Choices

The journey of life sometimes steers us down unfamiliar paths.  Life has an interesting way of pointing us, and often guiding us in directions we were never expecting to travel.  Some good and some bad, depending how we react to the situations we've stubble upon.  While walking along these paths we become more and more courageous with each step we take, be it big or small.  As our courage grows we gain the strength to continue moving forward and face our fears.  With each new stride we open ourselves up to an abundance of a discoveries and new beginnings.  No matter how difficult and terrifying they may be, we must keep traveling along the "road of life".  The future has endless experiences to offer, and many more exciting life events to enjoy.

Don't let life pass you by. Don't assume you'll have one more day. Stop pushing back all of the things you've been waiting to do. Embrace life while you still can. I know that I regret not doing more while I was in better health. I never would have thought that at 30 years old I would feel the bodily restrictions of most 80+ year olds. 

I am not one to tell people what to do, or impart unwanted advice, but I would like to share a bit of what I have learned in my 30 years. I am probably going to sound like a teacher, a preacher, a parent, etc, and for that I am sorry. I have learned more over the past seven years than the prior 23. Society will be filled with temptation, ignorance, arrogance, and cynicism. They will always be there and cannot be ignored. It is the choices we make. The decisions we choose in which to deal with our burdens and obstacles that express our true character. 

The road to our future is long, winding, and filled with many surprises. There is no escaping the inevitable, but we all have the prerogative to live our lives in the manner in which we see fit. We all write our own stories.  I can no longer always be angry and depressed by the "cards I've been dealt". I can only live my life one day at a time. I will always be willing to listen to thoughts and suggestions about my well-being, but sometimes the conclusion will ultimately come to a stalemate. In that situation we will have to agree to disagree. There is no use in fighting the issue. A life without choices is a life not worth living. Always follow what "feels" right to you. When you trust your heart, there is no reasoning for regret.

If I Needed You

If I needed you

Would you come to me

Would you come to me

For to ease my pain

If you needed me

I would come to you 

I would swim the seas

For to ease your pain

For the past four or five years I have been told that before/after I faint and when I'm in excruciating pain I close my eyes and replay that song over and over.  I have even asked whomever I'm with me to sing with me. None of my nurses, doctors, or family members have ever been able to tell me the name of the song, or sing along with me.  The medical professionals always said that I sing it with a weak voice and very softly.  Each time I sing the song I also have a strong emotional response.  The tears I cry in that moment are not only from the pain, and all the constant internal struggles that I endure every day of my life.  I have continued to sing that song during troubled times and I often hum it to "my" kids at the children's hospital when I tuck them into their beds for the night.  This song has been a source of calming in my life.  A song I don't recall ever hearing and that those I play it around me genuinely never recognize it at all. That is until now.

I recently recieved an email from a nurse/friend I saw more often than not when I lived in Arizona.  She and I became fast friends.  We lost touch, because we don't have many chances to see each other.  She still lives in Phoneix and I live in New York.  It's challenging to make cross country trips.  Fortunately, we text, talk and email as much as we can.  Recently I came across a particular exciting email was a complete surprising to me. The subject line read:"If Ever You Need Me".  In the email she explains how she has never given up on me, or of successfully finding the name of the song and the right version.  Some of you may think this is a small, menial, and inferior task for my nurse in Arizona.  I know not knowing that song has been driver her crazy too.. This song has been an enigma and such a nuisance, to both of us, over the years.  

We all must find our best, most peaceful, and successful ways of cope.  No matter what decision you make in life you will always need to remember, when you need someone, they will come to you, for to ease your pain. The best part of this song also recites:

If you needed me, I would come to you

I would swim the seas, For to ease your pain.  Allow those around you from the start. It's extremely challenging and unbelievabley terrifying. Accept the help you need. Spoken from a true hard-ass.

Be the best you! I know that is what gets me through my darkest hours. Happiness is a privilege, hold tight to those kite strings. One, or many can easily fly away. 

Bits and Bobs

Life sucks!  Sometimes it's as simple as that.  There is no way around it.  It's that moment when you just have to throw your hands in the air and surrender to the circumstances in order to start over with a clean slate.  We all go through peaks and valleys as we navigate our individual journey along the many "paths" presented to us each day.  Luckily there are many different "roads" to follow.  If the first choice doesn't turn out as we hoped, or expected, we can go back to start and choose another "path".  It's frustrating, aggravating, discouraging, sad and often very lonely when your life is controlled by a horrible disease that is slowly killing you.  Forgive me for such a cynical and disgruntled start to this blog post.  Not only am I overwhelmed by my own health situation, my family has started the new year with many stressful, challenging, and traumatic situations.  It is only mid January.  I'm terrified to see what the rest of the year has yet to bombard us with.

Every step I take, every decision I make, and all plans I make are alway tentatively made.  I can never RSVP 100% yes to events, dinners, parties, or even meeting up with a friend at the dog park for a little while.  Most of (ok, pretty much all of the time) I have to decline invitations to any type of occasions, so I don't have to call at the last minute to cancel the arrangement we mutual agreed upon.  I hate disappointing my friends and family.  My only option is to distance myself from everyone I love because I cannot continue this "song and dance" forever.  It's heartbreaking for me.  I have reached a point in my cancer battle that some days I can't even get out of bed.  That feeling is undeniably petrifying.  I look and feel like a big 'ole hot mess most every day.  I understand that some/most of my friendships have dissolved.  Why would anyone want to waste time dealing with my illness(the physical side effects are brutal), and/or be bored out of their mind because I'm on bed rest.  Every one is better off if I just fade away while every one else is out living it up and enjoying life.

Cancer has not only taken away my social life, but the professional and philanthropist areas of my life as well.  I continue to have this internal struggle with feeling like a worthless bum.  I don't contribute anything to my family, my friends, the U.S., the world, even the universe.  I do much more damage than good.  Just call me "hurricane Meg", "tornado Meg" for the Midwestern states and "shake-a-shaka boom-boom Meg" out on the west cost.  I had to have at least one fun nickname to describe my destructive forcefield.

As I look back, the legitimately pensive part of my life is that I have been a "professional patient" for over half my life.  Almost seven of those years have been with a confirmed cancer diagnosis.  It's outrageous and depressing to think about my life strictly by the numbers.  I suppose it's fitting though.  Most days I feel more like a science project, or just a number in the line-up of other patients.  It's easy to forget underneath all of my health concerns is a person.  Even though I am 30 years old, and I have been to more doctors and hospitals than anyone would ever care to see.  Underneath it all I am still a scared little girl.

The most alarming, uncomfortable and extremely embarrassing component to being a "professional patient" is that I don't think there is a single area inside, or on the surface of my body that hasn't been seen/examined by physicians, nurses, techs, pretty much the entire medical staff.  All my "bits" and "bobs" have been poked, prodded, pinched, squeezed and squished at one point or another.  My insides have been scoped, scraped, lasered, explored, and cut.  Every inch of my body has been scanned, x-rayed, and put through series-upon-series of multiple other tests and treatments.  There isn't an area of my body that hasn't been seen, examined and re-examined.  All discretion has been "thrown out the window" by now.

There is no longer and mystery, privacy, or boundaries with my doctors, or the rest of the healthcare staff.  Honestly... What is left to see?....oh, that's right, nothing!  All my healthcare professionals have seen all my "goodies", more than I care to admit.  The simple thought of what doctors and nurses see on a daily basis make me think of the Dr. Suess book "Oh, the places you'll go".  It's more like "Ew, the places you have to go".  Those poor doctors.  I can barely look at myself from shoulders up in the mirror, muchless look at my unmentionables.  Sometime I wonder what doctors are really thinking about when they see their patients with all their "bits" and "bobs" hanging out.  It's utterly embarrassing as a patients at the doctor's office, but what do doctors think about when you have a chance meeting outside of the office setting?  Are they thinking..."Yep, I just checked her whoo-ha for "the herp" yesterday.  Lucky for that guy she's hanging all over the test came back negative.  By the looks of her "extracurricular" activities, I'll be doing another STD check very soon".  Maybe they are recounting about a few days ago when they had to cram a tube up dear old Mrs. Burton's bum when they bump into her at the grocery store, and how difficult it's going to be sharing the results with her at the follow-up appointment tomorrow.  I'm sure most physicians try to remove themselves from doctor-mode when they are outside of the office, but it has to be impossible to completely detach from what they encounter because of their field of profession.  I don't know from personal experience, but plastic surgeons must have the best stories!  I can only imagine the unrealistic requests and the uttermost ridiculous expectations certain people have that result in some pretty hilarious stories!

It's all these "bits" and "bobs" that make up who we are and how we function.  It's important to take care of them no matter how agonizing and awkward it is to seek medical attention.  Doctors are available to us as a reliable resource to help every one feel their best and maintain our optimal health.  They have all seen numerous people's "bits", "bobs", "whoo-ha's" and "booties".  I let fear and insecurities prevent myself from far too many things I've wanted to do, and things I needed to do in my life.  Never limit yourself when a simple phone call can help prevent a future without choices and provide a future filled with endless potential.

Holiday Nostalgia

Do to on-going health issues(as many of you know), and many continuous financial issues that I have had to endured over the past six years prevent me from being with my family during many months of the year.  I suffer from depression, anxiety, and insomnia on a day-to-day basis, but each of those conditions are wildly exhasterbated when I am forced to miss family gatherings.  Especially the holidays.  I would sacrifice a limb, I would take a bullet, I would make this day my last for one more magical day with my family and friends.  For "Pete's Sake", I would sell my soul to the devil himself just to celebrate a traditional holiday once again!

We had plans to be with family during Thanksgiving, but my health took a turn for the worse.  On top of that our heater at the house decided to quit functioning.  It was inevitable, we would not be traveling back to Wisconsin for Thankgiving. We would not be spending quality time with those we love, and rarely see. We would not get to delight in the delicious Thanksgiving meal and all the tasty treats.  I barely moved out of bed other than to vomit(gross...sorry), and my husband coordinated everything with the heating company.  What a pleasant Thankgiving, eh?  I shouldn't complain. There are many people with much less. We all deserve generosity, caring, and help during the holidays.

I didn't think I would be able to spend any holidays with my family this year, but much to my surprise my doctors gave me clearance to travel!  I am absolutely elated that I get to spend Christmas with my remarkable family.  Being back in the town I grew up in is like living in a fairytale.  Reminceing about all the holidays I commorated in this close knit community.  I took it for granted for all those years.  I can now see the heart, the soul, the whimsy, the compassion, the love, and the honor that each and everyone brings to this town and so many towns like it around the world.  It's breathtaking.  I am blessed that my "blinders" have been stripped off just in time.  My eyes have been broader to notice the stunning elegance and grandeur that the holidays allocate to those whom take the time to observe the meaning behind the glitter and shimmer.

We live in a fast-passed, high-energy, money-hungry, over-worked and exhausted world.  I am certainly guilty of it myself.  I am not a life coach, a therapist, a counselor, or a social worker. I will never claim to be one.  I just "call 'em like I see 'em".  Most of us need to take a step back for a while.  Relaxation is a GOOD thing.  It will make us more productive, and a hell of a lot nicer to be around.  The holidays are the perfect time to take a break.  Spend time with family and friends.  There doesn't even have to be gifts involved.  I know figuring out what to buy for people can be extremely taxiing on a person.  Just spend time together.  I think everyone would be surprised how rewarding that type of holiday can be.  Friendship and love is a timeless gift.

Happy Holidays! XOXO

Wishing and hoping for more time

THOUGHTS


Dawn turns to day,
As stars are dispersed;
Wherever I lay,
I think of you first.

The sun has arisen,
The sky, a sad blue.
I quietly listen,
The wind sings of you.

The thoughts we each keep,
That are closest to our hearts,
We think as we sleep,
And you're always my last thought.



CRY


I know I cry a lot,
For many reasons,
Such as, sad movies, abandoned dreams,
Songs that remind me of the past, and on
Particularly rough day most anything can
Bring on the tears. But lately, what I've been
Crying about the most is myself.
I know it is terribly selfish and insensitive to
All of those around me whom have shown me so
Much support and unconditional love.
I can't help dwelling on the person I used to be,
The person I lost, and the future I may never
Experience.

Holiday Wishes

It's more than obvious that the holiday season is in "full swing".  The stores aisles are filled with gift ideas, decorations for inside and outside, all the traditional holiday baking fixin's, and all sorts of cute gift wrapping paper, as well as, adorable stocking stuffers. The city workers put up lights along all of the treelined streets, all of the greenery in the community parks, and they fancy up the lampposts, as well as, many other areas of the town. There is a crisp chill in the air, shimmering snow on the ground, holiday songs blaring, both classic and new.  The best part of this glorious holiday season is coming home after a long day, changing into cozy PJ's, making yourself a warm mug of tea, hot chocolate, coffee, or apple cider, snuggling into a warm blanket, and putting on a favorite holiday movie or cherished holiday music.  It doesn't get much better than that!

It's not the gifts that bring us joy and happiness during the holiday season.  Yes, of course, they help.  Who doesn't enjoy recieving gifts? I would never turn down a gift, ha! Believe me, I am no Mother Theresa.  I try to give back as much as I can because I have been shown so much support, love and encouragement over the years.  My entire life, not only just the cancer years. I am fortunate to be able to give back without risking my health, or the health of others.  Anything I can do to help a friend, or a complete stranger in need, I will do my best to help out.  Nothing will stop me from putting a smile on the face of someone feeling down.  Even the strongest person needs a little(or big) miracle sometimes....or should I say say a little magic?

Most people who read this post may I think "she's officially lost her marbles"! That could very well be true. I'll be the first to admit it, but I think bringing back simplicity, love, and time shared with the ones we love need to be returned to the spirit of Christmas and the Holiday season.  Allow yourselves to smile "just because" and take a step back from the "daily grind" and the rut of the same ole stale routine we get stuck in without even recognizing it.


What I would like to know is what are your Holiday wishes this year? Do you want to embark on an amazing vacation? Do you want to change careers? Do you hope to get married or have a baby this year? Do you want to get a puppy? Do you want to change you hair color or cut?

I am very interested to hear all of your holiday wishes, if you are willing to share them with me. You never know I might be able to put in a good word and turn that wish into reality!

Feel free to share your wish with me through:
A comment on this blog site
A comment on Google+
Facebook
Twitter

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Love outlives us all

If you love something, love it completely, cherish it,
Say it, but most importantly, show it. Life is finite
And fragile, and just because something is there one
Day, it might not be the next. Never take that for
Granted.

Say what you need to say, then say a little more.
Say too much. Show too much. Love too much.

Everything is temporary, but love.
Love outlives us all.

Never forget the little things in life

It's the small moments 

And memories

In life that

Make up the 

Big picture of our lives

I apologize for my extended absence from my blog.  I have had some unexpected setbacks regarding my healthcare and personal plans.  Both of which have put me in a bit of a "funk".  I've been a mess both physically and emotionally.  I had a trip planed to go back home to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving to see family and friends. I was going to spend an entire week back in my hometown!  My doctors gave me clearance and I was as gitty as a child on Christmas morning.  I was elated to be traveling back home for a traditional Thankgiving with my family and catching up with some friends!  Naturally, nothing went as planned.  I never made it home.  My health took a massive downward spiral right before we were supposed to leave.  Talk about an emotional breakdown.  I was looking forward to that trip for so long and the "rug got ripped right out from under me".  My heart broke into a million pieces.  I cried every day I was supposed to be there.  I have no clue when I will be able to get back to WI.  Knowing that is devastating as well.

Cancer has not only taken away the monumentous and extremely eventful moments in my life.  It is absolutely depressing not being able to partake in those events, but most of all I miss the "little things" in life that make life unique and personal.

I miss:

"girls nights out",

going to the mall with my gal pals

going out to dinner with family and/or friends and not throwing it all up, 

sleeping through the night, 

dancing in the rain, 

going to the movies, 

dressing up and feeling pretty(even slightly pretty)

slow dancing,

being able to RSVP definite "yes" to events,

not having to struggle to swallow food & drink,

and having the spunk back in my personality.

Sorry this post was a bit somber and melancholy.  I am slowly coming out of my state of gloom and doom.  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  We all have so very much to be thankful for.  I know I am unbelievably fortunate to have the most incredible people in my life.  I couldn't ask for more.  We all must remember to give thanks for all of the blessings in our live more than just once a year.