I am so very sorry it has been so long since my last post. Life has had me on one heck of a roller-coaster lately. I'm sure many, if not all, of you can relate. Just when you feel that the chaos is easing, that's when your realize it was only the "calm before the storm". Luckily, I have the love and support of my incredible family, my fantastic friends, as well as, the knowledge of the hospital staff and fellow patients. Knowing I can count on these wonderful people whom have surrounded themselves around me and will uproot their own lives in order to better mine, is humbling. From simple gestures to grandiose declarations of encouragement, each of those moments have touched my heart and have greatly impacted my life. I will never know how to thank you all enough, or pay you all back for the years of struggles, hardships, breakdowns, peaks and valleys each one of you have helped me navigate my way through. I often feel guilty, like a troublesome mess, and a source of extreme burden to all those whom over-extend themselves to alleviate my pain and suffering. My illness continuously prevents me from "returning the favor", or "paying it forward". I desperately want to enhance the lives of those around me and those whom have cared for me over the years, but more often than not, my plan back-fires before I can take action to show my appreciation. My endless amount of health issues make me feel worthless, prevent me from participating in activities I long to be a part of, and tamper with the gestures of appreciation I wish to acknowledge for all the kind sentiments the lovely people in my life have expressed to me. Although my opulent ideas and goals far to often "crash and burn". The love is never lost.
My mom and my second mom(my best friends mom) recently traveled to New York for a short visit. They drove hours upon hours in the car, dealt with travel expenses, and took time away from their busy lives just to come and see me. I do not feel that I warrant such generosity. I must admit that having them with me warms my heart and soul. They travel hours to check-in on me and convey their support without any expectations from me. How many of us can say that they have had any friends and/or family members visit without presuming they will be rewarded for taking time away from their lives to spend with us? Many people in my life (my supposed friends and/family) make promises and organize get-togethers that never come to fruition. I have been told many times that "I'm not doing my part" when it comes to a friendship, or other types of relationships. I have been called exhausting, annoying, frustration and humiliating by people I thought were my friends/family. I am sorry if the fact that I have cancer interferes with my so called "friends" lives. I'm sorry I am such an embarrassment. I'm sorry that I am unable to accommodate all of my friends/families "needs". I can barely afford the medication I need to maintain/improve my cancer. Believe me, if I could I would spoil all of the wonderful people in my life! All of those whom have been their since day one of my cancer diagnosis. Those whom have displayed genuine concern everyday since I've found that I have a serious illness. There are a few main groups of people that have formed since finding out about my cancer diagnosis. These groups include; the bum-loser types, the outrageously inquisitive types, the smothering types, the people whom want nothing to do with me, as if I had a plague, and those whom have expressed authentic involvement during this difficult time in my life. That is a huge part of what made my mom's and momma J's trip so much fun and beautifully memorable. Sharing stories, crying, laughing, embracing one another, and simply enjoying each other's company is truly the best gift I could ever ask for, and the gift I can promise to ALWAYS share. Life is about the journey and the memories made along the way. The simplest acts of kindness often provide the most impact. The material gifts, and recognizing the pity in the eyes of everyone that is informed about my state is health are all just distractions from facing the facts. I have cancer. I am sick and I don't know how long I will be fighting this battle. The one thing I do know, and I can proudly say is, that cancer does not define me!! My appearance may rapidly change, my illness will lead me down many curvy/bumpy roads, but my heart and soul are still in tact. Clearly enduring a long bout of cancer comes with many physical limitations and no longer allows me to be impulsive or spontaneous, but my heart holds the same compassion and sincerity as always. I welcome new experiences with a clear mind and an open heart. Every moment of the day is treasured and I am enthusiastic when it comes to trying a new activity. Life is too short. Whether the new day brings extravagance and thrills, or it is filled with simple pleasures, we should always acknowledge the joy brought into our lives, and the happiness we may encounter along life's crazy ride.
Since moving to the Syracuse area, I have met dozens of doctors and nurses. The medical professional's hours and shifts vary from week to week. I have to admit that is difficult for me. I love people, in general, and I relish the idea of getting to know those around me on a more personal level. It continues to surprise me when I discover the many similarities and connections some of the nurses/fellow patients and I have in common. For instance their is an adorable nurse at the cancer center who loves Barbara Streisand almost as much as I do! Her favorite movie Babs ever stared in is also my favorite. "Funny Girl" is a legendary in my house hold. After we found out about our mutual love for "Funny Girl" every time she enters my room she says "Hello Gorgeous" exactly how Babs recites it in the beginning of the movie. Even though I know it's coming, it never fails to put a smile on my face. That is the perfect example of embracing the simple pleasures life sends our way. A minuscule phrase such as that would easily be lost and forgotten about within minutes to most of the population. I consider myself lucky to be where I'm at in my life. I'm sure most of you are questioning how I could think of a cancer diagnosis as a stroke of fortune, but without having to deal with such intense medical issues I have been forced to evaluate my life from a completely different point of view. My life has slowed down drastically since I have become ill. I have the time to cherish the intimate, natural, uncomplicated, effortless, and indearing moments that occur each day. I am no longer letting my life pass me by. Yes, I regularly worry about financial issues, my health woes, and the strain I put on my family and friends, but reflecting upon even the smallest gifts of generosity make my life worth living.
Cancer can undoubtedly destroy the lives of many in an instant, if you let it. I allowed myself to succumb to the fear, the horrible stories of life with cancer, and the deep depression of an uncertain future during my first year of treatments. That lifestyle didn't suit me. My cancer may wreak havoc on/inside my body. It may interfere with planned daily adventures, vacations, or getaways. My cancer will most likely end my life much sooner than later, but knowing that makes me a better person. I can be my "true self" everyday. I refuse to be pushed aside, ignored, taken advantage of, or bury my emotions. My laughter, my tears, my anxieties, my courage, my strength, my weaknesses, my excitement, my craziness, my pain and my fight are all genuine. The emotions and reactions I experience each day come from deep within. There is no room for sugar-coating, denial, tip-toeing around difficult subject matter, or pity in my daily routine. I have too many smiles to put on the faces of all whom I may encounter, too much love to spread, too much determination, and too many supporters in my life to let the negativity invade my mindset, as well as, my ultimate goal to win this war between mind and body, cancer and survival. You can continue to push me down, cancer, but I will never stop tirelessly "stepping up to the plate". I will not quit as long as there are options out there for me to try. You can kick me when I'm down, but I refuse to stay down for long. This is a fight to the death and I intend on emerging victorious! All the while remembering to keep the hope alive, love intensely, and never being afraid to dance to my own tune. We only have one chance at life. Wasting it away has, and will never be an option!
Our lives are fragile. We cannot predict which type of path the future holds for us. The one thing I do know is that staying positive will make the trail easier to navigate, and the future worth fighting for.
