One Day

Lately I have been feeling in many ways like a hypocrite. I walk around with a smile on my face while I'm crying inside. I have the words courage and strength permanently tattooed on my arm. When I am asked how I am doing I always say that I am well. My whole life I have taught myself to hide my pain. I have mastered the art of masking my true feelings. I am cheerful, bubbly, happy-go-lucky Meg. Don't get me wrong, many times I am doing well. I am excited to be around my friends and family, so my mood is gleeful. I am also a firm believer in a positive attitude producing a positive lifestyle. My trouble is finding the balance. I also struggle with feeling like a burden. I'm already the "sick girl". I would hate to turn into the "whiny sick girl". I am working on it though.

During my many hours at the hospital, I have had time to deeply think about the meaning behind the words courage and strength. These are extremely powerful and harmonious words. It's fascinating how two words can have such an impact on someone's life. I've realized that we should never be afraid of a scar. They simply mean we are stronger than whatever tried to hurt us. That scar is a symbol, a physical manifestation, of our courage and strength. We should wear our scars proudly! These words have such significance to me that they inspired me to write a poem to encourage myself and others to face challenges without fear, but with confidence.

It takes strength to be firm
It takes courage to be gentle

It takes strength to endure abuse
It takes courage to stop it

It takes strength to hold our heads high
It takes courage to break down and cry

It take strength to stand alone
It takes courage to lean on another

It takes strength to love
It takes courage to be loved

It takes strength to survive
It takes courage to live

Most importantly remember,
Maybe not today,
Or tomorrow,
Or even in a year,
But eventually,
Things will get better,
You will get better,
You will be able to look back,
And say with relief;
I MADE IT!!

Be bold, be brace, be fearless and be adventurous because you are fierce!! Don't let anyone tell you anything different!!

Panic

Silence. Darkness. Peace. Relaxation. Sounds like the perfect combination for restful night of sleep. For most it is, but such a night, for me, is filled with pain and anxiety. When the room is permeated with such an eerily quietness and a sense of calmness, my mind become restless. Deep and dark manifestation of my fears arise. My heart races, my hands and feet tremble, my breathing becomes erratic, my ears ring, the pain becomes unbearable, and if worse comes-to-worse, I will have a serious panic attack. The most difficult part of each night is the suffering all alone. While the world is happily in dreamland, I am fighting horrible inner and outer demons. Demons I have tried to conquer for many, many years.

Perhaps the most troubling aspect to my sleep deprivation is the restrictions that have been put on my life lately. Jumping back into intense treatment has really "done a number" on my body. I constantly feel depleted and honestly pretty worthless. Recently, I have been having trouble with my memory and a few other functions that I have never had issues with in the past. I can't help but wonder "Am I slipping away"? "If this is the end, will I get to say goodbye before I go"? Naturally I hope that I will have more time than less.

Listen to me go on-and-on about my petty problems. I have so much to be grateful and appreciative for. Life is an on-going battle, but if you have determined and uncompromising army around you, getting through the strenuous times can be much more navigable.

When I was first diagnosed I thought I could beat this thing all by myself. Eight years later I know that I can't and it's not shameful to ask for help. I still have my moments. I never want to be a burden to anyone, but I also know that cancer sucks! I wouldn't be here today without the support of my family, friends, and healthcare workers whom have all assisted me along this long and arduous journey.

I also want to thank all of you out there that take the time out of your days to read my blog! Words cannot express my gratitude! XOXO

Everyday

Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed.
Everyday is filled with pain, anxiety, exhaustion and fear.
Everyday I wonder, "Is today the day"?
Everyday I put on a brave face, but I am crumbling inside.
I will continue to be as strong as I can be, but I feel myself weakening day-by-day.
I am more afraid than ever.
I am more alone than ever because I do not want to burden anyone with my issues when so many of you have your own challenges you are working through. I would gladly help you resolve your hardships than divulge into mine.

To be honest, I don't have many friends. I suppose I should rephrase that. I have many fantastic friends. Unfortunately, most of them live many miles away. The friends that live locally are either fellow patients and/or healthcare workers. As you can imagine, our gossip topics don't get too risqué, or off the topic of medicine. Most of the time our conversations starts something like "Hey Edna! What was your blood pressure this morning"? Edna responds "145/80". Lillian shouts back "Mine was 138/78...you're buying lunch today"! Thrilling banter, I know, but I digress.

No matter how mundane, lackluster, agonizing, frustrating, intrusive, tedious and often embarrassing is, I cannot let my cancer beat me! Most certainly not without a fight! I do wish I would receive good news at my appointments instead of constantly walking into my lead doctor's offices and seeing that look on his face. That look of dissatisfaction and despair. No words need to be exchanged. He knows I cannot hear the words out loud in that moment. Being the wonderful doctor he is, he stands up from his desk chair, walks over to me and takes my hand in his. That simple gesture provides the comfort I desperately need in that moment. No sooner than he takes my hand, I begin to cry. I cannot hold back the tears. My doctor is so patient that he consoles me until I am ready to hear the news about the condition of my health. Thank you to all of the doctors, nurses, PA's, NP's, technicians(Lab, cultures, diagnostic , radiology, and so many more!

It is getting increasingly difficult to but on a brave face.
I'm scared. More scared that ever.
Life is tough. Well all know that. We go through a serious of ups and downs. I can't help but hope that this "down" portion of my life will soon be over. I never thought I would have cancer for 8 years!!
Although these have been the most difficult years of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally and especially financially! I have had many reasons to smile and life along the way! Nothing will keep me from smiling, making others smile, and enjoying life while I can!!

I smile because I am loved.
I smile because I love so many beautiful people in my life.
I smile because smiles are infectious.
I smile because of all of you.
I smile because I am grateful.
I smile because I am alive.
I smile because I can.
So, I smile everyday.

Bumps along the road of life

Unfortunately, being submerged in the world of cancer for so many years (8 years as of this month). I have seen many happy outcomes, but I have seen far too many devesating outcomes. Not all of them due to cancer. I volunteer on many different floors of the hospital, so I see many different types of illnesses. It's absolutely horrible to watch the patients suffer, it is heartbreaking to watch the family process all of the information in order to decide what the best option(s) for the patient's future.

Life is filled with an abundance of challenging decisions. Once we do make a decision we often feel guilty because we worry the we chose the wrong option. I know I second, third, four, etc guess my decisions.

Instead of dwelling on my decisions to the point of insanity, I have channeled my guilty and uncertainty into writing poems/journal entries to express my emotions.


Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us everyday...
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still LOVED,
Still missed,
And always remaining in our hearts.

Those we love can never be more than a thought away...
For as long as there's a memory, they live in our hearts to stay.
They are never truly gone as long as we don't allow ourselves to forget them.
A true friend can NEVER be forgotten.

Love one another
Be good to one another
Express your feelings to each other
Respect each othe
And tell each other that you love each other everyday
It is IMPOSSIBLE to hear I LOVE YOU too much!

Regrets

I continually get asked what kind of regrets I live with? What mistakes do I fixate on every single day? They seem to think I have a long list of enemies, and/or events in my life that cause me to lie awake a night dwelling upon how this happen and what I could have done in the perfect moment in time to have bettered the situation. In actuality, I don't sweat it. I live my life regret/free.

Saying I live regret-free is almost worse than fixating on certain consequences and dwelling on past event. Reliving those moments my be very a beneficial part of closure, acceptance, and/forgiveness. Those moments are can be very cathartic. All of those techniques can be extremely constructive during such complicated times. I advocate those feelings. I say "go, express yourself." Anyway you want, cry, dance, sing, laugh, act like a kid again if even for just one night. We all need to take a jump back from our everyday lives and make time to PLAY!! LAUGH!! And Most of ALL LOVE!!

I can honestly say that I live a regret-free life because I have been dealt a loosing hand one-to-many-times, and I'm still kickin'! I'm sure there are plenty more crappy hands that will come my way in this "gave of life", but I'll keep fighting through them.

I'm not completely devoid of feelings and hope. I have wishful thinking for the future. I, of course, wish that I could be around all of my family and friends as I am going through such an awful poking, prodding, surgeries, procedures, there to help me through the horrible side effects, etc.  I don't regret not getting diagnosed with cancer a thousand miles away from my closest family and friends. I was terrified. I needed more information and luckily at that time my boss had an awesome doctor to refer to me. That is how my cancer journey began. The most ironic part is that I would find the love of my live two weeks later. And he chose to stick around even though I gave him a no-haggle out clause. If that isn't love that I don't know want it.

Where do the regrets factor in? They seem like a useless expenditure of time and energy. I am already in a frail state. I still have cancer, but it hasn't beat me yet!! No regrets here. I'm not looking to add any regrets, especially when there is still a future ahead of me! I have the most amazing group of supporters constantly around me. My mom and my dad are my rock, my sister and her husband are un-freak-en-believable! My husband has been beyond incredible!! All my extended family, my hospital family, all my glorious friends spread all over the place... I can't thank you all enough!!!!

With all this gratitude, there is no room for regret. If there is something from my past I have not done yet, "I grab the bull be the horns, and just do it!" No more waiting for the perfect time. There will never be a "perfect time" to learn the ukulele, so there's no time like the present!! Jumping out of an airplane...why the heck not? I could die in the sky, or the cancer could kill me. I'm will to take that chance. Most of all, I find myself never wanted to end conversations. I know it doesn't sound glamorous, or exciting, but I just want to take everyone whom is important to me everywhere I go. That way I'm never alone.

This blog is also a reminder to never have regrets. The story, thoughts, and words are all mine. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many fantastic people. I have seen them at their best and and at there worst. Regardless, of what we look like on the outside, our souls run deep. Sometime no words need to be spoken. Then on the flip side, it is a glorious feeling to see a patient walk out of the hospital after months of treatments.

I like to say that there is "so much more beauty in the broken because our scars give us character, we dare to be different and everything is new to us again." We all change after being in the hospital for expended periods of time. Bonds are formed deeper, trust is a must, and everyone you meet becomes like family to you. Walking down the long corridors of the hospital you see so many different stories as you walk the hall. On the left a joyous family of three. The little girl is practically jumping out of her tights. Obviously, they got good news. Then you turn to the right and you see a mother sitting on a bench with a bag a personal belongings. She reaches in and pulls out a teddy bears. She begins to sobs alone on that bench. Two completely different outcomes just minutes from each other. A few moments pass. The mother stands up. She was watching the little girl dancing. She walks towards the family. She kneels down in front of the girl and offers her the bear. The little girl looks up at her parents. The whole family and the woman move to a nearby table. The young mother explained that her son didn't survive his surgery, but he would be proud to share his favorite bear with someone as out-going and fun as you! They all smiled through their tears and the little girl's parents said it was ok to take. They exchanged phone numbers so they could do bear "check-ins", they hugged, and then they went on with the rest of their days. As the mother of the deceased boy started walking my way, she was no longer crying. She was smiling. She got some closure she needed in the moment. It was a truly remarkable sight to see!

Whatever you are doing, do it with purpose, then you with have no reason to regret it.

Stamps on our lives

Some people come into our lives and quickly become "disposable".  Others enter our lives unexpectedly and leave a beautiful "stamp" behind.  These "stamps" become an important part of our future.  They represent the qualities and attributes of all the people in our lives that are admirable, as well as, respected. I am incredibly grateful to all of the amazing family members, friends, doctors, nurses, and acquaintances whom have "stamped" my life in so many enchanting ways.

If someone brings positivity into your life and shares their joy with you, take full advantage of it.  Even if they are only in your life for a short while, be happy for the impact they made on each day spent together.  Each person you meet you will forever carry a piece of them with you.  You have left a "stamp" on each other's lives.  The memories you share are always attainable, no matter how much time passes, the distance that may grow between you, and/or any silly disagreements that may test your relationship.  We can easily summon the happy experiences whenever we want to hear each other's voices/laughs, see each other's faces, and feel each other in our hearts.  We are only an introspection away.

Although life is confusing and relationships are challenging, even the bad times have silver linings.  There are so many struggles along life's journey, but there is always a hand to reach out to. It is impossible to predict who that person will be during the specific time in your life, but don't be afraid to expose your vulnerability.  Allow yourself to accept the help you need when you need it.  You never know how much it could help and influence someone else who may be struggling.  They just may need someone to come along and "stamp" their life and encourage them to fight the battle they are facing no matter how difficult the struggle may be.

Glimmers

Over the years,  I have been asked many times a series of questions time and time again; i.e. What inspires you?  Who inspires you?  How do you stay so positive?  How can you laugh and joke around so much while your body is going through such turmoil?  How can you go over to the children's hospital and have dance parties, make-over parties, arts/crafts afternoons and therapy sessions with their children's parents all while battling through your own cancer fight?  My answer is quite simple.

With all of the terror, crime, political agendas, stress, depression, illness and frustration surrounding us daily, how do we keep moving forward?  Why do we even bother getting out of bed in the morning? Horrific and tragic circumstances are occurring every day!  It's sad, frustrating, terrifying and maddening!  These appalling incidences are preventing people from going about their day-to-day lives.  I can't let cancer and the complications from my cancer completely derail my life.  Yes, it has drastically changed my life, but we all have to adjust to change, right?

What inspires me? What keeps me "rocking" through each day is what I have affectionately come to call the "glimmer" moments in life.  That one twinkle, or on particularly "sparkly" days those moments during the day that makes me laugh unexpectedly.  Not just a snicker.  I'm talking a serious belly laugh from deep down inside, or a smile that lights up and awakens your soul.  A wholehearted and heartwarming  smile, not just a smirk.  That brief period of time, that pumps life back into me and chips away at the "wall" that continually gets built up around me to protect myself from getting hurt over and over  again(life has punched me in the gut repeatedly).  That "glimmer" of hope, love, and a blissful future instead of the fear, anxiety and sadness that fills the majority days is what I live for.  That "glimmer" allows me to escape into a euphoric daydream surrounded by the beauty and majestic artistry that is present and ever changing.  Witnessing that angelic moment in time each day.  That "glimmer", as I like to call it, touches not only my heart, but my soul.  It is the necessary cleanse and the daily reboot I need to start each new day.  It is a constant reminder for a better tomorrow not only for me, but for us all.  The "glimmer" is something different for each one of us.  We all prioritize our lives differently.  The most important factor is that we all maintain that drive towards balance and inspiration, as well as, keeping an eye on the look out for the "glimmer" in each day.  As long as I see that there is still good in the world I know there is still happiness surrounding the ones I love.  In the grand scheme of it all that is first and foremost.  I will do anything and everything to take away any form of negativity from my loved ones.

I truly believe that life is about the "little things" and the "glimmers" life has to offer.  Those are the moments we remember forever.  Each time we think about them they will bring a smile to our faces, peace within ourselves, and kindness to share with those around us.  Next time you are having a stressful day, or just a bad day in general, try to see that glimmer of light ahead.  I promise that it is out there even during your darkest hours.

I'm Free

Death is never an easy subject to talk about. Some people believe if you don't talk about it nothing will happen, as if it doesn't even exists. Others believe it's like saying the word "Beetlejuice". If you say it to many times it will happen in an instant. We all have all have different "theories" and "superstitions" when it comes to death.

There are also so many "fads" to helps us stay younger longer so that we can live longer, but is it worth it? Is it worth spending hundreds, thousands, or even millions of dollars on treatments and surgeries when death is imminent? These costly procedures cannot prevent deadly illnesses, deadly accidents, murder, acts of terrorism and/or suicide.

As human beings we are meant to age. The aging process is beautiful. Every scar, wrinkle, gray hair, aching bone, etc. should be celebrated. It is the war paint we wear every day. That is something to be proud of!

Those of us whom die continue to served a purpose on this Earth. It may not always be clear, but nevertheless there was a reason why that life was taken. Sorrow and grief often overshadows this understanding for a very long time. After a while acceptance and understanding is realized. That is when the healing can commence.

No matter how it happens. No matter how young or old. No matter the last time you saw the deceased. The pain and suffering are emotions that are unavoidable.

Since being diagnosed with cancer I have witnessed and dealt with more dealth than I ever thought I would in a lifetime. It never gets easier, but I have written this poem to help me stay positive though such a sorrowful time. Maybe it can help some of you during difficult times in your life.

I'm Free 

Don't grieve for me now, for I am free.
I am following the path I have laid out for myself.
I have done the best I could with what I had and what I knew,
But it was time for me to walk along another path.
It was time for me to end one journey and start anew.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
Leaving you is only the physical part,
I will forever stay true within your heart.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened by times of sorrow,
I wish you all the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full,
I have savored so much,
Good friends, good times, the touch of a loved one.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief.
Please don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share it with me,
Because I am free now and I am forever with you.