Silence. Darkness. Peace. Relaxation. Sounds like the perfect combination for restful night of sleep. For most it is, but such a night, for me, is filled with pain and anxiety. When the room is permeated with such an eerily quietness and a sense of calmness, my mind become restless. Deep and dark manifestation of my fears arise. My heart races, my hands and feet tremble, my breathing becomes erratic, my ears ring, the pain becomes unbearable, and if worse comes-to-worse, I will have a serious panic attack. The most difficult part of each night is the suffering all alone. While the world is happily in dreamland, I am fighting horrible inner and outer demons. Demons I have tried to conquer for many, many years.
Perhaps the most troubling aspect to my sleep deprivation is the restrictions that have been put on my life lately. Jumping back into intense treatment has really "done a number" on my body. I constantly feel depleted and honestly pretty worthless. Recently, I have been having trouble with my memory and a few other functions that I have never had issues with in the past. I can't help but wonder "Am I slipping away"? "If this is the end, will I get to say goodbye before I go"? Naturally I hope that I will have more time than less.
Listen to me go on-and-on about my petty problems. I have so much to be grateful and appreciative for. Life is an on-going battle, but if you have determined and uncompromising army around you, getting through the strenuous times can be much more navigable.
When I was first diagnosed I thought I could beat this thing all by myself. Eight years later I know that I can't and it's not shameful to ask for help. I still have my moments. I never want to be a burden to anyone, but I also know that cancer sucks! I wouldn't be here today without the support of my family, friends, and healthcare workers whom have all assisted me along this long and arduous journey.
I also want to thank all of you out there that take the time out of your days to read my blog! Words cannot express my gratitude! XOXO
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