Lois

It's no secret that my health has been as tumultuous as a F5 tornado for a while now. It has been a complete whirlwind with treatments, appointments, procedures, hospital stays, and traveling to various cities to consult with multiple doctors and treatment facilities. On top of all that, I have had to participate in an abundance of conference calls to organize my new treatment schedule. After going through the torture of everything I mentioned above, I am embarking upon the biggest, most evasive, life altering, terrifying, demanding, taxing, and hopefully successful surgery I will likely ever have to endure in my lifetime.

I am on a required bed rest and must avoid any and all public places to boost my immunity as much as possible in order for my body to prepare itself for my upcoming surgery. Unfortunately, I have been recently diagnosed with pneumonia that will push back the timeline of my surgery. It was frustrating to hear that the healthcare plan we had setup was now forced to be changed on account of my respitory ailment. I must admit that the news came as a shock and left me very upset. I am accustom to the ever changing, tilt-a-whirl type of chaos that is my life. I was hoping this one time, my body would cooperate and allow this process to work out the way my doctors, my family and myself had outlined. I was naive to think that my pawn in the "game of life" would ever reach a peak point, or cross the finish line until my adorable friend changed my way of thinking and my attitude towards living with cancer. She has been battling her cancer on-and-off for almost 13 years. She has maintained a positive outlook, a sense of humor, elegance and class. I admire her and use her illuminating gusto as A driving force while I push through the many set backs, awful treatments and excruciating pain that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. This task can feel seemingly impossible at times, but I'm not ready to give up the fight(yet anyway).

 

Whenever I am feeling lost, lonely, scared and crushed by the "weight of the world on my shoulders", I turn to dear sweet Lois. She is a spectacular woman and quite the "spitfire" at the hospital. She absolutely cracks me up every time I am around her. Her love and zest for life is a beautifully refreshing ray of light, especially at a cancer center/hospital.

Lois is a vibrant 82 year old woman with more gumption and moxie than any young girl in their teens, or early twenties. This woman has lived life to the fullest and well beyond! I hope she has many more years to continue along her life's journey. She has gone on so many exciting adventures and has plans to go on many more. I love listening to her outrageous stories. She speaks about her life with such a commanding and assertive presence, but never preaches to those around her. She has so much conviction and determination. I am truly honored to know this incredible lady.

Every time we are together she asks to see my tattoos. She always wants to know if I have gotten any new ones, and what other ideas I have to finish my "sleeves". LP( her nickname, it stands for Lois Peterson) always spends detailed time examining and admiring my tattoos, even though she has seen them multiple times. She marvels at the creativity, the interesting design work and how impulsive, yet practical, I am for permently engraving such artful precision and meaningful techniques of a form of painting on my body. It is so sweet how intrigued she has become about my tattoos and the meaning behind each one that I have. LP has a phenomenal and intricate way of looking at life. She sees beneath the superficial layers of everyone she meets. It's almost as if she can feed of other people's energy and understand them in a way no one else would ever be able to. She never boasts about this talent, or claims to be a psychic or a medium. She just takes the time to sincerely listen to those she meets and realizes how they "tick", as well as, how they communicate. LP has told me many times that I am going to accomplish extraordinary things in my lifetime because I am intuitive, logical, yet spontaneous, and because I allow myself to lead with my heart and soul more often than with my brain. I'm not so certain that is a good or bad thing, but I would love for that premonition to come to fruition someday. Regardless, I have learned so many life lessons from Lois. All of her wisdom, advice, and her insatiable passion for life will live on inside of me for the rest of my days.

Lois is also an absolute delight to be around. I can't help but laugh every time I'm with her. She is hilarious and says/does the most random things.

For example, she has told me thousands of times that she wishes I was her granddaughter because the "punk-ass hoodlums" that she has to claim as her grandchildren are little tyrants that get whatever they want. She even expressed to me that she believes their parents are terrified of them, so they give into their countless demands. She sends me into side-splitting laughter when she talks about her "devious" grandkids. She honestly has no filter, and doesn't give a damn who hears her! On a few occasions LP has expressed to me that she would drop those "greedy, self-righteous delinquents" at anytime and adopt me as her grandchild. She is such a silly lady! 

LP is extremely blunt. She often remenises about her nightly cocktail she would drink before bed. I lost count of how many times she has asked me to smuggle in a flask of hooch for her into the hospital. Of course, I don't bring her booze, but I find it humorous that she continues to ask.

The other question LP asks me at least once a day is when I'm going to bust her out of the hospital, so we can go get tattoos. Lois is a tiny little pocket person(she stand at 4'6"). She has no tattoos, yet she wants me to break her out of the cancer center to go get matching tattoos. How adorable, right?

LP has so much spunk and pizzazz. I can only hope I am as awesome as she is when I'm in my 80s. Hell, I would be happy being half as cool as Lois is.

Overall, the greatest words of wisdom Lois has ever passed on to me is that "Somedays we just need to view the world through the eyes of an innocence child". Sometimes that is the only way to get through the most arduous of days. I couldn't agree more. When life throws you a "curve ball" gather your friends for a pick-up baseball game at "The Sandlot". You'll soon find out the "The Beast" you were dreading is your biggest fan and your life's mascot! 

Second Chances

Since being diagnosed with cancer six years ago, my life has been a wild and unpredictable ride. I have heard from friends, family and even hospital staff that the life I am living at 30 years old is unfathomable. Many of them have expressed to me that if they didn't know me, they wouldn't believe my story. I don't blame them. This is not the life I expected to live for the past six years. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do to change my situation. I wake up everyday with cancer and I go to bed each night with cancer. There are many moments that I feel I am past my breaking point. I feel I could shatter and crumble at anytime. I am asking all of you to help me. Don't let me fall again. Don't let my remains be swept away. I am not yet ready to lay down and die. I ask each of you to give me strength when I am weak. Give me courage when I am afraid. Please give me the hope for a second chance at life. Sometimes we all need a second chance because life wasn't quite ready for us the first time around.

I believe that life is an opportunity, we all deserve to benefit from. Life is beauty, and we should all admire it. Life is a dream, only if we choose to realize it. Life is a challenge, instead of giving into it we must meet it. Life is a duty, and we all have the right to complete it. Life is a game, we all get to choose how we play it. Life is a promise, never forget to fulfill it. Life is sorrow, we all must overcome it. Life is a song, don't ever be afraid to sing it out loud. Life is a struggle, learn to accept it and make it work in your favor. Life is tragedy, at some point we all must confront it. Life is an adventure, dare to jump into it without looking back. Life is luck, some of it is luck we make, other times it is luck that we happily stumble upon. Life is much too precious, do anything and everything not to destroy it. Life is a gift, fight for it!

I hope that one day I will get a second chance. A chance at a life free of cancer and free of so many daily challenges. Life will never be easy, or stress free, but I would be elated if I could stay away from hospitals for an extended period of time. 

If I were given the opportunity for a second chance at life, or a "do over" I would embrace every possibility at a blissful and successful life.

The one thing that will remain constant in my life, with or without cancer is my drive to make everyday worth living. Each morning I tell myself to let my smile change the world, and to never let the world take the smile off my face. Smiles are contagious and an effortless way to brighten even the darkest of days. 

No one can ever guarantee everyday will be cheerful and bright, but no one can ever take away your spirit and spunk. Always allow yourself to feel each and every emotion that enters your mind, but do not dwell in the negative moments. Life is perpetually evolving. Things will get better with time. 

I am going to sound terribly cliché here, so please forgive me. Always remember that "This too shall pass". 

Live the life you want to live. Don't let anyone dictate who your are or whom you will become. Only you can live your "Best Life". Welcome the good experiences along with the bad. Both will make us stronger, wiser, and happier people. That is what we all strive for, right? Give yourself as many second chances you need to live your "happily ever after"!

Living an Unwanted Life

Lately I have been called a hero by some of my friends, my family, fellow patients and even some of the hospital staff. It blows me away that anyone would think of me as a hero. I am no hero. That's for sure! I am far from hero status. I am just a girl trying beat cancer by enduring whatever I have to in order to live another day. I have heard a lot from those around me that they consider me a hero because of the parties I throw and the children's hospital and that I take time out of everyday I am at the hospital to chat with fellow patients. That, in no way, lends the title hero to me. All of those children and the friends I've made, young or old, have made me a better person. I am incredibly fortunate to make connections with most everyone I meet at the hospital or at doctor's offices. The joy I get from interacting with such remarkable people, and hearing their life stories help me continue the battle with my health issues each day.

The heart is the strongest organ/muscle in the body. It has so many functions and is vital to stay alive. No matter how strong it is it's exceedingly fragile and easily broken. Too many of us guard our hearts which often restrict us from the love and true passion we could all feel and share. Just like our bones can break, our hearts can ache from intense pain. It is important to remember that our hearts will heal over time, and will be ready to let a stronger love in. The love we deserve and will deeply cherish forever.

As I reflect upon my life, I can't help but feel I am living an unwanted life. I am grateful to be alive and to be surrounded by unconditional love and support from so many amazing people in my life. My husband has to put up with all of the difficulties my cancer presents on a daily basis. My parents, sister and closest friends get bombarded with calls, texts and emails that contain babble and ramble on about my health woes. I'm sure they all get annoyed by me pitying myself. I try my best not to burden those around me with the issues surrounding my cancer, but I must admit that sometimes the pain and frustrations becomes too much to handle on my own. I don't thank all of the marvelous people in my life that are always there for me enough. I am sorry about that. Your kindness and generosity is not lost on me. I am forever indebted to you all. You all hold a special place in my heart. That will never change. 

Being the "sick girl"(and to have been going through it for so long), I get mostly "fluff" answers and empathetic sincerity from those around me. It doesn't matter if I've know them my entire life, or have just recently met them. I make them uncomfortable causing them to tell me what they think I want to hear because they don't want to upset me. It's a very sweet gesture, but when I ask questions I'm looking for honest answers. The most frustrating thing side effect of being sick is the 180 degree turn most of my friends have made to "accommodate" for my health concerns. Yes, I am sick. Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I have had to drastically change my "path" in life, but I'm still Meg. My exterior and my internal make-up may have been forced to change, but I am the same goofball kinda girl I have always been. I frequently and repeatedly sense that my friends and family are "walking on egg shells" around me because they are terrified that they are going to break me. I can feel their nervous energy, which in turn, makes me uneasy. It has caused many of my relationships to suffer. Avoiding me and my health issues is easier than understanding them, for the majority people. The last thing I would want to do is hinder any experiences for my friends and family. Therefore, many of my relationships have dissolved instead of strengthen. Above all else, that is the worst side effect of my cancer diagnosis. Pain is a close second. Pain comes and goes, but true friendships never fades. Sometimes it skyrockets and ever other aspect of life falls behind the torment and discomfort, but that feeling never lasts forever.

I am not very good at hiding my pain. From what I've been told by family and friends, I get an unsettling look on my face, and I become very quiet. Anyone who knows me that I am a chatty gal. Silence is a tell-tale sign that my illness is getting the best of me in that moment. 

Recently, I have been getting asked one particular question a lot. An abundance of people have been asking; What does it "feels" like to have cancer? That question is challenging to answer. I deal with new pain, on-going pain and multiple levels of pain from one day to the next. My pain travels throughout my entire body. It is impossible to answer that question because my body, my mind, and many other "life issues" change daily. Some days the tumor on my spine makes it hard for me to get out of bed, or even walk. The tumors in my legs often make me feel like I'm walking with 50 pounds bags of flour strapped to them. I often get headaches, fatigue, nausea, dizziness, overpowering pain and fainting spells. I am living a life I have very little control of. I am living and unwanted life because the only other option is death. No one would ever to choose to live a life with a serious illness. My life is intimidating and my health dictates what I can and cannot do. It makes me feel like a child. I have to be constantly monitored, so that I don't inflict more injuries and damage to my body. I have many battle scars from fainting and smashing my head into a hard surface.  Each morning is a new unexpected "adventure" when pain is the only constant in my life anymore.

The physical pain can be relentless at times, and other times it's bearable.

The emotional pain and struggles stay with me at all times. I am saddened by the restrictions my cancer has presented me with over the years, and that impedes with my cyclic life.

Above all else the financial stress is the most formidable and demanding facet of my cancer battle. I am not the only one coping with this responsibility as I fight for my life. My cancer fight has affected my entire family with a myriad demands. They are forced to face with helping pay by medical bills all too often. Without the help of my family, friends, doctors and even a few complete strangers, I would be unable  to continue my healthcare. It continues to be a daily struggle and I carry a lot of guilt because of these financial requirements. All we can do is take it one day at a time, but that is easily said then done.

Throughout my cancer fight I have been fortuitous and fairly prosperous to have manageable hardships. I am lucky to be able to walk, be able to breath on my own, and to be able to continue a fairly "normal" life, as of yet. There is no way of knowing what the future has in store for me. If I live or die, I'm not going on without a fight!!

I won't sugar coat it, CANCER SUCKS, but having cancer has taught me a lot at the same time. I know more about the body and how it functions. Much more that I would learn in school. I have learned that cancer does not define me. I think I have always been a loving and compassionate person, but having cancer has heightened and improved these important areas of my life. I know the doctors are busy doing the technical work(which is fantastic) the best form of healing is spending time with my family and friends. They all give me the strength when I am weak, the confidence to face my fears, and the hope to keep fighting!

The worst pain of all is the hurt my family and friends go through. They are bystanders during this horrible time in my life. I want them all around me as much as possible but I know they have their own lives to live. They are all with me in spirit guiding me through this journey. I feel the support deep within my soul each and everyday. The encouragement is shown to me through phone calls, texts, cards, emails, hugs, and "I love you's". I will never find the right words to thank you all for helping me as I continue to kick cancers tushy!

As you have read above in this post, my treatments are very expensive. At times we are so tapped out financial that we are barely able to by food. We work as long and as hard as we possibly can to improve our income, but we just can't get ahead. It a horrifying, stressful and an extremely difficult time in our lives.

I recently found out that I got approved for a surgery at Sloan-Kettering in NYC. This surgery could significantly improve my condition. The surgeon at MSK is one of the best(if not THE best) oncology surgeons in the U.S. There is also a chance that there is too much damage to my spine ad pelvis, so paralysis is a risk. My spine and pelvis are crumbling from the tumor which could also cause paralysis, so what do I have to lose? I hope the surgery will be a success!

I know this was a super long post, so I will wrap it up! My fantastic sister has started up the GoFundMe site for donations to help with the trip to NYC. I truly hate asking for handouts. I feel like such a bum/charity case. My eyes fill with tears and my heart breaks when I am forced to reach out to family and friends for financial help. I apply for as much aid I can, but nothing ever works out. I no longer know what to do. We struggle with our regular bills and MSK is not going to be cheap. My insurance only covers 40% percent, so the rest is out of pocket. Who knows how expensive this surgery is going to cost. I can't imagine it will be cheap. My family is also going to be in NYC with me. They will have to get a hotel and will need to eat out a lot since they can't cook. Sloan has given up a list of hotels that have hospital rates, but it is still NYC. Not much is cheap there even if it is only a ten minute walk to the hotel. We also need to by train tickets from Syracuse to NYC and my parents will be driving to Syracuse before we head to MSK. The expenses add up quickly. I could be there for 4 days or 4 weeks. There is no way of knowing until we get there.

If you are willing and able to donate to the GoFundMe campaign, please do. Your generosity is cherished and will never be forgotten. Thank You!!!!

The link to the GoFundMe site is posted below⬇️

http://www.gofundme.com/cazf2g

Let Freedom Ring

Sing it with me:

"Celebrate Good Times...C'mon"...

"The land of the free and the home, of the, Brave"...

"Put on your red, white & blue. There's life at both ends of that red dirt road"...

"Cut a rug with your tight Wranglers on"...

I hope all of you had a fantastic 4th of July! I hope you all enjoyed cookouts fit with Grills, Smokers and meats-a-many in every backyard across America. If BBQ's aren't your "cup of tea", I hope you enjoyed catered events with tray-passed delicious crostini topped with an abundant variety of tapenade. Whether you were on rooftop terraces, at city/town parks, on decks throughout the USA, or at a number of any other venues. I hope you were surrounded by the ones you love, and held the spirit of loved one far away in your hearts. 

As another year passes, and the seasons change, I encounter more questions about my life. Not only my life, but about life in general. The thought I continually ponder is; Are we ever truly free?

No matter what stage of life we are currently in, there are always difficulties and challenges we will encounter. Once we jump one hurdle another will certainly come along. We live as a free nation, but within ourselves, how much freedom do we truly possess? As children we are restricted by our parents, school, curfews, and our age. From adolescence to adulthood, the number of obstacles that hinder our freedom only increase. In addition to the daily struggles I mentioned before we can add on many more tedious and taxing attributes of life, such as; work, finances, kids, health, etc...

I am in no way saying we should be a bunch of wandering bafoons or Neanderthal-esque drifters. We are all responsible for our own lives and each facet that makes up who we are. I do feel we need to give ourselves a little more slack on the "leash of life". Most of us live a life that is so tightly wound and stressful, it is difficult to feel very free. More often than not I feel trapped within my own life. There are many times I want to quit. When I feel that I can no longer go on my mind always goes to Robert Frost and the poem I view as my own personal mantra. Specifically the line that reads:  

"I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over"

I cannot even begin to think of the number of times I have reflected on my life and it has brought me to "Birches" by Frost. That line, specifically, stands out to me. Those times I feel hopeless, I take time to myself and find a way to escape. At this time in my life, I find my release through reading and writing. Those activities allow me to let go of all of my troubles for a while and clear my head. I can then return to reality with renewed strength and a clearer mindset. On the "remote of life", reading and writing is my "pause" button. Time keeps on ticking and the minutes pass, but reading/writing can give me the break I need to recharge. 

I am happy we are able to celebrate America's freedom each year, but most days, I have trouble believing in, or feeling free when life has beaten me down so much. This may sound extremely selfish, but I have been, all too often, jilted by life. These thoughts may affect my life daily, and I may dwell on the negative too much at times, but as long as I maintain hope I will never give in. As long as I have people in my life I love so fiercely and that love me back just as much, I will not stop fighting. Lastly, as long as I have a place to retreat to when life becomes unbearable, I will be free.

Happy Independence Day!