'm walking with 50 pounds bags of flour strapped to them. I often get headaches, fatigue, nausea, dizziness, overpowering pain and fainting spells. I am living a life I have very little control of. I am living and unwanted life because the only other option is death. No one would ever to choose to live a life with a serious illness. My life is intimidating and my health dictates what I can and cannot do. It makes me feel like a child. I have to be constantly monitored, so that I don't inflict more injuries and damage to my body. I have many battle scars from fainting and smashing my head into a hard surface. Each morning is a new unexpected "adventure" when pain is the only constant in my life anymore.
The physical pain can be relentless at times, and other times it's bearable.
The emotional pain and struggles stay with me at all times. I am saddened by the restrictions my cancer has presented me with over the years, and that impedes with my cyclic life.
Above all else the financial stress is the most formidable and demanding facet of my cancer battle. I am not the only one coping with this responsibility as I fight for my life. My cancer fight has affected my entire family with a myriad demands. They are forced to face with helping pay by medical bills all too often. Without the help of my family, friends, doctors and even a few complete strangers, I would be unable to continue my healthcare. It continues to be a daily struggle and I carry a lot of guilt because of these financial requirements. All we can do is take it one day at a time, but that is easily said then done.
Throughout my cancer fight I have been fortuitous and fairly prosperous to have manageable hardships. I am lucky to be able to walk, be able to breath on my own, and to be able to continue a fairly "normal" life, as of yet. There is no way of knowing what the future has in store for me. If I live or die, I'm not going on without a fight!!
I won't sugar coat it, CANCER SUCKS, but having cancer has taught me a lot at the same time. I know more about the body and how it functions. Much more that I would learn in school. I have learned that cancer does not define me. I think I have always been a loving and compassionate person, but having cancer has heightened and improved these important areas of my life. I know the doctors are busy doing the technical work(which is fantastic) the best form of healing is spending time with my family and friends. They all give me the strength when I am weak, the confidence to face my fears, and the hope to keep fighting!
The worst pain of all is the hurt my family and friends go through. They are bystanders during this horrible time in my life. I want them all around me as much as possible but I know they have their own lives to live. They are all with me in spirit guiding me through this journey. I feel the support deep within my soul each and everyday. The encouragement is shown to me through phone calls, texts, cards, emails, hugs, and "I love you's". I will never find the right words to thank you all for helping me as I continue to kick cancers tushy!
As you have read above in this post, my treatments are very expensive. At times we are so tapped out financial that we are barely able to by food. We work as long and as hard as we possibly can to improve our income, but we just can't get ahead. It a horrifying, stressful and an extremely difficult time in our lives.
I recently found out that I got approved for a surgery at Sloan-Kettering in NYC. This surgery could significantly improve my condition. The surgeon at MSK is one of the best(if not THE best) oncology surgeons in the U.S. There is also a chance that there is too much damage to my spine ad pelvis, so paralysis is a risk. My spine and pelvis are crumbling from the tumor which could also cause paralysis, so what do I have to lose? I hope the surgery will be a success!
I know this was a super long post, so I will wrap it up! My fantastic sister has started up the GoFundMe site for donations to help with the trip to NYC. I truly hate asking for handouts. I feel like such a bum/charity case. My eyes fill with tears and my heart breaks when I am forced to reach out to family and friends for financial help. I apply for as much aid I can, but nothing ever works out. I no longer know what to do. We struggle with our regular bills and MSK is not going to be cheap. My insurance only covers 40% percent, so the rest is out of pocket. Who knows how expensive this surgery is going to cost. I can't imagine it will be cheap. My family is also going to be in NYC with me. They will have to get a hotel and will need to eat out a lot since they can't cook. Sloan has given up a list of hotels that have hospital rates, but it is still NYC. Not much is cheap there even if it is only a ten minute walk to the hotel. We also need to by train tickets from Syracuse to NYC and my parents will be driving to Syracuse before we head to MSK. The expenses add up quickly. I could be there for 4 days or 4 weeks. There is no way of knowing until we get there.
If you are willing and able to donate to the GoFundMe campaign, please do. Your generosity is cherished and will never be forgotten. Thank You!!!!
The link to the GoFundMe site is posted below⬇️
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