Choices

The journey of life sometimes steers us down unfamiliar paths.  Life has an interesting way of pointing us, and often guiding us in directions we were never expecting to travel.  Some good and some bad, depending how we react to the situations we've stubble upon.  While walking along these paths we become more and more courageous with each step we take, be it big or small.  As our courage grows we gain the strength to continue moving forward and face our fears.  With each new stride we open ourselves up to an abundance of a discoveries and new beginnings.  No matter how difficult and terrifying they may be, we must keep traveling along the "road of life".  The future has endless experiences to offer, and many more exciting life events to enjoy.

Don't let life pass you by. Don't assume you'll have one more day. Stop pushing back all of the things you've been waiting to do. Embrace life while you still can. I know that I regret not doing more while I was in better health. I never would have thought that at 30 years old I would feel the bodily restrictions of most 80+ year olds. 

I am not one to tell people what to do, or impart unwanted advice, but I would like to share a bit of what I have learned in my 30 years. I am probably going to sound like a teacher, a preacher, a parent, etc, and for that I am sorry. I have learned more over the past seven years than the prior 23. Society will be filled with temptation, ignorance, arrogance, and cynicism. They will always be there and cannot be ignored. It is the choices we make. The decisions we choose in which to deal with our burdens and obstacles that express our true character. 

The road to our future is long, winding, and filled with many surprises. There is no escaping the inevitable, but we all have the prerogative to live our lives in the manner in which we see fit. We all write our own stories.  I can no longer always be angry and depressed by the "cards I've been dealt". I can only live my life one day at a time. I will always be willing to listen to thoughts and suggestions about my well-being, but sometimes the conclusion will ultimately come to a stalemate. In that situation we will have to agree to disagree. There is no use in fighting the issue. A life without choices is a life not worth living. Always follow what "feels" right to you. When you trust your heart, there is no reasoning for regret.

If I Needed You

If I needed you

Would you come to me

Would you come to me

For to ease my pain

If you needed me

I would come to you 

I would swim the seas

For to ease your pain

For the past four or five years I have been told that before/after I faint and when I'm in excruciating pain I close my eyes and replay that song over and over.  I have even asked whomever I'm with me to sing with me. None of my nurses, doctors, or family members have ever been able to tell me the name of the song, or sing along with me.  The medical professionals always said that I sing it with a weak voice and very softly.  Each time I sing the song I also have a strong emotional response.  The tears I cry in that moment are not only from the pain, and all the constant internal struggles that I endure every day of my life.  I have continued to sing that song during troubled times and I often hum it to "my" kids at the children's hospital when I tuck them into their beds for the night.  This song has been a source of calming in my life.  A song I don't recall ever hearing and that those I play it around me genuinely never recognize it at all. That is until now.

I recently recieved an email from a nurse/friend I saw more often than not when I lived in Arizona.  She and I became fast friends.  We lost touch, because we don't have many chances to see each other.  She still lives in Phoneix and I live in New York.  It's challenging to make cross country trips.  Fortunately, we text, talk and email as much as we can.  Recently I came across a particular exciting email was a complete surprising to me. The subject line read:"If Ever You Need Me".  In the email she explains how she has never given up on me, or of successfully finding the name of the song and the right version.  Some of you may think this is a small, menial, and inferior task for my nurse in Arizona.  I know not knowing that song has been driver her crazy too.. This song has been an enigma and such a nuisance, to both of us, over the years.  

We all must find our best, most peaceful, and successful ways of cope.  No matter what decision you make in life you will always need to remember, when you need someone, they will come to you, for to ease your pain. The best part of this song also recites:

If you needed me, I would come to you

I would swim the seas, For to ease your pain.  Allow those around you from the start. It's extremely challenging and unbelievabley terrifying. Accept the help you need. Spoken from a true hard-ass.

Be the best you! I know that is what gets me through my darkest hours. Happiness is a privilege, hold tight to those kite strings. One, or many can easily fly away. 

Bits and Bobs

Life sucks!  Sometimes it's as simple as that.  There is no way around it.  It's that moment when you just have to throw your hands in the air and surrender to the circumstances in order to start over with a clean slate.  We all go through peaks and valleys as we navigate our individual journey along the many "paths" presented to us each day.  Luckily there are many different "roads" to follow.  If the first choice doesn't turn out as we hoped, or expected, we can go back to start and choose another "path".  It's frustrating, aggravating, discouraging, sad and often very lonely when your life is controlled by a horrible disease that is slowly killing you.  Forgive me for such a cynical and disgruntled start to this blog post.  Not only am I overwhelmed by my own health situation, my family has started the new year with many stressful, challenging, and traumatic situations.  It is only mid January.  I'm terrified to see what the rest of the year has yet to bombard us with.

Every step I take, every decision I make, and all plans I make are alway tentatively made.  I can never RSVP 100% yes to events, dinners, parties, or even meeting up with a friend at the dog park for a little while.  Most of (ok, pretty much all of the time) I have to decline invitations to any type of occasions, so I don't have to call at the last minute to cancel the arrangement we mutual agreed upon.  I hate disappointing my friends and family.  My only option is to distance myself from everyone I love because I cannot continue this "song and dance" forever.  It's heartbreaking for me.  I have reached a point in my cancer battle that some days I can't even get out of bed.  That feeling is undeniably petrifying.  I look and feel like a big 'ole hot mess most every day.  I understand that some/most of my friendships have dissolved.  Why would anyone want to waste time dealing with my illness(the physical side effects are brutal), and/or be bored out of their mind because I'm on bed rest.  Every one is better off if I just fade away while every one else is out living it up and enjoying life.

Cancer has not only taken away my social life, but the professional and philanthropist areas of my life as well.  I continue to have this internal struggle with feeling like a worthless bum.  I don't contribute anything to my family, my friends, the U.S., the world, even the universe.  I do much more damage than good.  Just call me "hurricane Meg", "tornado Meg" for the Midwestern states and "shake-a-shaka boom-boom Meg" out on the west cost.  I had to have at least one fun nickname to describe my destructive forcefield.

As I look back, the legitimately pensive part of my life is that I have been a "professional patient" for over half my life.  Almost seven of those years have been with a confirmed cancer diagnosis.  It's outrageous and depressing to think about my life strictly by the numbers.  I suppose it's fitting though.  Most days I feel more like a science project, or just a number in the line-up of other patients.  It's easy to forget underneath all of my health concerns is a person.  Even though I am 30 years old, and I have been to more doctors and hospitals than anyone would ever care to see.  Underneath it all I am still a scared little girl.

The most alarming, uncomfortable and extremely embarrassing component to being a "professional patient" is that I don't think there is a single area inside, or on the surface of my body that hasn't been seen/examined by physicians, nurses, techs, pretty much the entire medical staff.  All my "bits" and "bobs" have been poked, prodded, pinched, squeezed and squished at one point or another.  My insides have been scoped, scraped, lasered, explored, and cut.  Every inch of my body has been scanned, x-rayed, and put through series-upon-series of multiple other tests and treatments.  There isn't an area of my body that hasn't been seen, examined and re-examined.  All discretion has been "thrown out the window" by now.

There is no longer and mystery, privacy, or boundaries with my doctors, or the rest of the healthcare staff.  Honestly... What is left to see?....oh, that's right, nothing!  All my healthcare professionals have seen all my "goodies", more than I care to admit.  The simple thought of what doctors and nurses see on a daily basis make me think of the Dr. Suess book "Oh, the places you'll go".  It's more like "Ew, the places you have to go".  Those poor doctors.  I can barely look at myself from shoulders up in the mirror, muchless look at my unmentionables.  Sometime I wonder what doctors are really thinking about when they see their patients with all their "bits" and "bobs" hanging out.  It's utterly embarrassing as a patients at the doctor's office, but what do doctors think about when you have a chance meeting outside of the office setting?  Are they thinking..."Yep, I just checked her whoo-ha for "the herp" yesterday.  Lucky for that guy she's hanging all over the test came back negative.  By the looks of her "extracurricular" activities, I'll be doing another STD check very soon".  Maybe they are recounting about a few days ago when they had to cram a tube up dear old Mrs. Burton's bum when they bump into her at the grocery store, and how difficult it's going to be sharing the results with her at the follow-up appointment tomorrow.  I'm sure most physicians try to remove themselves from doctor-mode when they are outside of the office, but it has to be impossible to completely detach from what they encounter because of their field of profession.  I don't know from personal experience, but plastic surgeons must have the best stories!  I can only imagine the unrealistic requests and the uttermost ridiculous expectations certain people have that result in some pretty hilarious stories!

It's all these "bits" and "bobs" that make up who we are and how we function.  It's important to take care of them no matter how agonizing and awkward it is to seek medical attention.  Doctors are available to us as a reliable resource to help every one feel their best and maintain our optimal health.  They have all seen numerous people's "bits", "bobs", "whoo-ha's" and "booties".  I let fear and insecurities prevent myself from far too many things I've wanted to do, and things I needed to do in my life.  Never limit yourself when a simple phone call can help prevent a future without choices and provide a future filled with endless potential.