I know I'm boring old news. Heck, it's more fun to watch paint dry than to listen to my on-going sob story. I'm annoyed of my own story and, I don't blame everyone else being "over" my "cancer journey". I'm sorry it isn't very entertaining.
Most of my friends are married with children, or whom are expecting children. It's beautiful. They are giving life to a little baby to which someone gave birth to. Friends my age are evolving and having families. I so desperately want to visit them all but I worry about getting the little ones sick, or my health concerns interfere with plans we put in place & and penciled in.
Excuse my langue, but even my geriatric friends are more energetic than I am. I think to myself daily "shit, how can I screw things up, or they not like it. I try to follow all my doctors instructions explicitly, everything from top to bottom. I'm still a mess. I had my 7th year anniversary of my diagnosis on April 7th. It was my golden anniversary....whoo hoo!! 😷😔
Family and friends I do see all approach me with their "kid gloves" on, like I'm going to break at any moment. I understand. My health is unpredictable. They are just being cautious, but I know my own body. I can ALWAYS use a hug. I am a grow-up the kid gloves are not necessary. I am still a person. I joke around, laugh, sing in the shower and in the car, I want to visit family. I enjoy catching up with friends. It have been nice being back in my home, but I miss my husband, Buckley and his big old Saint Bernard head, and my cuddle-bug Milo!
I must admit feel I have completely lost any and all identity I once had. I am just a patient, just a number where ever I go. It's heartbreaking. My doctors don't seem to be as proactive as they used to be. If they are giving up on me, then what is the point in me continuing along this path? The pain is unbarable and we have to travel so far for me to get the blood infusions and iron infusions I need. It's the worst feeling in the world. I'm useless and disposable.
Each one of us has the opportunity within us to write our own futures and forge forth toward our own opportunities. I have learned to face my fears and take chances in life , before it's too late.
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