It sounds so strange to say this, but I feel lucky to have been diagnosed with cancer. Crazy right?!? Don't get me wrong, I wish I didn't have to go through all of the struggles that come with a cancer diagnosis. I also wish I wasn't such a burden on my family and friends. My diagnosis has opened my eyes to so many things, and has made me appreciate the little things in life.
I am unable to work because of my strenuous treatments, and the unpredictability of my health. In turn, Jeff and I only have one income to live off of. His paycheck goes to bills and necessities. We have also had to reach out to family and friends for financial help. Our families are so generous and so many people donated to my cancer benefit. I am forever grateful for all of the amazing friends and family, as well as, the people I don't even know that participated in the benefit. The outcome was unbelievable and incredibly helpful. I cannot thank everyone enough!
Being on such a tight budget has been a struggle, but it has opened up a whole new world to me. I used to go out all the time, and spend money frivolously. That is no longer an option. I have had to learn an entirely new lifestyle. I am not complaining. I am fortunate for all of the things I have, and I try to no longer take anything for granted. With any extra money we do have, Jeff and I spend it on things like music and movies. I enjoy downloading different types of music and watching movies from all genres. I have really enjoyed exploring classic music, such as artists like Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Louis Armstrong. I also have fun with the music from 80's hairbands. I totally rock out while I'm in the shower, or while I'm cleaning our apartment. Along with divulging into new music, I enjoy watching old movies and foreign films. I really appreciate the artistry behind them, and learn so much from them.
The activity I have love the most is plunging into writing. I have always had a passion for writing, but never had the confidence to let anyone read anything I've written. I no longer worry about the criticism I may get. I am doing this for me. It is very therapeutic, and I'm having fun learn new types of writing. I also feel it is the best way for me to express myself. Most of the time I am a very out-going person, but I can get very shy at times.
Along with making the most of my time alone, I am surrounding myself with good company. I love having good conversations. I can talk to some people for hours. Whether it's hours or minutes, I fully embrace the time I share with the people in my life. Life is too short not too. There is nothing I enjoy more than being with friends and family. My husband and I make sure take time every night just to talk. We talk about anything and everything. We turn off any distractions, and just enjoy being together. Some nights we talk into the early hours of the morning. I always feel bad when Jeff doesn't get much sleep, but I wouldn't trade our conversations for anything. These conversations make our relationship and marriage stronger. We are so disgustingly in love, but I wouldn't want it any other way! He makes me so happy! I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have found such an amazing man!
When I first got my diagnosis, I felt like I was being punished. I felt like I was cursed to have health problems for the rest of my life. I know that I will have health struggles as long as I live, but I no longer consider my life to be cursed. As my good buddy Jake always says, "it takes too much energy to be negative all the time". I completely agree. I have to stay positive if I want to get through all of this. I want to always appreciate the wonderful things I have in my life. I try to always have a smile on my face, but I also let myself cry and be angry when I need to. I allow myself to feel every emotion that comes to me, but I don't allow myself to dwell on them. I have learned to work through all of my emotions, and reach out to people when I need help with the difficulties life throws at me.
I wish I didn't have to live with cancer, but I am no longer letting cancer define me. I feel that I am stronger than my cancer. I can beat this. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I don't have days that I doubt that I can win this battle. I can promise that I will continue to stay as positive as possible through all of this.
My life may not be glamorous, or that exciting, but I am so happy for the life I am living! I have an amazing support system rooting for me every day. I also feel like I am in the best emotional state I have ever been in. I live each day as if it was my last. Living with cancer the past 3 years has truly been a blessing in disguise.
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