Disguising the Pain

The other day I had a serious conversation with my mom.  The reality of my current situation truly set in.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't taken off guard by the discussion we had, but I also understand where my mom was coming from.  She only wants what's best for me.  

After learning of my new diagnosis, and being informed that it has already metastasized, my parents decided that it is time to ask about my wishes after death.  The morbidity of my cancer took center stage.  We have talked about the possibility of my death coming sooner than expected before, but this time was different.  My death wasn't addressed with "what if", rather it was questioned with "when you die"...  My thoughts immediately went to "whoa, these questions are real".  There is a strong possibility that I will pass on before my parents.  After putting my family through years of struggle due to my health, I am also going to leave them with the burden of my death.  That was a lot for me to take in.  I am still trying to digest it all.  My defense mechanism has always been to turn topics that become too "real" for me into a laughing matter.  I was joking around with my mom while we had this conversation, but between the jokes, truths came out.  It was a strange phone call, to say the least.  I don't think anyone else but my mother could have navigated what I was saying.  It is difficult for me to express what I want at my funeral, and the details of my burial without diverting to humor.  

Most of my friends and family know my mannerisms.  They understand that poking fun at my health is a way for me to stay positive, and avoid the heartache cancer has brought to my life.  It is not just my life that is being affected daily by my illness.  Everyone who comes in contact with me experiences the hardships of cancer.  The truth of the matter is that most of people around me only skim the surface of my disease.  I tend to deflect the conversation before it reveals the honesty of my day-to-day life.  On the other hand, there are people in my life who choose to avoid my situation.  It is easier for them to steer clear of discussing what is happening regarding my healthcare.  Either way, I try to maintain a happy and positive exterior, but inside I am torn to pieces. 

When I am alone, or with those closest to me, my emotions come to the surface.  The physical and emotional pains are no longer hidden.  For every smile and laugh there is a frown and tears.  I live in fear.  I am not afraid of death.  I am afraid of leaving the ones I love before I am ready to.  I am scared that I won't have the opportunity to say my goodbyes.