Change

I used to be terrified of change.  I was much more comfortable having a routine, and knowing how each day was going to go (for the most part).  I planned as much as my life I could.  I didn't mind surprises, but I preferred knowing what was going to happen day-to-day.  I know that we cannot plan our entire lives, but I tried my hardest to plan it all.

I now know that it was ridiculous trying to organize every detail in my life.  Life is full of surprises, and unplanned events.  They are what make life interesting.  The first time I truly embraced change was when I decided to move to Arizona.  I had no clue what I was getting myself into.  My fiance had just passed away, I had never seen the place I was going to live, and I had a job with a crazy schedule.  I could no long avoid change.  I was about to turn my life upside down.  I experienced many difficult times during my first year in Arizona, but I also learned a lot about myself, and life in general.

I moved 4 times in 10 months, I went through 3 jobs, and I found it very hard to make connections with new friends.  I was totally a "fish out of water".  There were many times I wanted to give up and move back to Wisconsin.  I had people I could rely on in Wisconsin, people I could depend on.  I was all alone in Arizona.  The only person I could rely on was myself.  I didn't think I was strong enough to get through the terrible times I was going through. 

After being forced to move for the fourth time and struggling with my finances I decided to go for a drive.  I thought it might clear my head.  As I was driving around I started to have a panic attack, and was crying so hard I had to park.  I drove into a Kohl's parking lot where I had a complete meltdown!  I was ready to go back to my apartment, clean out the place, and drive back home.  I was at my wits end.  As I was crying my eyes out in the parking lot the song "Fighter" by Christina Aguliera came on the radio.  I was inspired by the words in the song.  I knew I could not give up.  I needed to make the necessary changes to better my situation.

I wiped my eyes, and drove back to my apartment.  When I arrived home, I immediately got on my computer and started to look for places to live.  I found a posting from a girl looking for a roommate.  I emailed her, and two days later I was moving in.  The move was just what I needed!  Living with a girl around my age, and someone who was very familiar with the area helped my push through my tough time.  She was born and raised in Arizona, so she showed me a lot of cool areas, and provided me with a lot of information.  Her knowledge and positive energy motivated me to get back on my feet, and I started enjoying Arizona.  Within a week I landed a new job, and made some new friends.  I was really starting to like Arizona, as well as, feeling like I made the right decision to move.

I was feeling better in so many ways.  I had a wonderful job, a nice place to live and a group of new friends I hung out with regularly.  I even felt like was ready to start dating.  After a couple months I was introduced to Jeff.  I definitely hit the jackpot finding him.  We began seeing a lot of each other.  I knew pretty soon into our relationship that he was "the one".  I had never felt as loved as I did with Jeff.  He treated me better than any boyfriend ever had before.  I loved him like never I loved before. 

Within two months of dating Jeff I was hit was the shocking news that I had cancer.  I thought for sure Jeff would break up with me.  Our relationship was still new.  I would have understood if he wanted to leave me.  I knew I would be going through a lot regarding my health.  I didn't want to become a burden to him.  After finally starting to enjoy Arizona, I thought I would have to leave in order to have people around that I knew could help me through my cancer struggles.  I was shocked when Jeff told me he wanted to continue our relationship.  I was reassured that this guy was one of a kind.  I knew this was the man I was going to marry.

Here we are a year and a half into marriage, and I couldn't be happier.  My treatments, and my health in general make for a lot of uncertainty in my life.  I don't think I would be able to handle all of the sporadic events in my life if it wasn't for the struggles I went through during my first year in Arizona.  I try to take all of the changes in life with stride.  I now know that change can be very good, and it spices up life.

Not having a daily routine used to scare me, but I have become accustom to all of the ups and downs life throws at me.  In fact, going through life as a cancer patient has strengthened me in so many ways.  Not only am I embracing all of the changes in life, I have become much more introspective, as well as, retrospective.  I do not dwell on the past, but I try to learn from it.  I look back at the person I used to be, and the person I am today.  I have changed in so many ways.  I feel that I have grown up in many ways since moving to Arizona.

Along with sticking to a routine I set for my life, I was a very selfish person.  I put myself first, and didn't appreciate the people around me as much as I do now.  I have realized that life doesn't need to be planned every step of the way.  The unknown isn't as scary as it used to be.  I am living for the moment, not organizing my life for the future.  I enjoy all of the little surprises life throws my way.  I believe that with every bad comes a good.  I am determined to continue living by that mantra.

I don't regret my past, but I have learned so much from person I used to be to the person I am today.  I also know what kind of person I want to be in the future.  Even though I am struggling with cancer treatments, and my life is full of craziness, I love it!  I have been given the opportunity to slow down, and truly appreciate life.  Jeff and I live a simple life, but it is filled with so much love and happiness!  I have gotten the chance to know myself as an adult.  The core of the person I am hasn't changed, but I feel I am a completely different person today than before.  It amazes me when I think back at how the experiences in my life have made me into a new Meg.  I feel stronger than ever before.

I think it is hard for many of us to stop and enjoy the little things in life.  Life is hectic, and full of change.  I hope we can all learn to slow down in order to love with all our hearts, live life to the fullest, and make ourselves into the best person we can be.  I know I'm going to try and be the best Meg I can be!