I'm Free

Death is never an easy subject to talk about. Some people believe if you don't talk about it nothing will happen, as if it doesn't even exists. Others believe it's like saying the word "Beetlejuice". If you say it to many times it will happen in an instant. We all have all have different "theories" and "superstitions" when it comes to death.

There are also so many "fads" to helps us stay younger longer so that we can live longer, but is it worth it? Is it worth spending hundreds, thousands, or even millions of dollars on treatments and surgeries when death is imminent? These costly procedures cannot prevent deadly illnesses, deadly accidents, murder, acts of terrorism and/or suicide.

As human beings we are meant to age. The aging process is beautiful. Every scar, wrinkle, gray hair, aching bone, etc. should be celebrated. It is the war paint we wear every day. That is something to be proud of!

Those of us whom die continue to served a purpose on this Earth. It may not always be clear, but nevertheless there was a reason why that life was taken. Sorrow and grief often overshadows this understanding for a very long time. After a while acceptance and understanding is realized. That is when the healing can commence.

No matter how it happens. No matter how young or old. No matter the last time you saw the deceased. The pain and suffering are emotions that are unavoidable.

Since being diagnosed with cancer I have witnessed and dealt with more dealth than I ever thought I would in a lifetime. It never gets easier, but I have written this poem to help me stay positive though such a sorrowful time. Maybe it can help some of you during difficult times in your life.

I'm Free 

Don't grieve for me now, for I am free.
I am following the path I have laid out for myself.
I have done the best I could with what I had and what I knew,
But it was time for me to walk along another path.
It was time for me to end one journey and start anew.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
Leaving you is only the physical part,
I will forever stay true within your heart.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened by times of sorrow,
I wish you all the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full,
I have savored so much,
Good friends, good times, the touch of a loved one.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief.
Please don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share it with me,
Because I am free now and I am forever with you.

When one door closes, another one opens...

Sometimes you can't explain what you see in another person
It just the way they take you to another place no one else has even taken you before

You came into my life during one of the worst times
When I truly hated who I had become and the life I was living
I was no longer leading a life
I was simply going through through the motions
I was broken
I was beaten down and so badly bruised
I was so clearly damaged
I was fading fast
The end was near

But you, you fought your way in
You carried the tools to break down my protective shields
You saved me
In so many ways, you saved me

You loved me
You loved me despite all of my flaws
You didn't see them as flaws, but as beauty
You gave me the strength to love myself

Because of this powerful bond we have formed.
We would go to the ends of the Earth for each other.
Most importantly, I'm all in. I am trusting you when I fall

When I tell you I need you. You never take it lightly. That act of kindness alone means so much to me. Even though, I try everything imaginable in order to not be so dependable. I also feel I have to hold myself to a higher standard during this cancer battle. I need to be there for the family and "my" kids at the children's hospital/cancer center. I have to stay strong for all of the young boys and girls going through such a difficult illness. I have to be a shoulder to cry on for the parents(especially to explain the mumb-jumbo) the doctors spew at the families. I've been in the "game" long enough, so I better understand "doctor jargon" and "nurses chatter".

Being able to help educate, comfort, and advocate for these patients is the least I can do for these people whom have become my friends and their frightened families. I cannot show signs of my pain, struggle, weakness and fear because those emotions make me vulnerable and they will project onto those whom I'm trying to help. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or having pity for me.
Cancer can change any and everyone's life at any given moment.
Yes, at times I need help. I need more and more help as time goes on, but I won't allow my illness define, or stop me from enjoying the things I love.

Love the people who saw you when you were invisible to everyone else. My heart is filled with sadness for so many of the patients at the Children's hospital. Most of the kids there were born with a rare illness, cancer, etc... These children live in a hospital and get bounced around from facility to facility. They are constantly being poked and prodded. The only people the see are their parents, doctors and nurses. The should be outside playing with friends not in a hospitals hooked up to countless machines. These poor kids feel invisible. Can you imagine then only bedroom you've ever known being a hospital room?

Cancer is all consuming. There are many MANY challenging kinds, but there are many positive sides too. You just have you look a little harder for the positives. Most of the time they sneak up on you though. They are most definitely worth the wait!

P.S. Try step out of your comfort zone and get a hot stone massage. If not today, someday. Allow yourself "me" days and don't feel guilty about rechargeing your batteries, so you can be a better wife, mother, father, friend, and extended family member, etc...

Life is full of excitement if you let be!