Life Lesson Learned

We have all heard at some point in our lives that "laughter is the best medicine". It's not that I don't currently believe that, or haven't believed it in the past.  I love to laugh and crack jokes.  In fact, being silly and "goofing" around is a common occurrence in my life.  It makes me happy to see others laughing and enjoying funny moments.  I also use humor as a defense mechanism when I am nervous, anxious, scared, in pain and/or feeling depressed.  It amazes me how quickly and successfully a hearty chuckle can increase one's mood.  A challenging and difficult situation can easily be turned into wonderful day instead of an unpleasant period of time with a little humor.  No pill, or other medication can relieve stress and tension quite like partaking in witty banter and/or innocent shenanigans.

Due to my health, it's obvious that I don't get out much.  My life consists of hospital visits, doctor's appointments, intense treatment schedules, and as much rest as possible.  Pretty boring, right?  I can testify with absolute certainty that it's not much of an existence.  I have often considered ending my own life.  Sometimes suicide seems like the best solution during this extremely difficult time in my life.  The burden I bestow upon my husband, my family, my friends, and my medical staff would be resolved.  I would no longer be the origin of stress and frustration in the lives of those I love, respect and admire.  Right now I am worthless and contribute nothing to the world and/or the lives of others.  It's sad, but true.

I was fortunate enough to recently attend a comedy show.  The comedian is a hilarious fella my husband and I thought would be super fun to see in person.  The tickets were reasonably priced, so my hubby and I splurged on a night out.  There are numerous fun activities and entertainment the hubs and I have be forced to miss due to the poor state of my health.  It was exhilarating to have a night out on the town with my love instead of being at home nursing one of my many ailments.

The show confirmed the popular adage that laughter is the BEST medicine!!  It was so refreshing to spend the night enjoying life instead of fearing it, worrying about all my medical problems, getting physically sick over the possibilities of what issues I might encounter during the course of the comedian's set, and passing on a delightful night out.  This time I refused to succumb to my illness and instead I embraced lovely night!

I let go of all my negative thoughts and ignored the pain to the best of my ability, in order to take a break from the constant depression and anxiety cancer has brought to my life.  I indulged and basked in hearty laughter, the company of other fans, and pushed my cancer aside for as long as I could.

It is beyond fantastic that humor is universal and can penetrate through even the most difficult struggles life throws at us.

It's a shame that comedy cannot cure any physical or mental illnesses, but it can lessen and potentially numb all of one's aches and pains for a period of time.  I would gladly trade stomach cramps, watery eyes and/or fatigued face muscles from smiling/laughing all day and every day to avoid the horrific side effects of cancer.

Doctors, nurses and other members of the medical field are extraordinarily valuable members of society.  They have chosen a noble and honorable profession.  I appreciate, commend, respect, and admire the men and women that treat and heal patients battling an array of medical obstacles and conditions.  Without the dedication of these men and women many people would be forced to suffer, agonize and endure an abundance of medical troubles.  I am so very grateful for said men and women.  They ease the physical pain and cure us of many health concerns.  I cannot express my deepest gratitude to the community of healthcare professionals for all of the services they provide.  Unfortunately being sick takes a toll on us not only physically, but mentally, as well.  That is why we must take care of our mental stability individually.  Laughter is therapeutic. It not only provides an escape from our worries and internal struggles, laughter brings joy to our hearts and restores the passion in our souls. Doctors and nurses can only do so much.  We have to find outside sources of healing in order to clear many medical "hurdles" we will encounter throughout our lives.  What is better than allocating time to spend with family and friends?  Sharing love and laughs is the best way I have found to rejuvenate the body and prepare for any situations that come our way.

In honor of one of most adorable, supportive and delightful ladies I have the pleasure of being a part of my life.  I am going to sign off with the mantra she always reminds me to live by...Laugh, Dance and Believe 

I will continue living by these words as long as possible my precious Sherry Zuhlke! xoxo

The Sunny Side of the Street

I have been pondering life and death more now than I ever have.  As many of you know, I am not afraid of death.  I have come to the understanding and have accepted that I will likely parish at a younger-ish age.  I already feel like a 90 year old woman most days. The pain is relentless, and sucks most of the life out of me. Please don't take this as a complaint. I know it could be worse. I have witness much worse.  It is heartbreaking to watch everyone around me suffering.  That is no way to avoid the inevitable, but just sitting around and waiting for death is wildly absurd and depressing.  The sadness and torture radiates through your family and friends.  Cancer is a wide spread disease.  Your loved ones are suffering right along side you.  The situation is a bit of a "Catch 22".  You want your family and friends enjoy their lives, but the envy is boiling over inside.  I can rarely muster up the strength to crawl out of bed each day only to go through a slue of tests, doctor's visits, treatments and procedures.  These past two months have been extraordinarily difficult.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I want to give up and "throw in the towel"...if you will.

My entire body hurts daily.  I become physically ill...i.e. The bubble guts, vomiting, fainting and extreme fatigue.  I cannot make plans further than one day in advance because I don't know what my health will spring on me at anytime.  I have ruined many nights for my husband and other family members, I have had to miss concerts/sporting events, I have had to cancel dinners with friends, I'm forced to be absent at vacations, forgo my plans of traveling and many, MANY other plans due to my health woes.  My spirit crushes each time I am unable attend such wonderful life events.  

I will be the first person standing up to badmouth and berate this horrible disease and all the the side effects of the entire cancer process.  I would gladly give up everything I own to be cancer-free.  I don't just want my cancer taken away, but all of the serious/deadly illnesses that affect millions of people everyday. We only have this ONE life to live. I want to make the most of time on this Earth, instead of struggling to just to "keep afloat".

I know I sound outlandishly bitter and like a royal pain in the bum, but I still remember the important things in life.  In fact, cancer has made me view life much clearer.  I know what my priorities are whom I want to be surrounded by.  Cancer has allowed me to strengthen those bonds, as well as, to cherish every moment of everyday.  The smallest gestures often express the most generosity.  

Be true to yourselves. Do not give into the "norm".  Follow your heart's desires.  We ALL deserve to be a part of guiding our destiny along our chosen path.  No matter which path you choose there will continue to be unexpected twist and turns. Without them life wouldn't be worth living. Every once in a while chaos snaps us back to reality. It keeps our heart's pumping and adrenaline coursing through our veins. Without a little spit-fire in our lives keeping us on our toes, life would become mundane and even boring.

This verse from one of my songs perfectly reflects what I feel.
 "Grab your coat and get your hat

Leave your worries on the doorstep

Life can be so sweet

On the sunny side of the street"

This quote also has so much meaning.

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” - Ansel Adams

Never lose that drive and energy that makes you excited for each new day.  You never know when a miracles may come true, or a prayer may be answered.  

Even when that water seems too deep..."Just Keep Swimming"

Simple acts of kidness

I recently met a new patient at the Cancer center.  He is very shy, anxious and extremely introverted.  All of the doctors and nurses have had trouble getting to know him, and finding a way to connect with him.  He has not made any friends with the other children, and gets frightened by the doctors and nurses.  He clings on to his parents and spends hours working through puzzle books.  He goes through them page after page without missing a beat.  One day he ran out of ink in his pen.  He was incredibly distraught. His parents were at work, and he refused to use a pen from the nurses station because he struggles with germ-a-phobia.  I could see the nervousness and unsettling feelings he was experiencing.  I have been in that situation more times than I have EVER wanted to be, or admit.  I knew he needed find his "safety net".  He needed a sense of familiarity.  Many times that is the most soothing form of treatment.  I know when I am on the verge of a panic attack I take out my phone as look at pictures of my boys(my fur-babies).  The adorable photos and memories that come with the pictures help me relax.  I knew that I needed to bring this boy the sense of familiarity and comfort back to him.

That day after my treatments I asked my medi-van driver if he could take me to the nearest art/book store.  I was on a mission to bring a smile to this young boy's face.  He has just begun undergoing difficult treatments, he's scared and confused by the entire process.  I couldn't let him sit there with tears running down his checks and succumbing to the terrible pains of cancer.  I had my driver take me to the store.  I scoured every aisle looking for similar puzzle boos, and adding a few new ones to the mix for him to try.  I also brought him a brand new pack of multicolored pens.  They were completely sanitary and he had an array of color choices. 

When I returned back to the children's hospital I found him in the same seat he was sitting in before I left for store.  He was now sitting motionless with his had down on the table.  I knew he was waiting for his parents to come visit him after work.  I was uncertain if I should wait for their arrival, but I couldn't watch this sad and lonely boy any longer.  I gently approached him and introduced myself.  I explained to him that I too was going through cancer treatments and I know how challenging they can be.  I then told him that I wanted to be there for him whenever he needed a friend.  At that point he lifted his head from the table and looked straight into my eyes.  He then said something unexpected and wise beyond his years.  He told me that the light in my eyes showed strength, integrity and determination.  He also told me that the "water"(tears) in my eyes showed compassion and undeniable love.  I was floored by the way he expressed himself and the remarkable insight this young boy possessed.  He then asked what I saw in his eyes.  I took a moment to analyze his stunningly gorgeous eyes.  I asked him if I could hold his hand.  He was reluctant at first, but I had gained some trust, so he gently placed his hand in mine.  I embraced his hand and gazed into his sparkling eyes.  I told him I saw innocence, bravery, fear, and hope in his eyes.  

We both began to tear up.  We had made an honest an irreversible bond in such a short time frame.  I have always been told that I have an old soul.  I was never sure exactly what that meant until I met Silas.  He opened up my eyes to a new stage of cancer and life in general.  He brought back the hope and will to continue fighting my cancer battle, not only for myself, but for everyone battling a life threatening illness and for all their loved ones.  We must live for the day, and do what makes us happy and escape the fact that we have cancer (at least for a while).  I'll be the first one to say that I have hit many rock bottoms during my cancer struggle, but I somehow find a way to crawl out and start anew.  

After having the heart-to-heart with Silas, I brought out his surprise.  I gave him tools to use to express himself through art.  I brought him a bunch of new puzzle books, and a brand new packs of uncontaminated pens, colored pencils and crayons.  He was elated!  A simple gesture brightened his day.  I now restock his activity books every few weeks.  Seeing the smile on his face continues to melt my heart.  Every moment with him is unforgettable and an exceptionally rewarding gift.

Silas is very introverted and has difficultly talking to anyone but his immediate family.  Recently, he has let me in a little bit at a time.  He has short conversations with me and never hesitates to asks me to help him when he gets stuck on a problem in his puzzle books.  He even has given me a couple hugs along our friendship journey.  Giving me hugs was a huge accomplished for him.  I am beyond lucky to have been able break through his tough facade and get to know him on a more personal level.

Getting through to him has changed my life and warmed my heart.  It all starts with random acts of kindness. We all have the capacity within us to brighten someone's day.  Share the love!

The girl behind the mask

The pain...it hurts

I wish I could say I am okay

But that would be a lie

I am too tired to function properly

I struggle through each day...

Some days I resort to wishing for death

I feel so alone most of the time

I feel like no one understands

I am broken inside

I barely even have the will to live

I no longer have control of my life

Cancer dictates my every move

So, I put on a brave face

In my mask...I can hide.

At least for a while...